The Nether Lands
I’m not what you’d call a high-maintenance kind of girl.
Oh, I keep up appearances. Mostly. I wear make-up and brush out my hair and I wouldn’t be caught dead in a track suit (apologies to all my track suit wearing readers- Hey, you look fabulous! It’s just not a good look on me). But I gave up manicures a long time ago. My hairstylist sees me once a quarter, if she’s lucky. And when it comes to ahem, waxing? Well.
I don’t go there.
“It’s not that bad,” a friend told me when I asked her about her waxing sessions. “I mean, I have a woman who comes to my house and does it. I can’t imagine going to a salon for a bikini wax.”
“But what happens?” I asked.
“You get on all fours and she puts the wax on, and then rips it off. It doesn’t really hurt that bad.”
Excuse me… WHAT?! You get on ALL FOURS?! Now, I know I have waxing readers out there, so correct me if my information is inaccurate, but this is what I was told by a very reliable source. And it freaked me out so badly that I had nightmares about it for months afterward.
After very little soul searching, I decided that I’d be doing the landscaping all by myself. And there would be no wax involved. My DIY method didn’t allow for a lot of finesse, but at least I wasn’t bottomless on all fours in some salon’s dingy back room.
For years, I was at peace with this decision- Until one recent day, I read a survey in Some Magazine that said 75% of women polled said they are “bare floor” down there.
Betrayed doesn’t even begin to describe how I felt. You’re telling me 3 out of 4 women are completely bare down there and I didn’t know? Where exactly was I when all of this was going on? Why was I kept out of the loop? Was it all part of a wide-reaching conspiracy to make me out to be some sort of circus freak?
Enough was enough.
I went straight to the drugstore and winced my way through various waxes until I finally came upon my miracle solution. Thank God for Sally Hansen and her Painless Bikini No-Wax Hair Removal Brazilian Formula.
I held on to the stuff for a week before actually using it yesterday while I had the house to myself. Yes, it was (mostly) painless. Yes, it did the job it claimed it would do on the box.
But how on earth would I tell my husband? And what if he hated it?
He wouldn’t hate it, though. It was very porn star-ish. And that’s what men like, right? Secretly?
Fast forward to last night.
I had decided to be subtle, yet sexy.
“So, are you sleepy?” I asked as we got ready for bed.
“Yes.”
“Really sleepy?”
“I’m sleepy.”
“But are you really, really sleepy?”
“I’m not that sleepy.” My husband was confused. Was this my version of a come-on? Because if it was, he sure as hell didn’t want to screw things up.
Awkwardly, I got undressed.
He watched. Then, he did a double take. An honest-to-god double take. And then he… He…
Laughed.
HE LAUGHED, PEOPLE.
So I in turn did what any woman would do. I yanked the sheet from the bed and covered myself. In one quick, God-help-me-now motion.
“What???” he said, laughing helplessly. “What the..?”
I feebly tried to explain.
“Wait,” he said once his laughter had subsided. “Let me investigate.”
“No!” I said, anxiously clutching my sheet around me. “Let’s just pretend this never happened.”
It took quite a bit of coaxing before my husband was allowed to conduct his investigation, but I’m going to just close the curtain on the scene right there. Because according to public opinion, this is a mommy blog. Therefore we must keep things family friendly.
But the next time you suffer through an embarrassing moment, keep in mind that there is nothing but nothing more embarrassing than having your hoo-ha laughed at. Period. End of discussion.
Maybe you’re wondering now why I told you all this.
You know what?
So am I.
>OMG what an entry! I am totally cracking up over heah.But hey, you can’t fool me. You’re telling about waxing your whoopsie so we’ll go over to Best of Blogs and vote for you. Yes, that’s right–you BOBed the hair down there, you shameless thing. It’s a transparent attempt to get us to stuff the ballot box.The sad thing is … it worked. I’m totally in awe of the porn star Mommy blogger and the tale of her hairless tale.So you’ve got my vote … just be sure to use Pamela Anderson’s hair and makeup lady for when you accept your award. Oh, and be sure to flash the judges! p.s. Just kidding! The flashing would probably be a bad idea.p.p.s. And here I was thinking I was the only woman left whose nether regions were still fuzzy.
>Laughing my ass of at you!First of all. I get waxed by a professional. (well… I used to regularly and now. Not so regular.)Getting on all fours has NEVER been required.But then again, I don’t go brazilian.That’s right.I guess I’m the one out of four that is not bare down there.And you know what?I don’t care.My hb and I have had the convo. about the brazilian thing and he pretty much told me that he’d rather me not get it.Good. I’ve heard it hurts like a bitch!But holy crap! You are brave for springing that on your hb. BRAVE!
>You have a landing strip now? Don’t tell anyone, but when you get my age, you don’t have to worry about waxing. It sort of takes care of itself.
>You are SO BRAVE for sharing that with ALL of us. I am seriously laughing out loud and it’s late…my kids are trying to sleep lady! Well I will have to just reserve my time at your place for when they are at school from now on. Well since you were so brave and shared, I guess I don’t mind sharing that I have been going “porn” for about 10 years now and I’m a DIY kinda girl. Sorry for not telling you sooner, I didn’t realize you need to know 🙂
>OK, you seriously need to share some more details here. I was totally in the dark as well, and shocked by your statistics. Plus, I’m still confused if you went Brazilian or took it all off. Or is that the same thing?? And I need to know if it was well received after all was said and (ahem) done. How else will I know if I, too, should take the plunge?
>hahahahah!!!girl, check back in about 2 weeks, if you don’t keep up with the maintenance..good times.congrats on the BOB!!
>Don’t believe everything you read. The 75% number has to be way too high. Not that I’m going online at work to research this. And post again as soon as it starts scratching.
>That was great! What a laugh! Thanks for that and congrats on your nomination.And I guess I’m not part of the 75% who goes bare, but I do go to the salon for waxing. BTW, there is no getting down on all fours involved!
>I am cracking up. Kudos for being creative, even if he did get a laugh out of it!
>OMG!! Who knew you were so … fearless! Thanks Momma K for bringing us together…;0) All I can say now is “OUCH.” You are a braver woman than I dear Lucinda…much…much..braver.
>WOW! What magazine were you reading and who responded to that survey?You are much braver than I.
>The only thing worse than having your hoo-ha laughed at is having your performance laughed at as you attempt to stand on your head in a pathetic attempt to put some spice back in your love life. (Believe me I know) Congrats on the BOB’s!
>COMPLETELY bald? Not even a little soul patch/landing strip, whatever the heck they call it? Oh my. Brave woman. Hopefully not itchy woman in a week! 😀
>Ok, this right here is a good example of why I just voted for you (and you’re in the lead, by the way!) Some people, if they were nominated for something like this award, would try to come up with something really profound, or pull out their very deepest/most heart-wrenching stories of motherhood. Not you, Luci. You are just yourself…talking about the pubes and all. HA! I love ya! You crack me up!Also, your statistics are scary to me as I must be behind the times too. And, I think the all fours thing has to be just for the Brazilian, which I don’t know if I could do. We took a poll at our bunco group and a ton of people do the bikini wax, but only one was brave enough for the full monty waxing. HA!
>OMG, I can’t stop laughing. How could I ever compete with this ;-)btw, I guess I am in that one in four also.
>*giggle*And that’s all I have to say 🙂
>*whistling*I KNEW there was a benefit of chemo..*grin*Minerva
>Oh wow. I am rolling on the floor and I can only wonder what my co-workers think! Let me tell you from a former Professional Hoo-Haa Waxer…..it’s not pretty. Or painless. Some waxers can manage to take it all off without requiring their vict-I mean, client, to get on all fours. But then they make you roll your butt back quite a ways while you hold your legs. It’s like Pilates. So I don’t know whats worse. That or the “downward dog”.In my opinion, it’s totally not worth all the anguish to end up sore and looking pre-pubescent. And from your hilarious experience, I’m sure you have learned that too. 😉
>hehehe!!!! ok.. that is funny.. I did that once.. only I shaved instead…Never never never do that.. never…
>So you said it was “painless,” but you didn’t say what territory you covered. I’m picturing Carrie Bradshaw with her Manolo Blahniks up in the air. And are we to assume that the Hubs liked it, or was he indifferent? Inquiring minds, don’tcha know! Look, lady, if you’re going to start a subject like this, I think you owe it to your public to finish it. I mean, how else are the remaining 25% of us supposed to wax vicariously? ;^)
>Okay, okay. After the guffawing stopped, Hubs decided he liked it. Very much. Thanks for asking.
>Okay, I LOL with this one. Hubby’s reaction cracked me up. Not sure what my husband would say…..he would probably laugh too.De-lurking to say congrats on being a BoB finalist.
>ok, you start out on your back then you move to hands and knees. It’s over relatively quickly.The first 2 or 3 times you’ll want to sit in a bowl of ice and there is no touching that thing for several days and it make sting when you pee.But when you get past the intial HOLY SHIT THIS HURTS it’s a cakewalk.Really.And you don’t have to do it again for another 8-10 weeks AND eventually some of the hair will be like gone and never grow back.It’s all good.
>That stat must be off…. with the number of women who don’t fix their head hair or bother to wax their eyebrows I can’t imagine that they would be focused much more on their pubic topiary….P.S. I ended up watching Angels in America instead, which was completely amazing.
>I am so glad I found your site. I can’t stop laughing.
>Oh. My. Gawd. HA HA HA! Oh you poor thing. I sure as hell hope he made it all up to you. He actually probably has some makin’ up to do for quite awhile now. I would have cried. You are braver than I. Just know that once you start you can’t stop. It itches like crazy comin’ back in. I know. My hubs wants me to be part of the 25% population group. ;0)
>i wax but never a full brazilian wax. and it sounds like it was a very, very family friendly night.
>Good luck on the BLOG thingy!
>This really cracked me up. You are a riot.
>You won!
>Dying of laughter. I needed that this morning…thanks! I get waxed by a professional but not the brazilian. One time my usual esthetician was gone and I had a replacement. She just assumed I wanted a brazilian cuz that’s what everyone gets….well, lets just say she “hijacked” my entire well, ya know what I’m sayin. Won’t do it again that’s for sure. It is one itchy mess after a bit.Love the blog…will definately stop by again.
>Oh my. You are such a funny girl, LucyLu. First of all, of course I voted for you LIKE EVERYONE SHOULD DAMMIT! And second of all, no way in hell would you find me in a salon on all fours. No way in hell. I do my own work, thankyouverymuch and I’m quite a pro by now.PS- I wrote an entry over the summer that included the term “bare floor” and I still get google hits almost every day from it. So now you’re in for it sister. Have fun 😉
>There is NO WAY that didn’t hurt. (The waxing part, get your minds out of the gutter, people.) Seriously, HOW COULD IT NOT HURT?Tell me, please. PLEASE.
>LMAO! I always suggest to my girlfriends that are feeling less than frisky to shave that thang! Catching a breeze is kinda nice, huh? LOL I can’t believe you found a wax that didn’t hurt! Great post! And, I voted for you. This post alone is worth the Blog Hall of Fame!
>I voted! 3 out of 4? I’m missing something too. Except there is this one girl I work with who has told us all, more than once that she is “bald eagle” down there. She also once told us that she has a fat one. Ewww. TMI, TMI, TMI! I swear I can’t look at her without cringing now.
>There are so very many anectdotes I’d like to share on this issue but to avoid a letter-length comment, I will limit myself to these two: 1)A friend of mine once asked her husband if she should dye her pubic hair blue. He answered, “Only if it will make it taste better. 2)I think that 75% statistic may have been tampered with or outright fabricated by someone in the waxing industry…it’s in their best interest to make us ladies feel paranoid, right? (Of course, in your case, your paranoia may have been misplaced–instead of worrying that you weren’t landscaped enough, you should’ve been worrying about Hubs popping a vein laughing so hard at your hoo ha.)
>I feel compelled to let you all know that the Sally Hansen stuff works like Nair. Only gentler. So there’s no wax involved and no itchy regrowth. But um, thanks for your concern, yellojkt. I wouldn’t expect that coming from a guy.
>LOL I’m totally cracking up. Great post! I’ll definitely be stopping by to read more. 🙂
>First, congrats on the nomination!Second, you are hilarious! You Go Brazilian, have the nerve to show it to the hubs, then get laughed at, then tell us! I just love you to pieces, Lucinda!!!
>Sounds like it did the trick though!Thta 75% better be wrong.
>I’m in the 25% catagory with you Lucinda and if it was my husband that laughed, I’d be $250,000 richer because buddy-boy would be in a body bag.Wow. Smack him for me. Then smack him again. Wearing your big narliest ring. With a closed fist.Then you take your hairy poon-tang and go buy yourself something nice with all the beer money you’ll be saving.:)
>Very funnymynewsbot.com
>I can’t believe he laughed!!!I love this blog. Every time I stop by, it cracks me up.
>”soul patch”, Theresa? hahahah!!!!!!is it sick that I have commented on this post 2x?
>I’ve learned to never laugh. Ever.It’s the key to a successful marriage.Thanks for having the guts to post this. I laughed all the way through.
>Sally Hansen, huh? THANKS for the tip!
>ROFLOL! Thanks for stopping by my blog tonight.
>Still fuzzy here.Shaved once. Never, ever again.
>And still, the hoo ha baring goes on. Maybe I should make this a sidebar section…
>I think that 75% means that 75% of us do it once in our lives, because we’ve heard that 75% of women do it. Well, you get my point. Anyhow, I am bustin’ a gut and I am soooooooooo voting for you. How the hell have I not been here before? You are a stitch. Michele sent me today, i’m blogrolling you. =)
>Oh my goodness. A hilarious post. I’ve not been brave to do the full wax thing, mainly because I’m scared off the regrowth – I don’t fancy a tonne of boils and ingrown hairs down there, if you know what I mean ! ;)PS> Michele sent me
>i am CTFULMAO over here! and might try that product too! hahaha…michele sent me…. i’m blogrolling you… you crack me up! NO PUN INTENDED!!!! hahahaha
>One of a thousand reason why I don’t wear bikinis. hehe. That and saving the site of innocent people everywhere.
>Crack me UP!!That 75 percent thing must be only the US stats, I am more then sure MOST New Zealand woman don’t do the all fours rip it off thing at all LOL
>75%? That’s ridiculous. (I’m all natural down there, and have never felt the need to be otherwise.)
>I love this blog. You will be one of my regular blog stop offs every morning from now on.The on all fours position you mentioned threw me for a huge loop. I admit that I’ve “torn up the carpet”, but I’ve never had to do the doggie-style position. If I had I would never had continued it, I tell you that! Hurt like hell the first time, but to be honest now it hurts more to get my eyebrows done.
>FWIW, I’ve been waxing for (let me count ….) 20 years at least. My mom was a cosmetologist and she got me started. Anyhow, I use Gigi was, from the beauty supply store and I wax myself … but have never bared it all. Eek! I have pain tolerance, but not that kind of pain tolerance.
>I didn’t find this on euntil you linked it in “Word Spreads”, but I’m so sorry I missed it.I have to say, with great sorrow, that I too laughed at your hoo-ha, having never seen it myself. I’ll admit I started laughing about 4 paragraphs earlier, so it may have been residual.You could be a sitcom. Love to you!
http://vimeo.com/70478549
That’s a road I myself have traveled! It’s the “preferred” route for us 🙂 but in the beginning it was a very similar story!
You really made me laugh!
I would never wax. I tried it on my legs, at a beautician, and had to stop because of my veins (at risk for varices). For the legs, I now use a ‘hair plucker’ (Silk Epil by Philips): wonderful little machine, bought 15 years ago and still going strong. For the bikini and underarms, I use hair removal cream (Veet or such, usually sensitive skin stuff). I hit puberty several years before the other girls at school and it was really embarrassing at school (changing rooms at the gym, and, especially, swimming lessons…). My mother was also horrified as she only hit puberty when she was 17, and had very little hair down there (plus she’s blondish, I am a dark brunette). She initially lent me razors and tweezers, and I spent several years pruning my undergrowth using these… When I discovered hair removal cream, I sank down on my knees and thanked God!
When I first went to the gynaecologist (a 50-something feminist), she actually asked me why I was bare down there. I told her I found it was more hygienic and she tut-tutted! Wouldn’t grow it back though: I find it is really itchy when I sweat at the gym!