>Word Spreads, UPDATED
>”Oh. No.” I stared at my computer screen in horror.
“What is it?” Hubs asked from across the room.
“Someone at Mom and Dad’s was looking at my website last night from 11:30 until almost two in the morning.”
“Well, it couldn’t have been your parents,” Hubs surmised. “They would never be up that late.”
“Who else would it be?” I asked.
“Your grandmother.”
“My grandmother?” The color drained from my face as Hubs’ words seeped into my brain. It’s true that my grandmother loves going online. It’s also true that she often stays up into the wee hours of the morning. The reality hit me like a sucker punch to the gut.
MY GRANDMOTHER IS READING MY BLOG.
Perhaps you don’t realize the gravity of the situation.
MY GRANDMOTHER IS READING MY BLOG!
It’s bad enough that my parents are just now fully grasping the news that I asked for a frontal lobotomy last Christmas (thanks to those readers who worriedly warned me that frontal lobotomies are rarely performed anymore and are really not a good idea), that almost (and that almost is driving you crazy, now, isn’t it?) every member of the Green Hills MOMS Club would probably spit on me if she saw me at library story time, and that, well, I’m not even going to get into that.
The point is, my perfect daughter facade has been eroding for years now and I honestly believe that a part of them knew that this (and by this, I mean this. The part of me that comes through in this blog) was always lurking beneath.* And I think the closet cursing and crazy thoughts and deeds lurk beneath nearly all of us and the more we try to keep them hidden away (save for the times we’re on a particularly wild Girls Night Out or a week-long getaway with our husband in Mexico), the more problems we create for ourselves.
But my Grandmother knowing all this? That’s another story. I can just see her now, reading about the time I downed a bunch of alcomopolitans and then proceeded to boss around a bunch of Important Musicians, all while my belt was hanging open.
“Well, I declare,” she’ll say (and for the non-Southerners among you, that’s a lady’s way of saying, What the hell is wrong with you?)
Suddenly, it doesn’t seem so funny anymore.
Part of me wants to write all the embarrassing parts in really small script so that it’ll be hard to read and therefore, hopefully, unnoticed by family members. But that wouldn’t really be fair to the rest of you, now would it?
Another part of me wants to send out a mass e-mail to every family member I have, saying, “You know that little website I run? For the love of God, DON’T READ IT!” But I know me and the truth is, if there were an open diary lying on the table in front of me and no one around? I would totally read every word. And I must’ve gotten that quality from somewhere, right?
So let’s try this, family. You may read, but you may not talk to me about it. Ever.
Okay, maybe that’s a little harsh.
You may talk to me about it three times a year. So choose your occasions wisely.
That doesn’t sound right, either.
Okay. You may read, but you may not criticize.
Aw shit. I mean, shoot.
I’m screwed, aren’t I? I’m screwed.
*(Although I’ll never forget when my mom read the word ‘crap’ in my very first Nashville Scene column and urged me to talk to my editor about it, because, as she put it, “That’s not who you are.” And she was right. Because I would almost always choose “shit” over “crap,” at least in the written form).
P.S. Check out what my grandmother had to say in the comments. She’s awesome, isn’t she?
>:-pMakes your blood run cold, doesn’t it? ;-pTrust me, all the new avenues of conversation now open to you will be more fun than a root canal.
>Gulp! I’m horrified every day that my dad will find my blog.
>My mother reads my blog daily which definitely puts a damper on things.Last week she e-mailed me, my sister, and my brother and it it she mentioned she couldn’t believe I used the “f” word in my blog. She was referring to “fart.”OY
>Falling off my chair laughing… Oh what tangled webs we weave!Come on, they’re loving it!If Grandma were that appalled, she wouldn’t have kept reading! Obviously she was enjoying your writing… as we all do!!Grandma, if you’re out there, leave a comment!!! Please!!??
>Maybe no one was reading it for that long, maybe someone just left the computer on… you know, and it just happened to be on your website… and then they went to bed… and then Grandma was going to bed at 2am and saw the computer on, so she turned it on? That sounds possible? Right?? NO, you’re right, you’re so SCREWED!!
>I meant, Grandma turned it off. God I hate typos. Especially when I think I’m being so clever and witty. Forget it. I suck.
>Lindsay! I do declare that YOU ARE SCREWED! My parents, their friends and relatives also read my blog and that prohibits me from writing anything about any of them! Damn it! You’re braver than you think!
>Oh shit, you are screwed!
>My sweet little granny reads my blog every day. She prints it out and shows it to her neighbors.My blog.You know…the one where I renamed my vagina, talked about having sex with a muppet and last week called all my readers “you bitches”.Yeah…that blog.
>I feel for ya girl!
>She couldn’t have been too horrified if she kept reading all that time. I’ll bet she’d be the first one to defend you to your mother – grandma’s are good for that.Can’t be worse that my m-i-l reading my blog. This is a woman who even exercises in a skirt and never has a hair out of place! And there I am, swearing and openly coveting hot guys other than her son.You’ve got to be true to you.
>Oh good lord woman, you ARE screwed! What have you done to yourself now?
>If she’s anything like my grandmother was, and the fact that she says “Well, I declare” makes me think she is, her main concern will be whether your writing affects the girls’ eligibility for 1) making their debut 2) Jumior League 3) Any other social clubs that “matter”I broke my grandnother’s heart, and, well, I declare, she about never recovered!
>Hello! I came here by way of another blog where you are mentioned, http://straddlingtheline.blogspot.com/2006/11/friendly-voices.html. This entry makes me cringe. My 10 yr. old inadvertently told my mom I have a blog and she has been asking me to send her the link and I keep coming up with excuses to get out of it. I DO NOT WANT her to read it. There’s nothing really bad, but I have mentioned things about my mom that I’m sure she would not want to see and that I don’t want her to see. The minute she would find out about it, I would have to police everything I say. I don’t know how much longer I can make excuses…sigh.
>Until it actually makes money, I’d jsut about shrivel up and die if any member of my family saw my blog.But — maybe — your grandmother will be “cooler” about it than your parents could ever be.And I’ll be coming back every day, in eager anticipation of reading your grandmother’s comments….
>You are brave, you are very brave. Look at it as a way to tell your family things without telling them…and since it’s public, they have to remain calm and collected (they are Southerners, right?) You may just have found the secret to serenity within a family…A BLOG! But for me…not so much…I’m staying under my family’s radar!
>OMG, I loved reading this! I’d be mortified if my family ever stumbled across my blog, even though it’s pretty boring. But you reminded me of lots of drunken revelry I should have been blogging about if I wasn’t such a wuss!
>Okay, it sucks about grandma and all, but I’m still reeling over 75% of women waxing their hoo-ha! What else have I missed?! I’m off to the archives!!!
>Wow and eeek.Well, hi Grandma.
>My friend, you have INSPIRED me to call out all of those family members who LURK on my blog…’Cuz that’s just who I am. No regrets – No shame.Please pray for me…;)
>Wow, your Grandma is on top of things. I keep begging mine to get email to no avail. But actually reading this post and the comments I’m having second thoughts.
>I’d rather chew off my own foot than have ANY family member read MY blog….
>Yes this is your grandmother reading.hehe I am lucky my parents don;t even know how to use an answering machine but less a computer!
>Oh boy! Too bad you’re pregnant. Drinking (heavily) is the only way out of this one!
>Yes I love staying until the wee hours of the night.This is Lucinda’s 82 year old grandmother. Yes I have read the blog & my granddaughter is perfect in my eyes. I love her unconditionally/ so have no fear ofany retribution coming from me at all. This her blog and her talentto entertain us. I admire her forher heart and what she does for others.I wish nothing but the bestfor Lucinda, Hubs, baby -12 & 16
>Awww! Ok, I read this blog daily but haven’t ever posted. But Grandma was too cool! What a lucky granddaughter you are Lucinda!
>I once sent a video to my grandmother…to fulfill her request that she “see” me. Little clips of me goofing around, doing my dishes, showing her my house, etc. Well, I ACCIDENTALLY included a clip of my bachelorette party. I won’t go into the details…but I am mortified to this very day. Mortified. (And I made her send it back to me!)I FEEL your pain!!!
>My mother hates computers THANK GOD!And by the way I loved the story about the teens out after the game …way to tell that waiter dude Mom!
>when our family was in Korea two weeks ago my husband bookmarked my blog address for his PARENTS’ on their own COMPUTER!!!!!! I think that’s divorce material, isn’t it?
>My sister has my blog linked but she never writes on it. She will call me and we giggle about it. As close as my family is about this sort of thing I am sure they all have link to it. I am not ashamed of anything I do on a daily bais or write about in my blog. My family is my family and they know me very, very well. They still love me to bits! I am sure your Grandmother and mother all love you after each and every post. “They are family…they have to” or….be blogged he, he, he.
>Hilarious! Well if anyone should know “who you are” it should be your mother!
>Awwww! What an awesome Grandmom you have Lucinda! Welcome aboard Lucinda’sGrandmom!
>Yes, this is exactly why I don’t tell anyone in my family that I have a blog!! Too hard to censor everything.
>No one I know in my “real life” knows I have a blog…I would die if they read it, and it’s not THAT incriminating.But your grandmother seems pretty cool there, Lucinda.
>I am thankful my Mother has not found my blog. Even more thankful that my Nanny does not even own a computer. She would not be so understanding as your Grandmother with my liberal use of the f word.
>I think my mother is frightened of my blog…
>Hilarious post, Linds. I can relate to the fear of being “found out.” My husband is an ordained minister and even though my mother, who raised me, knows I don’t quite fit that mold, she’s still surprised by some of the things I write in the blog. I’m just keepin’ it real. Grandma rocks!
>Welcome to the coolest Grandma ever! Just the fact that she’s using the computer speaks volumes for her coolness.
>I want a grandma like that!!
>”Well, I declare,” she’ll say (and for the non-Southerners among you, that’s a lady’s way of saying, What the hell is wrong with you?)THAT is the funniest, truest line I’ve ever seen! Bless your heart! From one Southern girl to another. 😉
>I freaked out when my dad found my blog and then his girlfriend found it… and big fights broke out so the rest of the family read it. I wanted to pull everything and never write another word.I got over it, though I still get chills when one of them reads it. There’s something about baring your soul to close family members.
>Just ponder the irony of this statement:My GRANDMOTHER is reading my BLOG.I remember when my Grandmother got a microwave for the first time, given to her by one of the grandkids. I was shocked…nay, AMAZED to see her actually use it. Until I realized that what she did was just punch buttons, random buttons, mind you, until it JUST CAME ON. lol My grandmother would read my blog if she were still around and able to use a computer, and I guarantee she’d get a big kick out of it, if I was a tenth as clever as Miss Lindsey here. 🙂
>Your gram must be a hot ticket! I know my gram would love your blog!xoLBC
>Awwwww! Grandma, can you adopt me?? You’re the sweetest!
>Followed every link. Laughed all over again.You have balls, Lindsay. You really do. I mean that, of course, in a figurative, misogynistic way of course. Keep it up.
>your grandma rocks. How cool is she?You ought to let her guest blog….I bet she’s got STORIES.:)
>How sweet your grandma is! 🙂
>I bow at your grandmother’s feet.Not only does she know how to work a computer but she’s willing to look past all the naughty words. Who doesn’t want a grandmother like that?
>So far your family hasn’t complained though, so they get points. I mean, you have yet to blog about how Aunt Martha was mightily offended in deed…I made a blog, and offended my sister! I can’t blog about her now. Ever, without offending her. Because she reads it. I wish I never told her about it! Because I’m not an offensive blogger, I thought! YIKES your Grandmother. Parents. UGH. Go back in hiding ha ha.
>Grandmother of Lucinda, you rock. And Lucinda, good on you for not self-censoring, despite what I’m sure is a very strong temptation to do just that. I’m selfish! I like your thoughts as they are, cursing included!
>This has me cracking up. Seriously. I just found out that some family members were ‘reading’ me, too. It will never be spoken of, they just don’t get it, and I don’t have time to explain. Ha.
>At frist I was laughing my ass off(can I say ass now that grandma is reading?) and now I’m crying my arse (that’s better, huh?) off- You must following in your grandmothers foot steps, because she sounds AMAZING too!Grandma, enjoy-we sure do and love her;)
>You’re grandmother is awesome! If my grandmother were alive today and blogging I think I would be scared of her blog. That woman just wasn’t right.
>My mother tsk tsks me in response to my rare use of the word “bitch” or (god forbid) “penis” and says, “You’re better than that.” Ah – not necessarily.
>AH! I love your Grandma! Now I see where you get your big heart, wit and humor.Glad I came back for her comment.
>You’re living my worst nightmare. Well, one of them anyway.Maybe when it all blows over you will feel uh…set free? Unhindered? And your Grandma’s comment…so cool!:)
>My grandmother reads mine EVERY day, but she only comments via email. The subject line is ALWAYS “blog.” I *heart* her.
>I think most bloggers are a bit worried about their close family (especially the er, more ‘senior’ members) finding their blogs because of all the personal stuff that most blogs contain – but remember too, that the older generations have stories to tell as well – and if they started their own blogs and you stumbled upon them, you could well end up gobsmacked too!In other words, everyone was young once and I’m sure we all have stories to tell!!PS: your Grandma rocks, btw!