>Eighties Ladies
>It must be snowing in hell.
Because I have heard words come from my stepdaughters’ mouths that were not meant to be uttered in my lifetime.
“If I could live in any decade, it would have to be the eighties,” my 15-year-old said wistfully while we were riding in the car.
“The eighties? I said “The 1880s?”
“No! The 1980s, of course!” 15 said, crossing one legwarmered shin over the other and turning up the volume on her iPod so that I could plainly hear A-Ha’s “Take On Me” reverberating off her damaged eardrums.
“What about you, 12?” I said, after forcibly shutting my gaping jaw with my palm.
“Ummmm….” She twirled her side ponytail thoughtfully. “The eighties. Definitely the eighties.”
I don’t know why I was so surprised. The warning signs were right beneath my nose. This season’s Christmas haul included “The Breakfast Club” on DVD, the “Pretty in Pink” soundtrack and a bubble skirt. A fucking bubble skirt.
Inexplicably, my stepdaughters are trying to recreate for themselves one of the most embarrassing decades in recent history (I say “one” because judging from the photos of my husband wearing a wife beater, silky short shorts and a sad attempt at a white-man-fro, the seventies may in fact have been worse).
But the more I think about their penchant for all things eighties, the more I get it.
While my childhood played out alongside Rio dancing on the sand, Michael Jackson telling bad guys to beat it and Madonna fueling my dreams of one day becoming a Material Girl, the girls haven’t been so lucky. Their memories of school dances, soccer championships and first loves are paired with an unlikely soundtrack of songs about lovely lady lumps, taking X in da club, and showing off their goodies.
I could relate to the music of my youth. But I’m pretty sure the girls won’t ever feel a need to drop it like it’s hot when da pimp’s in da crib.
And if they do, they’re so grounded.
So in that respect, their decision to explore the tacky splendor of the 80s makes sense. To them, it’s a world where reality is distilled to three distinct groups of jocks, preps and nerds. Polka dots and Molly Ringwald rule. Hats and gloves (to which they’ve always been partial) are hot. So are the Coreys Haim and (eeg.) Feldman.
I don’t have the heart to tell the girls that thoughts of the eighties induce nausea in most of us who actually lived through them. For one thing, I’m pretty sure that my hairspraying habits are responsible for a large hole in the ozone layer. And in the spirit of full disclosure, I’ll also admit that my copy of the Valley Girl Handbook eventually disintegrated after I thumbed through it a good thousand times (I just tried to find a new copy online, but apparently they’ve all been burned). The girls don’t need to know about all of my mistakes.
No, for now, I’m going to silently suffer through their pale blue eyeshadow, their off-the-shoulder sweatshirts and their love for the quaint games of Pac-Man and Donkey Kong. Because when I consider the alternative, the eighties don’t seem so bad, after all.
>I only hated the 80’s during the 90’s when I was even cooler than I had been the decade before. But in the 90’s I was wearing bell bottoms and looked like I was fromt eh 70’s – so go figure. Looking back, the 80’s were my safe playground because I was too young to really get in too much trouble. I could only collect my neon gummi bracelets, learn all of the lines to 16 Candles and practice my Madonna songs in the mirror. And for the record, I still wear the Flashdance-off-the-shoulder look. It’s always been sexy. Now those shoulder pads are another story…
>See, I actually love 80s music and movies. My sister was 8 years younger than me, definitely a 90s era girl, but I warped her and she loves 80s music too.The fashions were…HIDEOUS. I will admit it. So was the makeup and hair. I will never go there. But, I miss that decade of music and videos that actually were interesting, even if they were weird. And, nothing beats a silly old John Cusak 80s movie…nothing! Except maybe The Breakfast Club…
>The shoulder pads were scary, but truthfully? Eighties eyebrows were even scarier. Sure, we all know about Brooke Shields, but what about Madonna’s big ol’ black caterpillars? I don’t think anyone plucked during that decade. And for all I know, they were putting mousse in them, too.
>wow… I am so glad I live in California. I haven’t seen the 80s flashback arrive yet. I am sure it might but right now the girls are stuck in the mid/late 90s in N. cali
>do not diss the ’80’s. I have a slouch sock and I’m not afraid to use it
>The 80’s resurgence is okay, I suppose. Except, of course for the return of the gauchos. That is unforgivable. And, as mentioned, if shoulder pads come back, I’m moving to the jungle.
>God, that makes me feel old.Class of ’83 here.. haha
>Ahh…the 80’s. I have fond memories, actually.And I still listen to the music.And watch the movies.But, yes…the fashions….I look back at some of the crap I pulled off wearing. Wow. Just….wow.But, it could be worse…they could express an afinity for the 70’s, and insist on gold lame. (la-may) Although, I love that it’s spelled Lame.
>I guess I must be your husband’s age, because in the 80’s I was safely married and having babies. The 70’s were my heyday. Of course, I don’t remember that much due to the drug-induced haze, but I’m pretty sure I looked great and I KNOW I must have had a blast.
>Music today is HIDEOUS!!! I have a 15 year old relative and I am SO embarressed that they listen to such advanced vulgarity.”What are you gonna do with all that breast, all that breast inside that shirt?” THAT IS HONESTLY SOMETHING PRE-TEENS SING ALONG TO????? Gross.”… we want pre-nup, we want pre-nup!!”
>I am an 80s lady (class of ’87) and still love 80s music and movies…soundtrack of my youth. Sigh. I’ll take “Like a Virgin” over “My Humps” (like BEPeas, but hate that song) any day. My girls are still in the Wiggles stage but maybe they’ll like 80s music. Your blog is hilarious!
>I *heart* the 80’s! A much simpler time. Your references have brought back a tear in memory of my Valley Girl Handbook. And, you’re right, I’ve never thought about the music and how there was such a connection. Of course, when remembering 80’s music it wasn’t all Bangles and Lisa Lisa & the Cult Jam. My parents just about fell out of their recliners when they heard Prince’s Erotic City album playing down the hall. Erotic City, Darling Nikki…all for the 80’s playah!My boy is 13 and the only thing that scares me more is that I have an 11 year old girl.Damn I miss the 80’s. Great post!
>Miss Ann Thrope, I didn’t realize until today that slouch socks had gone out of style. Dang. I wondered why they were laughing so hard at the gym.Right now, I am just trying to make sure the girls never ever find out about Multiples. I had a white jumpsuit and red tube belt that was really, really horrible.
>Okay, I confess. I was a total 80’s fashion victim.I started listening to Madonna when I was 7, right about the time “Lucky Star” hit the Billboard top 10.By fourth grade, I was idolizing her in Desperately Seeking Susan.By the time I hit sixth grade, I had moved on, but her influence stayed with me for years to come.There are pictures of me wearing double slouch socks.As in, a white pair under whatever color matched my outfit.Seriously.I scrunched so high they went half-way up my shins!I used to buy my Keds a half-size too big so I could revel in my double-slouch-socked glory.The pinnacle?Red MC Hammer pants, which I tight-cuffed at shin-length so about an inch of actual skin peeked through between the pant cuff and my red and white double slouch socks – one foot red over white and the other foot white over red – shoved into my white La Gear canvas sneakers, matched with a red tank under a white bolero jacket and big bangs.Big bangs!Let’s talk about BIG bangs!You know, the kind where you took half of them and curled them down to cover your forehead and curled the other half upwards and ratted and teased and sprayed until they STOOD UP ON THEIR OWN and, if photographed in profile, appeared to be attempting to RACE AWAY from your face!Yes, I had those kind of bangs.And I teased and ratted the bejeezus out of the rest of my hair too. I paid careful attention to the area just above my ears and spritzed and sprayed until those, too, stood away from my head. I think I may have been attempting to emulate a lion’s mane. I’m not really sure.At least I can say I was still in junior high and didn’t know any better. Plus, I went to Catholic school, so my hair and double-slouch socking madness were my only forms of personalization. By the time I was a freshman in high school it was 1990 and I was saved by the likes of Kurt Cobain and Eddie Veddar (yum and yummer!). But I won’t go into the fashion mistakes I made in high school!
>I wouldn’t repeat the ’80s for all the money in the world. What a truly ugly decade.
>I still have a fond rememberance of being a teen in the 80’s. Maybe all that hairspray caused brain damage.I found you through I Talk 2 Much. I really enjoy your writing. I’ll be back.
>p.a. I just remembered where Eighties Ladies originally comes from…it’s a K.T. Oslin song (but I live in Nashvegas and my best friend loves country music and had the album when I was listening to INXS, Duran Duran, Erasure, Prince…) I’ll be back to visit your blog!
>Hi Lucinda–I found your blog from I Talk 2 Much, and I agreed with the bitches–your blog looks great and the posts I read were hi-fricking-larious. So I commented. And then I saw you stopped by to see my lil ol’ blog and … you actually blogrolled me.THANK YOU! I’m so flattered I might wet my pants. Honestly, I feel all warm and squishy. (Hey, wait a minute; I was speaking metaphorically. I hope I didn’t actually wet my pants.)BTW I remember the seventies and they were quite ugly as well. But everyone knows this because we’ve been living in 70s redux for quite a few years (flared low cut jeans, long straight hair, platforms, peasant shirts, beads, etc., etc. ad nauseam.)Our only recourse is to start dressing like Carmen Miranda. I think hers is the only look that hasn’t been recycled during the past 20 years.–P.
>I have to laugh at the bubble skirt. My favorite one was white with tiny black dots. I WAS Madonna!!!!!!!!Don’t be such a neo-max-zoomed-dweebie. No guff.
>The horror that was the ’70s could easily trump the ’80s…I think. Few things are more vomitrocious than polyester shirts,feathered hair, leisure suits and bell-bottom pants.
>Ewww…the eighties were so ugly with all the makeup and big hair and huge shoulder pads. I can see, however, how teenage girls would love it. It’s all about excess and I loved it when I was living it, too!
>I so want to say that the 80s were grody unto the max, but since my Valley Girl handbook has also expired, I’m no longer sure whether grody was good or bad?Either way, it seems I really should have kept my bubble skirt. thank goodness I still have my slouch sock (that’s the thing about slouch socks, they don’t get old, they just get slouchier)ps, I’m back and will be trying to share the load with Kim once more…thx for checking in.
>Anybody else wear different color Keds on each foot? W/ different color slouch socks? (like white ked, black sock…black ked, white sock.) Pair it with a bubble skirt, and you were SET!
>I am willing to admit that I asked for an Atari for Christmas from Hubs this year. They have a new “Atari Flashback” that looks like the old school one, with all the old games. I miss Frogger and Pong, so sue me.
>Don’t want the clothing back, but the music and movies weren’t so bad. I haven’t seen a teen movie as good as The Breakfast Club in recent years. And don’t knock Ms. Ringwald!!!
>No matter how ridiculous I looked in the 80’s, I have such a soft spot for that time. I wasn’t much into the Madonna thing. I went in the other direction by listening to the Smiths and the Psychedlic Furs, U2 and the Replacements. I made the unfortunate decision to wear fatigues and cut my hair and make it all spikey. Then in my freshman year of college, I became a girlie girl, grew out my hair and had bangs like a sunflower. Good Times.