>Halloween Ain’t What It Used to Be
>Did you have a problem with turbo-treating this Halloween? Find out what I’m talking about, as well as why Halloween serves as a cruel reminder that it’s best to keep to oneself in the suburbs, in this week’s Nashville Scene edition of Suburban Turmoil. The full text is below.
Turbo Treat
It’s a week after Halloween and Nashville’s once-friendly subdivisions have morphed into post-holiday war zones. Candy wrappers mingle with the autumn leaves strewn across lawns. Shards from smashed pumpkins litter the cul-de-sacs. Bits of toilet paper cling resolutely to the uppermost branches of trees already suffering from the indignity of clumsy NES handiwork.
On this endless Morning After, a shifty-eyed mom, bloated from one too many Butterfingers, pulls her SUV into the garage and waits for the door to close before emerging, just as her neighbor opens his front door and then quietly shuts it when he spies a man getting mail across the street. It’s as if every last member of the Homeowner’s Association participated in a drunken Halloween orgy and now by the sober light of day, they’re all a little disgusted with themselves and each other.
The suburban holiday season has begun.
Of course, most of us initially prepared for the Halloween holiday launch with hope and gusto, bedecking our lawns with cardboard headstones and plastic bones and tying down a gigantic blow-up spider in the front yard as our piece de resistance. Some of us even pulled a fire pit into the driveway, dressed up as Obi Wan Kenobi and invited the neighbors to bring over their folding chairs and their best gossip. In the end, though, Halloween served only as a painful reminder of why we spend most of the year avoiding each other.
“Heyyyy! You’re pregnant again!” one neighbor shouted at me convivially from a group of men parked in their lawn chairs at the end of a driveway.
“Yeah,” I smiled warily. “I’m due in March.”
He looked over at Hubs. Oh geez. I could tell by his face he was going to say next.
“When are you going to stop?!” he said incredulously. “That’s a lot of kids, man! Gah!”
I pursed my lips and jerked Hubs away by the arm. “Don’t listen to him!” I hissed. “He doesn’t know what he’s talking about!” Still, Hubs’ face was pale. The damage had been done.
Luckily, Hubs didn’t have too much time to think about the four kids-bankruptcy connection because we had to focus all our attention on not getting run over as we attempted to get our two-year-old Ladybug from door to door.
Unbeknownst to us, Bellevue’s secret society of Ford F-250-driving dads had all decided to attach flatbed trailers to the backs of their pickups, load up gaggles of Harry Potters and Disney Princesses and canvas twice the neighborhoods in half the time. This wasn’t trick-or-treating. This was turbo-treating and it was freaking annoying.
On foot, Hubs and I dodged between the trucks and trailers clogging up the streets and headed for the nearest brightly lit house, only to be nearly run down by a family of four clinging to an ATV. The yuppified driver smirked at our own four-wheeler (well, we call it a stroller) while his wife hoisted down her two kids directly in our toddler’s path.
“Mama’s gettin’ a workout tonight!” she whined, mopping her brow.
Meanwhile, the parents who weren’t lucky enough to own trailers, four-wheelers or golf carts merely drove their kids from driveway to driveway in their minivans and Suburbans, hazard lights flashing. On foot, I felt like I was part of a live-action game of Frogger.
“What the heck!” I said angrily to Hubs as we trudged the few steps from house to house. “Whatever happened to walking? And where did these people even come from? They don’t live here!”
As if on cue, a tractor lurched into the entrance of our subdivision, hauling a cartload of jingoed country cousins behind it. When it lurched to a stop, I heard a rebel yell and the strains of the Deliverance theme song before watching a half dozen full grown men hop out of the back, trick-or-treat bags in hand.
“Oh hell to the no,” I said. “Go make sure our front door is locked, Hubs. We are so out of here.”
We took Baby to a neighboring subdivision for a while and dodged more traffic before I cracked completely and decided that I hated just about everyone in Bellevue that night. I hated the guy who passed out life insurance brochures taped to his candy. I hated the party poopers who hid behind their closed blinds and unlit front porches. I hated the teenagers who went door-to-door without costumes and the younger kids who were too cool to say either “trick or treat” or even “thank you.” Most of all,I hated the turbo-treaters. I wished them all bags full of stale Dum-Dums and rock hard Mary Janes. And from the dour expressions on the faces of the parents we trudged past, I wasn’t alone. We were, every single one of us, all hallowed out.
So don’t expect any neighborhood open houses or holiday block parties as we suburbanites eat our way toward Thanksgiving. If Halloween taught us anything, it was that it’s always better to keep to ourselves.
Unless alcohol’s involved. Then all bets are off.
>Hey, I’ll be the first to comment – are you KIDDING ME??? They DROVE their kids around the neighborhood? I’m speechless (well, not really. That’s never happened). I hope these people aren’t wondering why the kids of America are fat and lazy.
>Yep, we experienced that this year!! We went to my mom’s neighborhood(okay so we weren’t neighbors, but my mom is!) and my husband and I took both of our kids, Hayden’s 2 1/2 and I can’t tell you how many times he was almost plowed over by older kids running from door to door! There was so much traffic and SO many people who didn’t belong! My most annoying thing though was the teenagers that you mentioned. If I was in charge of passing out candy, I’d tell them no!
>Lazy Lazy Lazy!! Not to mention unsafe.
>I’ve seen it. or the parents stay in the car altogether and just supervise the kiddos.This year wasn’t a big one in our ‘hood. Some day I have faith it will be better.
>That is PATHETIC!!
>You know, I used to think I would kick out those older kids who come by without any costumes…Then I realized that I usually by 40 lbs of candy and have 30 lbs left over. Heck if they want candy, I say give it to them, because I cannot eat that much chocolate in a year!
>Yep. I’ve seen it. No wonder kids are so fat these days! They don’t even walk on Halloween!
>There was an article in our local paper about how hardly anyone trick or treated in the poorer neighborhoods anymore, apparantly everyone loads up their kids into RVs and drives them around the rich neighborhoods while moms and dads watch tv in the rv. Um, whatever. We live in the ghetto, and don’t own an RV, so we did the traditional kind of trick or treating. I sort of understand, because this is Alaska, but stick a snowsuit under their costumes and they will be fine. It was actually nice in our neighborhood, because there were no huge crowds, just local kids and their parents. Really, how much candy do your kids need? Mine got plenty in about 45 min. (Even after I harvested out all of the Reese’s 🙂 )
>See, I thought you were going to say something about how you get to the door and the homeowner dumps half a bowl of minature Hershey’s bars into your kid’s bag .. because they only got four kids all night and didn’t want to eat the leftovers.
>I got a small taste of turbo-treating, or tricking, or whatever.Our neighborhood is not gated nor is it “rich” but it IS nice and it makes a big circle with only one street in or out. You have to be coming here to come here, you know? I do not know all of my neighbors or their kids since I do not have any children to mingle with them. But I know enough about the “hood” to know we do NOT have over 50+ kiddoes like I had ringing my bell. That is not a lot, I know, but it had rained all day and evening which helped limit the numbers. However, I know the majority of the kids came from outside our little circle and it sort of bugged me since their parents stood on the driveway, (too lazy to climb all the stairs to my front door as I live on a hill)….and rushed the kids through the begging. I barely had time to even admire their costumes! Too many houses, not enough time! (We have a strict 2 hour beggar’s night, 6-8, then lights out!) They were in pick-ups, golf carts, ATV’s, cars….so much more efficient when you have to hit all the best subdivisions in only 2 hours! I really just wanted to stand at my door and watch the families walking and making a fun night of it but that did not happen. The whole night just made me sort of sad…..
>Um…WHOA. Takes type A (at least mentally) to a whole new level.
>Yep, things have really changed since I was a kid. Our new tradition is growing on me, though. We take the kiddo to the mall for trick-or-treating — lots of kids, safe environment, live music (the mall hires a band), the whole thing takes about 40 minutes max. Then we go out to dinner right there and the kiddo eats candy. ;^) No crazy drivers, dangerous streets, wild teenagers — just a bunch of little kids with their folks. I like it that way.
>WOW! Where I come from (NZ) Halloween isn’t a very big deal and there are hardly any kids. I wish that it would be more of a big deal because it seems like a lot of fun. But I’m glad it’s not like it is over there – crazy!
>We don’t get a lot of trick-or-treaters in our neighborhood, because the lots are large, and you’d have to walk a long way to get to even 20 houses. So we only get a dozen or so neighborhood kids. But I have friends who live in a nearby suburb where the houses are close together, and they get swarmed, even by adults not in costume who are trying to fill empty pillowcases. Is candy really that expensive that someone would spend hours getting one piece at a time? Wait until a few days after Halloween, and go to the Target 75% off sale. It’s cheaper than gasoline.
>My son was terribly sick this Halloween. First time in 12 years I have not been out.The trailer thing is just plain irresponsible.The uncostumed get their chops busted at my door. They get candy, but they have to answer for it.P.S. My daughter came home and split her candy with my son. She didn’t take 2 buckets to the door and beg for 2 helpings. She just split her take 50-50. That’s the Halloween I wish you had seen
>My MIL stopped handing out candy because of this. She was just upset that parents were driving their kids to the doors in other neighborhoods. As if they needed more candy.We didn’t have that many kids this year…but we did see kids in cars.
>some people have no shame. too bad the kids are going to grow up expecting to be chauffered around
>Lord – we had ’em too! By the truck load. And yes – there were several enterprising Daddies’s hauling groups of ten and more around in flatbeds. I didn’t know any of these kids. We live in a very small neighborhood – only 30 houses. It’s rural – so the cows outnumber the kids by at least 100 to 1. There are no more that a dozen children all told in our area if you add in cousins and friends. This year we had three tines that amount – and we closed everything down after 9 pm. That’s not trick-or-treating – it’s outright avarice. I understand some nearby neighborhoods got tons of teenagers – no costumes – grabbing treats by the handful. Nary a thank you in the bunch, by the way. I guess Halloween’s just not what it was.
>I LOVED the column this week! I can’t believe parents are DRIVING their kids trick-or-treating. Isn’t that against the rules?
>Next year you may want to consider Trunk ot Treat, we participated at a local church this year and it was a lot of fun. I don’t even belong to a church and they let me in. I wrote about it chez moi.http://www.lala.totsgo.com/2006/10/best_halloween_ever.html
>Sorry about that here
>My 13 year old is one of those kids who thinks trick or treating is something she has outgrown which is good she would just rather sneak her sister and 2 brothers candy as they sleep. Anyways when I saw older kids coming to the door I would make her take the candy out a couple times she would say oh my goodness youre out trick or treating?! We live in a small town and she knows everyone. I thought it was pretty funny.
>I have seen something like that.I live in a rural village. The parents who live out in the country will drive their kids into town for Trick-Or-Treating. Usually, they find a place to park, like at the town square park or the bank that is closed. But sometimes they follow their kids around in the car (which doesn’t seem safe to me, since I believe they should be escorting the child, not driving the car).I guess these people didn’t really bother me because out in the country, when there is a quarter mile between your house and your neighbor’s house, Trick-or-treating is impractical.
>I’ve been seeing it more and more, and it’s just sad. I did, however go to a different neighborhood with my kids…simply because we live in a neighborhood of 5 duplex buildings…a total of 10 units! There are NO other homes within walking distance.We chose to go to a friend’s neighborhood. They live in military housing, the grand old buildings…duplexes with 50 yards between each building. My 2 1/2 year old insisted on walking (so we left the stroller in the van)…only to BEG to be carried after the first few houses. I got bopped in the head with a plastic pumpkin more often than I ever care to again!Turbo-treating is the new edge…Oh, and for the record…I do not give candy to kids without costumes. They had better at least have some face paint on. And if you come to my door with a pillow case instead of a cute halloween bucket or bag, woe be unto you…you will get one tiny piece of candy.We came home and did our duplex circle before going in…the three neighbors who actually had lights on emptied their bowls into my kids’ buckets. Apparently, other than the OTHER kids in the neighborhood, no one came. No surprise there.Oh well, hubs got a lot of three musketeers, which he loves!
>Way to take the fun out of Halloween, guys! Isn’t this turbo-treating thing just another way to teach your children that if they cheat, they’ll end up more successful? “Sure Bobby, we might run over an innocent pedestrian or two and twice the candy means twice the cavities, but did you catch that TWICE THE CANDY part?”
>If they don’t say “trick or treat” I say “what do you say?” and make them say “trick or treat”. I get a lot of looks like what are you talking about lady. Oh and a costume is a must. At least some sort of effort.
>Our church did something very similar to the one in lala’s neighborhood. We had it on the Sunday afternoon before Halloween (which was good, since Sunday was 75 degrees, and Halloween never topped 40), and it cost nothing to come, whether or not you were a neighbor. I thought this was such a neat idea, because then all of the church family can see the kids in their costumes, without parents having to drive them around. It also made it possible for the younger children with earlier bedtimes to participate. Halloween night, we stopped by houses of our neighbors, and generally had a good, if chilly time, walking from house to house. I guess that maybe it’s because our neighborhood really is neighborly, or maybe we just aren’t urban enough to have spawned as much ugliness, but I really didn’t seen any turbo-treating this year. Maybe that’s the case in the newer subdivisions, but here in the oldest part of town, I guess we still do it the old-fashioned way.
>I live in a commuter community. That means everyone works 45 minutes away at the least. The few families that actually reside there during the day walked, and the kids got loads of candy because nobody ever gets that many trick or treaters. All the lights were out by 8:30 precisely. Everyone was polite. We had to be. We kept running into each other at the houses.
>I ususally love Halloween..but this year I was over it. My children had been celebrating since noon at school, and I had been up there with them. Actually it seems like we had been dressing up in costumes since September for an inordinate number of Halloween parties.I usually find weekend Halloween more fun(maybe due to the trick or treating toddies)..on second thought those Turbo treaters could have been scarier with adult beverages.
>Totally insane.
>I’ll never drive my kids around. If they can’t walk the few steps in between houses, then they don’t deserve candy. Besides, it’s dangerous driving on Halloween! I’m always afraid to run over a stray gobblin or ghost.
>I must live in a bad neighborhood because I watched a few parents stuff their costumed kids in the mini-van and drive elsewhere to trick-or-treat. LOL!Still, we had about 65 kids come by: most walking with their parents, which was nice to see.