It’s safe to say I love you as much as I could possibly love. You have made my life complete and I’d do almost anything for you. I’d give you the shirt off my back, kids. The last dollar in my wallet. The baby in my king cake. Hell, I’d give you a kidney if you really needed it. But we need to get something straight right here and now… There are a few things you will never get from me, dearests.
Even a mother’s love has limits.
I will never turn your sandwich into a squirrel. And I sure as hell will never make acorns for you out of carrots and grapes. Some things were just not meant to go together.
I will never disguise your ham sandwiches as sheep, or your carrots as flowers. Because no matter how you dress it up, it’s still ham and carrots. I believe you kids are smart enough to figure that out and whine accordingly.
I know it’s cute, kids, and I might attempt it… if it weren’t for this one little thing that keeps getting in the way.
It’s called A LIFE.
That means I won’t be making any Mozart for your lunch. The mere thought of eating whatever was used to make this guy’s hair makes my stomach hurt.
Ditto on the edible video game remote. Sorry, Bruiser. Trust me when I say you’d thank me if you could see the kid’s face after he actually bit into this thing.
Want someone to turn your spaghetti and meatballs into wee little birds in a noodle nest?
Try one of those Babble bloggers. I heard they do it for pageviews.
I will never dress up your pear as a peacock.
And I won’t be making you any Peanut Butter, Banana and Spinach Smoothies either– not because I don’t love you– just because I really hate cleaning up vomit.
Please don’t expect Goofy to turn up in your lunch any time soon…
Why, you ask? I’ll tell you why.
Ain’t nobody got time for that.
I’m happy to give you an apple. If you’re lucky, I’ll even cut it up. But not like this. NEVER like this.
The same goes for banana dolphins swimming in a sea of grapes.
Not gonna do it, kids.
Nah. Gah. Dah.
And you can fuhgeddabout this elaborate camper’s lunch. I pay for day camp to have a few hours to myself– not to spend a few hours putting together a lunch you’ll knock down in under ten minutes. BELIEVE THAT.
I will never turn your meal into a disturbadorable rice kitty.
And I will never, EVER make your hotdog look like a palm tree.
Or a lifeboat.
Or an honest-to-God Hot. Dog. No, no and no. Mommy don’t play that.
Spongebob might make an appearance in your lunchboxes from time to time… But don’t get your hopes up, children. He won’t look like this.
Finally, I will nev… Well, I actually might make this one. It’s kind of awesome.
I love you forever,
Header image via Wendy Copley/ Wendolonia