I'm Lindsay Ferrier, a Nashville writer with a passion for family travel, exploring Tennessee, and raising kids without losing my mind in the process. This is where I share my discoveries, along with occasional deep thoughts, pop culture tangents and a sprinkling of snark. Want to get in touch? Use the CONTACT form at the top of the page.
September 5, 2005
When I was preparing to become a mom, I never ever ever thought I’d be on such intimate terms with poop. I have cleaned it out from under my fingernails. I have washed it out of my shirts. I have found it in my hair. More than once. I have learned that while no two poopies are alike, they do tend to fall into a few specific categories. I offer them here as a public service to my readers.
Squirt Gun Poopie
Call it a new mom’s initiation. It’s 3 am. Your 2-week-old has woken up. Again. You’re in the middle of changing her diaper when P-P-P-FFFFSSSSTTTTT… Bullseye. You’ve been targeted by Squirt Gun Poopie, along with your bed, the bassinet and the carpet. Life’s a bitch.
Meat Lovers’ Poopie
You were so proud when Baby took his first bites of hamburger. But four hours later, you’re calling army surplus stores for gas mask estimates. Somethin’s been cookin’ in Baby’s brick oven all right! A big ole Meat Lovers’ Poopie.
Fountain Poopie
You drop your baby off in the gym nursery sans her diaper bag, since she pooped only 30 minutes before you left. Fifteen minutes into your stairmaster workout, you hear your name over the intercom. You run to find your baby calmly sitting on the nursery floor, a brown fountain of poopie spurting out the back of her diaper while three gym workers frantically clean the poop that’s already escaped and covered her pants, shirt and the floor. You don’t have an extra diaper or a change of clothes, of course. You hang your head in shame as you rush Baby out of the gym, wearing only a fleece blanket you found in the back of your car. Damn Fountain Poopie! Of course, this has never actually happened; it’s only hypothetical…
Chug Chug, Puff Puff! Here Comes the Poopie Strain!
Your baby is happily playing when, without warning, he stops short, hunches over like an old man, turns bright red and fights back tears. The first time it happened, you shouted, “Are you okay?!” and prepared to rush him to the nearest hospital. Now you just say, “Baby go poopie?” and continue reading In Touch magazine.
Big Sacka Poopie
The only thing worse than a poopie diaper is a gigantic sack full of poopie diapers. Emptying the diaper pail is ten times worse than cleaning toilets. It stinks. Literally. And so does the baby’s room from about six months onward. My Diaper Genie said he wished he didn’t have to put up with so much shit. Now he’s gone. Get it? Heh heh.
Ghost Poopie
What’s that funky smell? It’s the unmistakable, one-of-a-kind scent of your Baby’s poopie. “Time for a diaper change!” you sing. But when you open Baby’s diaper, nothing’s there. You’ve been haunted by a Ghost Poopie.
The Poopie Tattoo
Usually you consider wet wipes to be the eighth wonder of the world. But some days, they just don’t do the trick. You scrub and scrub and still can’t get that poopie mark off baby’s leg. Yep. It’s a Poopie Tattoo. If you need the name of a good laser removal specialist, let me know.
The Super Duper Pooper
What’s that? Looks like Baby’s pooping. Time to change another dia… wait. She’s not done. Okay. Now. Nope, there she goes again. I’ll just wait three minutes and then… Oh, more poopie? Oh my, Baby! You’re a Super Duper Pooper!
Poopie-Doh
It seemed like a perfectly ordinary poopie- until your baby got hold of it. Ta-dah!! It’s Poopie-Doh! Mold it into a ball! Now throw it! Spread it on the walls! Mush some on your tummy! Hooray for Poopie-Doh! Uh-oh. Why is Mommy screaming?
The Perfect Poopie
This is the poopie every mom dreams of. Neat, scentless, easily contained within its diaper, requiring only one wet wipe to erase all traces. Ahhhh… The Perfect Poopie. You needed that.
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>YOU totally ROCK at writing believable stuff. I swear, do you do this for a living?Hey! WAIT A MINUTE! What about Poopie-ettes? The miniature poopies that look just like that oh so delicious chocolate covered raisin treat? The ones that cascade out of the diaper as soon as you un-velcro it? Ya’know the ones that you could dump from the dirty diaper into a candy dish and fool atleast 3 people into tryin’ your ‘new’ treat?
>LOL at Lucinda today! My daughter will squat in such a way that her butt is only about an inch from the floor. As someone who has suffered through tons of squats in aerobic class, I’m jealous of her sheer leg strength. She can sit there for minutes on end and never falls!Also, my husband once was wrestling our son not realizing he had a blowout diaper. Yep, after that I told him every time I called him a sh@thead, I could truly mean it. HA!!!!!!!!
>We’ve got some stomach flu squirt poopies going down here. I’m trying to get my mind off it.This was funny!
>Oh, oh, oh, pick me! I got one: Revolving Door Poopies, reserved for the very special hell of parents of twins and two-kids-under-three families.I loved this!
>oh yeah, parents of twins know that very well… LOL! great post Lucinda!
>I don’t think anyone else has ever explained that all so in depth! 🙂 It was a great read! I’m just glad I hadn’t just eaten…
>We have the joy of our 8 month old granson and his parents staying with us while they are in the midst of relocating. It is amazing how much conversation we have about baby poop!. Here via Michele.
>LOL @ Ghost Poopies! When my son was a baby and I sniffed the Ghost Poopie, it usually meant there was a trace of poop hidden on one of us, prompting a little game of “Find the Poop!” and a shower with the baby. Wow, your post brought back lots of memories…
>Poopiettes.Aerobic squat poopie.Revolving Door poopie.Looks like I need to start another list. Oh and I LOVE the new term “poonami”, from Ieatcrayonz! I’ve seen at least two blogs on poop today. Must be in the air…
>OH MY GAWD! I am in tears from laughing so hard! As a mom of twins, I so relate to the revolving door poopie too!LOVE your blog!
>You should write a baby book. I’m serious! New mom’s need a laugh:)
>I can’t believe I totally missed this! Can’t give me credit on poonami. I took it from kgrams, who I think stole it from Mama Duck. I think.I’ll never forget Lauren’s first squirt gun poopie. It took forever to clean up because we were laughing our arses off…and a tad bid afraid of round 2, I might add.
>thanks for a good laugh to break up the work day!
>i am never having kids.thanks!(ha)
>GREAT list and I’m a little out of practice (since my youngest is 11 and even the one I babysit is turning 4, this week), but may I respectfully add what Hubby and I called “fart juice?” (Yeah, okay, like there’s a respectful way to say “fart,” but anyway.)That’s the two-dimensional mark a fart leaves in the diaper. You then have to change baby (thereby “wasting” a diaper since, really, it’s not stinky or wet, just colored…) or risk feeling like the worst Mom on the entire planet. I mean you can’t let the kid wander around with FART JUICE in his pants, can you? (Maybe if we hadn’t named it, it would’ve been easier to ignore.)
>Fart juice. Gross. And yet, I totally know what you’re talking about. See, there’s this poopie sisterhood that no one talks about… Okay, okay, I need to shut up and go to bed now.
[…] Baby was the author of her own smelly scandal at the gym… Suffice it to say that as long as she’s in diapers, I live in fear of another public […]