I'm Lindsay Ferrier, a Nashville writer with a passion for family travel, exploring Tennessee, and raising kids without losing my mind in the process. This is where I share my discoveries, along with occasional deep thoughts, pop culture tangents and a sprinkling of snark. Want to get in touch? Use the CONTACT form at the top of the page.
November 19, 2015
Making holiday crafts with my children used to be at least somewhat relaxing and fun… and then Pinterest came along.
Now, crafting has gone into overdrive, as mommies attempt to create Pin-worthy projects out of old blue jeans and toilet paper rolls, praying their crafterpieces will be shared and re-shared across the Internets.
Some succeed magnificently.
Others? Well, for various reasons, things don’t go quite according to plan.
I present to you the following Pinterest craft projects as a public service, hoping we can all learn from the mistakes of those who have bravely gone before us:
“What the hell did you put in these rolls, Lisa?” Grandpa roared, pulling a half-chewed piece of paper from his mouth.
Although Marge knew exactly how five of her Thanksgiving dinner guests ended up with E. coli, she kept that information to herself.
‘Grateful’ wasn’t the best word for how the Iversons felt about their mom after they realized that their favorite pairs of jeans were missing.
Even the fanciest Thanksgiving Kiddie Table couldn’t make up for the fact that Aunt Cecily put the kids’ table in her carport. “Now they can make as much noise as they want,” she told the kids’ grim-faced parents.
“What the devil…” Bob muttered when he saw his wife’s turkey place settings. “EDNA, THESE HAD BETTER NOT BE MY GOLF BALLS!” Very quietly, Edna locked herself inside her crafting room.
Worried that the turkey, oyster dressing, harvest salad, gravy, sweet potato casserole, creamed corn, cranberry sauce, roasted brussels sprouts, macaroni and cheese, yeast rolls, green bean casserole, fruit salad, mashed potatoes, ham, pumpkin pie, pecan pie, red velvet cake, and homemade ice cream wouldn’t be enough, Brandy had her children make Thanksgiving Treat Bags full of candy for their guests to take home with them.
What seemed at the time like a cute preschool craft idea with little Hewlitt and Packard ended up haunting their mother’s nightmares for the next 50 years.
Saskia had thought the paper bag turkey would add a comic note to her Paleo-Raw-Vegan-Gluten-Free Thanksgiving Dinner.
Strangely, no one laughed.
“It’s the funniest thing,” Amelia told her guests when they arrived. “I got so busy with this fruit turkey, I completely forgot to put the real turkey in the oven!”
Dinner on that memorable Thanksgiving was at 2 a.m.
“You know I’d love to help you with the clean-up,” Cousin Allison said after all 26 family members had finished eating. “But these nails cost a fortune, and I’m not taking any chances.”
Lorelei admitted to the other moms that she stayed up all night making Oreo Cookie Turkeys for her son’s kindergarten class.
This explains why she wept so loudly when they ate them.
“I may have overdone it with Harper’s Thanksgiving bow,” Mary Margaret said sheepishly. “I just feel so blessed to have a gorgeous baby, I don’t know what to do with myself.”
“It’s the mascara I have a problem with,” her mother-in-law said quietly.
“A turkey with jazz hands,” Daria mused when she saw the popcorn bowl her cousins had made for the Thanksgiving centerpiece.
“Now that is something I’ve never seen before.”
Kiki couldn’t believe how unimpressed her new husband’s adult children were with her book page Thanksgiving place settings.
“I mean, what was I supposed to do with your dad’s first edition collection after we moved him into the nursing home?” she asked indignantly.
It was agreed by most of the city that the Topeka Junior League’s ‘Thanksgiving Tornado’ theme was in very poor taste.
“How did I know Aunt Edna would faint?” Cyndy asked crossly as the ambulance pulled out of the driveay.
“Bringing the baby out on a turkey platter was supposed to be funny.”
When her husband couldn’t get the heat to come on during the Sanderson’s Thanksgiving feast, Mamie feigned ignorance.
“Well, these pilgrim napkin ring holders certainly are interesting, Janet,” Grandma Nell said when everyone was seated at the table. “Who are these children, anyway?”
“Beats me,” Janet replied. “I just printed out the ones from the craft instructions.”
It was difficult coming up with enough empty wine bottles to wrap in twine for the Thanksgiving centerpiece. Fortunately, Eliza was up to the challenge. hiccup
Although no one ever said anything directly to Grandpa about his affair with the trail mix lady at the farmer’s market, the ‘special’ mini cornucopia he was served at his family’s Thanksgiving dinner spoke volumes.
“Is that a…a…. toilet paper roll dressed as a pilgrim?” June snorted at Edith’s Thanksgiving Luncheon for the D.A.R.
Edith stared at June in mute horror. How had she figured it out?
“‘Horrifying’ wasn’t the reaction I was looking for when I asked what you thought of my Thanksgiving Apple Indians, Howard,” Annette said sourly.
“Every stinking Thanksgiving, Stella comes up with some crazy way to steal my thunder,” Myra muttered.
“I wonder what she’s got in store for me this time.”
Happy crafting, everyone!
Header image via Cake Wrecks.