>Bad Policy
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At first, I thought it was an isolated incident.
But more and more of you have been mentioning to me in comments and e-mails that your child’s school does it, too.
And I’m realizing now that it’s a trend. A ridiculous, awful, misguided trend.
I’ll call it the Birthday Party Policy.
The Birthday Party Policy mandates that parents must either invite their child’s entire class to his or her birthday party or invite no one at all.
And that’s all kinds of wrong.
I mean, on the surface, it might seem like a good idea. Little Johnny won’t come home crying after finding out everyone was invited to Bobby’s Ben 10 party except him. Little Madison won’t rip all the heads off her Barbies when she doesn’t get an invitation to Little Kayyleie’s My Little Pony Party.
As a result, there will likely be fewer parents fighting in the streets. And that’s always a good thing. I get so tired sometimes of all the parents fighting in the streets.
However.
Do we really want Little Johnny and Little Kayyleie to grow up thinking that they will always be invited to every party out there? Won’t that be sort of weird when they’re like, adults, and they have yet to grasp the concept that not every invitation list has their names on it?
I’m all for protecting my daughter from the evils of Hannah Montana. (Yes, that was me at Publix the other night, asking her, “Do you really want the Hannah Montana vitamins? Punky. Hannah Montana is a loser. Everyone knows that.” Thank God, she nodded thoughtfully and chose the Scooby Doo vitamins instead. Thank. God.) I’ll protect her from slutty Halloween costumes and R-rated movies and relatives who are assholes and Kidz Bop.
But there are some evils she must face, like mean teachers, and boys who don’t like her back, and kids who don’t invite her to their birthday parties.
I will hate it when she’s not invited to a party and all of her friends are. I will want to fix it. I might even cry about it myself when she can’t see me. But I’ll have to suck up my own personal feelings and let her muck through on her own. Because my job isn’t to shield her from every single bad thing that could possibly happen to her. Sometimes, my job is to teach her by example how to handle bad things when they happen. The last thing I want to do is send her off in the world unable to handle and heal from misfortune and mean people.
Apparently, though, some schools feel differently. And I see the Birthday Party Policy as just another indicator of how overprotective we are becoming of our kids and their poor widdle feelings.
And while it may not seem like that big of a deal when the kids in question are five or seven or nine, let me tell you right now that these same parents who endorse the Birthday Party Policiy continue to coddle their children right on into junior high and high school. And now that I am seeing 18-year-olds who can’t do anything by themselves and whose parents still call every teacher and administrator and city councilperson within a 15-mile radius when their darling Mary Elizabeth’s feelings are hurt, I’m realizing what a huge and horrible mistake things like the Birthday Party Policy are.
Plus, the Birthday Party Policy would rule out the birthday party option my family generally prefers, of inviting two or three friends for an overnight trip or a concert or dinner at a fancy restaurant. What mother wants to have to tell her child that he can’t have a birthday party because she can’t afford to buy 25 treat bags and an enormous birthday cake? And for that matter, what parent wants to buy birthday presents for 25 other children each and every school year?
It’s absurd.
Please, someone explain to me why the Birthday Party Policy could possibly be a good idea. Have you heard of this trend? Is your child’s school doing it? And if so, how is it working out?
Because… Yuck.
>Better yet – teach your children how to circumvent bad policy. They should learn how to collect an address or e-mail address to send personal invitations to their friends who also happen to be classmates.
>I can see there being a policy about not passing out invitations to private birthday parties at school (along the same lines as not handing out Valentines during school parties unless you have one for everyone), but I’m pretty sure schools don’t have the authority to make rules which extend into families’ private lives. If I were parents, I would be challenging the legality of the misguided policy which will only turn children into bigger whimps than most of them already will be thanks to overprotective parenting.
>Thank goodness we don’t have to deal with that one. General rule of thumb for me, if Puddin’ is close enough with someone to invite to a birthday party – then I have the parents email or cellphone.
>Yes, our schools do that too..but the teaher prefaces the rule by saying “if you want to pass out invitations in class/at school”…as the parent, you can do what you want for your child’s party. Like you said, you’re the one paying for it!
>I think that if invitations are going to be handed out at school or during class that everyone should be invited, but that the school should mind its own business if you call privately, or e-mail, or snail mail an invitation. I am going to have a real problem with school, I can tell already. So far, preschool is ok, but that’s because I chose it. Homework pisses me off – how dare the school interfere with my family’s private time? They have 8 hours a day to teach my kid, and if that’s insufficient they should quit wasting time and figure out a way to be more efficient with their 8 hours a day. Policies like this birthday thing will piss me off, because how dare the school try to tell ME what kind of party I can have in my own home after school hours? It’s bullshit, it’s ridiculous, and it’s going to cause big problems for me (and for my kids) in a couple years. I can already get myself worked up over it, and they aren’t even school aged yet. So far the only idiotic policy we have to deal with is the nut free thing. I have to wonder if the kids who are allergic to nuts never go anywhere that there could possibly be nuts – including the supermarket, every restaurant on earth, every ice cream shop, every mall (cookie stores, popcorn stores, Hickory Farms, etc.), every airplane, everyplace other than home, school, and their car because of their “life threatening” allergies, or if this is just yet another example of the schools overreacting and throwing out the baby with the bathwater (or the peanuts with the peanut butter I guess).Sheesh.Amy @ prettybabies
>The policy at our school has always been no passing out of invitations during class. After/before school is no problem. I am sure that is to prevent hurt feelings if someone is not invited. I see the school’s point. The last thing the teacher needs to deal while trying to educate our children is having to explain to Dick or Jane why they aren’t invited to their Billy’s party. I personally think it is a good policy.
>(passing Amy a valiumOur school policy is that invitations are not to be handed out in class unless everyone gets one. We mail ours because it’s nicer and more personal but I could live with an e-invite too.I like the system whereby the number of kids invited = age of kid. We just went to a party where there were supposed to be 10 of this child’s “closest friends”… people called up and wanted to know when the party was (because my friend is an awesome party planner) and pretty much invited themselves – 22 KIDS! It was supposed to be a fun event with crafts, etc. with a limited number of invitees – but turned into a free for all that was diluted by the sheer volume of kids (which is my friend’s fault because she is too nice and I would have told them all to FO). And boys – and older kids, which was weird. Frankly I am finding that these things are overrated.And Hannah Montana is a slut – totally. My kid wouldn’t know HM if HM bit her in the butt. And I’m keeping it that way as long as possible.
>I think plenty of schools make whatever policies they want, because what parent is going to ostracize herself by challenging the legality of a policy?I’ve heard there’s a (non-religious) school here in town that makes parent subscribe to its dietary restrictions.I went to a school for a while that prohibited students from going to R-rated movies or rock concerts. My high school’s parents got together and on their own sent out a contract every year in which parents had to pledge not to host parties with alcohol and not to knowingly allow their child to drink alcohol. Every parent had to sign, because a few weeks after the contracts were returned, a list of all the parents who had signed it was sent out, so if you wanted your child to have friends, you signed the list!
>My sons preschool does not do this but I’m learning that the kindergarten class he’ll go into does. My boys are loud ‘leader’ type kids. Are they bossy? Maybe. Does everyone like them? No way. Are their LOTS of bossy 4 year olds in our lives? yes. Will I invite them all to my kids birthday party. hell no. Who wants to invite the kids that DON’T like your kids. What’s the point in that? I think the whole thing is stupid and makes the whole cost, preparations of birthdays painful. Whatever happened to birthdays at home with pin the tail on the donkey and cake and ice cream.
>We all want to protect our kids. But bad things happen and if we don’t let them deal with the little bad things, how are they supposed to take on the unavoidable. When I was in high school I worked in a nursing home. One of the girls in my class had a grandfather there. When he was in the hospital, I asked her how he was. She had no clue he was in the hospital. She just giggled and said, “my mom doesn’t like me to worry about that kind of junk.”I have a grown child that can handle all that “junk”. But they have to know early on that life isn’t fair.
>I couldn’t agree with you more!
>in our school you can not pass out invites at school unless you are inviting the entire class. however, if you have their e-mail, phone number or addresses you can invite whomever you want to away from the school setting
>My kids' nursery & pre-K had us invite all the kids in the class & I liked it because then I was able to meet the parents I wasn't able to meet because I worked. And it created a sort of community.BUT – now that they're in public school and the classes are bigger — we don't have to. Works out fine.
>Our policies have always been if your not inviting the entire class, you have to hand out the invites before/after school. We can deal with that. There is no way we’d ever invite an entire class. I wouldn’t invite people I didn’t like to a party of mine…why should I expect my child would want to?
>It’s the policy at our kids’ school that if invitations are brought into school ALL children in the class need to be invited. I can understand because there would be hurt feelings. So, this is how we do it in our school…we send invitations to the mom! No teacher is going to question a stack of envelopes that are addressed to “Mrs. Smith c/o Joey Smith, Room 202” It solves the problem! I plan on doing this when I send out invitations to my daughter’s GIRLS ONLY party!! I mean, why would I have a tea party and invite the boys in the class? Her brother won’t even want to be there 🙂
>I agree with this type of policy as it applies to Valentine’s Day (ie, don’t leave anyone out when you are giving Valentines, because some poor unpopular kid will end up with an empty basket). I wasn’t even aware they had extended that to birthday parties.This policy wouldn’t really apply to me, because I feel it is extremely bad manners for a child to go to school and hand out invites IN FRONT OF EVERYONE if everyone isn’t invited–particularly if most of the class is getting one; it’s different if only one or two kids, like you said, are invited. Have you ever seen the show My Super Sweet Sixteen? I don’t mean to watch it, but it’s like a train wreck. You can’t look away. Those girls almost always take their invitations to school and make a big hairy deal of excluding a bunch of people. They purposely do this to put others down and build themselves up. This is an extreme, but it’s so unkind and rude. There are other options. You could send email invites to the parents, call them, or send invites via snail mail. When the kids get older they could probably give the invites to their friends at school without drawing a bunch of attention. I certainly don’t think the schools should have jurisdiction over that. I mean, how would they police it?
>I’m pretty sure those policies are only about passing out the invites in class and not about what you do privately.And I’m with Amy – why can’t kids finish their work during the 8 hour school day? I have nothing against out of class research assignments and long-term projects, but I can’t stand that they have homework and stoopid worksheets after school – along with sports, playtime, family activities, errands, chores, etc. And I certainly don’t want or need homework after MY full day either.
>To be honest, I would consider a child handing out invitations in front of my daughter to be a learning experience. A nasty learning experience, but one that she will benefit from having early on.I mean, we deal with this scenario all of our lives. We will always be left out of something. Look at these mom blogger events that some moms are invited to and others aren’t. It never goes away, whether you’re five or you’re 50. How does it really benefit our children to not learn to deal with this at a young age?
>Our school does not have a policy like this, but I have made it a point to invite everyone in the class. I have found that the number of kids who actually come is the exact number we would have wanted anyway, as only my son’s friends want to come. It all has worked out in the end and no one is “left out.” They leave themselves out.
>Now that I’m reading the comments, I see that it may just be about distributing invitations at school, but if this is not the case, how does the school enforce this policy? And what would be their “punishment” or response if you did break it?
>Here is what I did to avoid all of this. We have family parties. I ask Smith what kind of cake he wants me to bring to school for his Party. We have it at school. This way, it is not all about the presents (there are none!) but he gets to celebrate with his friends. He gets pleanty of gifts from family. It is wonderful!!Liz
>oops….I meant “Plenty” not “pleanty”
>When I was in fourth grade, I was one of two girls not invited to a classmate’s birthday party at McDonald’s. All the girls, except for the two of us not invited, were picked up during the lunch hour and returned to class later with their party favors. It was a humiliating experience and one I will always remember. I’m almost 37 years old and the memory of this day still makes my mother angry. She received apologetic calls from both my principal and my teacher. The girl’s mother received some calls too, and the next day I was handed some party favors and a meek apology from the birthday girl. It embarrassed the hell out of both of us.That being said, I think parents and children have every right to control the guest list of parties that are held outside the school and after regular school hours. Inviting a child’s whole class only increases the parents’ financial investment, and like you said, fewer children will be having parties as a result.But honestly? Birthday parties are way overrated anyway.
>There is always that one kid who is too fat, or wears the wrong clothes, or has a speech impediment, or is poor or has parents who don’t care enough to make sure he/she is clean and well taken care of. There is always a kid that is the outcast. The kid that NOBODY wants to invite to their birthday party.Is it fair to “teach this kid a lesson” or is it better to show a little human sympathy to a little kid and make sure he gets invited once in awhile?
>It seems to me that there is a misunderstanding here – I really doubt that the school is trying to dictate who you can and can’t invite to your kid’s party – just the means of invitation. And honestly, if your kid is close enough to a friend to invite them to their party, then surely you can track down an address or phone number.
>I agree with you. It’s also along the same lines of sports teams not keeping score because the loosing team will get their feelings hurt. And I have read that some schools will no longer even post a grade if it is under a certain number (like 50). Hello! If my child gets a 24 on a test, I would like it to say that.
>The policy at our elementary school and daycare is that everyone gets one. So far, my preschooler has received 3 invties in the month she has been there, but they have been from kids she has never mentioned. Quite frankly, if I haven’t heard my girls mention the child, then they aren’t going.What is much more disturbing is that my new neighborhood seems to be starting a trend of inviting every child in the neighborhood to parties. This goes against my birthday party philosophy. Our birthday parties have always had just a few kids (their closest friends), the parents and plenty of food and bevvies. Our parties have always been intimate and fun. This new development totally sucks.
>Geez Amy, settle down. Though in the future, please don’t put “life threatening” in quotes, because guess what hon, they REALLY ARE LIFE THREATENING! Consider homeschooling. It might be better if you stay away from the outside world as everyone/everything seems to annoy you.
>Geez Amy, you need a drink.
>Once again I breathe a sigh of relief that we chose to home school and don’t have any of this headache to deal with.I asked my son who he wants to invite to his birthday party next week and he rattled of the names of all his aunts and uncles. I kept waiting for him to throw in the names of friends he plays with after school, every day, and he never did. So I asked, and he sort of shrugged and said, “Sure I guess.”Family dinner it is. Makes my life easier. And I’m glad he doesn’t feel like his birthday party needs to be some giant extravaganza with every one in attendance.
>I agree that there is a lesson to be learned by not being invited to a party. I have a 9 yr old and a 4 yr old. 4 yr old is still in the large, almost the whole class type parties. My 9 yr old is now in the small in-crowd party world. So far, he’s been on the in-side. But sooner or later he’ll experience the out-side. Which is good.This past weekend, he went to a party. It was a girl party and he was “the boy friend” of the celebrant. She threw him a bone and invited another male classmate so he’d be comfortable. I got the “it’s time for you to leave dad before you embarass me” look.Wild part was, everyone in class knew of the party and yet only a handful were invited. Talk about real world experience. Schools can’t control everything.
>I think that whether I agree/ disagree with the policy depends on a combination of the size of the class and the grade level. If the class is relatively small and it’s pre-k or kindergarten, I’m okay with that policy. (Most really young kids lack discretion and they WILL be talking about the party around other who weren’t invited. Kids will have plenty of opportunity later on to learn about being ok with being left out.)My (personal) school pet peeve is EVERYONE having to participate in fundraisers – I’d rather just donate money directly! But that’s another story…
>I agree that we are talking about two different things – the means of inviting and then the “policing” by the school. I think that handing out invitations in class (we are talking elementary school and below) to a certain portion of the population would result in hurt feelings and that’s what schools are trying to avoid. We bring cupcakes on the day (no frosting for Cooper, cause he don’t like no frosting, but I digress)….and that’s it. If you have a separate party at your house or that godawful Chuck E Cheese then you invite who you want. As Carrien said -the family party thing works out well for us too. This was the first year we did a party (mini golf, etc.) and I’ll be hesitant to do that again.
>I’d like to know why these arrogant twits think they can dictate what you do in your own home on your own time? I hope a smarmy lawyer decides to do a class action against these schools…hey where’s the ACLU?
>I’m mixed.I can see how handing out invitations AT the school can result in school-imposed policies… because kids can be mean, even little kids… it’s what they do. But even then, forcing kids to invite everybody in the class is too much… perhaps all the girls (if a birthday girl) or all the boys (if a birthday boy).If the invites are handled carefully outside of school and parents asked to caution their children not to blab about it too much at school though, I don’t think the school should interfere… and it can help teach the kids to be kind about parties and not deliberately hurt feelings.Or maybe I’m living in fantasy land. Who knows. We’re not quite there yet….
>Our school has no policy, but I do. I will NOT allow my daughter(2nd grade) to invite several little girls from her class and not the rest. It’s all or nothing. I refuse for my daughter’s birthday party to be the reason a child feels left out and gets her feelings hurt. As far as learing a life lesson, I won’t be the one teaching it. Unless the lesson is for my daughter and it teaches that listening to your classmates rave about a party you were not invited to is hurtful. As a result, we usually do something special with her very best friends only, and they are not in her class. I don’t have to have a huge party, and I am not the cause of a child being hurt.
>I got on the sh*t list years ago when I only invited the boys in my son’s preschool class. The school itself didn’t care, but the moms of the girls thought I was awful and sexist. Was I supposed to have a Superman party for the boys and a My Little Pony party for the girls? No thanks.After a couple of expensive, difficult parties I decided enough was enough. Birthdays are FAMILY celebrations–you’re celebrating when your child was added to your family. Now we have a special family outing or even a mini-vacation instead. I’d a lot rather spend the money making precious family memories, rather than buying cake, favors, and entertainment for a bunch of kids who aren’t really friends of my kids. I do take in cookies or cupcakes to school on the special days–my boys go to a very small school, so that’s not overwhelming.I’m already planning a family trip to NYC for my older son’s 16th next year.
>I get that kids need to learn they won't get an invitation to every party…but by teaching children not to pass out invites at school teaches the INVITER discretion. You don't have to like every person in your class, but you don't have to be a butt about NOT liking them.That being said, I made Anonymous Jr invite ALL the boys in 1st grade to his party…including boys I suspected he did not like too much. One declined to come, another had the time of his life & my son got to know him in a different light than "oh, the inclusion kid." 5 yrs later, we still talk about that party & how much it meant to the other boy & what it taught Anonymous Jr…and talk in a GOOD way.
>Oh yeah, I’m definitely not advocating children handing out invitations at school. I wouldn’t allow my own daughter to do that. I guess I just don’t think it’s anything for the school to get involved with one way or another, beyond perhaps deeply discouraging it. If a mom allowed her child to hand out party invitations to all but one or two children at school and I had a problem with it, I would hope I’d have the cojones to call the MOM and tell her what I thought, not the school principal. I don’t like it when schools get caught up in our children’s personal lives. I think it’s bad policy. And yes, some schools are simply not allowing invitations to be handed out on campus, which I suppose is their right, since it’s happening on school grounds (although I think it’s a little excessive), but there are indeed schools that state that your child MUST invite all the kids in the class to the birthday party- or none. Enough that I keep hearing about it.
>Wow, this is a timely post for me. My daughter’s birthday is in a couple of weeks and it’s time to do invites. She’s in kindergarten now – I only know maybe 2 of the 27 kids. I’m sure as heck not inviting 27 kids, and I don’t want to invite a bunch of kids I don’t know. I have no idea what to do. Anyone??
>Yikes! I’d hate to see the size of these parties.You’d have to have it in an events hall to accomodate all the kids and parents. And, I certainly wouldn’t host 25+ kids for a drop off party!
>We are not allowed to hand out invites at school at all. We get a class list of addresses, which we can opt out of being on, and they expect we’ll shell out the cash for postage.
>The policy at my kids’ school is ONLY IF the invitations are being handed out during schooltime. Either you do all boys, all girls, or both. It really hasn’t bothered me. From what I’ve noticed, usually parents have a party with a few of their child’s friends, and they contact them personally (that’s what we do – we have a directory and we use it!) OR they do a family party and then bring cupcakes or something to school. Although, I will say that more schools are prohibiting the cupcakes – that’s because of state laws, not necessarily the school’s rules.I don’t really feel like it affects me at all. Do I only want to invite 3 kids to my daughter’s party? Well, then, I’ll just email their parents! And while I’m all for kids learning important lessons, I’m okay with this in elementary school (not middle or high school…by that time with switching classes it’s impossible, for one thing. For another, that’s when kids need to learn that you aren’t going to be invited to everything). I’ll say right now that I was devastated after 5th grade to find out that I was the only person not invited to a party. But, you know, it built character. Those invitations, btw, were mailed, not handed out at school.
>Maybe I just had thick skin…Back in the dark ages when I was a kid, you more or less understood that you weren’t friends with everyone, and those you were not close friends with would not invite you to their parties. It’s something we learned early and simply accepted.Recently I read of a school that is now mandating only “healthy” snacks for birthday treats – good grief, where is the fun in that?I’m actually pretty happy to have grown up when I did.
>We are in one of the suburbs north of Dallas. The elementary school policy is if you want to pass out invitations at school then either all children get an invite or all the girls/boys (which ever your child is) gets an invite. Otherwise use the school directory and mail the invitations to whomever you wish. I can see where it is a good idea because the teacher will not have to deal with an upset child who didn’t get an invite. I would much rather my kids teacher be teaching the class.
>That’s craziness.Our school just has a “no talking about birthday parties in school” rule. It is a good lesson to have to explain to my girls that just because they aren’t invited to a party doesn’t mean the person doesn’t like them, it’s just that they aren’t best friends. They get it.Big birthday parties are miserable.
>Our school says you can’t pass them out at school unless you have one for each kid in that class. So I just mail them out or catch the mom while waiting for my kids to get out of school.
>I would say that the policy is working out fine. But I’m unable to because my head is about to explode from the party that I just got back from where there were 60 – yes SIXTY – kids.Stop the madness somebody, please!
>Amy, my son has a life-threatening (as opposed to ‘”life-threatening”‘) nut allergy and will in fact die if he ingests anything with a trace of peanut on it if he is not treated immediately.Would you feel differently if it was your child’s peanut butter sandwich that caused his death?
>I’m a teacher. here’s what we do and it works great.No handing out invitations at school unless there’s one for everyone. Ask for a class list to be sure. If you have no other way to contact parents, give ME the invitation and I will hide it in a backpack to be found when the child gets home at night. Nobody else is the wiser. We recommend you contact the parents somewhere other than school to invite whomever you like.
>BTW, just picked up on Amy’s comment. As a mum of a two children, both of whom have nut allergies, and an epi-pen on hand at all times, I’m understanding that these things can be tricky for other mums to keep track of, and amazingly my sons are pretty OK about it too. This despite the fact that I’ve lost count of the number of birthday parties we’ve been at where neither of them could eat the birthday cake and or / assorted snacks because they had nuts in.I certainly hope that she never needs to work out how she would react to ‘idiotic’ comments about ‘idiotic policies’ about nut allergies should she ever find herself in the unfortunate situation of having a child who suffers from it.And no, we don’t stay home, because that’s no life for them. Unfortunately the alternative in a world where people make comments like that is to stay vigilant, check the ingredients, and hope to god that this restaurant visit isn’t one where we end up having to go to hospital again.Am I cross? You bet.
>At my school, kids have to pass out invitations after school.
>I had only heard of that for valentines. We received an invitation the other day, and the mom slipped it to me quietly and noted they couldn’t invite everyone, so I suggested Pumpkinpie not mention it to the others. Lots of kids DO have the huge, all-in parties for everyone. But not us.
>My kids school has the rule that if you are going to pass the invitations out AT school then everyone must get an invite. If the invites are mailed, then they don’t care.I don’t see how they can attempt to control what happens outside of school, not on school grounds. If your daughter’s best friend is in her class and they have been best friends since they started pre-school who is to say they can’t have a party of two or three like you want?
>Our school’s policy is that if you want the invitations handed out at school, you have to either invite the whole class, all boys only or all girls only. However, if you mail or give invitations off school ground, you can do what you want. Julie
>The rule at our daycare and elementary school was that you have to invite everybody if you’re handing out the invitations at school. Otherwise, just ask the kids not to talk about it at school, please and thank you.I told MM if I heard that anyone NOT invited to his party had heard that there was going to be one, that the party would be cancelled.
>When I was in school, we could only pass out invitations at school if you were inviting either the whole class, or all the girls (or boys, depending on your gender) in the class. If not, you had to pass out invitations on your own time. I always thought it made sense. Compassion isn’t a bad thing. I agree that children need learning experiences. Teaching them to show compassion and try to include other kids is a good thing. In kindergarten and first grade I invited all the girls in my class. After that, I just invited fiends (outside of school time). But in 5th grade, I was good friends with all the girls in class but one, and I invited her anyway (without being told I had to) because I had learned to think about the feelings of others. When all the girls in the class who were friends did a secret Santa, a friend and I left gifts for the girl the other girls didn’t want to include. Compassion is learned, and I honestly think I’m a better person for having been forced to include and think about the feelings of the kids I wasn’t really friends with. I think perhaps a rule about not just excluding a few kids in the class is a good thing, especially in the younger years. If parents talk to their kids about why the rule exists, maybe more kids will grow up considering the feelings of other children.I do get what you’re saying. Not everyone is going to love or want to be friends with your kid. They will learn that eventually, believe me. I just don’t think it’s a bad thing to try to protect 6 year olds from it though. Feeling left out and unpopular can horribly affect kids…I’ve seen it. I might be in the minority here, but I’m alright with a policy meant to spare kids from the sadness and embarrassment.
>I would just like to say that my son doesn’t feel left out when the girls have girls-only parties, but he does love having high tea and feels sad that no boys are ever invited to tea birthday parties.I may have one for him this year.And I don’t see why girls wouldn’t want to go to a Superman party.This past year, we had a Star Wars birthday party at a laser tag place and invited 20 kids, girls and boys. They all had a great time.Fun is universal.
>My child’s school fortunately does not have a birthday party policy. In the past, I have sent invitations for a select few of my son’s friends with a note to the teacher to “please send these home with Kids A., B., and C. as discreetly as possible”. My son has also received invites in that manner. That policy is crap!Around these parts (southern Illinois), I’ve heard of 7 valedictorians in a graduating class because of mere hundreths of points differences in GPA’s. I’ve heard about co-Homecoming queens because of stuffed ballot boxes and parents in an uproar that their Little Miss Popular didn’t actually get the most votes. I’ve heard of parents fighting the school board because their football star son was arrested for drunk driving, which violated the school’s athletic code that both he and his parents signed at the start of the school year, and therefore he was benched for the remainder of the season and that’s unfair because he’s “scholarship material” and some area colleges were supposed to come to this week’s game to watch him play. It sickens me to hear about these parents leaping to their child’s aid/defense for things that should be beyond their control. It’s just too much. Sometimes life sucks and we just have to deal with it. All of this overparenting doesn’t bode well for the future of our society.
>First off – as long as we are talking about the dispersal of the invitations (and I think that is all any school tries to control), I am with the school. I’ve personally never heard of any flak being given for selective invites handled privately. As it should be IMHO. We do the 2-3 friends with a movie and sleepover here. The next big-ish party will be at 13. I think the milestone years are fun to do up fairly big. Secondly – wow. Amy – at least you got the balls not to be an ‘anonymous’ with your comment. I hope you gain a little perspective before you have a school age child, just to spare the teacher. There are many things that will annoy you about school,and that is fine – get involved and help better your school if you see a deficiency. But don’t for a second think that joking about a childs illness will ever be acceptable. To anyone.
>Our school isn’t doing this yet, thank God. I can’t imagine having to deal with 30 10-year-olds AND their parents for 15 minutes, let alone 2 – 3 hours. I think, frankly its rediculous. Not only from the standpoint you mentioned about feelings but just the expense of it. God I just threw my son a skate/bowling part and with only 5 guests showing up, it was $103.00 just for the party.. not including cake and gifts and invitations. I can’t imagine what it would be for his entire class.
>Lindsay, I have my own opinion about this issue.But, what I would like to know is why, at this time while you’re homeschooling your preschooler, you are taking issue with this matter?Please update how Punky handles being uninvited to her first birthday party. If that ever happens considering her who her daddy is.
>Our school policy is that the kids can’t hand out invitations AT SCHOOL unless it is for all of the kids.
>I don’t see how legally it would be inforcable in the first place. How is it the schools business who you invite to a private party at a private residence or public place. As long as children aren’t distributing invitations at school its none of anyone else’s business. Adults have parties and they don’t invite their entire office right? Sure they invite a few select that they are friendly with but that is all. This country is ridiculous in trying to “make every Johnny and Susie” feel special and make sure that they are awarded for every little thing and aren’t left out of anything that once they grow up they also expect to be praised for every little accomplishment. At that rate when Johnny and Susie grow up and they get their first jobs they are going to expect their bosses to give them little certificates at the end of everyday to make sure they have good self esteem at the end of the day. Bull! Being invited or not invited to parties as children builds character. Schools need to butt out.
>I think anonymous at 5:26 must be from the Green Hills Mom’s Club. You know they still have you under surveillance….
>I agree that they should use class time to hand out invitations. In this day and age e-vites are better anyway.
>Amy – WOW. It is people like you who make dealing with a “life-threatening” nut allergy difficult. So sorry to inconvenance you or your children in any way! And of course we can’t always avoid places where there may be nuts…but we do our best. We don’t eat “treats” (i.e ice cream, cake) if it is not made at home. I even have to send a cupcake to any birthday party my daughter attends. And as far as homework goes, what’s the big deal? Don’t you want to be a part of your child’s education. Yes, they go to school to learn, but we are our child’s 1st teacher. Does our teaching stop because they have started school? I think not. It sounds like there are a lot of things in life that you don’t want to be bothered with. get a grip.
>Our schools have the same policies and I agree with you… don’t tell me who I can/can’t invite to my child’s birthday. We tend to just not include classmates which works now, but will be harder once our kids are older.On the other, I fucking hate most other parents, so at least I don’t have to make small talk with them at a party I felt obligated to invite them to.
>Yeah, it looks like someone wanted to be snarky, because that question, “anonymous,” doesn’t even make sense. I write a column that’s largely about parenting. I have a child who will start school next year. Why wouldn’t it concern me that some schools are starting to mandate that all or no one must be invited to a party? And do you think people really care who her father is after the kids have been in school together for a while? It certainly didn’t keep my stepdaughters from enduring their share of hard knocks at school.Also, for those of you who think schools aren’t mandating that all kids be invited or none, see my comment above. I can think of at least two people in particular in two different states whose kids go to schools that mandate that all kids in the class must be invited to any birthday party. Beyond that, I keep hearing the topic come up every few months, and it hit me that this is a growing trend.
>I agree with the comments regarding a school’s ability to enforce who your children communicate with. Obviously if a child sends personal invitations to a few classmates away from school, the school has no authority. But I’m with you on the whole issue to begin with. Ridiculous. Along the lines of the children’s sports leagues that don’t keep score. (But the kids do, I’ve asked them.) 🙂
>ok, I've already posted once, but I'm still thinking about Amy's comment. Are you kidding me? Not Life-threatening? Have you ever witnessed your child struggle to breathe and then projectile vomit after biting into and then spitting out a peanut butter cup? I suppose not. How do you think the child feel every time someone brings a snack or other treat to school and they are the only one who can't eat it. My children are 5 and 3 and they handle the situation with more grace and consideration than the so-called "grown-ups". I am sorry that there are some people who can't come up with an alternative to a PB&J sandwich to send in a school lunch. I highly recommend a vistit to your local library to check out the book "Peanut Free Cafe". It offers some great suggestions.
>I like what I’m reading in the comments about..”IF the invitations are handed out at school.” Obviously we have to teach our children how to handle heartache, but I would not be OK with my children being the cause of anyone else’s pain. That being said, I’ll just send invites to the kids’ homes. If my kids are close enough to another kid to invite them to our home, I’m sure I will have met them before (while they are young enough for this to be an issue).
>Anonymous from 5:26 here.No, I’m not part of the Green Hills Mom’s Club.I’m sorry for my snarkiness. Please accept my apologies.:-)
>Thanks for responding. 🙂 No worries.
>I agree with a lot of the other comments here. I think the school’s policy (at least where I live) about invitations going to everyone in the class only refers to when the invites are distributed at school or in the classroom. I have to say I agree with that policy. When we moved to our new town last winter we obviously didn’t know a soul. One evening there was a knock on our door and it was a mom from my children’s elementary school. She was kind of out of breath and quickly told me that she was trying to find our home because she wanted to invite our daughter, age 5, to her daughter’s birthday party. She really went out of her way to do this because she didn’t want our daughter to feel left out. As a result of this my daughter went to the party and is still friends with this girl a year later and the really cool thing is their 13 year old brother’s became really good friends as a result of this. So, I was really thankful for this mom to go out of her way like that – school policy or not. Although, if you want to have a small party just call the parents or send an invitation to the home – I don’t think the school would or could reinforce that!
>Too bad that today’s schools are less interested in teaching kids such basics as reading, writing, ‘rithmetic, because it might cut into the indoctrination of politically correct social engineering, and all that touchy-feely crap.You’re on the right track, Lindsay.
>I have never heard of having to invite the whole class to a party. I used to be a teacher and the rule was in order to hand out invitations at school, you had to invite the whole class. Also, as a teacher, I cannot impress upon people the great disservice we are doing to our children with policies such as this. Children these days are expected to act (and dress) like adults but are hovered over and protected well into adulthood. Kids today have lost the ability to cope with life’s struggles and we are creating adults with no hope of ever learning these skills that should have been acquired in childhood.
>Yeah- there is no way for them to enforce this rule. Our school just asks us not to have the kids pass the invites out at school, unless everyone is invited- which I can live with (at elementary anyway)we just mail them or take them to their house-
>Undomestic – you and I must be hanging out in the same crowd, because I hate almost everyone else too! I honestly feel that I am on a different planet that some of these people….re: nuts. Last year in 1st grade we had nut free snacks which meant you could bring nuts to lunch (pb&j) but you could not have them for snack beacuse snack is in the classroom. Now the Kid is in 2nd grade and we have a whole nut free classroom – no snack and no nut lunch. If they buy hot lunch – where pb & j is offered every day – they can't sit at the peanut free table. I used to piss & moan and honestly I have no idea why the allergies are now so virulent but it's a matter of respect I think. Just like the Kid doesn't want someone hanging over her while she's eating, I don't want some kid going into shock because I sent banana nut bread to school. That would suck. I can do blood and bones, but not puke. And that would make me an asshole. I'm a bitch, but not an asshole.
>Fortunately, Rockboy is past the age of the all-inclusive birthday party, because honestly, I could not afford that.I see this both ways – I do have some pity and compassion for the kids that don’t get invited. It’s rough and their feelings may be hurt.On the other hand, childhood is when people need to learn how to handle all sorts of emotions, both good and bad. Parents are doing their children a grave disservice by not allowing them to learn the art of grace.Graceful winning.Graceful losing.If you don’t learn it as a child, you’re going to have a hard time learning it as an adult. And what could have been a brief, mildly painful lesson in childhood then becomes major trauma in adulthood when you suddenly find out that your boss doesn’t find your tantrums the least bit charming and is not impressed.
>Amy- You are a sad ignorant person. I truly feel sorry for you. I am very sorry my daughters “life threatening” allergy interferes with your life. Its not exactly ideal for us either but we manage. Luckily our kids schools, teachers and their classmates parents are understanding and supportive. They value my childs life and have NO problem not bringing in any nut products or simply reading a label to make sure its safe. Please do everyone a favor and home school. I certainly dont want people like you involved in my kids lives.
>Our school doesn’t want invitations handed out in school unless everyone is invited. My daughter’s birthday is in 2 weeks and I just don’t have the room for everyone in my house. I can accommodate the kids, just not all the parents too, if they want to stay (kids are 4 and 5). So, I told my daughter she could only invite 2 of her closest friends from school (the other 4 kids are neighbors and close friends). We hand delivered them to their houses.
>I HATE BIRTHDAYS. I hate THROWING parties and GOING to the DAMN parties (I’m a ball of joy, aren’t I?). It’s just that The Birthday Party Policy SUCKS ASS and runs ramped in my suburbanista world. Which means that one any given Saturday, I could have two birthday parties and then one on Sunday. Love the cake, but I am going broke with the gifts and am sick of small talk!
>Oh dear god.THIS is what I have to deal with in 5 years?I’m not throwing a party for 30+ kids just so little Madison’s feelings aren’t hurt…especially if she’s not a child that my E hangs out with.
>Umm,, at 4 their best friend today isn’t their best friend tomorrow. And by the time the party rolls around, your little one could be devastated that YOU didn’t invite their new, forever best friend (of 12 hours). I think it’s a good policy in preschool, when kids play more alongside their peers than WITH them as a general rule. They have the rest of their lives to be publicly discriminated against, so why start at 3/4 years old?Personally, we live by the “one friend per year” party rule, because it’s the only way I can survive a party without alcohol. And we have always handed out invites outside of school, even getting a mailing list from the teachers and doing it that way.
>Yeesh. Forget Autism. It looks like nut allergies should be the next topic of research. I didn't know a single kid with a nut allergy growing up. Actually, aside from pollen and one girl who was mildly allergic to strawberries, I didn't know anyone allergic to anything. And I don't think I know a single person with an Epipen.What has caused this huge spike in children with nut allergies? Or do their parents all just happen to be fans of Lindsay?I'm not trying to be snarky – I called my child's school this summer to let them know I had accidentally sent him with PB&J and begged them to take HIM out, instead of the visiting child who had the allergy. I just find it eye-opening to see all these severe nut allergy parents commenting.
>So far all my kids’ teachers have asked that all kids in the class (or at least all the girls or all the boys) be invited to birthday parties if the invites are passed out at school. If the invitations are mailed, then you can invite whoever you want. I think it’s a good policy and I’m fine with it.
>Never heard of it. Wouldn’t do it.I would also never, ever, ever let my kids pass out invitations or talk about parties at school.
>Last year, my son wanted to invite all of the boys in his class except for the one he does not like. This boy is a Somali refugee and truthfully, lacking in social skills, so I understood why he didn’t want to, but made him invite him anyway. Not because we handed invites out at school, but because don’t you think it would suck to learn that you are the only 8yo in your class not included in something? He didn’t come and we didn’t expect him to, but usually the 1 kid we don’t want to invite has enough problems without adding the unnecessary insult of excusion. This kid will certainly havve plenty of dissapointments and unfair lessons in his life, but I wasn’t about to be the one to teach this lesson to an 8yo with enough problems already.
>While I do very much respect the nut allergy camp, try packing a lunch for a non-soy eating vegan child without nuts day after day after day. That’s no animal products, no soy. As for school policies, I’ve seen it all from the birthday invite issue, to what and how much TV at home, to at home junk food policies, to the signed list of “school approved” bedtime stories. The last one broke the camel’s back.
>I’m dying to know what school you’re talking about. Are you in Nashville?
>One last comment on the nuts thing for the anonymous commenter above. Being vegan is – I assume – a choice. I respect that choice. But it is YOUR choice. And guess what? If I could choose for my sons not to be allergic to nuts, I would.
>Personally, I think that it’s not the school’s place to decide who should be invited to a private birthday party, but I also believe it’s cold of a parent to leave out one or two kids from a class. It happened to me when I was a kid, it happened to my sister, and it’s not nice. Sure, we’re not scarred forever by those incidents, but is it really necessary to leave a few out? When I didn’t want one of the girls I went to school with to my birthday party, my mom told me that I had to invite everyone, or I couldn’t have a party, and she reminded me of how I felt when I was the one left out. When I have children, I certainly won’t mollycoddle them. I understand that there will come a time when they will have to deal with not being invited to every party, but I don’t think that time should be when they’re six years old. That being said, I’m totally fine with a girls/boys only party. It reduces the amount of children you’ll have to deal with at the party, there’s a logic behind who gets an invite, and boys and girls usually don’t hang out with each other at that age because of the cooties.
>Dear Potty Mommy, You’re right veganism can be a chioce, but my son’s veganism was not his choice. His own set of food allergies gave him an easy label.While I very, very much understand your child’s nut allergy, getting enough calories into my boy at lunch was challenge. I recieved no such kindness by my public school when I asked for a “no egg” table, yet the entire school was a nut free zone. Exceptions for nuts stick in my craw, when I face my own list of forbidden and life threatening foods.As for the school approved bedtime stories, the teacher sent home each week a list of after school reading. The list changed each week reflecting the in-class themes. Below the list was a blank form you were to fill out stating which author, story, publisher, and copyright date, and page numbers you had read that evening to your first grader. Then you were to sign off on yourself that you had been a “good” parent by reading at least twenty minutes each evening. Parents not having at least 7 entries, one for each day, recieved a “frownie” sticker. There were over 15 blanks on the page and one mother asked at back to school night what she should do when she ran out of spaces. Like the birthday invite policy, I found a way around it. The teacher never read the entries. She just counted them. So it started out slowly, first it was the thirty pages of Tolkien, then it was pages 15-16 of the Wall Street journal. Finally, I just entered what ever I felt like, Steven King for six year olds, Proust, War and Peace, and Mein Kampf. I will always wonder if she ever noticed, I never got a “frownie” sticker ever again.
>In that case Anonymous, I take it all back. And if you have a petition anywhere to ask your school for an egg free table, just let me know where and I’ll sign it! Life’s hard enough with a child with allergies without the school being uncooperative.
>Wow, for the first time, I just read thru all the comments. Really interesting.I feel that if you are handing out the invitations at elementary school, the school has a right to insist it’s all or none.. as someone commented above, it’s not fair to the teacher to have to deal with the sad little ones… I agree, they have to learn to deal, but I don’t want MY CHILD to teach them how it feels to be left out.. I just don’t have the stomach for that. I have never sent an invitation to school, if I didn’t know the family well enough to send the invitation another way, they didn’t know the child well enough. Now that my kids are in high school, they have stopped wanting parties (thank God) but they get alot of invitations handed to them .. they have both learned that not everyone is invited to everything, and we didn’t have to disappoint anyone by leaving them out along the way….
>The only policy at my girls’ school is that they are not allowed to distribute birthday party invitations at school.
>I agree that parents/children should be allowed to invite friends to parties and not all classmates. This is what I have done for the past 12 years with 3 kids! That being said, comments are stating schools shouldn’t mandate who gets invited to parties in private/outside of school parties. Well, parents that send in the invitations to the teacher to pass out or the birthday child to pass have brought the “private life” party into the school. It’s not right for these to be passed out in the classroom. Pass them out before school or after. Keep them out of the classroom. I’m not a teacher, I let my kids learn life lessons due to not being invited, etc. They are well adjusted, independt children.
>In reading the comments, some have asked how the school enforces this type of policy. The teacher asks when the invitations come out if there is one for everyone. If the child responds, “No”, then the invitations are takien up and returned to the child at the end of the day. I have seen it done. So it is enforced (especially in early grades) if that is the policy.
>I agree with cyndie – there’s no way that I would allow the school to dictate how I choose to celebrate my child’s birthday. But I wouldn’t invite 20 of a 25 person class, obviously excluding one or two kids either. I would probably choose to go the route you mentioned – having 1 or 2 kids over for a sleepover or theatre trip but I would tell them firmly not to go on about it to the other kids at school.
>I’ll be the minority here and defend the school policy. Aren’t most school rules about teaching kids how to behave? We have rules against cheating because we don’t want them to cheat, we have rules against hitting because we don’t want them to hit – in or out of school.It seems to me that the schools are trying to teach kids to think about other people’s feelings and to teach the kids not to be exclusive. Maybe you don’t think the schools have the right to teach manners and kindness, but I don’t mind the school reinforcing what we teach at home.BTW, we’ve been to schools with this rule and it’s always been that if you invite more than a couple of kids, you invite either the whole class or all of the boys/girls. The school didn’t want to force you to have a big party, they just didn’t want you to leave out a couple of kids when everyone else was going.
>I”m with you on this one, and after skimming through the comments I’m surprised how many people seem to say something like, “I could see how handing out invitations AT school could hurt people’s feelings.” Well, duh. How many of us went through high school without hurt feelings. Sometimes, you have to learn how to be the person with the empty valentine’s basket, or the person who always gets picked last. High school is a rough place (Mean Girls, anyone?) and developing the ability to survive hurt feelings and realize that you are still a worthy and wonderful person – That is self esteem. That is a healthy teenager who has the skills to deal with college and the ‘real world.’
>This is why you never EVER invite more than a few children to the birthday parties. I learned my lesson the hard way…log on if you want a good laugh at my expense.http://rachelsupermom.blogspot.com/2007/11/birthday-party-from-hell.html
>Sorry, technical difficulties:)http://rachel-supermom.blogspot.com/2007/11/birthday-party-from-hell.html
>This is an “unwritten” policy at my son’s school, and we’ve been to three parties this year for kids turning 5. They have been really fun parties….for the adults. Great food, conversation, but possibly $1000 spent on food and entertainment for the kids. Our son has already started to tell me who is NOT invited to his party and who IS invited what he wants on the menu. I don’t know what to do, but we certainly can’t afford a grand for his fifth birthday in January. I don’t know what we’ll do!
>As a policy-maker at a publicly funded preschool program, really, keep the invitations at home! (I do have a daughter in another preschool program…and we still do the same.)We even get invites to parties for children that are not even in her class…and they come in her backpack from school.We make that decision as a policy at our preschool–to keep the parents ‘bickering out of the classroom–more than half of what is an issue at the preschool age is not from the children it’s the parents talking it up right smack in front of the kids. Or on the sidewalk in front of all the parents.If it’s easier, hand it to parents in person or put in the mail…or take it to their house. Teachers have enough to do without policing party invites for after-school hours.Just throwing an opinion out there.
>AMEN! And can we please do away with “identical prizes for all participants so those who didn’t come in first don’t feel bad”? Hell, what’s the point of striving, trying, getting better, etc. if everyone gets the same prize? And try telling that to the Olympic athletes: “Yes, Missy Lou, you DID get five perfect 10s and the other girls got 7s or less…but you ALL get gold medals.”Puh-leeez!
>Our school’s policy is that if you hand out invites in class, the girls can just invite the girls and the boys can just invite the boys. No one invites the whole class. My daughter is in Kindergarten. She doesn’t know most of the kids. I view it as a great way to meet everyone outside of school. So far she’s been to 3 parties. When they get older, they just invite close friends. I think it’s a good thing.
>As a recently former teacher of the very young, I do understand this policy.It is very hard to keep a class together when one or more members are having grand mal fits because they weren’t invited to a party. However.I never enforced a rule like this, my only request was that if every child was not invited–that the parents *mail* the invitations to the invitees’ homes instead of handing them out at school. That way it wasn’t an issue during school hours. Unless the other kids started talking about the cool party. Then I got to give the class a short lesson on why we don’t talk about parties at school…because it’s rude to make people feel left out.I have had, on more than one occasion, a parent who wanted to hand out invitations to everyone but ONE child in the class, just so that child would “learn a lesson” about…something. I don’t remember because I was so angry at the time.That’s when I started asking parents to email or mail the invitations rather than bring them to school.
>I’m glad so many of you don’t send birthday party invitations to school, but honestly, most people do. Every party invitation my girls have ever received came from school. And I’ve known them since they were 8 and 10. And yes, there were many, many cases when only certain girls were invited and other girls got their feelings hurt- right on up to the present time. But again. I think it’s a character builder, at any age. Because the sooner a kid knows that other kids and their parents can be, well, JERKS, the better, as far as I’m concerned. I really don’t want my daughter ever thinking that every kid in the world wants to be her friend (although, I have to admit, she does now!). I HATE thinking of her learning that she can’t be friends with everyone, but again, the sooner she learns to accept that she can’t please all of the people all of the time, the better. And perhaps this is especially important to me because I have had a problem with this my whole entire life, as anyone who reads this blog regularly has probably already realized…
>And OMG, maybaby, that parents would INTENTIONALLY leave one child out is absolutely cruel and ridiculous. Then again, I tell my girls all the time that adults really don’t change that much from when they were teenagers. The same shit still happens that did in high school. And that’s a perfect example.
>Uh, Amy–Speaking as a teacher—please homeschool.kthnx.
>To Kathy N., who commented that she didn’t know what to do when her son turns five because she can’t spend 1k on a party:Just say no?!
>Oh, yes. I’ve been teaching in the classroom for 13 years. The VAST majority of families are wonderful and I’m privileged to know them. The bad apples, though, are REALLY bad. Thankfully, as I said, they are also very rare.
>My daughters school asks that if you are going to pass invites at school that you invite all boys (if your son is a boy) or all girls or all kids in a class. If your going to mail/e-mail, then no one at the school cares.
>Seriously, why is nobody addressing the larger issue: because of our school’s new “wellness campaign” we are no longer allowed to bring cupcakes! Healthy snack or nothing. This is way more outrageous than having to invite everybody in class to a party. Cupcakes used to be the way I made up for not having a “big” party.
>Hi Marsha. We’re definitely not going to spend a grand, or even half of that, on our son’s 5th birthday. But there has been a bit of a potlatch feeling around the birthdays, and I guess I wish I could throw one myself. I think we’ll let our son choose 5 friends and we’ll invite them in person or by sending the invite to their homes. We had a big party last year when we lived in Nashville, but our son was in a much smaller school, so it wasn’t a hardship to invite everyone. I think the hardest thing is the kids talking about the parties with each other, no matter where the invites get sent, so that’s the part that I’m struggling with.
>Yup, have to make everybody happy these days. I do feel like the schools have good reason for this, as there was always one person in every class who got left out. Sad for that person. And yes, we’ve already had to deal with this sort of thing. My older son was one of two kids on his ball team to not get invited to a party a few years ago. He got over it! I think this all started with kids’ sports. Have to all be on a team…no more tryouts and some kids go home with hurt feelings. Everyone gets a trophy whether you did anything or not. Snacks handed out every 5 minutes. It’s ALL gotten out of hand!
>This is a parenting problem, and the school is attempting to fix it but in a very misguided manner.The scenario this is designed around is this: Little Johnny is already being bullied in school. Little Bobby invites the entire class to his birthday party except for Little Johnny. Little Johnny, already sad and hurt, gets excluded from an activity the entire rest of the class was included in. Little Johnny feels like even more of an outcast, and the class shuns him even more because he wasn’t at the party.What you have here is a situation where Little Bobby’s parents are not teaching their child that it’s not okay to intentionally make someone else feel bad. If you’re inviting the whole class, then invite the whole class. Not the whole class except that one kid. There’s nothing wrong with inviting the whole class, but there is something wrong with bullying and the exclusion of just one person. That ain’t right.But having said that, what if you are planning a small party and have a guest limit of three or five children? In that instance, the parents have a party plan and a budget, and have decided that only the closest friends shall attend. And there’s nothing wrong with that kind of party plan either.The school is trying to come up with a way to combat the Little Johnny/Little Bobby scenario. And they don’t know how to do it. So they operate with a heavy hand and preclude other types of parties. The best intentions are at heart here, but it’s gone too far.As parents, we need to teach our children to do unto others as we would have others do unto us. We need to teach our children that bullying is wrong, and that intentionally hurting a classmate’s feelings isn’t okay. And if we can teach our children the appropriate behaviour and enforce that behaviour, then the schools will no longer feel a need to be militant in ensuring that we and our children behave appropriately to others.I wonder how much wiggle room they have on the birthday party policy. If you explain that you are only inviting a couple of close friends and that invitations will not be handed out at school, might they bend? I suspect they would.
>Just read the other comments. Glad to see all your readers seem to understand that it’s not okay to just exclude one child from a party, and we are all teaching our children well. Good parents!
>The birthday policy at my son’s preschool and my daughter’s kindergarten is that IF INVITATION ARE TO BE HANDED OUT AT SCHOOL, (big IF there), then either it is all of the class, or all of the members of the same sex in the class. There is no rule at those schools that IF you MAIL OUT the invitation, you can invite whomever you please. I think that those rules are reasonable. Mandatory invitations for the whole class isn’t reasonable, if the invitations are handled outside the school setting.There was a young lady in my class who did not like me, at all. She would hand out invites in class, and not give me one, telling me, “I only was allowed to invite 35, and you make 36.” Her parents were always nice to me when I ran into them. I never made the disconnect until I was an adult. She had an invite for me, she just simply threw it out, or whatever, in order to hurt me. I couldn’t imagine parents deliberately allowing the exclusion of a single child who was by all forms of judgement was a normal good kid.
>Wow. I have not heard of this. At my daughter’s school (daycare from infant through kindergarten), you can invite (or not) anyone you want. There have been parties that my daughter hasn’t been invited to, she is aware of it, and she doesn’t care. Because — she doesn’t play with those kids and didn’t want to go anyway.
>I do think that, policy or not, it is just plain rude to hand out invitations in front of people that are not invited, whether it is a 6yo birthday party, or a baby shower for an adult. I wouldn’t dream of openly handing out invitations at work to all but a couple of people any more than I would allow my kids to do the same at school. It is just a matter of manners and considering the feelings of others. Yes, kids need to learn that some people are jackasses, but not by being one.
>I have never cared one way or the other what the schools policies were as it applied to invitations to outside functions. They should not have to go through the school to begin with. If you are inviting these people into your home you should know them well enough to have an address or phone number at the very least. I can’t imagine being the trashy person who would send invitations to a select few in a class and exclude the rest. And while I understand that children will grow to be adults who face these slights, as an adult I have never come to work to see party invites laid on desks for all to see who got one and who didn’t. (see previous comment RE: address’ and phone numbers). As adults we have learned to accept that some go to the parties and some don’t. And those that do generally have the class not to mention it. Children do have have that ability because well, everyone got invited where they grew up.
>As a teacher, I know that a lot of times these policies exist because some parents (more in some schools than others) put so much of the learning you talk about on the teachers. For instance, little Susie’s upset because she’s not going to the party and there’s a screaming parent in my room wanting to know what I’m going to do about it. School’s often come up with these so teachers are protected from insane suggestions and expectations about things not related to education.
>Oy. I think the back and forth in these comments alone explains why schools have these policies – because the teacher would like to, um, TEACH something that day, so that the school doesn’t wind up missing Annual Yearly Progress under NCLB?? I think the bigger underlying issue is how overinvolved parents have become with their kids’ lives, to the point where they get all in a swivet about a school policy like this. Here’s a thought: The school may have made that policy so that they could cut down on the level of PARENTAL drama they have to deal with. I am willing to bet that some wound-up parent called the school to complain about the TEACHER when a student gave out invitations at school and didn’t include everyone. These are the same parents who call the school to complain about incidents that take place off school grounds, outside school hours – like the father who called the principal of the high school where I used to work and yelled, “My daughter had a party this weekend when my wife and I were away! What are you going to do about it?” Um, nothing?? To make a short story long, basically, schools step in because boundaries aren’t being set outside the school walls. So you can expect that the school is going to set whatever policy best serves its own ends, e.g., limits the outside drama that gets in the way of, oh, educating. The school could give a sh*t about life lessons, innate fairness, gender differences, etc.; they just don’t want angry phone calls at all hours from parents haranguing them about things that really aren’t the school’s problem.
>We just privately invite who we want. At our school it’s just that you can’t hand out the invitations in front of everyone if everyone isn’t involved. And I encourage my daughter to refrain from talking about the party in front of those who aren’t invited. Because that’s just good etiquette. I don’t talk about my parties in front of those who aren’t invited…
>This rule doesn’t really bother me, since I assume the spirit it was made in. I.e., if kids are handing out birthday invitations at school and excluding kids, it could get pretty disruptive and it’s a lot of extra work for the teacher. I also assume that parents are clued in enough to send actual party invitations to the home. My oldest is a kindergartener and we haven’t had a problem yet (mostly because he’s pretty oblivious to this kind of thing) though I am sure we have plenty of years ahead of us where he will learn the “lessson” that you don’t get included in everything.It seems kind of silly to get so riled up about a rule like this. But that’s just me.
>So you have no problem with being forced to have 25 kids at your child’s birthday party, most of whom you don’t even know?I’m not talking about invitation policies. I’m talking about actual “party” policies, dictated by the school. I think you might have misunderstood. 🙂
>I guess what I’m saying is–if you don’t hand the invitations out at school, you shouldn’t have any problem with it, whether you invite the whole class or not. I can’t imagine there would be a repurcussion for the student or the parent (and what would it be, if there was one?) if it later came out that only a few kids had been invited. Nor do I see many kids caring too deeply about something that has already happened (but again, I only know up to 5 year olds) In effect, I’m advocating breaking the rule, and assuming that most people will/do, but in a way that doesn’t disrupt the class. Accepting the rule because of the non-disruptive clause, I suppose. And that’s why I thought it was silly to get upset about it.However, I did indeed misunderstand if there are schools where some kind of punishment for smaller parties is meted out. Which I do find ridiculous.
>My husband pointed out another problem with this policy.Suppose my child has a few close friends in the class. In addition, there is a group of kids who bully and pick on my child. Maybe they regularly follow him home and beat him up after school. But now, because of school policy, I have to invite those kids over to my house? And feed them cake? And be all nice about it, while knowing that their mere presence terrifies my child? And if I don’t extend the invitation, my child doesn’t get to have his close school friends come to his birthday party? Oh, I don’t think so.Kids are creative. If they’re wanting to exclude someone, they will always find a way. The school needs to trust parents to teach their children appropriate behaviour, and the parents should be setting the appropriate policy. Schools no doubt have the best of intentions. Thet’ve just missed the mark here.
>um, yeah, if the NEA ran the government……Oh WAIT! I think they just might.This is THE silliest, most stupid, most UNCONSTITUTIONAL policy I have ever heard of.I DARE my child’s school to try to enforce this on me. DARE. (you know, when I actually have kids! 😉
>Yuck is right. No parties for my kid with that policy.
>Oh my god. So, here’s a question… Who explains to my kids that they can’t have their friends at their birthday party because Mommy can’t afford to have their entire class? This policy is insane. And ridiculous. Ridiculous and insane.
>They can’t tell you who to have for a birthday party. They can refuse to let you distribute invitations through whatever means they use to communicate with parents, though. We only have a number of children equal to my child’s new age at parties. It’s never been a problem to contact parents directly to avoid hurting feelings by distributing invites via school. The fact is, it’s just rude to discuss party plans in ear shot of those not invited. A kid giving out invites in class or a mom sneaking invites into preschool bags isn’t much different, in my opinion.
>Lindsay – adding on to my previous comment after actually reading through comments. It looks like people have told you that this is policy at their schools, but that’s so fucked up that I have to wonder if the folks in question misunderstand their schools’ policies. I am on the board at my kids’ school, and, I’m here to tell you, people are generally overlook details. I spent my whole weekend dealing with smart people who couldn’t be bothered to read two lines of text explaining how one of our programs work. No public school can legally enforce a policy like you describe. If the folks go to private schools. They signed up for it. They can change it or move on. JMNSHO
>seriously, you do need to lighten up a bit and stop manufacturing issues. They’re little kids. Their feelings get hurt easily. I totally agree with the policy.
>Our school policy is that if you use the classroom mailboxes to hand out your invites you must invite everyone. If you mail/e-mail/call to invite they don’t care/can’t say anything.
>There are like 138 comments so I am not sure this will get read however, I keep reading that its ok to invite via snail mail, evite or anytime except during class in which case all classmates must be invited. So what happens when everyone is going except one or two kids but all the kids are talking about the party? Is talking about the party in class against policy too? This is just silly! No matter how hard you try someone gets their feelings hurt over these things. Its unavoidable! I missed lots of parties when I was kid. I feel just fine! I will teach my kids that there is no way you can friends with everyone and not everyone is going to invite you places. We have already deal with this issue in a playgroup. Everyone in our playgroup was invited to a child’s b-day party except me and my son. I have never been sure why? but I just figured that the mom felt her child was not close to mine or her and I did not hit off or maybe she forgot or whatever…am I hurt, nope! I am glad that our lives are not filled up with others b-day parties. It seriously, is on the verge of insanity—these b-day parties. We have a few that we are invited to and we have family (cousins) that have bday parties. It is enough for us. Thank God we do not get invited to every playgroup b-day party every school mates b-day party. I know moms who go to several bday parties a month! Crazy! It could easily add up to $100 bucks a month. anyway that’s my two cents!
>My fourth grader’s school has no such policy… if it did, we’d ignore it.
>My 7 year old daughter’s school has the Birthday Policy rule HIGHLY enforced, and I am in agreeance with you. It’s STOOPID, with a capital S.Last year, when deciding what to do for her 6th birthday party (birthday in June = parties in May if she wants to invite kids from her school class), I asked her who she would like to invite (before I found out about the BP), and she said “all the girls, and Stone, and that’s it. And don’t invite Nico, Mom. He mixes ketchup with honey mustard and eats his chicken with it, and that’s gross.” ‘Nuff said. THEN I was notified of the BP, and I knew I would have to invite the ketchup-and-honey mustard-mixing kid AND all of the rest of the boys REGARDLESS of the fact that my daughter didn’t want them there. We just decided to nix having a “school” birthday party. We went for a nice family/close friends-only party with a pinata and Polly Pocket craziness, and she was just as happy to be surrounded by people and kids she WANTED to be around instead of being forced to associate with “undesirables” in her class, such as poor Nico who just likes a little ketchup with his honey mustard.Am I teaching my daughter to treat everyone fairly? Yes, using every example outside the BP I can find. Do I think that she should be forced to hang out with people she doesn’t want to simply for the sake of being polite to everyone? No. The same kids whose parents enforce this, will be the same parents paying for therapy when thier kid is a teenager because they are trying so desperately to have everyone like them (i.e. be invited to everyone’s birthday party). I want my daughter to know that it’s okay if not everyone likes you and invites you to thier party. Just be yourself, and be around people that make you happy.
>I think I remember in kindergarten for one of my kids that it was OK to send invites to either all the girls or all the boys depending on if the party was specifically for a boy or a girl. Otherwise if they were having a party, they had to distribute invites through the mail. I didn’t read through all of the comments, but were they saying you absolutely could not have ANY kids from class at your party unless you invite them all? No one can force a parent to do that. What’s the district gonna do, suspend your kid? Personally, I hate the kid birthday party anyway. We let our kids have a few close friends over to do something special or we do something memorable as a family. My son just turned 11 on Sunday and we all went to see Blue Man Group. He didn’t need a bowling party or a lasar tag party. This was much more fun and memorable for him.