>In Search of the Smile-Back
>Maybe it’s a Southern thing, but I was taught to always smile at strangers.
I don’t mean strangers with badly-inked prison tattoos, bloodshot eyes, and a bowie knife tucked into one boot; I mean strangers at the grocery. Strangers at the bank. Strangers on the walking trail at the park. If I come face-to-face with someone while I’m out and about and we make eye contact, I smile.
Which obligates the stranger to smile back, right?
Apparently not.
At the grocery the other day, I was casually making my way through my shopping list when I encountered another woman, headed toward me on aisle five. We made eye contact. I smiled.
I got this in return.
He gave me a look like I had attempted to brand him with an iron bearing the words, “Booty King.”
That night, I brought it up to Hubs.
“Did you ever notice that no one does the smile-back anymore?”
“The what?”
“The smile-back. You smile at someone at the grocery or at the post office, and they don’t smile back.”
“Yeah, I notice that all the time.”
“Good. I thought it was just me. Why do people do that?”
“I don’t know. But I don’t like it.”
“I don’t either. It’s so rude. If you smile at someone, they’re sort of required to smile back.”
“That’s just how it’s done.”
“Exactly.”
Have you noticed the disappearance of the smile-back? Where has it gone? What exactly is driving it into extinction?
Or is it just me?
>I attempt a smile that won’t scare people on most days when I’m just not feelin’ it. There are some days though when I don’t give a crap about making someone else feel better. I might share a grimace of solidarity, but to show teeth would be more like a threat at that point.
>You need to come back to the upper Midwest – we’re still pretty friendly in Milwaukee.If I’m having an off day, I won’t initiate a smiling contact, but will always return one. If someone is making the effort to be pleasant, I should do the same.
>I work at the local drugstore and not only do people NOT smile back, when I cheerfully invite them to “have a nice day!” they TOTALLY IGNORE ME. Not a nod, not a smile… nothing. Nothing at all. What gives?!?
>Oh my gosh, you reminded me of a whole different topic. I hate when people say, “How are you?” and I say, “Fine, how are you?” and they DON’T ANSWER. Hello, I asked a question here! Don’t leave me hanging like that!
>Kay, well I have two perspectives on this. I hate it when someone does this to me, BUT I’m totally guilty of looking right through people at the grocery store, especially when I have the 3 kids with me. I ignore all, and very often snap out of it in time to see everyone glaring at me as my kids run amok. I don’t know where I go in my head that allows me to block out the fact that I have 47 packages of cookies and two kids hanging of the sides of the cart, but there you go. So if I happen to be in your local Kroger and you see a lady with 3 kids scowling and not acknowledging her bad kids. That’s me and I’m sorry.
>I recently moved to Louisville, KY and am originally from L.A., so I’ve been having the opposite experience. When I first got here and I saw people smiling and even waving I kept asking my boyfriend if he knew these people. It was a fairly new concept to me despite that I’ve always smiled at people no matter what, but in L.A. most people don’t know what to make of it. Besides, if someone can’t accept a friendly gesture they’re the ones missing out on one of life’s simple pleasures. I just remind myself that their inability to respond in kind is not a reflection of me, but of them.
>I live in London. Smile at STRANGERS? Are you CRAZY?
>The Smile-back and the words “Excuse Me” are pretty much non-existent here. In SC it was worse than here in NC. But I’m from Ohio and we always smile and said “Excuse Me” when walking in front of someone or, in general, cutting them off or whatnot—side note: one day I will officially be knocked out by a stranger because if they don’t say “excuse me” when they walk directly in front of me while I’m looking at something in the grocery, I always say “excuse me” out loud, for them…and not in a very nice way 😛
>Nooo! I currently live in Philadelphia and I hate, hate, hate that no one smiles here. There is this nasty, cold, me-first attitude everywhere, and I miss my beloved Nashville. Say it isn’t changing, please.Plus it is the only place in the world where people know that the proper response to “Excuse me,” is “Oh, excuse ME!” not a grunt, or a God forbid, “Mmm-hmm.” Excuse THIS, you troglodytic flat-footed lump of insensibility!!
>Okay, controversy here, I’m black and only have this issue with my race. I try to smile and be pleasant because people always say we(black women) look so mean. But whenever I’m out and smile at a fellow African American woman I get a look like I just stepped off of the mother ship! But it’s good to know, you experience it too! ;o)
>I live in Jersey….hardly anyone smiles….period.Well, except me. I hate Jersey.
>Glad to know it isn’t just me! Honestly, I get a smile back about half the time here in Nashville. But at the grocery the other day, I totally struck out- and when that happens, I really do wonder if something’s wrong with me!Potty Mummy, that’s so funny that you said that about London, because when my family was there a few years ago, we kept remarking on how miserable everyone looked (although they were friendly enough if engaged in conversation). We kept relating it to a story we read that most middle class couples in England can afford to eat out only twice a year, and decided people were just unhappy because it was so hard to make a living. But is that true about eating out?! We were shocked that all the reservations we made at restaurants came with a caveat that we had a two-hour limit to eat and get out- at one point, we were going to order dessert and the waiter advised against it because our two hours were almost up!
>I’m in Nashville too and the smile-back is fading away. It makes me sad. I’m not very outgoing (my blog is all evidence to the contrary – but that’s different) so I was never really one to smile first, but I always smile back. There are two women in my building at work that I’ve actually begun to sort of torture. From the first time they laid eyes on me they gave me not just a scowl, but a glare. An “I Do Not Care For You One Little Bit Glare.” Everytime I passed one of them in the halls I smiled and they glared. It bothered me (what the hell had I done? we don’t even work together). But now I just smile and chirp a friendly HELLO!! At first I thought they would have to cave and say Hi or crack a tiny smile. NO! Still the glare. But I just keep on chirping. I can only hope there are nights they lose sleep over it.
>Alabama Bible Belt girl here and I agree, wth is wrong with people that they can’t simply smile back at a smiling face. I could understand if I were snarling at them, or I just stole the last batch of fresh choco chip cookies at the deli but dang, smile, it makes you feel so much better.
>Here is Small Town, Texas, people are still pretty good with the smile-back. Of course, they are also likely to reach into your shopping cart and touch your baby… A little much from a stranger!
>Yes!It depends, though… On what I’m not too sure. Some days I get scowls and frowns. I sometimes get so disgruntled about this that I start muttering to myself. “What is wrong with people today?” I’ll mutter.This doesn’t help matters. But sometimes people smile or at least they’ll smile back if I smile at them. I always smile back at someone who smiles at me, though. To quote Hulk Hogan, “Anything less would be uncivilized.”
>Heck, I’m lucky to get a “Thank you” back after paying for my groceries, gas, etc….customer service is really at an all time low. I always smile and ask “How are You”? Yet, I rarely get a response.
>I take issue with the checkout people as well. I try to be friendly and talk to them, but most of them will not respond, or will just sort of grunt at you as they scan your purchases. We live in Colorado, and everyone in our neighborhood waves as you drive by, so at least that makes me feel good! I, too, try to torment those who are not smile-back people with kindness. Maybe it will sink in one day. Maybe.
>I’m an Okie from Oklahoma. We all smile back here. Sure later we’ll make fun of you, but you’ll definitely get the smile back.
>The smile-back isn’t completely gone where I live but it is slowly being replaced by the quickly-look-away and try not to change your expression at all while pretending you didn’t make eye contact in the first place. Yup. You either smile back or quickly look at your shoes, the floor, the ceiling, your cell phone (that’s very popular). Any thing other than the other person’s face.At least the scowls and grimaces are a very rare occurrence.
>Is it a big city vs. small town issue? When I lived in Vancouver, nobody smiled back.Now that I live in the butt-poke of nowhere, everyone smiles 🙂
>I think people are just tired. And maybe depressed. Or scared. I usually smile at people but sometimes I think I must be too friendly because people move away from me like I’m one of the crazy, drunk, homeless people and I’m going to try to be friends or ask for money.Anyway, I keep smiling and saying Hi. Unless I’m tired or depressed or scared.
>It’s not you! All those people were searching the aisles for medicine to treat their constipation.
>We live in a large city in Texas and about half the time you get the smile back, the other half you get a big ole F-you. Especially after that person runs down your shoulder/stroller/foot that they had to aim for because you were dancing out of the way. I hate this city.
>Oh, this is awful news! I thought the missing smile-back was just because I moved away from TX! When we first moved to NM from the Dallas area, the missing smile-back was absolutely heartbreaking.
>So Potty Mommy may have unravelled a mystery that has been vexing me for some time… maybe Posh Spice isn’t really as miserable as she looks, it’s just a cultural thing! This makes me feel a lot better about someone THAT rich, married to someone THAT hunky always scowling. Of course, Becks seems to scowl a lot too, but who cares, he’s so hot…
>I think the smile-back is slowly fading. Also going the way of the dodo bird is the wave-n-nod. I don’t experience this in the large city I live in now(Memphis). However, when I drive an hour and a half away, back to my hometown in North Mississippi, I start to automatically do the wave-n-nod. This really begins after you turn off the divided highway, and onto one of the usually rural roads. In “town” it does not happen that much, but on the back roads, it is automatic. You are driving along, and a car is coming toward you, and you lift a couple of fingers, up to a whole hand off the steering wheel, and you wave and nod. The other people in the car are waving and nodding as well. I was really kind of shocked when I started driving in Memphis, and realized that if I tried the wave-n-nod, people would look at me as if I was crazy, and probably had a gun. I have been in Memphis now for almost 18 years, and go home to visit the family every other month or so. I have been noticing the decline of the wave-n-nod for several years. I almost never get the smile-back in Memphis, but it is automatic for me to smile at someone getting on the elevator, or at the grocery store. Even in Small Town, Mississippi, the smile-back is fading. I think that says something sad about the world today. If we are too caught up in our own misery to attempt the common courtesy of a smile at a stranger, I believe we are all going to Hell in a handbasket.
>Yeah, and what about the traffic wave? Like when you let someone into traffic? Why don’t people wave or give the nod anymore?What’s wrong with us?
>One of the best things about living in Japan is the smile-back (I’m from North Carolina, and have lived many other places…I miss the smile-back!)Here, when I walk around my neighborhood, or go shopping in the arcade, I see wizened little old scowly women; impossibly elegant shopgirls and stern samurai-descendant-type men. They walk down the street or along the arcade with straight spines and great dignity. But the MINUTE I catch someone’s eye and smile, his or her severe expression breaks into a wonderful, beaming, HEARTFELT smile, not one of those little polite smirks. It makes my day.Lindsay, maybe we can bring back the smile-back. God knows we can use more genuine smiles!
>Great idea, Carolie! I’m bringing smile-back back!As for the wave-n-nod, I don’t expect that around town, but I DO expect it in my own neighborhood. But no. Occasionally, I’ll get the wave-n-nod, but it’s very infrequent. And I live in a very, VERY small neighborhood, where you’d think the wave-n-nod would go without saying…
>I get soooo miffed when people don’t smile back. I’m like well “Fuck you! I didn’t want to smile anyway!!”
>OMG!! I just went thru it this morning. Dropped my girl off @ pre-k, smiled @ 2 other moms, given the look of death in return.Drop box @ the dvd rental. Another mom from the pre-k, I say "hi" , she gives me a blank look. What the fluff? Are people just evil? it's morning & you just dropped your kid off, your free to go home & do laundry…or read blogs 🙂
>When we moved from California to Colorado, it was so WEIRD-because people actually looked us in the eye and smiled. It was NICE! Then we moved to Texas and it got even better-people waved, smiled, greeted you when out walking….Now I’m back in California-such a shock and now I feel myself slipping back into “unfriendliness” again. I try to remain friendly, polite, actually LOOK at people but it’s disheartening when everyone either just looks right through you or scowls at you…
>I live in a small (to me) town in SC–and not only does everyone smile back, in the neighborhood when I drive, walk, or ride a bike anywhere, people *wave*. Just a simple raised hand of acknowledgement, but it’s there. And it does feel friendly. I’ve started doing it when I visit up north–and a lot of people return both smile and wave. So spread it around, folks! Friendliness can be contagious.
>I choose to rebel against anything or anyone who wants me to… well… smile. What if I'm having a bad day? I sure as heck might just be in the scowling mood. I guess I kind of get what you're saying but here's my point- do we give gifts expecting something in return or do we give them for the sake of giving? A smile is, in its own way, a gift- an offering of friendship & acknowledgment. Not everyone is comfortable with giving them to random strangers- myself, I have to be in the mood. It's not you, it's me.
>Amen! The Smile Back is one reason I live in Nashville instead of the Midwest. After a year in Ohio, I knew I was destined to live in the south. I just can’t deal with getting scowls in return for my non-committal smiles. Believe me, I am not going to ask strangers to engage in conversation (I HATE that), but what’s wrong with a smile? So little effort, so much return!BTW, I’ve got to disagree with Diane. My hubby is from Milwaukee and I rarely receive smile back while there visiting…
>oh my gosh!! And don’t even think about holding a door for someone, male or female!! You will really get the look….
>ShannonT, I live in Ohio, and I think we’re pretty good at it – and in Cleveland, of all places. We may be down-and-out, but we’re actually pretty darn friendly! I’m teasing you, of course – I mean no harm at all. Seriously, though, I always smile at people, talk to people, try and engage a cashier in smalltalk – sometimes it works, sometimes not, but I really wish just being freaking NICE to each other would make a comeback! Ohio really isn’t too bad, though.
>i always smile at folks. i’ve blogged about this philosophy of mine as well.i find the response can go either way and it is usually fifty-fifty. for some folks it is disarming and sets the tone for our encounter in a positive way. hopefully it sets the tone for other encounters they might have as the day progresses. i know it does for me which was why i consciously do this when i am out and about and juggling.but then the other half of the poipulation i encounter offer up similar reactions and expressions that you encountered.my advice is keep smiling anyway. someday it will catch on and we can take over the world!muhahahahaha!!!great photo essay.
>I am not sure and usually shrug when I don’t get a smile back. It puzzles me that people could be so cranky when someone is trying to be nice. I know I have been cranky many times, but I always smile back, if I don’t smile first. I say we chalk it up to many people have a stick up their butt.
>I hate the lack of smile-back too. Or when you hold a door for some asshole and they walk through and don’t acknowledge you. I’ve started to get lippy as of late, I’ll yell “you’re welcome” after them. My husband says I’m going to get knifed one of these days.
>Ok the topic peaked my interest b/c I often don't smile back at people who are just passing by and smile at me. Even at work when people I don't know walk by and smile, I often don't reciprocate – the company has several thousand employees btw. Here's why, and I am from the south just to be clear, I'm just a private person & have a natural distrust of people I don't know. People who don't know me often think I'm arrogant or shy or upset or just having a bad day. None of the above. I'll usually be very polite to everyone I encounter, even some annoying homeless person begging for money. However I feel my smiles are for friends & family or if I feel that you may really need one. So if you add a hello with that smile or some other gesture, I'll likely reciprocate. Not that I mean to be rude, and I sure won't throw a frown your way – it's just the way I'm wired. It has nothing to do with you or my mood. I'm sure that more than a few people have wondered why I didn't smile back. So anyway – that's why. cheers 😉
>I notice it here quite a lot, and the Buffalo area is supposedly known for its friendly people. I guess it doesn’t include the surrounding suburbs, because wow – I’ve gotten some unpleasant looking glares in return when I’ve smiled at strangers in the store, the library, the park…you name it. I find, though, that here it’s mostly other moms who seem to be not so friendly. Not sure why. My 22-month-old son has even gone so far as to smile and say hello to strangers in the market if they pass by him (much to my dismay at times, depending on the stranger), and 75% of the time they don’t even look his way. Ugh.
>I’m a city girl by birth, so it was the opposite for me when we bought our first house metro-west-ish. I live in the Mayberry of MA. To the point where if you tell my son that we’re going out for a walk, he starts shouting, “Morning!”Which is not to say that everywhere is like that, but my little neighborhood is.
>My mom swears it’s the influx of all the yankees in Nashville.
>I agree wholeheartedly the ‘smile back’ is almost extinct. But, what about the ‘hold the door thank you’. I mean when you hold the door for someone going in or out of a place and they look right at you and say nothing? I always say ‘thank you’ when someone does it for me. I mean, they are clearly holding the door for me so I want to acknowledge that. Usually (and I probably shouldn’t do this) when I hold the door for someone and they just walk by I say, ‘you’re welcome’. Sometimes, it initiates the ‘thank you’ and sometimes the scowl you described. Ah, where have manners gone?
>I’m a yankee from the midwest (Wisconsin)and generally people are friendly – even in Milwaukee. We now live in the Quad Cities (Iowa/Illinois) and people here are VERY friendly. I can usually get a smile – unless I’m in an unusually grumpy mood then it’s just my own problem! Oh, and people almost always hold the door when they see me coming.
>I come from a smile-back part of Canada and when I moved to Toronto, the first thing I noticed was the lack of smile-back. It scared me but I persevere and smile like a lunatic all the time. Oh wait, no I am a lunatic so I guess I should drop the “like” from the previous sentence. Anyhow, these big city folk have tried to beat the smile-back out of me but they will fail and I will turn up smiling in my casket. Word.
>This post is hysterical! I live in not-so-nice Minnesota, which everyone else in the country thinks is all nicey-nicey. Women here are beeyatches! The only people who actually do smile at you when you smile at them are the ones who actually know you. I stopped smiling at people and just don’t make eye contact anymore. If I do make eye contact, I wait for the smile from the stranger and then always flash my big pearly whites!
>Lindsey sez:I hate when people say, “How are you?” and I say, “Fine, how are you?” and they DON’T ANSWER. Hello, I asked a question here! Don’t leave me hanging like that! Worse yet is the person that tells you each and every thing that is wrong with them….I jus sorta space out with a real blank stare.
>Oh my God!! I just told someone this exact same thing on Monday after doing my weekly grocery shopping.. what is it with people? Can’t they just smile back.. just humor me? Maybe we should start a movement.. I find that I’m feeling kind of childish and tend to mutter ‘bitch’ under my breath.. that’s probably not nice. Mary in Albany NY
>If some stranger smiles at me, I assume they are a lunatic or that they are about to sell me some Pampered Chef or Tastefully Simple or some other marketing scheme.
>It’s not just you – I’ve noticed it too.Also gone – the little wave that you used to get when driving, especially in the country.There was even a set of rules over how many fingers to use depending on how well you know the person – 4-5 finger wave was a neighbor or friend, 1-2 fingers was for people you didn’t know, but still wanted to be friendly.I miss that.
>I live in Baton Rouge and I’ve definitely noticed the disappearance of the smile-back. I get a smile-back about 50% of the time.
>I live in a suburb of Rochester, NY. I find most people are quite friendly here–letting you out in traffic, letting you go first at 4-way stops, etc. Of course, you always run into some grumpy jerks, but I refuse to let them ruin my day. If someone at a store glares at me, I’ve been known to say with a bright smile as I walk away, “I’m soooo sorry you’re having such a bad day!”
>I think the smile-back is a common courtesy that is sadly fading away… I’m originally from the Pacific Northwest, where, for the most part, the smile-back is still exists. I lived in Vienna, Austria for a time, and when I arrived we were explicitly advised NOT to make eye contact with or smile at strangers, especially men, because they would interpret it as an invitation to flirt. Weird, right?
>I live in the Nashville area, and I too have noticed people not similing back. But you wanna know what REALLY gets me? When my toddler tries to smile or talk to someone and SHE gets the brush-off. Arrgh!
>I used to beam at people in the halls of the Pentagon. Everyone there always looked so depressed.
>I HATE when I let someone cut in front of me while driving and they don’t throw their hand up to thank me! This irritates me far worse than the non-smile-back for some reason. Just throw your hand up in a little wave, man!
>I believe in the smile-back, but a bout with Bell’s palsy left me unable to do it. (trust me, you do not want to see me attempt a full smile now) I can sort of grin, but people always seem to think that I’m giving them an evil smirk when I do it. (one man actually complained to my boss that I refused to smile- boy was he embarrassed when she explained why he only got a half-grin.)But despite that, I try to practice common courtesy- I wave to the rare people who let me turn onto the street in front of them, I thank people who hold doors for me and I try to hold them for others, and I say “excuse me” when going past/around people. I have resisted the urge to punch rude louts in the throat when they shove past me with no acknowledgement- instead I say “oh, I’m so sorry I was standing where you needed to trample through like a buffalo” loudly enough for everyone in ear shot to hear it.Ok, so I’m not a saint- sue me. LOL.
>I agree…people in Milwaukee are friendly!! I always smile and if I don’t get a smile-back, I just feel sorry that they aren’t having a better day. I don’t take it personally.
>I’m the car-waver in my neighborhood. If I wave at you from behind my steering wheel, you’d better damn well wave back…because I KNOW where you live!
>I have live in the same town all my life (20 years). Even though the population has skyrocketed from 25,000 to a little over 50,000 in the past 10ish years, I still always thought the smile, yes ma’am, no ma’am, and excuse me were absolute rule.Well, except for that waayyy sketchy guy that works at Kroger and goes to the gym and stares at girls while reading Cosmo. Now, it is somewhat fading. I am assuming it is due to all of the people moving into our town.The only place I know it will mostly survive, our college campuses. We have 4 colleges in my town, 1 university (11,000), 1 private school (1,200), small baptist private school, and a community college about 5 minutes outside of town limits. The only people that don’t smile are from the north and international students, but they quickly because assimilated. I don’t know why, but people are always somewhat friendly. But, I am notice less and less. Everyone just looks pissed and look as though they have a stick up their ass.Makes me sad.
>I just started back to work after being home with my twin critters for some time now. I have totally been a smile-backer as well as a smile instigator during my stay-at-home-mom days, but now that I’m back in an office environment I see the decline of those happy moments. I’ve targeted a couple people who always seem to be frowning on their way into the office and it is now my job to make them rue the day they didn’t smile back at me. Bwah-ha-ha-ha… I will make them smile at some point dang it!
>Could be worse, I smiled at someone the other day and they flipped me off. It definitely didn’t have anything to do with the fact that I’d just cut them off while driving. Nope. Pure, unmotivated negativity.
>Oh and something to add.Somebody said something about the pull out and wave.My school has HORRIBLE traffic issues. I have wait almost 10 minutes to pull on the main road. It is mainly people in their 30s to 40s that let me out. And I always do the smile and wave and I can see them nod in the rear view. I had a person my age stop and I smiled and waved and they looked at my like I was on crack. This has happened a few times
>Most of the people I run into do smile back, but I know what you mean. My mom first introduced me to this concept when I was a child. I remember sitting in the car while my mom pumped gas one day and she smiled at the lady across from her. The lady must have snubbed her because when she got back in the car she muttered something about how the lady thought “if she smiled, her face might break.” My mom is extremely southern and it hurts her feelings when people are rude like that.
>Just reading over the comments. About the restaurants in London kicking you out after two hours–that’s the tackiest thing I’ve ever heard!Also, I don’t find it offensive when someone looks “through” me and doesn’t smile, or looks around me. It’s when they make eye contact and are still scowling that offends me.
>I am not familiar with any restaurants in London that ‘kick you out’ after two hours. I found all of Europe to be far more relaxed when eating out than Americans tend to be. We’re always rush, rush, rush. Not so there–a meal is considered an event to relax and enjoy.
>I too miss the smile back. But I continue to smile at people because when I do get a smile back, it’s like a little victory! Same thing with the wave-n-nod. It’s just how I was raised! I think I’d continue to do it forever even if no one ever smiled or waved back again.
>My 17 month old daughter is VERY friendly. Every time we are out in public as people walk by us she waves and says “Hi”. I’m amazed that most of time people completely ignore her! They’ll look at her and look away really quickly. She’ll get more and more frustrated and yell it louder and louder- “Hi, HI, HI!!!!!” and they still won’t acknowledge her at all! When people smile back at her, or say hello back, she gets so excited. But it’s rare.
>We’re friendly here. We just look strange.
>I was raised in the friendly midwest where you were taught to look people in the eye, smile and nod hello.When we lived in Baltimore several years ago, we were at the Inner Harbor and I made the mistake of doing that very thing to a large scary man who got even scarier when he got in my face and said, "What the F*&k are you lookin at?"Now,12 years later, I am having the opposite experience here in TN. I can't get the baggers at the Publix in my town to stop walking me out to my car–even after I have told them repeatedly that I do not need help. They are so darn pleasant and nice. I don't trust them.
>You must look like a good tipper, MH. 😀
>I don’t give smile backs. It’s not personal, I just don’t react quickly enough. I might smile back a few minutes later, but you’d be in another aisle by then.
>I was raised to smile too. I live in SC right now in a city that is MUCH different from the town I came from in NC. When I smile at people around here they look at me like I’m up to something. My 2 year old daughter is a social butterfly and says “hey” to everyone, nobody responds back…ever! I don’t mind them not smiling at me but not responding to my daughter? that’s just rude. Even though we live in a city like this, I still teach my daughter to be nice and smile and say hello even if they don’t say hello back.
>I live in a community where anytime you pass someone they smile and say hi and if you are in your car you get waved at. I did find that annoying being a big city girl but now I think its great
>I absolutely agree!How hard is it to smile? I think people are so afraid of making an emotional investment in others that they panic when it appears someone might…gasp…TALK TO THEM!It’s sad. Very sad!
>We live in a very rural community, where everyone knows everyone, and smilin & wavin is just what cha do, BUT when I go into town I feel like a fish out of water. NOBODY smiles back, they just glare like you have just insulted them with that smile 🙂
>I think it depends on where you live. We live in Europe and you don’t smile at strangers here. It’s confusing for people. They think they must know you somehow when you smile at them. Then it’s just awkward. I think this developed from living in close quarters and having to maintain some sense of privacy. At first it bothered me, now I like it. It seems less superficial. We’re moving back to the States soon (to the South) and I will need to re-learn smiling at strangers.
>That reminds me of growing up in a small town in Montana where everybody smiles. A woman I knew moved there from San Francisco and was so freaked out when a stranger first smiled at her, she looked down to see if her blouse had come unbuttoned or something!
>And this is a bit off topic…but I HATE, HATE, HATE when someone tells me to smile. It makes me want to do the opposite of smile. It makes me want to punch you in the stomach.
>I’m still a believer in the smile-back, Lindsay, but I fear that we’re a dying breed. I don’t know why, but it’s a little sad. People need to lighten up and enjoy life a little. =)
>Here in Southern California, people don’t even make EYE contact, so a smile-back isn’t even necessary. My husband likes to distract people just by saying “HI, How are you doing?” which forces them to not only LOOK at him, but respond. It’s shocking how this simple question can really stump people. “Me? Uh, Uh, I’m good.” When what they’re really thinking is “Oh my GOD, is this guy touched? Is he going to rob me? Where are my car keys?!”
>No, it’s definitely not just a Southern thing. I live in the UK and it’s rare that people smile back anymore. I usually do it and get greeted with a scowl. I guess basic manners are now diminishing.
>I grew up a couple of hours outside New York City, and I was taught never to make eye contact with strangers, lest they turn homicidal. Now I live in a friendlier place, but the thought of smiling at a stranger still makes me nervous. If they smile at me first, though, I’ll smile back…
>I also live in the Quad-Cities (hey fellow commenting qc’er up there-hi!) and people around here are very friendly. I have to admit, i’m guilty of the ‘looking through’ someone b/c i’m usually lost in thought while shopping or trying to figure out what song’s coming up on my ipod while i’m driving… I do hold lots of doors and elevators for people,though
>Yes, Lindsay, I’m definitely on your “bringing smile-back back” team!I was reading all the comments, and I suddenly remembered something I used to do in elementary school. I had three ‘best friends’ and we used to take the train to school in Philadephia. At the end of every train car, one seat on each side of the aisle faced the rest of the car, and whenever possible, we four would take those two seats, two on each side. We had a game we four would play. The rules were: No movement, no waving, no talking…just smiling. We’d each try to catch the eyes of people on our side of the train car. When we did, we’d smile at him or her. If we got a smile back, that was one point. The winning team was the pair who had the most smiling people on their side when we left the train.Looking back, I wonder if we were just obnoxious little girls, or if our smiles (and the resulting smiles back) really did help start some days better for random adults.Also, anyone who says New York City is not a friendly city just hasn’t met the right people. When I lived there, I could not shake my habit of smiling at strangers in stores or on the street, and talking to random people while waiting in line for whatever (tickets, a check-out line, etc.) I was shocked at how many people were really friendly, smiling back or making conversation with the crazy southern chick.I wish we all played the smiling game still…every one of us.
>We must all be jaded. I find that when I smile at strangers, they tend to look back at me with a “WTF is up with her face?” look, then smile back condescendingly. Bastards.
>I smile a ton….and chat a lot too…in fact I had a lengthy conversation with a man in the pet food aisle the other night (I was craving adult conversation, excited to be shopping without a toddler, & he was a fellow cat lover) When I lived in London I had to remind myself that it wasn't quite the thing to do..just to strike up conversations with strangers but it certainly is fun in Nashville! Smile on! http://www.nomommysperfect.com
>Quick observation: the ‘smile-back’ is more rare in larger communities, and more ready and genuine in smaller ones.Granted, no rule is set in concrete, unless someone dropped a book of revised statutes in a not-yet-dry sidewalk.
>I live in New England. The whole idea of socializing with strangers is a little awkward for us. I remember going to Chicago on business and some random person saying, “hey, how are you?” My first thought: What do they want? I am ashamed, but that’s the way I was raised.
>Hi–Just found your blog and I think it’s great! Your header pic is hilarious!I would say I *usually* get the smile back–but when I don’t, it totally ruins my day.
>The smile-back, the thank-you wave, holding doors. General civility is in the toilet. But then again, I’m feeling particularly negative today. I’m a smiler. I’d definitely smile back.
>I agree with the person commenting on other people telling them to smile. People used to tell me that all the time when I was younger and it made me so made I really wanted to smack them or ask them if they knew what was going on in my life. Maybe I couldn’t smile that day or I just felt shy. Anyway, I am a smiler now as an adult.
>joan s., try the popular restaurants in London. We went to several that were “in demand,” and yes, every single one gave us the two-hour limit. We had a party of 12, too, so it wasn’t like we weren’t dropping mad pounds!
>I’m going to agree with all the Calif. comments. In my small neighborhood, everyone smiles and waves and talks to one another. But that’s very unusual. When we first moved to our street, it would freak our friends out who would come to visit… they thought it was very weird. I was raised to always be friendly to people. I find that nowadays, not only do we not get the smile back, but rather than just being caught off gaurd, they actually feel superior if they don’t smile back. Whatever! Like Carolie, I found the opposite to be true in NYC.It’s a walking city and everybody acknowledges one another. If they’re trying to get somewhere, they’ll stay focused, but in the store, at the news stand, there was a real sense of solidarity.
>Amen! to my fellow Anons who hate to be told to smile. I am usually a smiler, but just a few weeks ago, I was standing in line for a stall in a restroom. My thoughts drifted to my father who recently lost an awful battle with cancer. I am certain I looked miserable. I was snapped back to reality by some perky idiot loudly telling me, “Smile! It’s all good!” I just looked at her, but I’ve wished over and over that I’d told her why I was not looking so cheery and made her feel like the ass she was.
>:-)
>Were you wearing the “Trophy Wife” shirt? I always get a weird look (instead of a smile back) when I wear my Eagles Concert T. It reads “Terminally Pretty.” Some of us got all the confidence… and the polite smile back gene.
>The smile back can be found in many places where the wave back can be found – coming across other people while hiking, boating, riding motorcycles, and other leisure activities. It’s very tough to get a smile back while someone is working or doing chores.If a company can find employees who will always smile back, they will see loads of repeat business from me. If I get a smile back from someone working hard, then that can make my day. If they say “thank you” I may pass out.
>Totally. I’m a chronic smiler. When I don’t get the smile-back it’s almost as if the other person has gone on the offensive.
>I am pleased that here in the south, people almost always smile back when I give them the smile. Just another reason to love the south. :)~Monica
>I miss the smile-back AND the courtesy wave (you know, the small wave you give when someone lets you in during traffic). People — come on! Smile and wave already!!!
>I was thinking about this today when the kids and I were getting a bite to eat before ball practice. (I read this post last night originally.) Several people walked into the restaurant and smiled at us. Heck, most said hello. One reason I love Alabama! I grew up in WV and when we go back there, I can’t figure out why it is ever referred to as a southern state. No one holds a door open. Last time we were there, I was coming out of Starbucks on the turnpike with 5 coffees in a holder and had to back thru the door while umpteen people walked thru the other side and watched. Weird. And don’t get my best friend who lives in DC now started on this. She HATES it when she lets someone out while in traffic and they don’t wave thank you. Her pet peeve. LOL
>The smile-back disappeared with the appearance of Palin.We are all too deeply depressed over the stupidity of a percentage of the populace that she makes any sense to them at all.
>Another southerner now living in Philly (shout out to Jenny) – and I sure miss the friendly grocery stores of Atlanta. I make a POINT of smiling and trying to be nice – it doesn’t always work, but I try to leave people a little happier. My evil side actually tries to guilt people into being nice. I’ve also been considering making a bumper sticker or shirt that says “Smile Philly! – it’s free.”
>I think there are a lot of grouchy people out there, and it makes them feel better to be mean to others. Maybe. Not sure…I smile at everyone. I feel like a clown. I tried the grouchy, goth thing but it didn’t work for me. So, I just try to blow sunshine up everyone’s arses, because that’s my thing. :o)
>Had to add, because a couple of comments mentioned this – I hate, hate, hate when a small child says hi to an adult and the adult ignores them. How freaking rude. I always say hi back or sile or something if a kid says hi to me.