>Competiparenting: Behind the Scene
>Once again, I missed the boat.
Punky’s about to turn three and while all her friends are smugly signed up for preschool this fall, I naively thought I had all the time in the world to decide when, where and if she’d be attending… and now, unless I’m willing to send her to Mrs. Fanny Jo’s Tender Totz conveniently located behind our local Wendy’s, it’s too late.
From what I can gather, I’ve been blackballed from the Secret Society of Parents. While they get regular memos explaining when to enroll their kids in preschool, where the best dance lessons are taught and how to potty train their toddlers in a matter of weeks instead of months, I’m left in the dark, blindly groping for answers, always one step behind everyone else.
It didn’t matter so much when the stakes were merely Gymboree vs. Kindermusik, but preschool? Preschool is serious. I shared my alarming discoveries in this week’s Suburban Turmoil column in the Nashville Scene and was shocked, shocked at what parents are doing (even normal parents, like some of my neighbors) to make sure their Preshius Punkins are enrolled in the Right Preschool.
Here’s the full text of the column.
Competiparents: preschool edition
“I decided to enroll Jason in preschool this fall,” my friend Becky told me a few weeks ago. “I got up at 3:30…”
“In the morning?” I interrupted. She nodded.
“I had gotten word that it was a good idea to get there early,” she said, raising one eyebrow. “Real early. Anyway, when I got there at 4:30, it was 19 degrees outside and there was already a line. The first guy had been there since 10:00 the night before. The second guy had gotten there at 1:30. And I was almost too late. The guy behind me was waitlisted.”
I frowned. This was the kind of story I’d expect to play out at some posh preschool in Manhattan or Malibu- certainly not outside my neighborhood Baptist church.
“So where are you sending your daughter in the fall?” Becky asked.
“We’re still, uh, researching our options,” I answered lamely. So far, that research had consisted of watching Kindergarten Cop one afternoon on cable TV, but Becky didn’t need to know that. The next day, I looked up a Montessori center in the phone book and dialed the number. I didn’t actually know what Montessori was, but it sounded good.
“I want to enroll my three-year-old in your program this fall,” I said. “Do you have any openings?” The woman on the other end of the line chuckled at my ignorance.
“No,” she said. “We’re only expecting five openings for fall and there’s a waiting list for those.”
“And how long is the waiting list?”
“Right now, there are 70 people on it.”
“Shit. I mean, thank you,” I said, hanging up. I got the same answer at every other preschool I called. Waiting list. Waiting list. Waiting list.
I was so screwed.
Befuddled, I e-mailed a mom I know who had once handled admissions at one of Nashville’s most sought-after preschools. Was there, I wondered, some sort of widespread parent plague that turns them from sappy, happy baby wearers to rabid Competiparents by the time Junior reaches three? According to her, I didn’t know the half of it.
“I’ve received 9-page, typed applications describing how precocious people’s children were, letters of recommendation from Nashville bigwigs on behalf of a three-year-old, and boxes of gourmet desserts accompanying applications,” she wrote. “On the opposite end of the process, I’ve had conversations in which fathers promised not to allow their wives on campus if we’d just let their child enroll, parents in tears over being waitlisted and one father who promised to include me in a book he claimed to be writing about the injustices of the private school admission process unless I admitted his child. I never did get a copy of that book.”
Wonderful. In this season of Survivor: Preschool Island, it looked like I would be the contestant who couldn’t light a fire, ate too many of the tribe’s bananas and was sent packing on the very first episode.
“Why are you so freaked out about this?” Hubs asked as I read the e-mail back to him. “Put her in Metro’s gifted program. It starts at age three and both of the older girls did it.”
“That’s a great idea!” I said, relieved. “That will be so much easier.” I called the program’s coordinator, who promised to send me a packet of information that day.
“Once you fill out the forms and send them back,” she said, “we’ll assign your daughter’s case to a psychologist for review.”
I hung up, dismayed. A psychologist? What the heck would my three-year-old have to say to a psychologist? I imagined her squirming on a couch while a Freudish-looking man sat before her, taking notes.
“What is your earliest memory?” he’d ask in a thick accent, adjusting his round spectacles.
“My renembery?” she’d answer. “Mmm, I renember… lollipops?”
He’d frown.
“Mmmm, maybe… horses!”
He’d shake his head.
“Pee pee!” She’d shout, cackling at her own remarkable wit. “Pee pee, poo poo, pee pee, poo poo! Ha ha ha ha!”
Clearly, it was time for the left side of my brain to take over. After all, I had something most other young parents don’t: teenagers. Every day, I watch both of my stepdaughters get up way too early every morning, spend eight hours at school, come home exhausted, do mountains of homework and ridiculous projects involving Styrofoam pyramids and shoebox dioramas, eat, and go to bed.
The school system already had taken my two older girls away; why, then, was I in such a rush to hand over another one? In a couple of years, she’d have to go to school, whether I liked it or not.
With that in mind, it looks like preschool is definitely out. I’ll still fill out the mountain of forms sent to me by Metro (although the questions asking whether she plays chess or enjoys almanacs make my scalp itch); its pre-K gifted program is mercifully only one day a week. But if she doesn’t get in, so be it.
Of course, if your child is accepted and mine isn’t? Don’t expect me to speak to you ever again.
>Ooooooh. Funny! I can relate. My son just turned 3.I overheard some Moms talking preschool at the library in late January. I freaked. Went home & started making phonecalls the next day. I had already missed some open houses, but elbowed my way in for visits at some of the ones they were buzzing about at the library.We paid our registration fee at one of the two places I liked, and I figured we’d be wait-listed. Miracle of miracles. We got a postcard that he’s IN. Phew. Two mornings/week, starting in the fall. No chess. No psychological testing. That we know of. But there will be a home visit, which my husband is already scratching his head about… Now to get him out of diapers by then.Can you believe your sweet Punky is at this age already? Man oh man. Sounds like you’ve got a great playgroup & that she gets lots of socializing already– she’ll do great no matter what.
>It’s times like these that I am SO glad I’m too poor to have to compete with people about stupid things like preschool. 😉 I suppose I’d just smugly say, “I’m homeschooling” if I ever had to deal with it.
>TG I didn’t have to deal with that!Sunshine went to a daycare center so that was all taken care of. NB still lived with his BioMom in PreK, so he went to Headstart Program.Looking back, my younger brother was the only one of us three that went to preschool. and he failed kindergarten and my older bro and I were both in Gifted programs, so PreK isn’t really guaranteed intelligence. It does help them get ready for the school setting, though. Sunshine was one of the only kids in her class that didn’t bawl her first day of school. And her teacher said she needed no adjustment time and made friends really easily. I love your response, Ivy! Sometimes Lack of Money is a blessing! 😉 I know.
>Ahhh yes, I too missed the boat on preschool with my oldest. I jumped on a new boat though. You see everyone was raving about “this” preschool. You had to sign up in September the year before. Well I surely didn’t think my angel was ready so I waited and low and behold I called and was waitlisted. So I went online and googled some stuff, found a preschool closer to my home that my dd fell in love with. She went there for 2 years of preschool and loved every minute. All of my “friends” that got their angels in the “THE” preschool, didn’t sign up a second year and had to look elsewhere. Ohhh, too bad….So you didn’t miss the boat, you just might want to find another boat.
>Preschool? I am just hoping that Grace learns enough at regular day care to make it in the real world! 🙂 And if you could find those tips on potty-training, that’d be great!!!!
>I never sent my son to proper preschool, but I did enroll him in a once-a-week preschool-ish class at the community center for a few months. It was the most affordable option and it seemed sufficient. Now my kiddo is in kindergarten and is doing great. I think the need for preschool depends on the kid, and I never understood why people started their kids in preschool at age three anyway. Maybe age four, but three? I wanted to keep my kid all to myself before turning him over to the school system. ;^)
>Oh, I completely understand. I have a three-almost-four year old son who has been going to preschool. But this summer we’re moving to a new city. Everyone is freaking out on my behalf about how I have to start researching NOW so that I can get him into the best preschool. The best preschool? Seriously? Because, of course, he’ll be ruined forever if he doesn’t get into the best preschool? I haven’t even begun to look into it, by the way. I’ll probably wait until I get there and see what has an opening.
>We have parents camp out overnight to make sure their kids get a spot in the right preschool. I have 3 years but I already have my eye on a particular school myself.
>That was too funny. My advice is check out the local churches alot of them should offer preschool. My son who is three will go to the play and learn in the fall, two mornings a week. Then the following year three days a week. My daughter who is 6 attended the one he will be going to , we realy liked it. They did field trips, one cooking class per month and lots of arts and crafts. Even if you missed the open house some of them will let you come in during a class to observe, that is what we did. Best of luck, she is too cute!!
>I’ve always planned on homeschooling, so preschool wasn’t an issue. But 2.5 years ago, I started working full time. I figured I’d be back at home by the time school-age rolled around. We are now a mere 5 months away from school-age. We are still planning for me to be a SAHM by then, and therefore I can homeschool, but just in case, I signed up ds for some local charter school lotteries. I barely got his name in 2 days before several of them closed, and I missed one by several months.
>This was my favorite part:”The school system already had taken my two older girls away. Why, then, was I in such a rush to hand over another one?”So true. …And yet, I found a preschool willing to take my then two-year-old for two days a week. It’s not like you describe, but she is learning to recogonize and write her name. (still a little shocked at how unnatural that sounds). They mostly play and learn to follow directions. She thinks it’s a riot.
>I don’t remember my parents queuing up outside the preschool at 4:30 in the morning in Manhattan to get me into preschool. That seemed really odd to me. As I recall, we had an appointment. But really, what do I remember. I was only 2.
>I have to admit, I got the memo from the “the Secret Society of Parents”. There are 2 preschools in town that are “the best”. I really wanted G. to get in the one closer to home. I made my husband sleep in the parking lot last year to get him in the Toddler class. He got there around midnight after we went to a concert. He thought I was insane at the time, but for some reason didn’t argue. This year I told him no big deal, we get to register on the 1st day since he is already in! Um yea, he got there at 6:30 am and was the 30th parent on the list. Thankfully we got in the MW two year old class. For those who didn’t get their kid in the Toddler class last year or have an older sibling, no two year old slots left by the end of the day. I won’t even go into the older classes.Sigh, you may all call me crazy now. I know you are thinking it.
>When I lived in New York, I was a personal assistant to one of the wealthy, elite, Park Avenue women that make chick lit fodder. She adored my son (probably because she didn’t have to take care of him and he’s so sweet he’d give her good cuddles every time he saw her), and wanted to help me get him into a prestigious preschool. She was a firm believer in getting kids onto the Ivy League track by age two. I was a little horrified at the thought of what it would take to get him in, not to mention how much tuition costs. Also, I had terrifying fantasies of showing up to drop off my son, wearing my usual wash n’ wear cotton clothes and carrying my no-name handbag, and finding myself next to women in their pret-a-porter carrying Chloe bags. Fortunately we moved before this became a (very) serious issue.We’d always planned to homeschool our son (something I never got the nerve up to mention to my former boss, then again I wasn’t sure she could really get our son into one of those high end preschools), but when we moved to Nashville, I called the wife of one of Bob’s colleagues to talk about preschools. They’ve never managed to get all their kids in the same school the same year! So she races their 3 around to different schools every morning, can you believe it? I made half hearted calls to some of the schools she recommended, but mostly because I knew she’d ask about it later. I couldn’t fathom paying $5K a semester for him to spend two mornings a week singing songs. (I might pay someone $5K to potty train him and make it possible to take him out in public without strapping him down, but that’s another story.) As far as outrageous lengths, I know that my old boss made at least quarterly donations of $75K to her daughter’s tony middle school, and annual donations in the mid six figures to their Ivy League university of choice, where she and all her older children went.
>I don’t get it. Why is everyone in such a rush to hand over their children? Are they that horrible? (No, I don’t really think they are.) If you’re going to be a SAHM anyway, why send Baby to preschool? I understand the need for a break once in a while (Believe me, I understand!), but you could get that from a helpful family member, hired sitter, or Mom’s Day Out program.If you’re just worried about how Baby will learn all she needs to in order to keep up with all the other three-year-olds, well, what is there that you can’t teach a three-year-old yourself? You’re an intelligent and educated woman, why can’t you teach her whatever it is you want her to know before kindergarten? You could teach her beyond preschool if you wanted, but that’s a decision for another day. Wouldn’t Baby benefit much more from one on one instruction and interaction with her own mother who loves her more than any preschool teacher ever could? You can do this! The question is do you *want* to? If that’s not what you want to do, that doesn’t make you a worse mother, but knowing that you *can* do it gives you a choice. You do not have to do what “everyone” (and it’s really not everyone) else is doing. You can even choose whichever educational method and academic program you like, just like you would choose a private preschool. Montessori sounds cool? Get a book and find out what they’re method is all about. There is so much information available out there.I bet you’d be great at it! And think of the memories that you and Baby and Bruiser will have of those early years together–baking cookies, making messes, reading books, taking nature walks, going to play days at the park (socialization, don’t ya know), and visiting museums. There is so much you have to offer that no preschool can offer–especially not to a whole class full of kids–that really *they* should be jealous of *you*.
>A friend of mine teaches at a swanky private high school, and she says the parents of the students there have been wrangling to get their kids into the “right” school since pre-school. The weird thing is that the “right” school is not necessarily the one where the child will learn the most, but rather the one where they will network with other rich kids. Soemtimes the schools that offer the best education are not the rich, swanky ones.My friend did not send her kids to the high school she worked at. She said she didn’t want them hanging out with that crowd.
>Oh boy, I know of what you speak. When I lived in Murfreesboro there were mile-long waitlists at all the Right Preschools in town. I was lucky to get my daughter in one of them with little effort. I simply put her on a few different waitlists about six months before the fall session started and miraculously I got a call right before classes started and was told she had cleared the list at one of the Baptist church preschools in town. Only one problem — she had to be completely potty trained! So I had like one week to achieve that, and somehow did. The city we live in now is not nearly as competitive as far as preschools go so I was easily able to get my 3 y.o. son in one with nary a waitlist.I think Punky will be fine with no preschool. Honestly, it’s more for the parents. 🙂
>I went to a little preschool run by our church one day a week. The “teachers” were volunteer church ladies.I also made straight A’s in high school and went to a private college on a full academic scholarship.
>Alright, I’m like you so no great lengths here. BUT, last year on a whim in August, I called the preschool here that people just love and asked if they had any openings for three year olds. I did it to appease myself just to say, “Hey, I tried” to those prissy moms who sign their three year olds up for french lessons. Lo and behold, there were many openings and I didn’t even have to stand in the line to register her at 4 am in January. Reason? As of Aug 1, those parents who did stand in line at an unGodly hour had to call in and report if little Sunshine was potty trained or not (they sign up and pay with their fingers crossed that it will happen) and if she’s not, they have to drop out and my little potty pissing princess stole their spot, from the comfort of my couch. Try it, it just might work for you 🙂
>Funny.I just blogged about the same thing. I was supposed to enrol LAST MAY .. but no-one told me this.Now i’ll be in the “Lil Stinkers Pre-School for Kids with Bad Parents”.Or defer a year. I have no idea.New territory. No-one holding my hand.Bleah.
>Personally, I don’t think children should be going to any organized event (like preschool) until they’re 6 or so. They will do a lot better experimenting by themselves instead of doing a group-think.
>Oh oh! I know..You should unschool her. :PI’m pro-preschool, but it doesn’t have to be “the best.” Just get them in a classroom setting where they can learn what is right and wrong in a classroom – will help for Kindergarten.
>At our local kindy (the US equivalent of preschool) we had people camping out the afternoon before for spots – not just the night before, but the afternoon before – for the 2009 school year. Can you spell insane?Then again, we have parents who sign their kids up for the prestigious secondary schools mere hours after the birth, so what do I know?The Toddler – who will be 4 this year – started at a program run by a day care and she’s very happy to just be around other kids two days a week.
>I loved the dialogue between Punky and the psychologists. So funny.It’s not quite as bad as that here. There are all sorts of application deadlines, but in the end everyone finds a spot at a school they like, if they want it. The bigger issue is money. How much do you want to pay.You’ll find something in the end in time, if you want. Sounds like that Gifted program is a little precocious itself.Be well, Lindsey. Find a good mommy’s helper (someone young to play with Punky and keep her happy) if you need it. That will do the trick.
>The preschool rat race is ridiculous. I am lucky to live in an area that doesn’t have many “private” or “prissy” schools anyway, but still the competitiveness is there. You will always run into that mom at the park who says “ooooh, well my kid goes heeeeeere” like I even care.Punky is so cute, btw!Carrie
>I feel the same way so many times, like, how did everyone else know way before I did to get their kids signed up for something.I did do some major string pulling when I found out that my youngest needed speech therapy. When I called the best therapist, she said she couldn’t take anymore clients, she was full. This therapist is friends and a neighbor of a good friend of mine. i pulled that string, and miraculously or not, she had room for my daughter.
>Now you know…this happens only once and then you learn your lesson and get on the school board and control registration so that Baby Bruiser will be a shoe in without your having to sleep on the sidewalk in front of the school the night before sign-up. Also, once you have a child in a preschool, the younger sibling should get pre-registration status automatically. You can tell that I’ve navigated these waters already.
>You know what? I didn’t go to preschool, pre-k or pre anything, and I’m brilliant. Don’t sweat it. ;)~Amalia~
>phew..it is at this point I am so very happy I live in the boonies. There are 2 or 3 pre schools to choose from, followed by 1 public school and a couple of private. And there is no wait list, or interview process. Just a bunch of 3 yr olds learning to be social, you can even register them AFTER the first day of school…imagine.
>Lindsey,I would love to have you do a piece on private schools for gifted children (elementary) that cost $10K and more! Biomom has enrolled stepdaughter in this without consulting us and is charging us for half! The thought of paying that much for ELEMENTARY school is ridiculous!!! I don’t care how gifted the child is. What do you think?
>We used to live in Los Angeles and I had my son on the waiting list for the preschool before he was born…that’s right… they accepted an application from an in-utero student and ONLY because I had briefly dated the director’s son in high school and it had ended amicably.
>Just another thing that makes me happy about my decision to homeschool. My 3 year old is learning everything she needs to know from me, and she’s pickin up on reading and writing very quickly just by hanging out while I school her older brother. I can’t imagine sending her off somewhere to learn without me. I guess I”m safe from the problems of findin a good school as well.
>Just another thing that makes me happy about my decision to homeschool. My 3 year old is learning everything she needs to know from me, and she’s pickin up on reading and writing very quickly just by hanging out while I school her older brother. I can’t imagine sending her off somewhere to learn without me. I guess I”m safe from the problems of findin a good school as well.
>Here in SC, there are 2 schools that are “the best”…but no one mentions the fact that they’re the ONLY two schools in the city that are certified by NAEYC!! That’s a big deal with me being a former teacher. I don’t want just any yahoo dealing with my kid. The other big deciding factor for me was it HAD HAD HAD to be a “play based” curriculum. Meaning, I don’t want my boy being forced to learn things he’s not ready for. Like multiplication!! LOL Everything he does for those 3 hrs/2x wk is done thru play..dress-up, activity room, finger painting…all while my “only child” learns what life is like with other children around.Thankfully, I’ve got friends with older children who let me in on the secret memo! There was no waiting in line at 4am, just turning in paperwork with him being accepted right away. NO WAY I’d wait camp outside! Good luck!
>My son is waitlisted at our own church’s preschool program. I guess my hubby didn’t get there earlier enough in the morning! My daughter went to preschool and Kindergarten at out church’s school and I about cried when I found out my son didn’t get in for the fall. But, I’m not sweatin’ too much. I’ll either find something else or he’ll just home with me for another year and there’s really nothing wrong with that.
>Morning! When my kiddos were little pre-school wasn’t the norm. We waited til they turned 5 and sent them on to kindergarten. Boy, only 37 and that sentence made me feel old…”when my kids were little”, sheesh! I gotta go and find the Metamucil now. dawn
>I was in Montessori when I was a kid and according to my parents, loved it. My son didn’t go anywhere until kindergarten. With my daughter, I drove past a church which was on the way to where my son was going to school. I walked in, talked to the director/teacher, watched the kids, signed her up. She was just turning 3. She loves it and it’s been great for her.In reality, I’m with the people who question why kids need preschool at all. Pick up The Mommy Manual by Barbara Curtis – there’s all sorts of cool things to do with preschoolers (she was a Montessori teacher). I wouldn’t have my daughter in preschool at all if she hadn’t needed some stability. This last year has been pretty chaotic for my family because of my health problems. In fact, that’s why my son is in kindergarten, too! I’m not even sure I’ll send her back next year. Since I’d wanted to homeschool, but that doesn’t look like a possibility for me, I want my babies at home as long as possible! No one will love them like I do and love is what preschoolers need more than academics. But, I do think sometimes moms need a break (especially with a new baby in the house – I have a 16 month old, too), so a one- or two-morning-a-week deal is sometimes a lifesaver!
>The Bellevue Wendy’s is scary enough in itself, but that mobile home-looking tin-can child care place behind it? Brrrr. Too funny!
>I put my oldest into preschool for four months before he even turned three. He was driving me crazy and I wanted a break! Now I’m homeschooling three kids and never get a break. It’s great! Congratulations on your new baby! You’re making me baby hungry and I didn’t think that was possible!
>Don’t sweat the small stuff. My #1 had issues at one school – I was working there a couple mornings a week. I called the public school and lo and behold they had one spot – in April no less! I dropped him in and he had no more issues. The RIGHT school isn’t necessarily the right school… I now teach at a hoity toity private school. There is no way in heck I’d send either one of my children there – regardless of the price. Public school is fine. The kids get a good education. They go to the college to their choice. They become productive members of society. Need anything else? I don’t think so…LBC
>I used to work in the admissions office of one of those swanky Manhattan private schools. It’s not as bad from the inside as it appears from the outside. Or at least, not once you get over the idea of applications and testing and tours and interviews and playgroup assessments for 2, 3, and 4 year olds. That and the $25k tuition for Kindergarten.