>Throw Down at the Play Pit
>So there I was, minding my own business, calmly helping Baby go down the slide in the local mall’s play center yesterday… when I felt it.
The evil eye.
Confused, I looked from face to face at the mothers and fathers seated on carpeted stairs around the play area. Nope, no, nuh-uh, Well hello there! I’ve seen you here before!, no…. Oh. You.
Hunkered down on the uppermost step with a baby in her lap, her glare was unmistakable. Bitch, it said. This playcenter is my turf. Who do you think you are?
I knitted my brow. Didn’t I see you on Dr. Phil? my look said. Freakin’ Skeezer, I don’t even know you .
Defiantly, she maintained her gaze. You don’t need to know me, her eyes shot back. I can tell from up here you think you’re all that and a Family Circle cover. Well, I think you’re full of shit.
Around me, children squealed and chased each other, completely unaware that a throw down was taking place in their midst. I narrowed my eyes at the Bellevue Mall Bitch and visually blasted her with an I don’t care what you think about me, oh paragon of suburban skank. You’re so ugly, What Not to Wear devoted an entire season to you. I smirked and put one hand on my hip in triumph.
Bitch puffed up, obviously wounded. But she wasn’t ready to give in. You’re so ugly, her eyes shot back, Your baby didn’t cry for the first time until she saw your fugtastic face!
Oh no she didn’t! Don’t bring my baby into this, beeyotch! Because I’ll snow you! Quickly, I regained my composure and gave her my best glower, which clearly said, Your baby’s so ugly, Shrek tried to sue him for impersonation!
Her face turned pale as her grip on Shrek Junior tightened until he yelped in consternation. She stood and squinted meanly. Your baby’s so ugly, I read in her glare, that-
“Lindsay?” I turned away quickly. My stepdaughters slouched before me. “Are you ready to go?” My 15-year-old asked. “Because we’re, like, finished at Claire’s.”
“Uh yeah,” I said, “Just a sec.”
Picking up Baby, I turned and looked darkly at the Bellevue Bizatch once more. This ain’t over, Gurl, I scowled. I’ll be back. And next time, I’m bringing my play group with me.
I could read the fear in her eyes all the way across the atrium.
>Whoa – I had no idea the mall play center was such a dangerous place! Next time make sure you wear you colors so she knows which gang your from.
>A nice ass-scratch as you walked away would have spoken volumes…
>Well golly gee. Looks great around here. And um, I had a similar experience – except it was a weird married man at the bookstore.I fear worse the play group.
>You so totally kicked her ass.
>Ah, the battle of the playground. Know it well.
>forget the mall. I am never going back. people tried to steal my baby when he was a few weeks old (Well, not really but who says “Who is this cute baby I can steal?” to my friends when they are out with Nut!!??)oh and you SO won that battle.
>Danger! Was there a dance like the Jets vs the Sharks? Maybe a little finger snapping. A mini-switch-blade? Oooh. I hear “Beat It” playing in the background!
>Thank you for the giggle!
>*snort* ‘Didn’t I see you on Dr. Phil?’Best. Line. EVER.
>You should TOTALLY go back with your playgroup mamas and kick some bootie (and then post about it!) he he
>Oh L, you make hating too fun!
>When can we order our Team Lucinda t-shirts?
>All I can say is…damn gina
>Dude, what is up with people these days? I mean, REALLY! I have a good technique for you to try next time, that is if the playgroup doesn’t dogpile her or something. Just wait until she glares at you really nastily, and then start laughing hysterically at her like she is the most ridiculous person on the face of the Earth. Shake your head and walk away. (Um, but watch your back, this tends to REALLY piss off the already pissed. Hehehehe!)
>How much do I LOVE that you wrote this all from “glares”. That takes “reading between the lines” to a whole new level. I’m wipin’ my brow!
>Cool new blogskin!
>That’ll show her! You know what would show her even more? If you challenged her to a mud wrestling match and took lots of pictures and uploaded them here. Man, that’d show her.
>This is hilarious. Came here via Hoss.
>You said what we’ve all thought. Some bitch looks down her nose at you at the playground, while you’re dying to snarl the ultimate insult at her. Something like, “Your baby looks like a potato.”
>Will you sell tickets to Smackdown II?
>WELL, you certaintly showed HER! HMPFH! I taught my 13-year-old niece K. that if somebody at school was being nasty to her or talking about her, that K should smile and wave EVERYTIME she seen mean girl, It’s quite unnerving actually, K. was happy to report back. Try that NEXT time! 🙂 Although, I do love your technique.
>Wait a minute, was that YOU? Nobody calls me Bellevue Mall Bitch and lives to blog about it. And I SO won that round because you left first and I spent the next hour doing impersonations of you in front of the whole playground gang.Kidding. Very funny post. I too enjoy your new skin but I’m still in mourning over Lucinda. You’re great and all, but that little Lucinda pic made me laugh and it just doens’t feel right to laugh at your real picture.
>Killing myself laughing over here.I so need another kiddie, so I can partake in all this fun. Having throwdowns with the hillbilly parents around here on the soccer field never work.Inevitably, one of my kiddies comes over and asks if I have something in my eye. Cause I’m acting kind of weird.Sigh…
>I stay away from those play places. Some parents give me the creeps big time.
>I told my bf about the evil-eye wars, and now he thinks I’m crazy. Men just don’t understand these sorts of things. They only seem to get overt communication (like words). Neanderthals. You totally beat that bi-atch..
>Oh, man, Lucinda, ease up. You’ll have her blubbering in her spaghetti-o’s.
>Okay through this whole story, all I could see was Britney Spears blubbering face. When I think Trailer Trash, I think Brit-twit.You rock!
>LOL- this shit is hardcore!!!!!
>love your blog! a breathe of fresh air here in nashville (did i just type that?) yes, you are just what nashville needs. thanks for the laughs.
>omg… i need you to come with me to the mall! i may need you to go with me everywhere!
>This is entirely too funny. I remember when my kids were younger, I would have the same experiences in the grocery store. Love your imagination!
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