>The First Wives Club
>It happened again yesterday at the supermarket.
As I made my way out of the frozen foods, I noticed that a mommish-looking woman had cornered my 15-year-old stepdaughter and was deep in conversation with her. When I paused to tell 15 I was done and heading for the checkout, the woman didn’t even glance my way, but instead kept fervently talking to my stepdaughter.
A few minutes later, 15 joined me at the registers and the woman returned, this time holding out her phone so that 15 could talk to her daughter. Still, no eye contact. I stood right across from her, staring at her intently until finally, she met my gaze.
“Hello,” I said pleasantly.
“Hi,” she said without smiling before sighing and looking away again.
I busied myself putting groceries on the conveyor belt until 15 was done talking on the phone and the woman said her goodbyes.
“Who was that?” I asked.
“Adrienne Moore’s mom,” she said.
Instantly, it all became clear. Adrienne Moore’s mom was a first wife. A first wife who had gone through a bitter and public divorce. No wonder she didn’t seem too happy to see me, a second wife. I suppose I represent everything she hates.
At least that’s what I’ve gleaned from the first wife run-ins I’ve had over the years.
There are the commenters who say things I’ll obviously overhear like, “What is she, 12?”
There are the gossipmongers, who act friendly to my stepdaughters while pumping them for information on their living situation and whether they like me.
And there are women like Adrienne Moore’s mom, who ignore me altogether.
It’s like they’re all members of a secret First Wives Club, one with rules and regulations that I’ll never understand. Why, for example, am I on their shitlist, but not my husband?
Not long ago, a first wife I see from time to time cornered my husband and me at the movies and talked our ear off for 10 minutes. I noticed she was only looking at him, but figured she was just enamored because of his television job.
A few days later, I ran into her in line at a deli.
“Hi!” I said. “How’s it going?”
She looked back at me, stonefaced. “Fine,” she said.
Hmm. Maybe she didn’t recognize me. “Boy, I can’t believe that Poplar Winds subdivision is finally getting a pool,” I said, trying to jog her memory about the conversation we’d had a few days before.
“Yeah,” she said flatly, before turning her back on me.
Since that time, I’ve noticed that whenever I see her and I’m with my husband, we get a big smile and a wave. If I’m alone, I get… nothing.
It’s a first wife thang.
Certainly not all first wives treat me poorly. In fact, most of them are polite, particularly now that my stepdaughters are living with me seven days a week. But the fact that a noticeable number of them are undeniably rude is like an itchy mosquito bite that never goes away.
Still, I hope I’ll remember this time ten years from now, when young second wives start showing up at my own daughter’s parents’ nights. I’d like to think I’ll go out of my way to be nice to them.
Because I’ll know exactly what they’re going through.
>I’m not quite getting the first wife thing. I’m understanding it through the context of it all…guess it has something to do with you NOT being the first wife? How does that make HER a first wife? Now that I think about it, I’m even more confused than I thought. And that’s saying a lot.Either way, you seem far too classy to lower yourself down to that junior-high cliquey thing. This is where headbands with laser beams built in would come in handy.
>Plus ca change… You’re bringing me right back to eighth grade when my stepmother at 30 was the object of derision at our soccer games. I felt so protective of her and now I’m feeling that way about you. Meanwhile, you’re not some blonde 21 year-old chippie. Not that you aren’t gorgeous and youthful and smart and effervescent and worthy of a trophy, but I see trophy wives–the ones actually meriting the sneers–as a little different than you. Take this as a compliment.
>I agree with mom101. You’re clearly not a bimbo (unless you just hide it really, really well.) 😉 Sounds like they need to get into therapy to work on their own issues, if they have to believe that *all* second wives are trophy wives.
>While I can understand your frustration at being treated like that, no, there is no First Wives Club. I get the same kind of looks and comments and surprised “ohs!” from people who realize that I am in fact son’s mom. I get this when at places that son’s stepmom usually is (her church, her neighborhood) for events that son is involved in. And he does NOT live with them full time. I get this at son’s school from the parents who (ok, I’ll look like a snot now) either are or look a lot older than me. You can’t let it get to you. I’d say that at least it makes good blog fodder, but I hate how the stereotypes of the “evil ex-wife” are perpetuated.
>I would be a little outraged about ANY grown woman speaking to my daughter, stepdaughter or biological, without her introducing herself to me. Shame on her! That’s just not done.
>Harpy!Bimbo!Lolita!That’s it… I’ve run out of names…oh,wait! Vixen!
>Wendy, you wouldn’t BELIEVE how many times that’s happened to me. Some moms have absolutely zero interest in meeting me, even if I’m standing right in front of them.And Jackie, I understand your point and I feel for you. I can see how a second wife would have issues with her husband’s ex and vice versa- but I just don’t see a whole lot of second wives out there openly snubbing first wives that they don’t even know. That’s pretty much unheard of.
>I enjoy hearing your perspective on this topic. I imagine the whole thing has got to be a little disconcerting for you – and while it might be awkward for them. Get over it ladies! And you should buy yourself a trophy wife tshirt just to piss them off. People are idiots.
>You know-although I totally agree with the be nice to her in the future philosophy. I cannot be too nice, b/c I (personally) do not know where to draw the line. For instance-if she took me up on my ‘niceness’ I wold find myself with even LESS time on my hands and another obligation.LOVE your new look-I love how ‘free’ you have become. Love, Love, Love! I need to change your link on my blog from Lucinda to (TBFKAL) hahaha!XOXO
>I will never understand how, regardless of age, some women perpetually behave like 13 year olds. And the MEAN ones at that.Some people just refuse to grow up. (It’s worse in the south, isn’t it?)
>Well I’m on my second husband and the other first husbands at our school don’t really give him a hard time, such a sexist world. 🙂 AHAHAHAHAHA! Sounds like a lot of bitterness thrown unfairly your way because you are pretty. Whatever. You are the better person, you can at least take comfort in that.
>Were these women friends of your husbands ex? Because if they were her friends then I sorta get it. Sortof. But if not then they are just being lame and judgemental over nothing. You probably wouldn’t want to talk with them anyway.I agree with the Uncensored one.Get a Trophy Wife tee shirt and call it a day.
>My mother was in the divorcee club and felt like she was the brunt of a lot of snooty married ladies in our little town. Divorcees apparently weren’t really popular in the rural South in the mid-1970s (and my mom was pretty smokin’ for a mom back then, I’ll have to admit). The trophy wife T-shirt…now THAT would give them something to talk about! 😉 Just blow them off…these ladies don’t know what they are missing!
>p.s. not saying that you are in the divorcees club…just reminded me of how my mom feltOK…shutting the hell up now
>Sounds like jealousy, the sad kind.But I agree with Motherhood Uncensored re: the cute lil trophy shirt.
>It is odd how it’s the women who do this stuff to each other. The men don’t seem to care. My husband says men just aren’t that complicated!
>I’m lucky that I’m not a second wife step-mom, and as such can freely refer to Caleb’s mother as Joe’s baby-mama. It may sound trashy, but OH DEAR GOD she is.
>UGH!!! I never even thought of the First Wife Thang. Just one more way for us to be bitchy to one another, I suppose. And yes— why are they so nice to your husband bu rude to you? You didn’t the first wife, HE did. Thank goodness, of course. Stepping off my soapbox…
>This cultural phenomenon needs a name, but better yet, a no-fail, smack-down,smart-ass quip to jump-start the arrested development of these beyotches.I don’t know what this might be, but whatever it is, I’d buy the t-shirt.
>Great post. I can’t believe that she would be so rude. If my ex ever remarries it is on my shoulders to insure that we (1st and 2nd) have a good relationship. It’s about the kids and it should be about more love.I vote for the t-shirt.
>Okay, Lindsay, here it is–the Trophy Wife tee.I’m serious! Click the link. And order one! I dare you. I think I’ll be getting this one for myself.
>Damn. I wish I was a trophy wife just so I could wear that hilarious shirt! Wear it with pride.
>Kelly, none of these women were friends with my husband’s ex. Some knew her, but some didn’t.And you guys are right- I’m gonna buy the t-shirt. And I think I’ll do what they do in Marie Claire- wear it for a day and report the reactions on my blog! What a great idea!Stay tuned.
>Yet another reason why I don’t like women!As a first wife (with a divorce that went as well as it could) I would never treat you like that. Ever. But I’m not petty. Or bitchy. Usually! 🙂
>Lucy, I think maybe you’re making too much of this. EVERYBODY loves you. So chin up, keep smiling, always.
>it’s not a first wife thing, they’re just soooooo jealous because you’re soooooo gorgeous.
>I would have slapped her face…kidding aside that is soo rude. Next time DO NOT say hi to her, just turn away and order your sandwich at the deli!
>I promise as a First wife..when my ex gets a second wife…god let that be soon..someone needs to knock some sense into him…to be nice to all of them..it not the second wives fault most of the time. Don’t worry about those high school acting women..geez…Just for me though..were you on TV in Charleston???
>I have to say that I think you probably shamed her a bit by saying hello to her. That was the best thing to do! If you snub her the next time (which is probably what I would do) then she would probably bitch to her friends how you dared to snub her. It’s a no win situation.I wonder if my stepmother ever went through anything like this. In her case though, my father did leave my mom for her and it was an ugly divorce and three years of hell.
>I’ve said it before, and now’s a good time to say it again: I will never understand women!! What a strange gender we are! Can’t wait to hear the results of your t-shirt experiment! Go get ’em …
>”Why, for example, am I on their shitlist, but not my husband?”Well, get on your husband, then! Nobody’s stopping you! ;^)Okay, seriously, Adrienne Moore’s mom’s situation speaks for itself. She’s most likely still smarting over the awful divorce, and working out her stuff inappropriately by pumping your stepdaughter for information. (I like the comment from the poster who said a kid should introduce an adult to her parent before talking to her. Very polite.) I would suppose that to any women who are “first” (or “only”) wives, you may represent what can go wrong in a marriage: A marriage breaks down, the husband finds a younger woman, the “first wife” finds that this touches every insecurity she ever had (or has discovered she has), and, to add to that, if the “first wife” was a stay-at-home mom, she has to juggle childcare and employment and a significant degree of loneliness and bereftness for an indefinite period — basically, the way everything can all go to shit.The following is not a criticism: I think you wouldn’t truly understand this unless you had gone through a messy divorce later in life. I also hope you never experience that. But consider that the reaction the “first wives” give you *has nothing to do with you personally.* For this reason, I would suggest (and it goes without saying that you may reject this if you want) that instead of wearing the “trophy wife” shirt, you take a more dignified approach and just focus on your family and your own friends, who undoubtedly know you as the wonderful person you are.
>My mother and stepmother sit together at events involving me or my brothers (weddings, graduations, birthday parties, etc.) They like each other so well that my mother has said “Is stemother’s-name going to be there? Oh GOOD! I’ll have someone to talk to!”I’m very lucky.But even before discussing the rudeness and bitchiness of treating you badly simply because her own marriage dissolved (like you had something to do with that?!? Shoot, even if her husband left her for a younger woman, how does that involve YOU? I mean, sheesh, she was younger once herself, right??) MY biggest issue is the fact that this woman, whom you did not know, spoke to the young woman for whom you were responsible at great length, WITHOUT ACKNOWLEDGING YOU! I would even expect a teenager who might know your daughter from school to acknowledge your presence, either “Hello, Mrs. Friend” or even a nod and a grunt. No way would my mother (or stepmother!) have put up with that…from the other person, or from me! If my friend (or my friend’s mother) was not reared properly and didn’t speak to her, I certainly should have interrupted my friend and introduced her to my mother or stepmother!
>Thank you all for your advice.I was debating introducing myself to the first wife, but I have a notoriously bad memory for faces, so I was slightly worried that I was already supposed to know who she was. So staring at her until she said hello was my version of calling her out.I also think that it’s not who I am, it’s what I represent to some women. But that’s no excuse for bad behavior. They shouldn’t be using me as a way to assuage their hurt feeling toward their husband.And BECK, I could never wear “the t-shirt” on a regular basis, but I do think it would be funny to wear it for a day and write about the reaction. I’m going to have to make my own on another site though, because $32 is too much to pay for a t-shirt!
>It sounds like Suburban Hell to me…Hold your head up high…Their loss…Pretty sad when one embraces the past so strongly and does not allow for the fact that life goes on… In my mind’s eye it means that they have no faith in the future…Pretty sad and petty when you have kids!
>You’re a good WO-man, Charlie Brown–er–Lucinda. I don’t understand the reactions of First Wives if you aren’t the person who replaced them. Maybe their misplaced anger is due to the fact that we don’t expect much of a moral compass (or whatever) from men, given that the whole “boys will be boys” thing gives them a blank check to be a total asshat and still run the world. We expect more from women and thus, we give them hell when we’re unhappy…even when our unhappiness isn’t warranted. I’m glad all young Second Wives can count on your for compassion.
>That’s ridiculous. People are such insecure babies…
>Wow.After my divorce, I lost a few friends we had as a couple. When Foreigner and I got together I was the one that got snubbed by our former friends. I couldn’t go anywhere and be happy. When I was single I was living in the house my first hub and I shared, when he’d come and pick up the kids for the weekend my neighbor would corner him and tell him how he thought I was “doing him wrong”.People are so judgemental and stupid. Makes me want to buy an island. Oh, and your situation? Yeah, you’re coochy-coochy-slammin-sexy girl! Just another reason for the haters. ;-))
>Oh honey I know all about it! I’m 23. My husband is 35. We’ve been together since I was 19. We are now married with 2 kids and he has 3 from his first marriage. I know the looks and the stares and the rude attitudes. Oh I know it all too well!!
>Here’s an idea: Instead of ignoring her, which shows her that she’s gotten to you, be really friendly instead. The next time you see her say, “I saw you last week at such and such, but I didn’t say hi because I wasn’t sure you recognized me. I wanted to re-introduce myself, since we keep bumping into each other all the time!” Make sure you’re in a public place, so that if she still acts like a bitch, then everyone else gets to see her do it. And maybe you’ll mortify her into being nice afterall. It’s the tack I take when some bi-atch at work won’t say hi.
>She is probaly jealous of you. I have been reading your blog. Sounds like to me you have a excellant marriage. Would she be jealous of that?Shame on her for not saying hello to you. What kind of mother is she? That is unacceptable behavior.Keep writing you have a awesome blog.
>Women can be so mean to each other. I think that next time you are at the supermarket you should bumb into her while she’s holding some really ripe bananas. Yuck.the woman was incredibly rude. I can’t believe she talked to your daughter without introducing herself– that is unheard of. You know, it could also be that you are a writer. Do these women know you write? I get a lot of cold shoulders from psycho moms because i write– it’s weird. Like their lives are interesting enough for me to write about! Ha!
>I was at Barnes & Noble yesterday, and I saw a book that made me think of you(I read this post yesterday)-It’s called The Second Wives’ Club-don’t remember the author-but the book jacket made it look pretty entertaining.
>Well not all first wives are evil… I became a first wife at the age of 25 rofl so maybe thats why I am not mean to second wives. After all I am one now 🙂 If that makes sense, That is weird she is all nice to your hubby and not you.
>what the fuck?!?!! you say the best part when you say why are you shit on, but not your husband?!
>jealousy. that’s all. being a first or second wife probably has nothing to so with it. you’re younger, you’re better looking, you’re husband is better looking. she just uses the 2nd wife thing as an excuse to be petty
>I completely agree that’s really bad behavior on their part — especially since they have no qualms about being nice to the husband. But, I’m sad to say, I’m NOT surprised. It’s so their issue. You definitely don’t need to make it yours.
>That sucks! And like you said, shouldn’t your husband be treated poorly as well? How bizarre and quite odd. I don’t know the story, obviously, but it seems obvious you didn’t kidnap hubby and FORCE him to marry you. Ya know? Good LoRD. People, women, can be sOOOoooOOO dumb. And rude. And mean. And UGHGHGHG.
>The story is that I didn’t even meet my husband until after his divorce was finalized. I know some of you must be wondering if I was an “other woman.” Nope.
>I’d venture to say if she wasn’t friends with the first wife, it’s a good ol’ fashioned case of insecurity. Why are women so hard on each other?!!?!?!?
>Although you say you met after his divorce was finalized, I am pretty certain the First Wive’s club doesn’t believe that. I am one of those horrible women who has snubbed a woman I *KNEW* was a partner in crime during an extramarital affair (hubby and I saw them together). However, I snubbed the jerkoff husband as well (he brought her to the office gathering while still living with his wife!). Are you sure the ex-wife has never made some well-placed comments about you and her ex?
>Oh yeah, there’s no question that I had nothing to do with the divorce. I moved here after it was finalized and I was on TV, so there was no question that I wasn’t here. Also, our suburb is like a small town. Hubs has lived here for years. EVERYONE knows his (our) business. Luckily, we live in a way that it doesn’t really matter. We don’t have anything to hide.
>Ah! Then they are just bitches!
>Who cares whether or not you were the other woman. The truth is no one can make you leave a marriage. It’s a choice that is made by a peson who is in the marriage. There is no excuse for rude behavior. Who is anyone to judge? were you there in bed with this person..no i don’t think so. No one lives perfect lives. You know the sayin “people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones”. As far as the 1st wives comment they are ex-wives thats all. You are the one who comes first.