>Knock Knock.
>There’s nothing that can reduce me to a quivering, heart-racing lump like the sound of my own doorbell.
You know what I mean? You’re home alone, expecting no one, when the doorbell rings. If you’re like me, you don’t answer it. It’s not safe for one thing and for another, you’re wearing a Milwaukee Hurling Club t-shirt and your oldest pair of underwear. Or is that just me?
Anyway, since the stylish glass panels on either side of our front door give strangers and riff raff a full view of our entire first floor, I generally have to run to the laundry closet when the doorbell rings and hide, cringing, until the ringer gives up and goes away. But recently, Baby has been making things more difficult.
A few weeks ago, an unexpected doorbell ring sent me scurrying off to my hiding place, without giving me time to scoop Baby up from where she was playing a few feet away in the kitchen.
Ding dong.
Baby was just out of the sight line of the front door. I peered out at her from the closet. Stay there, Baby, I mouthed as she looked up at me curiously.
“Da doooooor!” She shouted. “Mama, da doooor!”
Ding dong.
“Stay there!”
Of course, Baby, being the obedient child that she is, immediately stood up and went to see what all the fuss was about.
“No!” I whispered sternly. “NO! You come back here right now!” Too late. She had rounded the corner and stopped short, staring shyly at whomever was looking in through the front door window. Unseen just a few inches away, I began softly pleading with her. “Come here, Baby. Come to mommy!”
Ding dong.
“Mama, doooor!” she said, looking over at me. She pointed at the mystery person. “Doooooor!”
Ding dong.
Okay. The ringer had clearly seen Baby and knew someone was home.
I desperately wanted to reach out and grab her, but not at the expense of a stranger seeing my high school era Victoria’s Secret finery. Frantically, I searched the cabinets for a lasso or a long cane, but all I came up with was a mesh laundry bag. I tried to throw it over her shoulders and pull her toward me, but it merely bounced off her arm and hit the floor.
Meanwhile, Baby continued staring for another long minute, until the ringer finally gave up and went away. I have no idea whom the person was- or why he didn’t report our house to Child Protective Services for leaving a baby unattended and/or potentially abusing her with a laundry bag. I guess I was just lucky.
It was probably just another door-to-door salesman. We get a lot of those, despite the nice big sign at the front of our neighborhood that says “NO SOLICITING.” Generally, they’re young, impoverished-looking and selling something sketchy like magazine subscriptions. (“Oh yeah! I’d love a subscription to Get the Fuck Outta Here, do you have that one?”)
But yesterday, a salesman rang our doorbell who wasn’t like the others. Mercifully, Baby was taking her nap, so I said a silent prayer of gratitude from the closet. After a few moments, I carefully peered around the corner and saw through the window the sleeve of an expensive-looking pin-striped suit. Once he’d left, I opened the door and grabbed the pamphlet that dude had thoughtfully wedged in the doorjamb.
Edward Jones? Since when was Edward Jones sending employees door to door?
But wait. The name on the enclosed business card was familiar.
Then it hit me. Those of you who’ve been reading for a while will remember that on Halloween, my stepdaughters brought home the most freakish “treat” ever in their bags. Remember this?
You guessed it. The same man who brought us “Won’t it Be Spooky If You Can’t Afford To Send Your Kids to College?” is now perhaps the world’s only Investment Planning Peddler.
>My brothers and I would run and hide if someone knocked and my mom wasn’t around. Usually it was the UPS driver. Now a days I run with glee if the UPS driver shows up, towards him, not away. He usually has art supplies or something from ebay!Once when my oldest was about three we pulled in while the UPS driver was delivering a package and she excalimed “Look! The little PS driver is here!!”
>There’s a man who puts the trick in or trick-or-treat…all friggin’ year ’round.
>Oh man, we have the same crap in our neighborhood! Especially the magazine pushers. And, I have been in that same predicament with my daughter too. My son knows to just ignore the door and stay out of view. I swear, one day I will get shutters for my door’s side windows and I will finally be FREE to walk around in my ugliest of nightshirts. FREE, I tell you! hehehehe
>We seem to have an overabundance of Jehovah’s Witnesses in our hood. You know what, I’ve already got a religion – THANK YOU!
>Next time open the door with your Arbonne kit and ask him if he’d be interested in buying anything for his wife. Hit him with your best sales pitch before he even has time to open his mouth and then when/if he declines, sweetly thank him and shut the door. He won’t know what hit him 😉
>I’m with ya. We live in a gated complex, so when someone rings the doorbell, I know it’s someone who’s breached the fortress…and I ignore them. Either that, or I tell them through the door to go away. Yep, I’m social that way. ;^)
>I really do think you ought to consider putting curtains or blinds on those windows pronto!
>Ya, do what kenju said. Either that, or give me your address. I’d pay to see that!
>oh man, your salesmen give you free Hershey bars with the propoganda? I feel robbed!! 🙂
>What a cheesy way to make a living. Speaking of cheese, I only open the door for the pizza delivery guy. And that’s because I’m expecting him, of course. Anyone else who rings my bell just gets a lot of barking. Sometimes my dog even barks, too.
>I always hide too! And I’m with mommak: time to bust out that Arbonne and do some peddlin’
>So glad to know I’m not the only ones who ignores the doorbell. I also let the phone go to the answering machine 80% of the time. What is WRONG with me?!
>Wait til baby’s old enough to insist on answering the phone!
>I never answer the door. But like you, they know I’m home because my daughter SCREAMS “Daddy! Someone’s at the door!” and then immediately looks out the window.
>So, my new place has those full length windows on the side of the door, as well.One side looks into the livingroom, the other side looks up the staircase.I.have.NOWHERE.to.hide.This PARICULARLY sucks, because I grew up a Jehovah’s Witness (and have since been ceramoniously booted from the fold), and now that I’m back in the city that I lived in when I got booted, my parents are sending the local high-ups to my door.Again, I.have.NOWHERE.to.hide.And my 6 year old screams “DOOOOOOOOR!!” whenever anyone shows up.And, I have a baby that likes to cry and talk/scream LOUDLY.I am SO screwed.They won’t leave me alone. They feel I MUST “see the light” and return to the church.SO not happening.
>I know how you feel! Unless I’m expecting someone, the ONLY people who come by after dark are those magazine sellers who try to engage you in a friendly conversationa about how lucky you are to live in a nice house and how they (the unlucky) would like to live in a house like yours, too. Then they ask how you got your start. I always say, “I went to college and got a degree”. That usually shuts them up…for about 15 seconds…before they recover and then address it from a different angle. They’re just looking for points and wouldn’t I like to help them out by buying a $20 subscription to a magazine I don’t need or want for $35??It’s a total scam. These kids get dropped off in vanloads to go door to door. You know…a real job where they stay in one place would be a helluva lot easier. Uh…sorry for the tangent. Yes, next time, totally answer the door in your crappy underwear. Give Mr. Ed an eyefull.
>well if tom cruise comes to your door, use the bazooka to answer it.
>You have me leaking from everywhere. Big fat hysterical happy tears rolling down my cheeks, and urine. Oh the urine.
>Oh I so love those kind of doorbell ringer surprises. Been caught a few times myself! Great post! LOL!
>Get dogs – big ones. I’ve got two of the stupidest German Shepherds to ever grace the planet, but they make a lot of noise and look scary. Then we all have a laugh as they try to reverse up my very steep driveway without plunging into the trees. Good times.
>That whole trying to lasso the baby thing!!! Way to funny, Im the same way my kids look at me like Im crazy when I wont answer the door. My oldest asked are we in the witness protection program or something ( you see she is almost 13 and trying out her new teen sarcasm) Its nice to know I am not the only one out there who does this lol.
>Why don’t kids listen lol. I do the same thing when solicitors come to my door and what do my kids do. They run to the window to see who it is after I have told them to stay away from the window.
>We get high school kids who ring the doorbells and ask for tobacco. In fact, just the other day, one rang the doorbell, and since I was expecting a package, I answered the door. There was a lout, in full uniform, staring back at me. “Do you have any cigars?”I blinked a couple of times and firmly shut the door. That’s happened about 3 times now, and it’s starting to creep me out.