>Shitty Friend Syndrome
>Last night, I pulled out a cookbook given to me by my high school friend, Cindy. Re-reading her loopy handwriting on the inside cover, I thought about how much fun we’d had in high school. Man, I miss Cindy, I thought. I wonder why we haven’t talked in so long?
Then I remembered. Betch never called me back. And she changed her e-mail without bothering to give me a new address.
I’ll just come right out and say it. I suffer from Shitty Friend Syndrome.
Because Cindy’s behavior is nothing new. Back in high school, she stabbed me in the back a good five or ten times a week. There was the time, for example, when she went to prom with my ex-boyfriend, who asked her to the dance a day after breaking up with me because I wouldn’t get, uh, frisky with him.
“I know he’s just asking me to make you mad,” she told me on the phone that day, “but I’m going anyway.”
“How could you do this to me?” I gasped.
“What?!” she shouted. “Here I have the decency to call you myself and tell you rather than you finding out about it from someone else and you’re trying to make me feel guilty about it?”
She was mad at me for weeks afterward. Yeah. She was mad at me.
Oh, don’t get the wrong idea. I wasn’t one of those wishy washy girls who’s regularly tossed aside like last week’s In Touch. I just hadn’t developed the ability to know a Shitty Friend when I saw one. A few days after Cindy had committed her latest transgression, I’d remember how we drank coffee and talked for hours at Dunkin’ Donuts. How we rode around in her car singing at the top of our lungs. How we choreographed the Spring Fling dance together. Everyone makes mistakes, I’d think, and promptly forgive her.
And damned if she didn’t pull the same kind of crap again the very next week.
“I know we’re supposed to go to Leah’s party tonight,” she said on a Friday afternoon at 6, “but Matt Flannigan just called and asked me on a date. You understand.”
“I understand my parents are going out of town and I’m spending the night at your house!” I said. “What am I supposed to do?” I was 15 and couldn’t drive. We lived 30 minutes away from most of our friends.
“My parents will be there,” she said. “You can hang out with them. I don’t understand what the problem is. They know you’re staying with us!”
She had done it again.
Shitty Friend Syndrome, people. Think of it as emotional jock itch.
Today, I am in recovery. Yet every now and then, I still get sucked in by a Shitty Friend. There’s the one who runs thirty minutes to an hour late every single time we meet, with absolutely no explanation.
There’s the one who calls and talks on and on about herself, yet suddenly has to go the moment the conversation turns to my life.
And of course, there’s Cindy. Who probably doesn’t qualify as a friend at all anymore, since she hasn’t bothered to contact me in at least four years.
And for some reason, that makes me just a little bit… sad.
>I’ve had a few friends like that in my day. It makes me sad too because there was the part of them I liked so much, and then there was the SF part. What drove them to be a SF when they could have so easily been a GF? Who knows. Biotches. But they’re not the ones that matter! Leave ’em in the past where they belong.
>I agree with Stellar there. I had a SF once, she definitely wasn’t worth being sad over. You have lots of other friends who enjoy being around you, and remembering you. Just like I do. We’re both much better than those SFs. *hugs* Have a great weekend!
>I had a SF in highschool. Then I moved. Where I promptly made met another SF. Years later, I am still dealing with said SF. But isn’t knowing they are the shits half the battle?
>I am constantly dealing with SF’s. I don’t know why I just can’t seem to kick them to the curb but I always give them another chance!!
>Ohmigod I’m totally back in high school and having to call my mom at 2am to come pick me up on the lawn of a frat house because my best friend took off with some guy and never came back for me because she was pretty sure that “ted” (yeah…his name was realy steve she found out later) was “the one”. Ah friendship…~Jennyhttp://blogs.chron.com/mamadrama/
>The worst part about a SF is that the good parts are so good – I have one I still think about calling (even though it’s been near two years)- have to remind myself of all the drama (and the no calls once the drama gets resolved)Sigh.
>Can I just say, we were shitty because our Dad’s left a hole in our hearts that we were trying to fill. Now that we’re done dating the losers, and are fat, happily married and have four kids, we are Oh So Sorry we were so wretchedly pathetic.-Former SF
>After I left high school, I lost touch with all of my good friends. After awhile, I really felt like I was missing out on something, so I tried to rekindle the friendships. What a waste of time, I quickly remembered why I no longer hung out with them. They were all a bunch of moochers. I am one of those people that will do and do and do and do for other people, but in that one moment when I need help myself, I often found myself without anyone to do for me. That’s changed now, I have a smaller, but much closer, group of friends. It is so much better this way.
>I have an SF too. Except, even though my mom kept telling me she was an SF, I kept right on being there for her (and always when her SF couldn’t be there for HER). It wasn’t until my wedding that I had finally had enough. To this day, she still asks about me to people or tries to strike up conversations if I can’t dodge her in the store, but I still keep my distance. I even had to block her on AIM. Her powers won’t work on me anymore, dammit! 😉
>Holy crap does this fit my mood today after talking to my neighbor and also watching a lot of catty women be shitty friends to another friend of mine at our bunco last night. What is up with people these days? Oh man, this is a whole blog rant just waiting to come out, let me tell you!
>The problem with SF’s is simple, they are so much fun when they’re not shitting on us. Damn, we all have one in our past. We miss her but despise all the shit she drags along.
>Women can be such bitches. Of course with age (and wisdom hopefully!), we know that a true friend is worth the ups and downs, the time and effort, to maintain. Keep the good ones, throw the rest in a steaming heap of compost.
>OHMAN. I seem to attract SFs like nobody’s business. Or they are crazy, or both. But, like everybody else above me has already said, the big time problem is when they are NOT being SF they make you feel good, like emotionally, or they make you laugh, or something. It’s very very intoxicating. I think that SF know just the right balance of being BAD and then being so much fun and awesome that you are willing to put up with the BS to have the good times. It’s kind of like an abusive relationship, huh? We could coin a term, “abused friend syndrome”. I think millions of women probably have it, don’t you? Gawd. When will we learn….hmmmm….
>The girl who talks about herself nonstop – that’s my SIL. ACK. And I have a few shitty friends, however, I’ve been cutting them loose. Don’t have time anymore. Gotta blog. 🙂
>Aw, Lucinda! I think we’ve all encountered this breed, and probably fallen for it. Move to Italy! I’d love to be your non-shitty friend.
>i have a subheading for your sf category:pf. puh-sycho friend. i have had a few of those. o, more than a few. after they weild the bread knife or try to topple my emotional empire, i am still able to find some sort of scripture to support why i should still allow them into my circle of influence. i’m pretty sure that i would even take the person who mowed down my family in mcdonald’s under my wing, if in that circumstance…i finally had to try and learn after looking back at the road of tears and wreckage. but WHY? i would think. anyhoo…
>Yeah, sure, Lucinda. But think of all the b**g friends you got — way more than any friends you lost. And we are forever, too. (Some of us.)
>It’s really sad that so many of us have had SFs. I’ve encountered them my entire life, even as a “grown up.”
>Ah, yes, SFS. I’ve had a few. In fact, still do. There’s my ex-best friend who, when I told her I was pregnant (against all the odds, mind you) in my fug of happiness, was overcome with shock and couldn’t speak. Then the phone rang and it was her “boy friend” who she’d met on the internet two weeks earlier. So she went off and spoke to him for 25 minutes. Then there was….oh I could go on. But this is your blog, not mine! Suffice to say, there are far too many SFs around.
>Fug of happiness? Fog, I meant FOG!
>I had a severe case of highs chool SFS and then one day (actually my 30th birthday) I cut every single one loose. How liberating!! They all sucked and I knew it. Two years later and I don’t miss them a lick. Rotten bitches.PS- I’m not example example 2, right ??
>Ha ha! Of course not.
>What amazes me is their ability to make everything about them, including finding a way to be offended when they are the one doing something wrong. I have lots of SF. I don’t trust them, I don’t rely on them, I have no high expectations of our relationship, but for some reason I don’t stop caring about them either. I know that most of them are broken and hurting at some level and I am there for them when they actually need a real friend to give that help that might change things for them finally. (I’ve learned not to get sucked in by the manufactured urgency of a false crisis.) I’ve had a couple of SF become real friends as the years go by and they grow up/heal/change. So I won’t write them off yet.
>I was called the SF before and the one time I stood up for myself and tried to call a g-friend out on what she was doing she turned it all ass-backwards and it became my fault. I wish you didn’t have so many people who understand. Do you follow that? Like: I wish there weren’t so many SFs out there that so many of US can relate.
>Isnt that our biggest problem? We feel sad, we miss these toxic friends and wish we could talk to them again. If we did, wouldn’t we just fall back into the same pattern? It’s almost like we WANT to.
>I had a shitty friend like that when I was at school. She was called Fran and when I was thirteen she made me accompany her to her boyfriend’s house and sit on their bed – on top of them!! – while they made out. Her boyfriend thoughtfully provided a book of greek poetry for me to read until they um, completed their transaction. Fran was a lot of fun in a lot of ways, but we parted ways when she kept up this bizarre, boys are more important than friendship crap.
>I think we’ve all experienced SFS… I’m trying hard to be selective in my old age. If I find myself with a SF, I promptly dump them. I can’t be bothered hanging with people who are selfish and inconsiderate.LBC
>I have had quite a few SFs over the years. I can honestly say that I have made better friends through blogging that I have face to face.
>Great post. I can think of someone in my life that fits this description perfectly. And it is sad. Cuz even though they’ve pissed us off, they’ve given us lots of good times too and it’s the good times that I miss.
>I’m telling you….being a friend is an artform. Not enough people understand this! Geez, you could’ve crawled into my brain with this post….it never gets easier, does it? It’s those of us who are GOOD friends that always attract the shitty ones. Go figure.
>Very interesting. I just did a Friendship Spotlight – all warm and fuzzy. And now after reading this I’m all fired up and want to write about SFs. I wish that could be an actual diagnosis””I’m sorry Ms. X, but you’ve got a flaming case of SFS. Shitty Friend Syndrome. You’re going to need extensive therapy to cure this.”You should have tagged everyone to write in on their SFS. By the way, whatever happened to the Perfect Post Buttons?
>Yes, i’ve had some shitty friends in the past, and i tossed them all in the dumpster where they all belonged. You are right to say that she never was a friend to begin with, and you are much better off not knowing people like her! They never did you any good in the first place, so losing them as friends will not make a big dent i your life. I am sure you are surrounded with tons of really great and caring friends who truly matter 🙂
>Sweetie, the Perfect Post buttons are looking fine to me. Probably, Photobucket was temporarily down- that would make any photos that link to Photobucket inoperable.
>I had a friend exactly like Cindy. She also dropped contact with me, yet I find myself thinking about her and hoping to get in touch with her. Damn it!
>What a good way of putting the situation with a SF. You may still hate her, but dammit, it would be nice if she called and asked how you were…sigh.
>Your very eloquent post has provoked a deja vu back to my senior year in H.S. and my S.F.F. (Shitty FORMER Friend) Leia. The guy she was smitten with had fallen for ME. (I, on the other hand, was completely oblivious to this fact, and even gone and fallen for a different boy–the one who turned out to to be the LOML.) After her jealousy had simmered for long enough, Leia and 3 other FF’s teamed up and sent me an actual Sympathy card, all proclaiming their sincerest sympathy for me that Leia’s crush had fallen for me. At the ripe old age of 18, I did not react or acknowledge this card in any way. I was too young and naive to understand that kind of stupid jealousy. Leia and I went our separate ways, and at the only class reunion she ever attended, she gave me the icy-cold shoulder. I view that as HER loss. She married the first guy that gave her a second look, and had what appears to me as a horrible life. It makes me wonder: Does what goes ’round truly come ’round?
>I haven’t read the preceeding comments so forgive me if I repeat, but I am thinking the word here is, “frenemy”… anyone remember that Sex & the City episode??
>I have definitely had some SF but I’ve also been one. It has taken me a long time to learn how to be a good friend so while I relate to your story I also feel guilty for all my worstest moments…
>You’ve clearly hit on something pretty universal with this post. I’ve always called them The Energy Suckers. Sometimes I get sucked (yep) in as well but I find I resist much better the older I get. Life’s too short to spend it with assholes.
>I was friends with the funniest girl in the world in high school. She was always adventurous and sassy, and we had a lot of fun. Flash forward to our early twenties; she’d wound up in a new apartment and needed furniture, so I loaned her some nice wingback chairs and a couple of end tables I wasn’t using — with the understanding that when she could afford furniture she’d give me my stuff back. She fell out of touch and her number was disconnected. When our high school reunion rolled around, she crashed it and sat in the hotel lobby, holding forth. When she saw me, she casually said, “Oh, by the way, I sold your furniture,” and kept on gabbing. Ta-da! She got the SF crown that night, and I never tried to look her up again.
>Oh I’ve had the shitty friends too…great post. lol.
>I so totally agree with what Carrien said. I actually just recently went through a similar scenario. Someone asks for your opinion…you give it to them, but it is the opposite of what they want to hear, and it is manipulated into how YOU are the bad person. I refuse to fall into that trap again.I also agree that I’ve met better friends online than IRL.
>Wow, did this post hit home!I had a similar experience in high school, except my “friend” told me that my crush was going to ask me to the prom, but he asked her instead…she never said a thing….then she blamed me for being upset. That was over 25 years ago, and believe me, it still hurts.
>I don’t have SFs anymore, or if I do I’m too consumed to spend time thinking hard about it. Most of my Mom friends are at least a little flaky but we accept that about each other.Generally, I’m a no nonsense kind of girl. I move on if a friend makes me feel bad abouty myself…or I keep them as a friend but expect little from them. That works well for me.
>hunny your blog just made me feel soo much better that im not the only person dealing w/ incredibly SF’s right now!!
>I have two SF’s right now. I moved in with them with and they have teamed up against me. Always smiling and grinning behinde my back and making me feel like shit. I can’t wait when the lease is up and I can get out of here.
>Wow, you ladies have just saved my night.Am trying to figure out what the FUCK to do about my fucktard best friend who has recently started excluding me from her social life and yet still calls me up on Sunday evenings (after all the weekend partying is over and I haven’t been a part of it) to cry down the phone about how her whole world is falling apart for the millionth time.oooh, don’t you worry, this one is getting kicked to the curb. unfortunately, i imagine it’ll take half a year of not picking up the phone on Sunday nights.sigh….back to being lonely.
>It’s funny that I even found this website. I was feeling really fed up with my current friends and joking said to my finace’, I’m going to google “shitty friends”. Low and behold, this address was the very first result. While I haven’t had a Cindy in my life, I have had shitty friends. The one who only talks about themself and can’t ask me how MY day was, the ones that hang out behind my back and lie to my about it, and the generally selfish ones who no matter how long they’ve known me, can’t grasp the concept of the person I am.It’s a frusterating process. If only there was a nice way to point out the ways friends aren’t being very good friends. Usually, if such a feet is attempted, the conversation usually ends with “Well YOU did this and this and this…”But no matter what, at the end of the day, I still feel a pang. A little bit of yearning for the girl that I used to stay up all night with talking about boys and making virgin daquiris with. No matter how old I get, I’ll still always pray for the day when my shitty friends may not be quite so shitty…
>I’m 33 and I still suffer from SFS. You pour your heart out to these women you are told time and time again that its in the vault. But then I find out from my long time boyfriend that she was telling him stories about me. Do people have nothing better to talk about than other people, get a fucking like is what I say. It really makes me want to hang out with me, myself and I! Why can’t women just keep there fucking fat mouths shut. I would never spill a friends stories or secrets as that is just wrong!!!! You tell someone something in confidence expecting it to stay with your friend what a joke. All I have to say is ladies treat others the way you want to be treated and live by that motto, oh yeah and don;t talk about your friends!!!Sorry to sound so bitter but I just can’t believe that she would do that to me.
>dang.. never knew anyone else suffered from sfs. it was just today, sfs strikes again. made me feel like i was back in freshman year, waiting for my ride to come pick me up, all alone… late as usual. while all my friends just casually decided to leave or walk home, cause i lived quite a ways away from school. anyways today, while all my sffs decide to make dinner plans right in front of me, they didn’t have the decency to even invite me. WTF? and this isn’t the first time… they decided to throw a going away party, “for me” and other people who were going away. and they casually FORGOT to invite me. and right when i get back, they were all like, “oh whatd you get me? i missed you so much!” FUCK THEM AND THEIR BULL. god, someone tell me why i wasted 5 years of my life with these true to life BITCHES?
>I am a shitty friend MAGNENT! luckily I too have realized you just need to cut that shit loose and I have/do.Still, though. I attract them like crazy. Maybe I am putting out some sort of shitty friend pheremones or something…
>Yeah, I had several shitty friends, but when I look back on it, there were definitely times I was a SF to other people. We were all a bit selfish when we were young. I try really hard now to be a good friend. I still find myself occasionally trying a little too hard though.
>I've resolved to stop being around shitty friends, I don't have the energy to care about people who don't care about me.