The Stepmother Takes a Blog Beating

There’s a new blended family brouhaha at Cafe Mom over comments Gisele Bundchen made about her toddler stepson in Vanity Fair. Here’s one quote from that piece, via Cafe Mom:

“It’s not like because somebody else delivered him, that he’s not my child,” Bundchen said in Vanity Fair. “I want to him to have a great relationship with his mom, because that’s important, but I love him the same way as if he were mine. I already feel like he’s my son. He’s my little angel — the sweetest, most cuddly, loving baby.

I can see how these comments might not overjoy the mother of Bundchen’s stepson (although she has not reacted publicly about the article). Plenty of women have chimed in on various blogs about Bundchen’s statement, saying they would be royally pissed if their child’s stepmother publicly made that statement.

To those women, I say, GET OVER YOURSELF.

Oh yes I did.

First off, I am assuming from that statement that Bundchen was not trying to anger her stepson’s mother with her words. With that said, if you are divorced and your child is lucky enough to have a stepmother who loves him as much as if he were her own, you are going to have a much happier, far less traumatized-from-divorce child, despite your irritation with the fact that someone else adores him. I grew up with a stepfather who was every bit as much of a parent to me as my biological parents, who never made me feel like a “step,” and he has had (and continues to have) a tremendous impact on my life, so yes, I speak from some experience.

One of my favorite bloggers, Katie Allison Granju, responded to the Cafe Mom post with her own take on the matter. She is divorced and remarried with children from both marriages, but not a stepmom herself, and in a post written yesterday for Babble, she instructed stepmothers on how to avoid what she called, “Gisele Bundchen syndrome.” You should read all of her post because some of her advice is sound (EDIT: unfortunately, she took the post down before this post was published, due to trolls), but here’s the part with which I absolutely disagree:

“Don’t immediately start showing up at parent-teacher conferences, and participating in a parental way. Don’t immediately sign up to be snack-mom for your stepdaughter’s softball team. Definitely don’t start acting as your husband’s stand-in or equal when communicating with teachers, coaches, other kids’ parents, or most especially, with your stepchildren’s mother. The fact that you are now married to your stepkids’ father doesn’t magically turn you into a parent – legally, emotionally or ethically…

“…if you haven’t been part of the family very long relative to how old the children are, and you don’t really know the kids’ mom yet, hold off a while on doing “mom-like” things at school, at the park and with the kids’ friends’ parents.”

When I first became a stepmother, I dove right into the role. I was less concerned with what my husband’s ex-wife wanted and more concerned with what my new stepdaughters wanted. They were 8 and 10 years-old, ages at which parents aren’t yet considered an embarrassment. And they were very clearly happy and excited when I came to lunch and parent’s night and soccer games and practices and plays. They were glad to have me around, it didn’t feel awkward, and as long as that was the case, I was there.

Beyond solidifying my relationship with the girls, getting involved in their lives helped me deal with their friends’ parents. I definitely got my share of “hazing” from moms when I first started showing up at events. But I guess it’s hard to hate someone who is consistently volunteering to bring snacks to the game or host the cast party at her home. It wasn’t long before I felt comfortable calling the other moms to arrange carpools or coordinate chaperones for an event or asking questions about a new friend on the scene, and that allowed me to do a better job taking care of my stepdaughters.

In short, I would advise a new stepmom to gauge her level of involvement based on how her stepchildren are responding to her presence, not her husband’s ex-wife. If the kids don’t seem to want her around, she needs to back off. If they seem to welcome her, she needs to be there for them. I have taken both cues from my girls, and while the cue to back off can be hard to accept, it’s from them, I am not their mother, and I try very hard to respect how they feel.

Katie goes on to say this:

When speaking to others about your stepchildren, avoid saying things like “we have joint custody” or “our children.” While your husband may share joint custody of his children with their mother, you do not. One does not marry into automatic legal custody of someone else’s children. And frankly, they are not your children, even though you may love them as if they are (which is a good thing).

Again, I totally disagree. Gauge how your stepchildren feel about this and take it from there. If you want to eliminate the “step” from your vocabulary and you’re not sure how your stepchildren will react, try asking them what they think about it. I personally love that my stepfather has always referred to me as his daughter. And as a stepmom, I’ve bypassed the issue by referring to my stepdaughters as “my girls.”

I realize this sounds harsh from a divorced mother’s perspective. If my marriage were to fail and my children were getting a new stepmom, I’d be beside myself. I get that. Trust me.

But a stepmother’s only responsibility to her stepchildren’s mother is to try to be civil and non-confrontational, no matter what (and sometimes, that is incredibly difficult. I realize that). Beyond that, her only concern should be her stepkids’s feelings and well-being.

And if she is doing those things (and if she wasn’t the cause of the marriage break-up– I have no sympathy or respect for extramarital girlfriends who become wives- that’s a train wreck if kids are involved) any mother who has a problem with her needs to grow up.

I’m sureyou have an opinion on this, so I’d love to hear what you think. Does the thought of a stepmother treating her stepkids like her own freak you out? If so, why?