>Blotter fodder

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Did you ever wonder what happened to those hippie wannabes you knew from college? You know who I’m talking about- that granola coffee shop worker with the flowing hair and the long boho skirts. The soulful, guitar-playing pot smoker who lived downstairs and took you mud boggin’ one weekend. I’m pretty sure that all of these people graduated (or didn’t) and moved straight on to Durango, Colorado.

In a town where eight out of ten residents can and should be greeted as “Duuuuuude,” it didn’t take me long upon my arrival to realize that I simply did not fit in. In Durango, “designer” means Patagonia or The North Face; My cherished Burberry trenchcoat and Gucci slingbacks stuck out like a sore thumb.

Still, I tried to go with the flow. For one thing, I immediately abandoned my lipliner in favor of sheer lip gloss. The effect was decidedly more earthy, I thought, smacking my lips and batting my false eyelashes in the mirror. I also quickly learned the lingo used by the locals.

“Right on, let’s do some sick runs today at Purg,” I said to the girls on our second morning. They were soooo not impressed.

“Are you feeling okay?” my 15-year-old asked suspiciously.

“Shaaaa, right!” I replied. “No worries, chica!”

She sighed and shook her head.

Okay, I might not have been a Durangatan at heart, but no one there seemed to mind. It was nice to visit a town in which everyone seemed to have come from somewhere else. It was also nice to feel safe. Drinking is high on the list of Durango residents. Murder is not. That said, the local Police Blotter read like a gossip column and we eagerly read it aloud to each other every morning. I couldn’t let you guys miss out on this kind of entertainment, so here, for your reading pleasure, are highlights from Durango’s Police Blotter, March 20-26th. The editorial comments are my own.

Sunday

Someone, call for back up!

10:42 a.m.–A white and black dog was running toward East Third Avenue from Florida Road.

They weren’t 2T by any chance, were they?

11:09 a.m.– A man found a pile of children’s clothes at a hairpin turn next to trailhead in the 1500 block of County Road 310.

Let’s just hope they were empty…

2:35 p.m.– Several beer bottles fell from a truck that pulled up to talk to a man in the 3800 block of Main Avenue.

More proof that men don’t like bushes…

10:07 p.m.– A drunken man was stumbling in traffic and yelling at the bushes in the 500 block of Florida Road.

We looked for a drunken man walking with his arm out of its socket all week long. For some reason, it made us laugh.

1:08 a.m.– A drunken man was walking with his arm out of its socket at an apartment complex in the 1100 block of Florida Road.

10:47 a.m.– A seeing-eye dog was walking at Florida Road and East Third Avenue without its owner.

12:53 a.m.– A 19-year-old man was so drunk he could not walk or function in the 1000 block of Rim Drive.

1:12 a.m.–A man’s bike was stolen. Then he found it in the 900 block of East Fourth Avenue, and he took it back.

Monday

Mission Impossible 4?

3:23 a.m.– An employee at Detox at 3801 Main Ave. said a client used a fingernail clipper to try to unscrew the vent and escape from the Quiet Room.

4:16 a.m.– The same man at Detox unscrewed the toilet and was moving it around the Quiet Room.

8:43 p.m.– A caller was suspicious of a car owner switching lights on and off and driving with the back door open. The car was around the back of the J.C. Penney at 800 South Camino del Rio.

Tuesday

Well, he deserves to be arrested by the fashion police, anyway…

5:09 p.m. A man in the 2000 block of Junction Street said he was chased by a man in a purple jacket and black pants.

Wednesday

Okay, when you call to report roosters at 4:51am, you reallllly need to get a life…

4:51 a.m. A man discovered two roosters in his backyard in the 2300 block of Hermosa Avenue.

3:09 p.m. A woman from the 600 block of East Seventh Avenue said her soon-to-be ex-husband continues to harass her with phone calls.

Hey. Someone’s gotta do it.

5:35 p.m.– An intoxicated man was staggering around the 200 block of East Eighth Avenue, near Sonic. He was walking into traffic, telling drivers to slow down.

6:22 p.m.– A man driving near Eighth Street and Main Avenue was suspected of smoking marijuana. It is a frequent problem.

Thursday

Did we really need to know this?

8:57 a.m.– A black Lab was eating a dead deer at Ridge Road and County Road 142.

But was he in the accident? Or was he just another drunk pedestrian?

7:29 a.m.– Several vehicles were involved in an accident in the 1300 block of South Camino del Rio, by Home Depot. Medics were on site and onlookers saw a man limping.

2:36 p.m.–An employee at the Brookside Motel at 2331 Main Ave. said people were putting mattresses under a Spruce Tree South of the hotel in order to sleep there.

Friday

I’m not sure why, but this reminds me of a Scooby Doo episode…

6:26 p.m.– A man said that a man with gray hair and a plaid shirt threatened him and chased him from the forest at Windsong Lane in the 45000 block of U.S. Highway 160.

How dare he not offer her one?!

11:14 p.m.– A woman at Whispering Pines in the 34000 block of U.S. Highway 550, north of Durango, said a man in a red Dodge pickup was drinking beer in his vehicle outside her apartment.

Saturday

2:12 p.m.– Someone dined and dashed, to the tune of $68, at Applebee’s, 801 Camino del Rio.

3:22 p.m.– Four motorcycles were popping wheelies and weaving around traffic in the 28000 block of U.S. Highway 160, near Grandview.

Zorro in Durango?

3:47 p.m.– Someone took a paintbrush and splashed paint all over a man’s shed in the 31000 block of U.S. Highway 550. The vandal wrote the letter ‘Z’ many times and ripped plants out of the ground.

8:19 p.m.– The driver of a Toyota Camry, last seen turning into Wal-Mart, was tossing cigarettes out the window.

AWEsome.

2:43 p.m.– A television exploded in the east 400 block of 10th Street.

But what kind of pie?

7:41 p.m.– A man who sounded intoxicated said something was on fire in an oven in the 800 block of East 32nd Street. He said he could see the flames. It was a pie.

Is this even possible?

10:13 p.m.– An 18-year-old man locked himself in a car in a parking lot in the 1100 block of Camino del Rio.

All week long, we tried to make it into the blotter ourselves, staging loud arguments on street corners, flashing our brights at oncoming drivers, even loudly singing “We’re from Tennessee” and dancing a hoedown one night as we walked home from dinner. Alas, in this respect, we were shut out by the otherwise friendly locals. There seems to be an unwritten rule that tourists are not allowed admittance into the blotter. Damn.

I discovered today, though, that we weren’t the only ones laughing each morning. The Durango Herald actually publishes an annual “Best of the Blotter” every year, complete with illustrations. There’s even a link to an aria about the blotter sung by a local music professor. You can see it all for yourself, as well as today’s blotter, here. I know I’m going to be checking in regularly just to keep an eye on Durango’s exploding TVs, stray dogs and drunks with dislocated shoulders.