>Moral: Don’t Lie to Your Mother
>It is time. Time to photocopy all (er, almost all) of my Nashville Scene columns and bring them home to my mother.
“I’m glad you’re bringing them,” she told me on the phone yesterday. “But I’ll just bet I could go online and find them myself!”
“No, Mom, you couldn’t!” I said quickly. “It’s like, really complicated. The site’s like a maze, actually. You’d never find me. Never!“
“Well, I’ll just wait then,” she said, reluctantly. “And I’m not going to read them while you’re visiting. I’m going to wait until after you’ve left, so that I can take it all in.”
I thought about her reaction to the word crap in my first column. “Yeah. I think that’s probably a good idea.”
“Why?” she said quickly. “You haven’t written anything about me, have you?”
“Of course not!” I laughed in the merry way of a soap opera party hostess, then looked up quickly to see if a lightning bolt was headed my way.
Because you just don’t lie to your mama. You just don’t. I spent the rest of the day waiting to be hit by a stray meteor or electrocuted by my toaster oven.
Nothing happened, though. Until last night.
We went to Target to get my Dyson? And of course they were all sold out. No big deal, because they’re offering free shipping this week on Dysons at Target.com. Smugly, I placed my online order the moment we got home.
A little while later, I opened my order acknowledgment e-mail….
SHIPPING ESTIMATE FOR THESE ITEMS: October 23, 2006
ESTIMATED DELIVERY: October 30, 2006-November 1, 2006
Crap.
>I used to have my old Live Journal adress as a signature on my email. I would delete it when I emailed my mom, and all was well.Until I forgot one day.So my mom got to read all my cursing, talking about drunken debauchery, waking up topless next to a friend, etc.It was great.
>Well.I can relate. I have to wait that long for my In-Step mall cruiser double jogging stroller with swivel wheel for pretend-joggers. Now, at least EVERYONE wants a dyson. Who but me would go nuts over a SPECIFIC stroller because the In-Step safarii TT double stroller doesn’t come in black/red?p.s. um, so I clicked on that planet mom link and was compelled to buy two shirts that summed up my life. I don’t mind the two shirts part so much as my life can be summed up in two general statements. And yes, I used your blog name to get 20 percent off.
>Awesome. I need to put that discount in the post.
>That is karma for you! Why will it take so long to arrive???Darn Target!
>Mom karma is the worst. And infallible, too.
>AHHHHH I HATE TARGET.COM for that VERY REASON. I bet you don’t even get it then. I bet you get it around December or so.
>Oh- your mother will HATE that last line there… if ‘crap’ is a problem, ‘fuck’ is probably bad too!
>Karma…such a bitch.
>Struck by Karma lightening! LOLand it happens every time!
>I am willing to wait the week… I want a pink Dyson too!You are totally going to “spill coffee” on a couple of posts, right?!
>Maybe you should leave that ONE out. In case. Karma is a bitch, sure, but Mama-Karma? IN the words of Scooby Doo: Rut Roh.P.S. Your word verification right now is “Ratkill”Interesting, no?
>I bought two pillows on Target.com. I had one within two weeks. The other never came. Until I got an email that the order was cancelled. That evidently happens automatically after 6 weeks. So I ordered again, this time On Sale! I just got the shipping notice! Relief!
>Aren’t you going to prepare her? Are you omitting the comments from that nasty woman what-was-her-name?Maybe she will surprise you and love it.
>That sucks…or maybe it doesn’t because there is no Dyson yet.Here’s to hoping for sucking real soon!
>Personally, I think Karma is being a bit harsh here. Withholding a Dyson is WAY more punishment than necessary for a lie to your mother that was only told to spare your mother the shock of learning about your forwards column about her. But take heart. Many times, those shipping estimates are extremely conservative. I’ve had Amazon tell me stuff won’t be shipped for three weeks and it’s on my doorstep in a week. Maybe such will be the case with the Dyson. *shaking my fist at Karma for you*
>I love that vacuum…to bad I don’t have the 400 for it. I have a new goal in life,to have a pink vacuum..woohoo. =)
>Maybe your mom will surprise you. Maybe sheβll love your writing- crap and all. My very conservative mother read my book, Frankly Pregnant, and was more proud of my writing and accomplishment than anything. She said she loved the book- nipple cheese, cauliflower butt, cheeseburger crotch and all.
>Hopefully you’ll get it sooner….I know a lot of the stuff I order will give me a projected delivery date and it shows up at least 1-2 weeks prior to that….I want a Dyson too….ya think since it’s free shipping you could just order me one? π
>It’s my impression that your mom though she doesn’t “get you”, she sure does love you-and will be proud-on her terms! I love her.I can’t wait to hear her reactions, so I hope you’ll being sharing.
>My Mom doesn’t know I have a blog. And that’s the way it’s going to stay, thanks.I have enough issues with parents that I don’t need more of them! Ack!
>My advice: grab some old Erma Bombeck articles and superglue them to your Nashville Scene. And then wait for your mom to say, “Oh my heavens! I never knew you were writing about all of the day-to-day problems I have all the time! You’re so effing BRILLIANT!”This is exactly what will happen. I swear.
>My condolences. π
>Don’t worry when you get your Dyson just think how much fun you are going to have cleaning the house.I love my Dyson. It is so easy to use.
>hmmmmmm would love to be a fly on the wall if mom’s planning on coming over for thanksgiving……
>Well, the way I see it, you’re only lie like she lied to you. I mean Santa? Your teeth will fall out of your face if you don’t brush them? That burnt toast will put hair on your chest? You see where I’m going with this.Those little white lies are a mom’s RIGHT, babe. And you’re a mom now. π
>My Mom reads my blog (now both of them) EVERY day. And she bought my Dyson FOR me! Hee.According to Consumer Reports, Dyson is NOT the superior vacuum out there. The Hoover Windtunnel is. As the previous owner of TWO Hoover Windtunnels, and the current owner of the most basic Dyson model, I say, for the first time ever, BALONEY to Consumer Reports.And my sister got the same model Dyson, and conducted this “highly scientific” test. Before she ever used the Dyson, she vacuumed her whole house, thoroughly, with the Hoover Windtunnel. The carpets looked very clean, but the stuff the Dyson picked up immediately AFTER that was amazing. And disgusting.
>well i’m trying to teach my kids never to lie to me, and let me tell you, it feels terrible when you find out that they do and for no reason.
>Wow! The instant karma really got you. But it’ll probably be nothing compared to your mom’s reaction when she’s had a thorough read through of your columns! Keep us posted.
>Well, I know what I want now. A Dyson. And it comes in pink, what the hell is that all about? I am sure some feminisit somewhere is having a huge fit about a PINK vacuum! π I think it’s cool and I want one now.
>I think you’re better off. If that’s your Karma, so be it. It means that the alternative would have been way WAY worse.