>Infatuation
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I met him at work.
Eyes dancing, we flirted over my cubicle, each trying to outdo the other with witty one-liners and mock insults. Before long, we were meeting for drinks after work and talking, talking, talking until the dumpster trucks groaned outside and the sun crouched just beneath the horizon.
We’d slog off to our respective apartments to sleep a few hours, then come back into work bleary-eyed the next morning. After a few weeks of late-night dates, we decided to spend our Tuesday nights solo, in an attempt to catch up on sleep. I would crawl into bed on those evenings, aching to sink into the down, when the phone would ring beside me.
“Hello?”
”I just couldn’t stop thinking about you.”
We’d talk on the phone until two in the morning.
We were infatuated, of course. Fortunately for our boss, by the time we married a year and a half later, our feelings had matured. We were able to go to bed at a reasonable hour most nights, confident that our love would still be intact when we woke the next day.
Yet as I prepared for my wedding, I had a nagging fear that I would never again experience the bubbling, frenzied happiness of new love.
Infatuation, after all, is the ultimate high. It is an upper, an energizer and an appetite suppressant all rolled into one easy-to-swallow, remarkably tasty pill. How could I live the rest of my life without it?
And then I had a baby.
At first, I was calm. I loved my baby of course, but I wasn’t sure what to do with her little wrinkly self, besides see that she was fed and changed and stimulated with colorful toys and books.
Finally, during a week shortly before her first birthday when she was struck with fever and sore throat, we bonded. All she wanted, night or day, was to lie on my chest and sleep. I gave up trying to get anything else done and instead held her for hours on end while I sat in a recliner and watched TV. Every so often, I’d carefully transfer her sweaty, sleeping self to the coolness of her crib. She’d open her eyes, confused, and cry until I held her again. I realized the extent of her affection and deep need for me. It shook me to my core.
It marked the beginning of our infatuation.
A year later, we are hopelessly in love with each other. She has a funny habit of looking at me with a little smile before reacting to anyone or anything. “Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!” she cries when she falls, when she dreams, when she wakes. She grows jealous and cross when I hug her father or cuddle other children. She runs to me with arms outstretched saying, “I want hold!” and takes my face in her hands when I pick her up.
“Mommy,” she says softly, stroking my cheeks.
I melt.
I can’t stop watching her, whether she’s eating, sleeping or playing. I can’t stop talking about her, to anyone who’ll listen. I can’t stop hugging her and holding her and rubbing her little belly and touching her silky hair. She has returned the bubbling happiness to my throat. She has re-technicolored my world.
I want to pick her flowers, write her love poems, paint her portrait, compose a concerto in her honor. We have an infatuation, one that she’ll certainly have shaken off by the time she’s 12 or 13, but will stay with me forever. I’ll still be smitten by my daughter whether she’s 23 or 35 or 47. I’ll still see in her eyes my beautiful, perfect child. My funny little angel.
My heart.
>Wow — you really capture so much in that post. I’ve been thinking a lot about my baby growing up & what he’ll think of me as he grows older. Thank you for sharing!Marie
>They are the stuff that dreams are made out of – our little ones. Thanks for that lovely post, Lucinda.
>Aw, heck yeah! That’s JUST what it’s like!
>Beautifully you’ve manged to write what my heart has felt for the past seven-plus years. My three daughters are redheads, at least on the inside, so they give me moments to contemplate pulling out my own bright red hair. Then, as they sleep, the cosmic slate is wiped clean. The four existing females in my house begin each day with a clean slate. Then, I again feel all that you have written!
>very beautifully written.we are infatuated with them aren’t we?
>I know just how you feel. Elle got out of bed on Saturday morning, came walking into the living room in a t-shirt, looking much too old. Her hair was a little dishevled, but she didn’t look like a little girl anymore. She looked like something in between little girl and teenager, and my heart stopped. NOOOO! And next week, my oldest baby graduates (Gasp!) from 5th grade. Yes, next year we enter the world of Jr. High! NOOOO!
>I have fallen in love with each of my children. Each the same yet different. None can compare to the other. None is lesser nor greater than another. They are the same. Yet so very different. You have so much in store for yourself when you have another baby!
>That was so nice! My Julia does the cheek holding thing while saying mommy! It is the most wonderful feeling when she does that:)
>Whenever I get the inevitable question: what’s it like to have a kid?! I always answer: “It’s like falling in love. No matter how hard it gets, all I have to do is look into my son’s eyes and my heart starts to flutter and I get that exciting feeling like I’m not sure if I can breathe, like that electric moment before a first kiss. And it goes on and on and on.”
>SNIFF! It’s amazing the love you have for your children…it’s like no other. My youngest turns 14 months old this week and she’s our last baby…I’m more than a little wistful thinking about her and her big sister growing up.
>Beautiful little buggers, aren’t they?
>Beautiful, Lucinda. I don’t have children, but from a different viewpoint it’s nice to see what my parents might feel about me and my brothers.
>Sweet. I’ve heard you get more chances at infatuation with the grandkids too – although I’m not there yet. And hopefully it will be a nice long while.
>Beautiful.
>Having a child is the truest love ever, and yes, you captured it perfectly.
>Unconditional and pure and perfect. THe best kind of love!
>oh my gosh, this was so fabulous.*sigh*
>Wow. It never changes. Even when she throws a tantrum and you want to…wring her neck. The mad crush rushes back.
>That was beautiful. Daughters are beautiful .. well, mine are anyway and it sounds like yours is as well 🙂
>AW shucks. Sweet. Very sweet. I only feel that way about my kids when they are sleeping. 🙂 Maybe that makes me a bad Mommy. They DO make me laugh every single day,does that count?
>What a lovely post as we head towards Mothers Day! And yes, I am still infatuated with the creatures that sprang forth from me all those years ago. Mother love is a powerful force.
>I’m crying now…such beautiful words describe perfectly that bond…that wonderful sweet mommy bond.It kills me when, at only 8 months, my daughter reaches up to touch my face as she drifts off to dream land. I love it…I love her!Thanks for the wonderful entry so packed with emotion.
>They are so heartbreakingly wonderful aren’t they? I feel everything you wrote. What a beautiful post, so heartbreakingly true.
>Very sweet, Lucinda.
>i do love to watch my kids… when they are engrossed in some sort of activiy and not aware of my prying eyes… i just marvel at them.most of the time 😉
>Aww, you had me at the first all nighter. very sweet.
>I have to say it’s so refreshing to find a blogging mother who actually loves her child. I know that sound cynical but I’m so saddened and almost sickened by the women bloggers who complain about the children instead of embracing them. They say how they thought their children were mistakes, how they love one more than the other, and getting drunk weekly and writing about it really what it’s all about. I’m referring to Dooce, suburban bliss etc. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone in my love for being a mother.What a lucky child to have you.
>Oh yes, when my son holds my face, I feel my heart overflowing. How can we have so much love? I thought I knew love before I had a child…now I know that nothing is comparable to the love I feel for my child.And to think my mother felt like that about me!
>No, it never ends. It just gets stronger – a little different – but stronger.
>My oldest is my conscience, my middle guy is my heart, little guy is my fun. Thanks for reminding me. I forget that sometimes when they are acting like my stinker, my poop and my red guy with horns.
>( holla abt lasic )I have heard the stories you tell…abt ppl needing to wear contacts even AFTER the surgury…This is one of those ‘free consultaion’ things. I have ( gosh I cant stand this word ) FLOATERS IN MY eyes…and I hear that can be tres dangerous.Floaters just makes me think of fibrous poop.Will keep you posted…Hey! BTW, congrats again on the Mommybloggers. I did a shout out for you a few days ago.
>dear God, Lucinda…you have penned the feelings of most Mommys I know. A very Happy Mother’s Day to you…( I haven’t teared up like this in quite sometime…)
>This was absolutely beautiful, Lucinda. 🙂
>What a wonderful post. Thank you!
>Hey, what a sweet post. You capture that baby love feeling so well.
>You are so right. Having children is so emotional and wonderful.
>Holla abt Lasic…I will def be getting a second opinion. However this dude does consider me a candidate…again: I LOVE YOUR POST !!!
>I have a 16 yo and and a 19 yo boy. The feelings that you have described are all consuming and they do not go away or diminish. The hard part is when they are too old to allow you to touch them or love them the way you want to. I am still allowed private moments with my 16 yo son as long as no one else is around. My heart aches for them so much sometimes it hurts. But I love seeing the men they are becoming.
>39 comments? Oh my. You’ll never see this all the way down on the bottom!I liked this. It was posty-licious!This November I’m celebrating my 10 year wedding anniversary. (What a blog that will be!) I’m still infatuated with my husband. As much as my 3 year old! Life rocks!!!!
>awwww! So sweet. Yeah, I love it when she takes my face in her hands and gives me pats too. she’s on a real mommy kick right now, which I love because she used to be such the daddy’s girl. They are just so sweet and so cute and so delicious at this age.
>Isn’t it amazing that something so small can make you feel so much.
>sweet. i am growing more and more infatuated with my boy each day
>You’ve said it so eloquently…I haven’t stopped looking at my son that way — marvelling at what a miracle he is — so beautiful, full of life and love.What precious gifts children are!
>It took me a little while to get to that infatuation bond, too. But once it hits you it’s there for good. And, while it’s hard to imagine having three lovers and being equally infatuated with each of them (maybe I should put that theory to the test!), every new child gives you more of that love – no wonder mothers of seven have that blissed out look (or is it the Zoloft?)
>Aww, look, you got me all sniffley
>SIGH. That was lovely Those moments are sometimes hard to remember when they’re big and mouthy, and when they’d rather “hang” with their friends than spend time with MOm. Thanks for the reminder that they always need us, even when they don’t want to.
>That was a fantabulous post. I hope that all parents can feel just a small percentage of that. Thanks for sharing!
>she might lose it as a teen, but it will come back to you, my oldest is starting to come back to me, at 21.
>Aw that’s so very sweet…my tooth hurts 🙂 Seriously, you have put into words what (I hope) all most mothers feel. Right now I am more about the lusty infatuation though…I related so much to the first half of your post. Coincidentally, mine today is much about infatuation. Every few months I go into incurable lust, not with anyone in particular…it’s strange…it makes me babble in other people’s comment sections! 🙂 I’m stopping now… Lovely post Lucinda!
>I keep thinking about this post. It’s one of those classic, well-written, true posts that stays with you.Your writing is so well paced and your ideas so clear. I love reading your stuff.And I love my son dearly, but I don’t know if I am as infatuated as I probably should be. I guess I’m still too infatuated with his dad. Wow. I can’t believe I just wrote that. Now the next fifty posters will think I’m one of the bad mothers.
>That all-consuming love you write about is the kind I feel for my son (I remember holding him all day long when he was a baby and had a cold), and the kind I try to explain to my him sometimes. Of course, he doesn’t get it, just as I didn’t get it when I was his age and my dad tried to explain it to me. It takes becoming a parent to really understand it. I believe your daughter feels your love every day. Thanks for putting this feeling into words.
>Jennifer, I didn’t feel these crazy ecstatic feelings for my baby until she was almost a year old. Of course, I loved her as much as I could love, but it really took time for me to feel that “infatuation” bond. I tried to tell another mother this at my play group at the time and she looked at me funny and said, “Well, I was infatuated the day mine was born!” I really wanted to smack her. ;)My point is that I think it happens at different times for different moms and I think it’s a ridiculous myth that most of us bond with our babies the instant they are born.
>Soooo beautiful. I love your honesty about the connection not happening right away.
>I. loved. this. Loved it.
>Well put babe….I know those feelings well.The joy and ache of motherhood all at the same time!Wouldn’t do without it.
>Seriously, that brought tears to my eyes!
>Beautifully written.
>I heard somewhere once that having a child is like having your heart torn out and then watching it walk around outside your body for the rest of your life. I think they were right.My daughter’s only 5 1/2 months. She smooshes my face in her hands and says, “momomomomom.” I think the day she says, “Mommy” for real or “I love you” I will die. Cry for a few hours and then die.
>Ah…so beautiful, so true.You know, so many people talk about that special bond that mothers have with sons and I’m sure it’s special.But…the bond between mothers and daughters can be so incredible. I am infatuated with both of my girls, and they with me. Still.Even more.
>Definitely a perfect post. How I missed this one, I don’t know.