>Lucinda’s Advice Column
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Roadkill makeup Arbonne- Cranston, RI
Itchy balls Arbonne- Auburn, WA
Ah, Arbonne. I write one post about a friend-turned-Arbonne-makeup-consultant and suddenly, Arbonne friends and foes are coming out of the woodwork. You wouldn’t believe how many consultants have tried to peddle their wares in the comments of that post. Let me just say right here and now, bitches, that’s not what my comments are for.
BUT, when I learned from a Google searcher that Arbonne is apparently coming out with a new line of makeup for roadkill, I was thrilled! After all, what possum doesn’t want a little color on his cheeks when his innards are spread across the highway for all to see?
Even better, apparently, Arbonne products cure itchy balls! Who knew? Soon men will be lining up for Arbonne’s age defying creamy goop, and you heard it here first.
My mom was wearing a sexy white shirt with top buttons undone showing off lots of lovely cleavage- Istanbul
That’s quite a descriptive search you’ve got there, dude, and I’m not at all surprised that it led you here. And yet, as far as I know, I’ve not mothered anyone currently living in Istanbul. So sadly, I’ll have to send you on your way.
Does your teacher change your diaper in front of the class at age 12?- Worcester, MA
Um. No.
Satan Claus- Abingdon, VA
Good old Satan Claus. I’ve heard he’s responsible for that cow turd dressed up like a cowboy you found under the tree back in ’87.
Stepdaughters from hell- Jasper, AL
I’d blame it on Satan Claus if I were you.
Tall person insults- Mancester, England
I personally like this one:
“Hey, how’s the weather up there?”
It gets ’em every time.
Hemmorhoid cream on your eyes- Mason, OH
I don’t really know what to say about this one. I’m just going to present it for your collective scorn.
Open butt disease hamsters- New Brunswick, Canada
Yet another reason why I’m not allowing hamsters into this house. I can just see the sign on the front door now: QUARANTINED: OCCUPANTS OF THIS HO– USE SUFFERING FROM OPEN BUTT DISEASE, THANKS TO FUFFLES THE HAMSTER.
Potty training carrying a poo in hand- London, England
I’ll have to admit, this is one potty training method I’ve never tried. Is this a British thing?
Sasha Cohen pubic hair- Boulder, CO
Irina Slutskaya pubic hair- Cleveland, OH
There are some mysteries in life that may never be solved, and I’m afraid I’ve found two of them.
Dealing with bitchy moms- Toronto, Canada
How on earth did you end up at my site???
>LMAO – man, you get all the good searches! Meanwhile, about the hemmorhoid cream – apparently it’s one of those makeup artist trick to bring down puffiness.
>ok, i’m from the gta area, but i swear, that last one wasn’t me!!!
>Open butt disease hamsters? WTF? I’ve been saving my weird google searches for a post as well, but I’ve got nothing close to the weirdness of these!
>I LOVE LOVE LOVE when you do this, it’s my favorite! I actually have a collection of funny searches saved in Word…but I don’t think I could be half as funny as you so in Word they have stayed. 🙂
>That is hilarious! I can’t believe people really search for stuff like that, it amazes me lolYou have a wicked sense of humour and I love it!!
>OMG! I’ve been a regular reader long enough to remember the posts that got you Googled! I really try NOT to say anything that will bring me freaky Googlers…but that’s just ME!
>I was giggling til I came to open butt disease hamster… excuse me, I’m laughing again… and I scared the cat laughing.
>Damn! Those are some good-un’s! I’m sooo jealous…I’ve always wanted to be the ‘bitchy mom’. Thought of you tonight when I was checking out at the grocery store. Come by and see why!
>And I thought a “pretty Butts” search leading to my site was good…
>I for one do not think that twelve year-olds are qualified to be teachers, let alone changing diapers in front of their students. This disturbs me for many reasons.
>English people are obsessed with the weather!! It;s nuts.
>Why didn’t I think of that when I was potty training? That sure would’ve saved me alot of laundry if I had simply CARRIED THE POO IN MY HAND.I’ll be laughing about this one all night.
>Open-butt hamster disease. That. was. awesome.~Jennyhttp://blogs.chron.com/mamadrama/
>LMAO. The one from Istanbul is the best. Look at you, reaching out to millions.
>The hamster one is classic. Oh, and that extra long search as well. Open Butt Disease…hmm. Never heard of it, and I don’t dare Google it.
>Okay, I laughed out loud, but I laughed with you, not at you. After all, I was stupid enough to put the word “poop” in my blog’s name.
>this is the most bizarre post! Omi! ( is it Monday? ) Have you had your coffee?I really AM this gullible.
>OBDH… ahh, back in my day we just called it cooties. You know you’ve arrived when you get hit for bitchy mom.
>I’m so afraid now. I have the words “bouncy” and “balls” in my title today. I’m considering renaming it…
>Mine aren’t nearly that fun. It’s all naughty housewives and doing naughty things to mommy.Sigh.
>Your search columns always make me chuckle out loud. Not a good thing at work!
>yThe open butt hamster disease had me laughing so hard I cried…In reference to the next post, do you think that the itchy balls cream may help in the blue balls department as well? An all-purpose Arbonne ball cream?
>Hee!Hemorrhoid cream is teh shit for undereye puffiness, bags, and wrinkles. Seriously. Don’t spend any money on those expensive undereye treatment creams; just invest in a jumbo tube of Preparation H. (It also does wonders at de-reddening angry red zits.)
>LOL. Satan Claus. That’s awesome.
>Gee thanks a lot… I’ve just woken up my kid from laughing so damn loud.Too good. I love your advice!