Tug of War

Posted by: Lindsay Ferrier    Tags:  , ,     Posted date:  November 21, 2011  |  11 Comments



On Thursday morning, I held my 4-year-old son as he cried.

“You’re going away?” he kept asking. “Am I going to be left all alone?”

Welcome to my new reality as a working mom who travels, where personal fulfillment comes at a gut-wrenching cost.

“Can’t I come with you?” Bruiser begged after I assured him that at no point would he ever be ‘left all alone.’ “I be very quiet!”

Knife?

Meet heart.

I soothed my son with promises of a toy from Iowa and play time at Miss Laura’s house and fun adventures with Daddy over the weekend.

But my heart, you guys. MY HEART.

And now comes the never-quite-right balancing act that some of you already know all too well, where I attempt to do a job that I love, that I felt morally compelled to take, that is for the GREATER GOOD with …. my kids’ big, sad eyes and tears when I leave.

And yet I have to admit- Bruiser’s tears came as total surprise. I had thought my childcare plans for when I’m away were very nearly foolproof.

For one thing, I’m lucky to have a husband who loves taking care of the kids when I’m away, and they love all the treats and attention that accompany a weekend with just Daddy. I also have a network of trusted friends and teachers in place who are more than happy to take both my children home after school and stay with them until my husband gets home from work. In theory, it’s perfect! The kids are supposed to hardly even notice I’m gone!

So why, then, was my son clinging to my neck and crying?

And why was I, in my heart of hearts, not surprised?

It simply seemed like the karmic cost I have to pay as a mom for landing the perfect job— I can’t feel that old pull of wanting to do what I was trained to do, what I’m good at, without feeling a giant tug in the opposite direction, from the ones I was born to bring into this world.

How do I stay true to my children and to myself?

I have a feeling I’m going to be asking myself this question over and over again for years to come.




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  • Melissa

    I think every mom who has ever had goals and ambitions asks herself that. But the basic truth I always come back to is this: Stay-at-home or working, or anything in between, at the end of the day we’re all just moms doing the best we can, and we love our kids. 

    You’ll figure it out. :-) And I bet the first time your kiddos see what you’re doing, they’re going to be so excited! 

  • http://www.callherhappy.com Jenna@CallHerHappy

    I agree with Melissa. You obviously love your kids, and more importantly, they know it. Sometimes doing something for yourself is necessary to make you an even better mom.

    Jenna
    callherhappy.com

  • http://acvollers.blogspot.com/ AC

    I love Jenna & Melissa’s comments. I’m a working mom doing a job I love, but it’s an 8-5 job that means I’m not home with my son during the day. It’s so hard to find balance without regret.

    I read a blog post a few months ago where the mom said, basically, that there is no right answer to the work/life balance. There’s no perfect scenario out there that you just haven’t found yet. It doesn’t exist, so don’t beat yourself up for not figuring out what it is. And also: “balance” is something that continually changes. That helped me put things in perspective that our situation is as perfect as it’s going to get right now, that it will probably change at some point, and I’m trying to be happy with that :)

  • Mary A.

    As a mom who had my kids in daycare since they were littles, imagine my surprise when after nearly 4 years in the same daycare, with the same teacher, my son started to cry when I left him.  Then his brother did it when he turned 4.  Now the baby is almost 4 and.  .I’m waiting for it. 

    I think it’s a 4 year old thing.

    Still hurts tho.

  • Cooperone

    The tears started flowing at “I be very quiet!”  You know you’re a good Mom, and remember – kids of stay at home Moms and Dads will cry when the parents go out for a date night.

  • Cathy B.

    You must be doing something right if he wants to be with you so badly! It might hurt (but isn’t it sweet?).  I am a stay at home mom and my kids still act that way if I make a pedicure appointment! Give him a chance to miss you.  Big picture: you are a better mom when you take care of you.  Good luck with your new job-what a great opportunity for all of you.

  • HeyBooBoo Com

    I agree with Melissa. You obviously love your kids. Sometimes doing something for yourself is necessary to make you an even better mom.  It maybe just that it’s a 4 year old thing.  Nothing more.http://www.HeyBooBoo.com

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=833203057 Nancy Syzdek

    I’m a single mom with two kids (same ages as yours) and I travel quite a bit for work. I’ve had my share of teary goodbyes in spite of all my planning and coordination, sometimes things go awry. 

    In the end, the kids have grown accustomed to it now and are fine five minutes after I leave. It’s an adventure for them and they know they are blessed to be loved so much by so many. 

    Your kids know they are loved and they will be fine. 

  • http://MotherRuckus.com Mother Ruckus

    Oh, my!  I can’t imagine.  I feel bad when I leave my kids for a couple of hours and they’re crying at the door!  You’ll find the right balance and your kiddos will soon learn the new schedule.  

  • http://twitter.com/Adventure_Mum Sarah Lawton

    Empathy…
    I’ve been learning to leave my kids behind for various reasons for well over a decade now. It gets easier!
    On the plus side, by getting to understand and learn to control that awful guilt you feel as a mother leaving her children (sadly, it never actually goes away) by the time they’re teenagers like mine you’ll be able to leave them behind when you travel and actually enjoy yourself too.
    I’ve just started a blog about my experiences, and attempts to balance family life and a desire to travel: http://www.adventure-mum.com
    Great to find you!

  • Pingback: Because Little Things Mean A Lot ‹ Suburban Turmoil

  • Linsday Ferrier

    Hi! I'm Lindsay Ferrier. I'm a wife, a stepmom to two college girls and a mom to 4 and 7yo's. I'm deeply flawed, often insecure, at times defensive, snarky on Tuesdays, and I put my foot in my mouth on a regular basis. Let's be friends!


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