>Lucinda’s Advice Column- January 2006
>So far, the new year has brought many a Googler to my door here at Suburban Turmoil. And despite evidence to the contrary, I’m no hardhearted bitch. I feel compelled to give them a little something for their efforts.
You guessed it, folks… It’s the January 2006 edition of….
Lucinda’s Advice Column
Good Advice for Bad Googlers
Fucking baby makers- Norfolk, NE
Norfolk, I get the impression you’re looking merely for a sympathetic ear- and I am so feeling you. They take up all the good tables at O’Charleys with their mealy-mouthed broods. They block your way to the Campbell’s soup with their enormous car-shaped carts. They make wayyy too much noise during King Kong. Their minions projectile vomit in the unlikeliest of places.
Fucking baby makers.
“She’s nice” “What does that mean”- Reston, VA
Ohhhh, the dreaded “she’s nice.” Well, it’s pretty apparent that the ‘she’ in question is butt ugly. And I’ll bet someone’s trying to set you up with her. I’ve written a statement for you to memorize: “I appreciate your efforts to help me find a date before I’m 41, but I’m not really looking for nice. I’m looking for hot. Or at the very least, warm. Yeah. A warm body would be good… I’m definitely looking for someone who’s breathing. That is non-negotiable. What did you say this nice girl’s name was again?”
Cheating lying philandering husband his name is- Aliso Viejo, CA
His name is what?! His name is what?! Don’t just leave me hanging here. In order for me to help you, I must have his name. Also his social security number and address. Because this credit card application requires it. And Neiman’s is calling my name.
Humiliation dressed like a baby girl- Ottumwa, IA
This actually happened to me once. I was forced to wear a scratchy bonnet and suck on a pacifier while everyone stood around staring at me with goofy grins on their faces. Of course, I was only 6 months old at the time, but still. I will never live down the embarrassment.
So to all the baby Googlers out there, if you are feeling humiliated over your clothing status, just scream like hell every time your mommy tries to dress you. You will be down to diaper-only status in no time. Trust me on this one.
Adult diapers Lindsay Lohan- Peru
Lindsay Lohan is well-known for her fashion-forwardness. I mean, she did leggings before anyone was doing leggings. Well, I mean, no one ever really did leggings except her, but still, she was first Anyway. Peru here is totally on top of things, because recently, Lindsay Lo was spotted walking the red carpet in a sparkly top and an adult diaper. Designer, of course. My advice: Get your own now, while you can still be the first in your subdivision. Plain old Depends will work- Just sew a few sequins on and you’re good to go! And please, please send me a picture of your ensemble.
My husband is a liar- Pt. Orchard, WA
Oh really? And why should I believe you?
Mothers against mothers again- Salt Lake City, UT
Oh, the M.A.M.A.s. I hate that group. And I hear they’re lobbying certain members of the Senate pretty hard these days. Mothers Against Mothers Again really needs to get a grip, if you ask me. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having more than one child.
Santa elf topless- Seminole, TX
You sick bastard. It’s cold up there in the North Pole. Why would you even suggest that an elf go topless? Particularly when they’re already bottomless? Good Lord, I’ve had enough.
>This feature is quickly becoming oneof my favorites. Oh, and I think I may beable to help Aliso Viejo, CA. I’m just sayin!
>You’ve been nominated for an award in the “really fucking stupid blog awards.”
>Yowza…There are a lot of people out there with way too much time on their hands, especially the one searching for fucking baby makers. After reading your post, it all becomes so clear why so many of us are on meds.
>You get that name, you let me know. I could use a new Visa, ya know? 😉
>Adult diapers huh? EWWWWWWW!
>Hah. I know a whole bunch of people in Seminole, TX. I have a feeling I know who did the search for the topless Santa elf.
>You did get the strange Google topics! HA HA. I live in Texas and I don’t even know where Seminole is. Of course it’s too chilly to go around topless, even if you are an elf.
>You slay me…SERIOUSLY! I love you and your wit. I want to be you when I grow up! 🙂 Ok I’m done with the mush this morning!!!
>That’s the best advice I’ve gotten in years.
>That was me in VA…I really was just looking for tips since you’re such a sweetie pie! 😉
>Aw, you always get way better googles than me! I’m thinking of googling “how to get better googles” and seeing what happens…ok, even I’m not that much of a geek
>This is SUCH an original way to handle google searches!I get some interesting ones, as well, and I always want to showcase them somehow on my blog, but never thought of a good way.This is BRILLIANT! I won’t steal your idea, tho’, don’t worry. 🙂
>the M.A.M.A.s….ha!!! This was hysterical! “She’s nice” is my second fave….
>My favorite was your wicked wicked response to “she’s nice.” Bwaaaahhhhhaaaaa!
>Sweet Jello you’re funny as all hell.
>You sure know how to handle yourself in this crazy bloggin’ world. And you are funny while putting folks in their place! You rock.
>I’m laughing too hard to write!
>nothing from canada, eh?phew.
>It never occurred to me that people could find me through a Googling error. Yikes!
>My best one to date is “tween lesbian summer camp”. I was only item 132 which made me appreciate the perserverance of the person that checked out the 131 sites higher than mine first.
>Oh man. Fucking baby makers. Your response was priceless!
>I get lots of hits from people looking for the lyrics to “Honkey Tonk Badonkadonk.” Pathetic.
>Hilarious!