>Internal Memorandum
>Date: May 2, 2006
To: Editorial Staff, Workman Publishing
From: Peter Workman, President
Subject: Revisions to upcoming edition of What to Expect The Toddler Years
As you may recall, I was the first to propose a major overhaul of What to Expect The Toddler Years, due to the feedback we’ve received from readers complaining that the book was both dry and at times unrealistic. I even agreed with the focus groups who called the book’s illustrations “butt ugly.” But I must say I am appalled with the revised text you have submitted for my approval.
First off, changing the title to What to Expect (Besides No Sleep, Permanent Back Strain and Neverending Tantrums)The Toddler Years is not acceptable, nor is the cover photograph of a straitjacketed mother in a rubber room. I’d had in mind a photograph of a modern-looking mother who is well-dressed, attractive and engaged in an activity like reading a book or blowing bubbles with her toddler. If the current cover is your idea of a joke, I am not laughing.
I also have a problem with the revised “Milestones” segments at the beginning of each chapter. We have made a name for ourselves by telling mothers what their children should be doing at the end of each month in their early development, and advising them to seek medical attention if their child is not, for example, stacking blocks by 13 months or blowing large spit bubbles by 22 months. I take issue with the revised statement, “If your child has not reached these milestones by the end of this month, then it’s safe to say he/she is an idiot.” Please change it at once.
There are several revised sections that must be removed from the book entirely. They are:
Breastfeeding Your Toddler in Public: It Just Looks Weird
There’s No Such Thing as Too Much TV
But Mommy Says It!: Eliminating the ‘F Word’ From Your Toddler’s Vocabulary
Teaching Your Toddler to Make the Perfect Margarita
In addition, the bonus pull-out poster featuring “The Hottest Men in Children’s Television” is not appropriate for inclusion in this book. As a father, I personally found the reference to the size of the “Captain’s Feathersword” to be incredibly demeaning.
Society views mothers of young children as virtuous women brimming with patience, affection and unconditional love. Your portrayal of them as tired, Chardonnay-craving, sex-deprived would-be-vixens-if-they-could-just-lose-ten-pounds-and-get-a-shower-more-than-twice-a-week will not go over well in the publishing world or among readers in general.
I am sending the galleys back to you for extensive revisions. Now get to work.
>…Oh dear. Someone’s been at the tequila again, hasn’t she?
>It sounds like Peter has a stick up his ass. He just can’t handle the truth! LOL
>WEll, I for one would buy that book in a heartbeat. I agree that ole Peter must be a little anal, because that’s just FUNNY. The truth hurts, huh? *bahahahhaha*
>I see opportunity here. Take all the passages Peter is throwing out, and put them into your own book. Now, ready… GO!
>I agree on dumping the straitjacketed mom photo. With toddlers the mom should be able to run and take evasive action because, among other things, once the little buggers learn to stack up those damn blocks the next thing they learn to do is throw them. Hard. Where’s the chapter on how to use the dog’s kennel as an innovative playpen?
>Don’t scrap the whole thing! I need my poster of the hottest men first…
>Tooooo funny! I linked to your site from DotMoms (I, too, am a new contributor) and I’d love to be included in your perfect post email list!
>So, I wonder just what size *is* the Captain’s feathersword? *winkwink* *nudgenugde*
>chardonnay?? I’m more of a red wine girl, myself. Otherwise, you pretty much hit the nail on the head.PS could I please get an advance copy of Teaching Your Toddler to Make the Perfect Margarita? Two birthday parties this month – I know it will come in handy.
>Hey, Amber! I can’t find your e-mail address. E-mail me at lucindathemom@yahoo.com and I’ll put you on the Perfect Post mailing list.
>Mmmm, Captain Feathersword . . .Did you say something?
>Oh dear god – Troll Baby said the F word TODAY. My bad.My link has changed to http://www.troll-baby.com, just so ya know!
>Captain Feathersword is hot. And he lives here. And none of you are getting your wine soaked fingers anywhere near those tight pirate breeches until I’m done with him.I can see Mr Workman’s point on some of this stuff, but surely the section on “Mucous as an acceptable side dish” could stay in the recipe chapter, along with all those equally realistic suggestions like “Make a salad in the shape of a clown’s face and your toddler will happily eat cucumber” – oh wait, that last one IS real, isn’t it?
>YOU ALWAYS make me laugh. That is hilarious.OH can you fax me over the poster pull out of the sexiest guys in children’s tv?Yeah Peter is a peter and obviously never had a toddler.
>I would take that letter, and use as the foreword on your new book entitled (my suggestion)–“The book that doesn’t lie. For mothers of children who are begging to be sent away. The early years.”I don’t know if this “humor” thing is new among women, but if I saw your version of that book on the shelf, I’d definitely pick it up.
>Bwahahaha!!! Love it.
>that’s too funny, considering that book has been read way too much and used too little. Personally, I think some of the chapters could stay – well, the breastfeeding one anyway, lol!
>Love it!!Those “what to expect” books loose their charm afer the “expecting” one. By child #2 I’d forgotten where I’d put my copies, and was all the happier for it.THe zooboomafoo guys are hot….
>Hahahaha! Too damn funny. Perhaps Peter was feeling inadequate about the size of his own Feathersword?Thanks for the giggles.
>The nice thing about having more than one child is that darn book falls behind a couch somewhere and gets forgotten.I actually like Toddler Years much better than their Pregnancy book. Now that was awaful.
>LOL…YOu are going to hell, you know that right?But don’t worry, I’ll save you a seat. 🙂
>Would-be-vixen! That’s me! Sweetheart, be a dear and fetch mommy another martini.
>You are cracking me up again! Thanks!
>Lucinda – I love this. Made my day again. Who would have kids if books were this honest?! And I agree with the others that once that anxious first year of milestones passed, even I, the queen of reading and researchign everything to within an inch of its life, have hardly cracked a book more than once or twice. Why bother? The kid’ll only change the rules the next day anyway. And Tiff – no, ONE of the Zoboomafoo guys is cute, the other looks like a dork. It must suck to be the ugly brother.
>I love the book suggestions! I know I was taught at a very young age to make my mother a sweetened manhattan, and somehow I didn’t grow up to be an alcoholic, so it must be okay.
>Why oh why do we have to scrap it when it speaks VOLUMES of truth. This is the book I have been searching for!!!
>Oh lord… Tears are streaming down my face. Too good. Too true.
>Lucinda, I missed this post the first time around. Luckily Chag linked to it. Hilarious!!
>This is the first time that I read your blog and you are hilarious. I’m sure to be visiting quite often.