>Accidents Happen
>A couple of weeks ago when I was out of town, Hubs left the window open in our second-story playroom. Where Bruiser was playing.
Of course, he realized the window was open after a while and closed it, but the incident shook him up. Our son loves to hang out the window off our kitchen, where there’s a only a one-foot drop to the deck; I’m always pulling him by the seat of his pants back inside. It wouldn’t have taken much for Bruiser to loosen the screen on the playroom window and hang out of it, too- and fall 20 feet to the ground.
We all have moments like this one, moments in which we make a tiny mistake that could potentially harm or even kill our child. Most of the time, it all turns out okay. And when we mention it afterward to our friends or spouses, they pat us reassuringly and say the very same kind of thing has happened to them more than once.
But what happens to all the friendly support when the child is not okay? Why do we point fingers, when if we’re honest, the very same thing could have happened on our watch? I wrote about this phenomenon, and my own mistake that put my son’s life at risk (and you have no idea, even now, how hard it was to write that just now) in this week’s newspaper edition of Suburban Turmoil.
The full text of the column is below…
Accidents Happen
It’s one of those instant replays of life that has burned itself into the cortex of my brain and will likely remain there until the day I die.
In this particular clip, I glance into the bathroom mirror and spot my year-old son leaning against the rim of the tub behind me. His head is thrown back and he holds an upended bottle of rubbing alcohol to his lips.
Time slows to an agonizing frame-by-frame as I turn and lunge toward my baby boy, knocking the bottle away from his mouth at the exact moment the liquid glugs out of it. Rubbing alcohol splashes onto his face and spills down the front of his shirt.
He screams in confusion and rage as I grab him and cradle his stout body in one arm like an oversized football. Holding him face down so that nothing disappears down his throat, I take a towel, wet it down and desperately swab his mouth and teeth and tongue and face and eyes and hands.
After a few minutes of observation, it’s clear my son is all right. Me? Not so much. I’m shaking, sobbing, mentally punching myself over and over for leaving an open bottle of rubbing alcohol on the side of the tub. I had left it there the day before, after finding a tick on my daughter’s shoulder.
Later, I write about the incident on my blog.
I qualify that my son’s nonexistent sleep habits have left me exhausted and numb. That finding the tick the day before had freaked me out. That my bathroom is ordinarily off-limits to the kids. And that ultimately, there is no excuse good enough for what happened. I am a horrible mother.
Of course, my kindhearted readers assure me that that’s not the case. Accidents happen, they say, and proceed to share their own horror stories as proof. Many of the moms tell tales of children who’ve drunk floor polish or gotten their hands on grandma’s medication. Two readers admit they forgot to buckle their car seat into the car, and didn’t realize it until it flipped over in the backseat with the child strapped inside.
Some of the stories are far more harrowing. One mom, while traveling with her child, got out of her car without putting it into park and had to run to get back inside it as it started to roll out into a busy street. Another spilled hot coffee on her toddler, who consequently had to spend three days in a burn unit. Still another woke up to find her pillow covering the face of her sleeping infant beside her.
In every case, the children survived and the story will one day become part of the family lore, something that’s discussed and even laughed about later. One grandmother we know loves to tell about the time 30 years ago, when she ran over her young son in the driveway — twice. She rolled over the kid, then, after realizing what had happened, panicked, reversed and ran over him again.
“I still remember, Mickey was wearing his Superman costume,” she always concludes, “and he stood up in the driveway and said, ‘You killed me, Mommy!’” That punch line always results in raucous laughter from her audience. Mickey is 34 now, and absolutely fine.
Yes, so long as no one gets hurt, we are oh so forgiving of other parents’ inevitable childrearing errors and miscalculations. We’re all human we reassure each other. We’re all going to make mistakes.
But the moment tragedy strikes, as it did recently when Mike Tyson’s 4-year-old daughter died after accidentally strangling herself on the cord of a treadmill, the judgment begins. It’s veiled, it’s filled with words like “tragic” and “unfortunate,” but it’s there. It’s always there.
Bloggers write posts saying the death of Tyson’s daughter could have been prevented. Mothers talk among themselves, swearing their children never get near the Bowflex in their bonus room. And cable news networks call in experts to tell us all how dangerous exercise equipment can be around children.
Well, duh. Tell us something we don’t know.
Of course exercise equipment can be dangerous. Along with glass-topped tables, bathtubs, the cords on window shades, outlets, rusty nails, pets, magnetic toys, improperly installed car seats, undercooked chicken, swimming pools and kitchen appliances.
There are dozens of ways my children could seriously hurt themselves in my own home. A simple, thoughtless mistake on my part could change everything. I could inadvertently leave a second story window open. Or forget to close the gate at the top of our steep wooden staircase. Or leave a bottle of rubbing alcohol open beside the tub.
These are the kinds of things that keep me up at night, if I let them. I have to will myself to remember that I’m doing the best job I can, and trust in the belief that my children will survive childhood relatively unscathed.
Some parents won’t be so lucky. A moment of forgetfulness or decreased vigilance will change their lives forever. And when that happens, I don’t want to be the one who points a finger. It will be an accident, a mistake any of us could have made.
And, as so many moms have told me, accidents happen.
>I didn't think that it was there with Mike Tyson's daughter's tragic death, but it's definitely there when people feel like the parents were reckless.I think it's ok to be judgmental when people are reckless. I don't mean to their face, of course. But behind their back, definitely. Because that's one of the joys of parenting.
>um… the doc told me their might be some potential issues with brain processing while recovering from meningitis so i'll blame that if the comment button over at your newspaper article is as plain as day…mmmm-kay? i couldn't find it so i'll comment here.good lord with 5 kids there are bound to be accidents and yes i do beat myself up about them all the time even when the outcome ends up being okay. i beat myself up about my daughter coming down with bacterial meningitis 2 weeks ago and sharing it with me. docs commended me for calling 911 telling me it saved her life but i know if we were at home i would likely have driven her myself to the hospital because that is how i am. scares me to think of how the oputcome would have been because yes, she came thisclose to dying over memorial day weekend. and then there was this dayhttp://adventuresinjuggling.wordpress.com/2005/02/23/2-23-2001/it was an accident of the worst kind imaginable. most were kind and supportive but one person, a family member, actually did put blame on me. "why wasnt i watching her?", was what this family member said to me. god that accusing question cut into me so deep. to this day i still have a bit of resentment that i carry against that family member.
>When I hear stories like that my first thought is always "There but for the grace of god, go I" because I learned early on how easy it is screw up when your a parent.That baby bouncer of the desk..the one she's not big enough to actually bounce in… she learned to bounce in a nano-second and I found myself grateful I still had some old 3rd baseman skills left as I made a diving catch for her.Since that day – I make no judgments.
>When my daughter, Harper, was about three weeks old my mom and I met a freind for a late breakfast. I left Harper in her carseat and carried it into the restraunt. At one point she bacame a little fussy, I pulled her out and fed her, wrapped her back up and set her her seat. I did not strap her back in. After breakfast we went for a short walk and then my mother and I drove ten minutes or so to our local Target. When we got there, as I was removing Harper from the back seat I realized what I had done. She hadn't been strapped in since I removed her at breakfast. I was horrified and vowed that it would never happen again. Nonetheless, I felt like a failure and couldn't believe I was so irresponsible.
>Great post, great article. So true.Visit this blog to see the support and love you give when the unthinkable does happen:http://prayersforaidan.blogspot.com/
>That happened to me too, and I noticed when my daughter said, "Mommy, Bruiser's upside down!" I looked back and he had fallen forward out of his seat. That's part of the danger of taking them everywhere in their carseat, I guess.
>I think you bring up an excellent point and and at a critical time of the year. Experts at the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia (CHOP) have developed the website http://www.aftertheinjury.org to help parents when faced with the same question that you pose: What do you do when a child is not okay? Aftertheinjury.org contains everything from pain and injury care to tip sheets and self care information for parents.It is a critical time of year because Doctors call the summer "trauma season." Unfortunately, nearly 2.5 million kids end up in the emergency room every summer. I work with CHOP and I think every parent should know that this resource is available to them should they or someone else they know be in need of it.
>Last Sunday my husband and I were raising money for our AIDS walk team. He and I were manning the table and I had Elanor dressed up in a "support me" onesie I had lovingly made for her the night before. I sat her on the table to lure people in with her cuteness. My husband began to make her a bottle.Then the wind kicked up and I grabbed for the paper. I can only guess that Elanor did too. Because a second later Ravi and I both looked up and saw her dissappearing over the edge of the table…onto the concrete of the parking lot.I felt like shit. Especially when you consider that my daughter got an infection that turned into septicemia at a week of age. As a result she had a stroke. She has recovered beautifully from it, but the Pedi Stroke Team had advised us to be VERY careful of Elanor's head as she is not only at higher risk for a repeat stroke because she's had one, but because she also has a mild bleeding disorder that increases the likelihood. She'll need a helmet when she's learning to walk.So we had to call the pedi neurologist on call, leave the booth, and take our baby to the hospital to get a CT scan because of a moment of carelessness.She was fine. Not even a scratch or a bruise anywhere on her body. I, however, have lost several years off of my life and am struggling to not berate myself constantly for that moment of stupidity.
>I worry about these things just babysitting (as I don't have children on my own yet)My niece pulled on an iron cord and badly burned the top of her left foot under my care. I also had a nephew jam a q-tip in his ear so deep that he bled because I had forgotten that my sister told me not to let him clean his own ears. And then there was the time that I babysat for a friend. Her little girl and I use to always sing into hair tools. As I was getting ready I left the curling iron within her reach and she grabbed it to sing me a song and burned the crap out of her hand.My heart still sinks when I think of those moments and it's thoughts like those that make me fear failing as a parent.http://www.theamorouslife.blogspot.comhttp://www.army-of-words.blogspot.com (if you only have time for one, this one has a post I think you'll find interesting)
>My son fell off our bed last week. Purely out of my idiot notion that he'd stay asleep while I took my other son to go pee.I was terrified when I ran in to find him screaming on the floor next to the bed.Accidents can happen to anyone.
>Mothering definitely is a 24/7 job. I think of the Singer/songwriter Steven Curtis Chapman story where his teenage son accidentally backed over his little sister-completely an accident and completely tragic. That family has been an amazing example of how a family survives the unthinkable, together. I think I can be a very compassionate person, but I admittedly am just as judgmental (and I like being that way sometimes-gasp…!) Truly I think we could all stand to work on our empathetic side a bit especially where our fellow moms are concerned. We should call it “Mompathy.”
>I cried all day when I read the Steven Curtis Chapman story in the paper. They seem like a great family and that story really hit close to home.
>Lindsay, with regards to what happened to your son, my mom did that to me when I was a kid. When I was born, carseats really weren't required, just recommended, and my parents couldn't afford one, but my grandmother was an RN so she mailed my parents this big hulk of a package.My mom forgot to strap me in once and I flipped over. I was three weeks old and rolling around in the car until my mom realized and pulled over completely panicked.I turned out fine in the long run =) But even if I hadn't? Well…these things can still happen to anyone!
>It seems most people get the most judgmental on things that could easily happen in their own home (like the treadmill cord) or things that they actually are guilty of doing themselves. I think part of the judgment comes from us wanting to burn it into our brains so the potential catches our eye and we think back on those incidents we so harshly judged and make sure it doesn't happen to our children. Accidents happen and when a child is seriously injured or killed it is always unfortunate and tragic, and I am not passing any judgment by saying that.
>I found your blog through Postpartum Progress. I have been hooked ever since. I read you every night after my Becky goes to bed. My little girl is 10 1/2 months old and is trying to walk. Good Lord has she been close to some bad accidents. I always worry about what is ahead. How could I ever keep her safe at least until she's 18!!
>Accidents do happen. I am a teacher now, and started babysitting when I was 12. Now, I can't believe those parents asked me to babysit. What if there was an accident? The idea a 12 year old could make a responsible choice when something is REALLY going wrong is ridiculous. It is hard enough for responsible parents.
>I'm not a parent, but I was an accident-prone child once. Unless you want to lock your kids in fall-proof, tamper-proof, any-accident-anytime-proof bubble, you can't protect them from life.Granted, some parents are inattentive and reckless (I see those as well); you aren't one of 'em.
>When my firstborn was 10 months old and pulling up on everything, she pulled a small, decorative little bench over on her tiny little hand. It smashed the end of her ring finger, it took almost 20 stitches to close and cracked the bone in her fingertip. I was seated less than 2 feet away from her and 6 months pregnant at the time. I felt like a complete failure as a mother as I stood outside the x-ray room because I couldn't take care of her and I was going to have #2!Accidents happen.
>It can be scary. I remember when when I first had my daughter I went from my moms house back to mine (10 min drive on the beltway) and realized that while I had snapped my baby's carseat to the base she herself wasn't buckled and because she had a blanket over her I didn't notice. Scared the living shit out of me.
>I know the feeling. When my little guy was one he got into his diaper bag on the way home from vacation one year and unzipped my makeup bag and drank the childrens Tyelnol! (4 hours in the ER later we find out that it was not enough to hurt him) I got a lot of judgement for that one! All because he got into a diaperbag that shouldn't have been able to unzip, and opened the childproof that he was not supposed to be able to open! None of that mattered. I should have been watching him closer while I was driving the 3 hour trip home, and those eyes in the back of my head needed glasses I guess cause they failed me on that day. So I know all to well what it feels like to be judged for things that are not your fault. Especially by another Mother who should understand.
>My heart goes out to everyone who has had a tragic accident or a scare. I remember when that mom left her baby in the car seat and went to work all day, my husband and I had a talk about how that can happen (he didn't see how) and I really felt like I understood how it could. If things are out of order or your routine changes, accidents can happen just like your husband opening the window. One day my son was playing in my car. He looooves cars and likes to "pretend" to drive and he does this even today at 3 1/2. When he was 18 months he was doing it and I was talking to some neighbors. I was next to him but not NEXT to him and out of the corner of my eye I see him going head first to the concrete and I catch him at the last second. I swear the top of his head was brushing the pavement! It scared me so bad. I could have given him brain damage!! Accidents CAN happen to anyone because I swear I'm probably over-protective most of the time. :p
>I can so relate – we have a second story window that's totally a hazard for our 19 month old (and 6 year old, but she knows better than to fiddle with the catches.) Ack, ack, I don't even want to think about what could happen!! We keep the door to that room closed at all times….
>Two weeks ago I was at Target with my seventeen month old strapped in the basket. I pulled the basket along side my truck and popped the door open; I wanted to start the air before putting her in and unloading since it was so hot… I only turned around long enough to open the door and place my purse on the passenger seat… I still had one hand on the cart… I turned and she was standing up…. Another second she could have tumbled to the ground… The strap was still fastened and I have no idea how she got out of it so quick… I was about to call child services on myself; clearly I'm a terrible mother… Visions of what could have happened float through my mind randomly… Thank you for this post!
>Two weeks ago I was at Target with my seventeen month old strapped in the basket. I pulled the basket along side my truck and popped the door open; I wanted to start the air before putting her in and unloading since it was so hot… I only turned around long enough to open the door and place my purse on the passenger seat… I still had one hand on the cart… I turned and she was standing up…. Another second she could have tumbled to the ground… The strap was still fastened and I have no idea how she got out of it so quick… I was about to call child services on myself; clearly I'm a terrible mother… Visions of what could have happened float through my mind randomly… Thank you for this post!