>Googlers Beware!
>March simply can’t come to a close without another installment of….
Lucinda’s Advice Column
You’re a sick Googler. And you must pay.
The sound pubic hair makes hitting the floor- Toledo, OH
What the fuck. Next.
Moms pubic hair- Mattoon, IL
Hmm. You’ve got to be having major trouble finding a girlfriend…
No pubes group- Largo, FL
Must be the X-rated version of the Blue Man Group. I could totally see this show being a hit in Vegas.
The secret lives of suburban stoners- Tampa, FL
Well if I told you about it, it wouldn’t be a secret, now would it?
Official narcissist stepmother- Fremont, CA
Okay, okay. It’s time I let the cat out of the bag. I recently went through a two-week training course to become the official narcissist stepmother in my neighborhood. You should be receiving your first newsletter, Aren’t I Lovely, some time in the next week.
Show directions of Lisa Rinna’s haircut- Pigeon, MI
*sigh* Okay. I’ve been over this before, but I’m here to help, so let’s go over it one more freakin’ time.
Step 1: This is what you ask for at the salon.
Step 2: This is what happens to your hair (and Lisa’s) five minutes after it’s been styled. No wonder Lisa has a gun. I’d go after my hairdresser, too.
Step 3: This, my friend, is what you look like the next morning and every morning until the damn things grows out. Trust me on this one.
90-pound suburban housewife- Stamford, CT
As I sit here on my sofa trying to think of what to write about a 90-pound suburban housewife (the words “knuckle sandwich” spring to mind), I just tried to empty the dregs of a bag of potato chips into my mouth and ended up dumping them down the front of my shirt. Seriously. There’s something poetic about this situation, but I’m too tired to go there.
Women wearing freakishly small bras- Old Saybrook, CT
Picture of Lindsay Lohan pooping her diaper- Anchorage, AL
There’s nothing I could write that would do justice to either of these searchers.
Should I admit affair- London, England
I’ll let you guys answer this one.
>Hahah! Perfection!Though I was kinda fond of my recent “what would happen if the whole world farted at once” from Alberta. Oh, those silly Canadians.
>The scary thing I’ve now learned (the hard way) is that posting all of the pornographic google hits I get has only lead more of the pervs to my site. I think I’m now msn search’s #2 hit for “hot mom porn.” I’m also getting hits for “bangladeshi advil,” “weird diaper sightings” and “when your mom looks like bitch.” Yeah.
>Sorry you must have gotten my husband’s search for me.”women wearing freakishly small bras”
>Your homage to Lisa Rinna cracked me up!! She is scary. Poor Harry. He must close his eyes during…And, no. Don’t admit to the affair Mr. in the U.K.
>and then some of us find you by clicking through our own blogs out into the rest of the world and somehow, against all odds, landing on something funny and very readable.staying on topic, let me add that while i’ve had both the joy of getting a hit from someone looking for ‘hot vomit’ i’ve also had the misfortune of getting some aol member searching for ‘nude kids’.
>So, my hair has totally done that! Lisa can i borrow your gun!I love your advice column-it makes me laughs so freakin hard…I gotta pee…
>”Picture of Lindsay Lohan pooping her diaper.”I peed a little when I read that.
>Poor Lisa Rinna…not. I always love it when you included a little LR.
>haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>OH MY GOD. i KNOW! googlers are freaks sometimes. wow.i say yes, admit affair. but i also say where the HELL did you get that sim-looking pic? oh my god. it killed me.
>I love that “What would happen if the whole world farted?” Gosh, I wish I’d gotten that one.The computer image came from a Google Image search of “bad hair day.” It was too perfect. 🙂
>I was the number one Google hit for a while for “Russian skater wardrobe malfunction”. Those were sweet days. I’m unsearchable again now, but every now and then, one slips through for something really exciting like “laura”.
>Oh dear God. I got “sister tricked sex,” today and I’m wondering if the person googling was a sister or a brother….yikes!
>To be honest, I didn’t notice Lisa Rinna’s hair. Or care.
>I am always laughing my ass off on your posts like this! This should really be a trend, all bloggers should do a monthly update on weird googlers.I recently got “sperm stains on toilet seats”. Seriously…sperm stains?
>hehehehe, I have no idea how to turn on this feature on my blog, I am a computer dummie. I don’t know who is searching for what and then accidently lands on my boring blog. BUT, it doesn’t matter, because as long as I check in on Lucinda’s blog and then read everybody’s comments I am up to date on all the wierdos who are on the web with me!On a totally different subject. One time I was reading somebody’s blog, God, don’t ask me who’s, and they had a link for the WIERDEST site. It was about guys who like to wear old fashioned petticoats. And then had pictures of them all dressed up. It was scary and like a train wreck, I couldn’t stop looking at it, but was repulsed all at the same time. GREAT, now you’ll probably get a hit for some wierdo looking for guys in petticoats. Sorry. 🙂
>OMGosh, the Lisa Rinna thread is SO HILARIOUS____I showed my hubby and nearly fell off the chair! THANK YOU for giving me the gift of a good laugh :-)C
>lol, i can’t get over that step 3, that is hilarious.
>My #1 seach? People looking for pictures of Timothy “Grizzly Man” Treadwell’s mangled body – I got hundreds of them, all searching “coroner photos timothy treadwell”.I put up a post calling them a bunch of fucktards and telling them to go away.
>There was almost a picture of Jess Riley pooping her diaper after reading this post. Seriously. I needed that laugh. (Kristen’s comment–hahahah!)
>Hi. I just found your blog when I googled Patootie Meme and you are SO SO funny! ROFLMA!(missed you, lovely Lucinda. And truth be told- I DID laugh harder than I have in a while thinking about you all reading the police blotter each day in Durango.)
>I’m feeling very conflicted here. I want to be a good person and yet, I really, really want to post a picture of Lisa Rinna from high school. I’ve known her since about second grade. (Picture me biting my nails.) I’ll consult with an astrologer or something and get back to you.
>i still feel sorry for lisa rhinna. because you know she comes here to see if you’ve posted anything new. as for the londoner, just admit the affair and get it over with.
>LOL!! You always keep me smiling!Thanks!!LBC
>ROFL!I actually just got a hit for directions on Lisa Rinna’s cut! And, “What did 1860 bathing suits look like?” I have NO clue on that one. And yes – I know that Lisa Rinna cut. My hair looked AWFUL after sleeping. And unless you have some stiff ass hairspray and a huge coat of pomade, forget keeping the ‘do (at least for my fine hair).
>What a bunch o’ freaks! I love your Google posts, Lu.
>Wendy, I can’t believe you know LR. So you actually remember what her lips used to look like! I’m jealous. You really should share the picture with good friends like me ;)Lisa, I’m so glad you admitted your Rinna haircut was no success. I’ve mentioned before here that every woman in my neighborhood has gotten this cut. I’ve decided it’s the married woman’s “Rachel”. I get so many searches for pictures of Lisa Rinna’s hair, it’s crazy. I can only hope that warnings like mine are saving thousands of women from months and months of bad hair days!
>Good God. That last picture is going to give me nightmares for a month. I got it confused, and was seeing it as both the hair in the morning AND a caption for 90 pound housewife. Now I will have angry nightmares that will induce an eating disorder.Awesome.
>That Lisa Rinna woman freaks me out. Whenever I see her on television, I literally jimp back into my seat. I’ve never seen anyone’s lips injected with so much ass fat! How does she eat without drooling? And don’t they look they’re going to explode or fall off any minute? What will she do then? Ugh…gross!
>THIS is hilarious. And I’ll be there with brass rings for the knucklesandwich on the 90 pounder.My consistent Google is: “Naked Princess Zelda pictures.”Say what?
>Oh jeez…some people have serious issues! And your blog attracts these people…hmmm…lucky you! 😛
>LOLOL Love the secret lives of suburban stoners!Is that the sequel to Desperate Housewives?
>Poetry….poetry…..Hm…She had a big bag of chips,Couldn’t get them ‘tween her lips.She poured the old sackRight down her fine rack,And the rest all went on her hips.Poetry…poetry….Hm…
>Ha!Perfect!You really made me smile today. Thanks!
>where were you a month or so ago with these Lucinda? I would so be sending you a pile of junk right about now. I would still like to send you a CD.
>Dutch, these are all new. I save up my best from each month and ta da. My advice column. Too bad I didn’t have these during your contest, huh? And yes, you should send me a CD, provided it’s not “Looking For…: Best of David Hasselhoff [IMPORT].” I already have that one.Hoss, I would totally stalk you if you lived in my town. Just so you’re aware of that.
>My favorite one has been “mysmalltown resident prostitute” – from a University of Michigan student (five miles away). Seriously, some college student is expecting to find a web ad for a hooker?And if you *ever* mention petticoats, you will get a steady trickle of fetishists looking for things like “bad boy petticoated husbands”.
>YOU’RE the official narcissist stepmother??!! I thought that was my title. DAMN YOU and your magnificent talen, LUCINDA, DAMN. YOU!
>Should it bother me that I got one for ‘preteen boys tinkle underpants’??lol, great post…
>ugh, why would anyone want Lisa Rinna’s haircut – it looks like it got caught in a weedwhacker!
>pray about the affair. lisa rhinna did some fine work on melrose place season 500. pray for lisa.