>Lucinda’s Advice Column- December 2005
>Judging from the Google and Yahoo searches that have led people to this yere website, I’m realizing that a lot of people out there in need are in dire need of my help. Seriously.
So in the spirit of giving, here’s the first (and perhaps last) edition of:
Lucinda’s Advice Column.
You search. I advise.
Santa bringing BOOBIES- Phoenix, AZ
Okay, Phoenix. I’m thinking you’re about ten years old and your parents aren’t home. So let’s you and me get one thing straight. Santa is not bringing you any BOOBIES. Not now and possibly not ever. In the meantime, I advise you to check underneath the mattress on your dad’s side of the bed. There, you should find plenty of BOOBIES to go around.
Latex soccer mom- Croatia
You know, you Eastern Europeans have some wacky ideas about us soccer moms. Everyone knows we do not wear latex… Come on! What would the other moms say?
We switched to vinyl years ago. It’s so much more comfortable on the field, and it comes in array of team colors. My advice: Modify your search and get back to me. And on that note…
Free hottest soccer mom- Ontario
Excuse me? What makes you think you can find a free soccer mom, let alone a free hot one? With two carpools, play group, housekeeping, dinner every night, high school play rehearsals, indoor soccer games, church and freelance work going on, I don’t have an opening in my schedule for the next six months. Sorry. Can’t help you.
What does a doctor think about a 14-year-old wearing diapers?- Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Well, I’m no doctor, but I’m guessing he’d think it’s pretty fucking weird. Does that answer your question?
My 12-year-old still likes wearing pull-up diapers- Temecula, California
Um. Okay. Thanks for sharing. You and the last searcher need to get together and kvetch.
Diaper humiliation ideas for adult baby- Mexico
Here’s an idea. Send me a picture of this adult baby. I will post it. We will laugh at you. Instant humiliation.
Beagle poo- Abington, Massachusetts
So. You want to know about beagle poo. It’s brown. It’s cylinder-shaped. It smells like hell. Are we good? I’m going to advise you to find something better to do with your spare time, ‘kay?
Lots of brown stretchy cervical mucus- United Kingdom
Get thee to an OB/GYN. Pronto. Now please excuse me while I run to the nearest toilet and dry heave.
How did Lindsay Lohan gain her weight back?- Hialeah, FL
I think she probably ate a lot. You know, they really should pay me for this.
Well, folks, that’s all the advice I have time to give out today. Keep searching… And I’ll keep making fun of you.
>Thanks, I was in need of a laugh.
>You are a genius!! When will they syndicate your newspaper column? Maybe you can even be Oprah’s new best friend. If you are, can I meet her & get one of her goody bags? I could really use the pick-me-up.
>Just wondering how you know which search words bring people to your site?
>Oh God you are killing me! You are too great!!
>Oh yeah. I should answer the “How do you know this stuff?” question, because I once wondered the very same thing not so long ago.I use http://www.sitemeter.com and it shows the referring site for this website (which might be the page that came up in a Google or Yahoo search), as well as the general location of each reader. Get it for your blog. It’s free. It’ll give you lots of laughs and will probably creep you out as well (What’s with all the weird sex searches coming out of the Middle East?).
>I laughed out loud several times.Did I miss some posts about your step-daughters wearing diapers, and your brown fluid (uh-hum) issue. If I did, no need to forward those on.LOL
>I have some pretty weird search results too, and I cannot imagine what these people are really looking for! Merry Christmas!
>stretchy brown cervical mucus? so that is a problem?eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!
>I can’t wait til you show the pic of the adult in a diaper! 😉
>People are very, very strange.
>That was so awesome!!! You are the queen of funny 🙂
>Definitely some weirdos out there, but YOU are just the woman to put them in their place. You really should start your own advice column and call it “Smart-ass Advice for Dumb-ass questions” – Merry Christmas!!
>Oh, the hyphens were intentional, not grammatically correct, I know. (and paranoid about this kind of crap)
>LOL!Love it.Please please keep it up!
>Search string referrer stats rock! But people are deeply weird.Merry HoHo!
>Holy crapballs that was funny…….so was the fartsucker who googled “my husband thinks my vagina is too big” and got my blog. Ha ha. Me thinks her husband has a small penis…Have a very merry christmas!
>Lucinda, you got my attention on the mommybloggers Smackdown. First, it was your Ricky Schroader answer, which I commented on, but, like a dork, left it in the wrong post.Then I saw your answer about the milk, and had to check out your blog, which is my new favorite. I haven’t gone back to read the rest of the smackdown answers, because your blog is just too good!Thanks for the great writing, the sense of humor, and the entertainment!
>Merry Christmas from momsterland!
>Everytime you answer these questions, your googlerank just goes up the next time. You have cornered the beagle poo diaper humilation demographic.Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
>Oh. My. Gawd. People really are sick aren’t they? Holy cow. You really got some doozies there. Cervical mucus? Ewww!