>Not My Mommy Wars
>I am so sick of reading about the Mommy Wars, sick to the point where I stop reading the moment I see the phrase. Is anyone with me?
The problem I have with the Mommy Wars is that they are not about most of us. The Mommy Wars are about socially connected, wealthy, media-grubbing women pitting themselves against each other in an effort to grab the dangling carrots of book deals and television appearances.
But somehow, the rest of us have gotten dragged into it.
The working mothers of the media’s Mommy Wars have glamorous, high-paying jobs that they would be crazy to give up, even after having a baby. I’m not saying that their decision to continue working wasn’t a difficult one. I’m saying it’s one the vast majority of us will never have an opportunity to consider.
My working mom friends are servers in restaurants and paralegals and nurses. They don’t work because they can’t bear to leave their showy professions. They work because they can’t find another way to make the mortgage payment.
And frankly, their Mommy Wars media champion, Linda Hirshman, isn’t the slightest bit interested in their plight.
I found that among the educated elite, who are the logical heirs of the agenda of empowering women, feminism has largely failed in its goals, Hirshman writes in American Prospect. …Among the affluent-educated-married population, women are letting their careers slide to tend the home fires.
In other words, if you don’t boast a degree from an elite private college and your career isn’t likely to land you on the front page of the Business section, these Mommy Wars have nothing to do with you.
Meanwhile, the stay-at-home mothers of the Mommy Wars have nannies and housekeepers and Gymboree classes and mother’s helpers. But the stay-at-home moms I know (including myself) clip coupons, clean their own houses, and come up with creative (and usually, exhausting) ways to make extra money like selling Arbonne make-up, starting an eBay business, and, in my case, selling blog ads and writing newspaper columns. They can’t relate to women like Washington Post writer Tracy Thompson, who describes herself as being ‘at Ground Zero of the Mommy Wars.’
Six weeks after Emma was born, she writes, I encountered one of my old news sources at a social gathering downtown. “Hey,” he said. “Haven’t seen your byline lately. What are you working on?” Nothing, I said; I was taking a year’s leave to stay home and be a mother.
“Oh.” A pause. A very long pause.
Well, duh. You’re a Washington Post writer, for heaven’s sake. Am I supposed to feel sorry for all of the jaws dropping around you?
The fact is, most of the stay-at-home moms in my world didn’t like their jobs all that much anyway, and would rather live on meager one-income budgets than remain in dull, dead-end careers, pay out the nose for daycare, and be away from their children. The stay-at-home mothers of the Mommy Wars are not our reality- and yet there they are on the Today show (and in the Washington Post), trying to tell the world how ‘we’ feel.
Outside of Dr. Phil and in the real world, I see very little animosity between the working mothers and stay-at-home mothers of middle class America. We each do what we have to do to make our family’s lives better. I can’t count the number of times I’ve watched stay-at-home moms gladly help their working friends with carpools and chaperone duties and crib notes from parent meetings. And when I was mulling over the possibility of taking on a freelance job recently, a fellow stay-at-home mom immediately offered to watch my toddler on the days that I would have to work. She didn’t scorn me for considering an out-of-home job; she saw it as an opportunity for both of us to make a little extra money without worrying about our children.
So why are we paying so much attention to these comparatively small groups of wealthy women duking it out between themselves? Why are we adding to the attention they’re already receiving?
I would say we should start our own debate, but that’s unlikely to happen. The fact is, we’re too damn busy doing to stop and talk about it.
>Another side is why I don’t work. I’d like to get out of the house more often, but the cost of child care makes it pointless for me to work.I’d put in a forty hour week to end up with maybe $50 to show for it.Then there’s the whole I hate working thing 🙂
>Amen. I read a magazine article at the doctor’s office recently that spotlighted a stay at home mom, and mentioned how amazing it was that she got everything done. When I got to the part where she said she puts the leftovers from dinner in single-serving containers so the nanny could serve them for lunch, I was done.
>Plus, I know if it came down to my husband or myself leaving wotk to take care of sick kids, I would be the one to come home 95% of the time, and while most of my clients would understand (I’m a hairstylist/makeup artist/manicurist/facialist by profession), it’s not worth compromising my credibility. Plus, daycare costs are a bitch out here. It’s easier for me to see clients on weekends or have them come to me and hire the 13 year old across the street for a couple of hours and a free haircut.
>You are right on. We see so much “mommy wars” stuff out there, but it’s like only 2% of the mommies are represented.
>I have to agree with you. I’m due with my first child in a week and a half and there is no question I will go back to work. In fact, no one even asked me that! Everyone just asks when I’m coming back. Believe me, I would love to stay at home, we just can’t afford it. My job is stable, with decent pay. We would not be able to live off just my husband’s income. I have no time to worry about or interest in these “Mommy Wars” and I definitely don’t “look down on” mothers that get to stay home – I’m jealous!
>You said, “The fact is, we’re too damn busy doing to stop and talk about it.” I say, more power to those of us who “do” and less credibility to those who merely talk about “doing.”
>Amen!!!!
>Damn right, sister! There are no Mommy Wars going on up here in my neck of the woods. We are all doing what we need to do to get by. Do I know that I’m lucky to be able to stay home for one more year until my youngest is in kindergarten…Yes! My ex may be scum in many ways, but his dedication to having me at home to raise these kids is unimpeachable.And so many women won’t have that choice. The best part for me is that as I prepare to re-enter the workplace in a year, I now know what brings me joy and I am working hard to make it pay. Something I would never have had the depth to know about myself 14 years ago when I entered the ranks of the SAHM’s. Well written. Thank you.
>I just recently had to explain to my stepson about what child support is used for. He was upset that his ex, who works during school hours at the school his kids go to — one of whom is disabled — is not working this summer and is getting an additional sum from her father during the summer. My stepson kind of felt like she was getting a free vacation on him. I told him that the cost of daycare for their kids would probably end up being more than what she made, as the son is a special-needs child requiring special care, and that he should be grateful that she’s not tapping him for the extra money! Being infertile and childless myself, had I not worked for a foster care agency that paid allowances for daycare in foster families where the mom had to work, I would have had no idea at all of what it takes to work and have children, too. Bless all of you Moms out there, especially those who ever have to wrestle with the work question, either way.
>People in my family are sometimes making faces when my house isn’t immaculate. My husband and I work 40 hours a week. My husband sometimes more. We have 2 small children. Please tell me how I am suppose to keep my house clean.Sorry my kitchen floor will have to wait. I want to spend time with my girls. I am tired of the judging and the high expectations of people.I have a mother’s helper I pay her by letting her shop in my MaryKay closet. She loves it. Does any of that make sense?
>One of the reasons I stopped after two kids was that if I had any more, I would be working to pay daycare and no other reason. I don’t like working. It sucks. I don’t like most of the people I work with. I would prefer to stay home. That’s a fact that has changed just in the last couple of years. But, it’s not an option.
>if i stopped reading at the phrase MOMMY WARS, iw ouldn’t have read this post. HA! 🙂
>What about those of us who love our kids, don’t have a true ‘Career,’ but still love working outside the home for 20 or 30 hours a week? And yes, I make enough to be able to afford a great daycare, but I also need to be away from my toddlers for a while each day in order to be the best mommy to them.
>Anonymous, I would still ask if you feel you have anything in common with the Ivy League blowhards who are trying to fight our “battles” for us.I’m guessing the answer would be no. My contention is that most mothers out there don’t have a problem with other mothers’ choices, as long as it’s working for them and their families. I say the Mommy Wars are a media construct that a few attention whores are trying to cash in on.
>no, but I do know a surprising number of working mommies who are bitter and sometimes nasty about their stay-at-home friends because they want to be there, and some stay-at-home mommies who tell me how they judge their working mommy friends because they aren’t with their kids during the day. So while I’m totally with you that I hate the way the media and many authors go for the elite side of things, I do think that unfortunately, many women haven’t made peace with where they are at the moment and take it out on their Mommy sisters. This is the part that worries me even more than the media and upper-class authors. So thanks for writing about it.
>Well said! I can’t wait to read that to my nanny.Kidding, I’m just kidding!!
>I’m lost. what mommy wars?hey I am a new mom! cut me some slack for my ignorance!
>I’ve heard occasional snarkiness among women about working and staying at home, but way less on that topic than the snarkiness I hear about who’s divorcing and who’s staying together, who’s wearing what and who cut her hair and looks awful, who’s gained weight and who’s lost it… I mean, I think women are going to make digs at other women, no matter what the situation. What I don’t see is a damn Movement either way among middle class working moms or stay-at-home moms. Calling it a War is totally extreme.
>I am the last person to defend Linda Hirschman, trust me. But I think it’s the media that’s turned her pov into “one side of the mommy wars.” I think her analysis is specifically about the proliferation of well-educated, career-tracked women leaving those opportunities to stay at home and why this is happening (and of course, why she thinks it should stop). So you’re right, it doesn’t speak for most women. But then, who’d tune into the Today Show to hear “and now…a woman whose opinions have nothing to do with you!” I might argue however that you’re not a sahm at all. You’re a wahm. Don’t be humble about the time and effort that goes into cranking out thoughtful, outstanding writing every day.
>Liz, if she started that out that way, she’s changed her tune now. Look at this article..http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/06/16/AR2006061601766.htmlI'd say she’s basking in the glow of her newfound fame and presenting herself as the working woman’s champion.As for WAHM, you’re right. But then, nearly every SAHM I know is in reality a WAHM. We’ve all got our little “businesses” on the side to try and bring in extra cash.
>Thank you. That’s all I have to say. I’m in total agreement. I hope you publish this one all over the internet too…
>I forgot to say, in my earlier two ‘anonymous’ posts, that you rock. Thanks for writing every day.
>You are dead on with this. No one I know talks smack about what other mothers are doing. It just isn’t done. We are all doing what we need to do at that minute, day, month or year. Nowhere is it written that the current working status of a mother is permanent. Since I have had my first daughter, my status has changed three times. First I worked full time, then I worked part time, and now I am a WAHM. After I move this summer, I plan to go back to my old consulting job on a part time basis. Two years from now, who knows? Who cares?
>One of my co-workers just quit because she is pregnant with #3. The cost of daycare would exceed her weekly paycheck!While we were sad to see her go, NO ONE gave her a hard time. We DID, however, start a betting pool on when the baby would be born. [The money will go for gifts!]
>The kind of mommy wars I have faced are set off by those mothers whom choose to work full-time and can’t understand why I have chosen not to. Recently my husband and I took a walk with our children and he noticed that one of the neighbors up the street didn’t make an effort to come to say hi to us even though her boys were playing w/our girls. The thing he didn’t know was that she actually did say hi to me last week but also asked me how can I stand to be with them all day. She can’t wait for her kids to go to sleep at night. I really felt bad for her but I also felt like I needed to justify my choice. I then thought she thinks we have nothing in common since I don’t get paid by an employer but I know that my job is much harder than hers.
>Amen to all of what everyone said here.Amen to not judging each other. Amen to helping each other.And amen to my neighbors for setting up Mom’s Night Out with ALL the neighborhood moms whether they WAH or SAH or WOH or go to school full-time.
>We’re too damn busy doing to talk…or too damn busy blogging. Either way. I totally agree. I was asked by an exec at Sony pics to blog about the Mommy Wars and I agreed to. I have written and re-written that post a million times. Finally, I realized why it wasn’t settling well with me: I KNOW MOMS ON BOTH SIDES. How dare we generalize and prepetuate this sensationalized, media-created “war”?Well said, as always. You columnist you.
>2girlsformommy, I would give that mom another chance. I’m sure people have thought I was rude before when really, I was just preoccupied or totally clueless. I know that a lot of SAHMs wonder how working moms can leave their kids in daycare all day. I know a lot of working moms wonder how SAHMs can stay home without losing their minds. There’s nothing wrong with that- It’s normal. But I don’t think that our thoughts generally translate into nastiness in our dealings with each other. If anything, moms above others seem more willing to give other women a chance. I think my heart definitely has been softened since having a child.
>This is why I love you, Lindsay…
>Thank you! I have been wanting to take this topic on but haven’t been able to find the right words. You put this so succinctly, so perfectly, so exactly-what-we’ve-been-wanting-to-say-but-you-are-so-much-more-eloquent, that there is not much left to be said.Other than: Thanks Lucinda!(Didn’t I say you’d always be Lucinda to me?)
>So very well said Lindsay. I’d like to add that this situation did not just crop up as all the media coverage might have you bellieve. We had the same issues when my girls were young and I chose to return to work so we could have vacations and college educations. Now I watch one of my daughters doing the working mom balancing act.Because she has to. Oh- and the Washington Post reporter- what a dumb thing to say. She took a “year off to be a mom”-like it’s a temporary position she will be vacating when she goes back to her other job!
>Amen, sister. I work from home and let me tell you, it is HARD. It is HARD to work with kids screaming your name every five minutes. It is HARD when I have to get up in the middle of my work to tend to someone climbing on a counter. Because I work from home, I don’t put my kids in daycare. But there are people who think I should, to make my life “easier.” Then what would be the point of me being able to work from home? It sucks my income down the toilet, and I feel extremely guilty. No thank you. So here’s another struggling stay at home mom who also works at home… good post, Lindsay. Right on, dude.
>My own mother has been after me for some time to put the Toddler into day care “a couple of days a week” to give me some time to myself. I have this wonderful opportunity to be a SAHM with her that I just didn’t have with my older two when I was divorced, broke on welfare while working and going to school full time! I’m going to enjoy it while I can.When I (and all of us) are old, grey and hopefully not senile all that will matter is whether we raised a good family; whether we worked or not will not even register.
>Here’s my take:I’m not an ivy league snob who had all the benefits of the hoity toity big bucks job. I chose to stay home. I teach 2 hours a week at a private school to make a little extra cash. Most of the parents I know work hard and do what they need to do to support their families. My children are now 11 and 13. I find they need me more as they get older. Who would have thunk it? I find at PTO functions that I am there with the same 5 SAHMs every time. But, the working moms send in all the stuff we need for the kids – the soda, the chips, the goodies. They are very supportive of all we do. Those of us who are home, choose to live the life of coupons and are constantly at school volunteering. The Mommy Wars haven’t made it to the boonies as far as I can tell, but I’m too busy to find out!! LBC
>I agree completely! My Mother worked my entire childhood. That’s fine. I turned out fine. I have decided not to work. My job isn’t that fabulous. My husband and I have worked hard to save a bunch of money and pay off our debt so I can come home. That’s fine too. I’m sure my kid will turn out fine.I hate when people try to incite mass controversy just to make a buck. Exploitation anyone?
>I have a hard time with SAHMs that use nannies. Does that make me a snob? A good friend of ours was just visiting last week and he told me that his wife hired a nanny for their 1 year old. He said she needs the nanny one or two days a week so she can get things done. She has just the one kid. I tried to hide my disapproval but I doubt I was convincing. If you stay home to raise your kids then do it dammit!
>Good post, Lindsay.I quit working right after my 4th was born because we couldn’t find a daycare that didn’t take away my whole paycheck, and even part of my husband’s. What was the point? I roll my eyes at the statements that SAHMs are killing feminism. Give me a break. And, BTW, I had nothing to do with era, and I am sure I wouldn’t have been out in the street burning my bra either (ok, maybe if I was PMS’ing…). I remember my mom saying they were killing society. People ask me if I work along with taking care of all six. I know what they’re thinking…”how can you afford it?” Well, we can’t! Over the past 3 1/2 years, though, I’ve learned how to be extremely frugal. It sucks when something goes wrong with one of our vehicles or the house, but we can’t have it any other way right now. And, truth be told, I love being here for them. The thing I do have a problem with is women who take a crappy work shift – like 3-12, just to make more money, without a care in the world that they see their children and husband – and actually admit that proudly. Yes – just Monday, an old co-worker of mine said that. I just smiled but was thinking, “WTF?” Am I wrong for judging her that way? Probably!I also have a problem with people like my husband’s niece, who has a 6 yr old but dumps her on the father’s parents or her own parents for days/nights at a time so she can work, play softball, socialize, shop, etc. The 6 year old girl is spoiled, undisciplined, swears worse than a sailor, etc…we don’t like our children having to interact with her at all. 🙁 And that’s sad! It’s not her fault, but this is how she is turning out. That’s the kind of mom that people should be pointing fingers at and starting movements against, IMO.
>Yes, Yes and YES. This is the first “Mommy Wars” post that speaks the objective truth. Sure those media hungry women have been known to piss me off with their words but you are so right … their words have nothing to do with me and it is a shame so many “real” mothers have taken sides in this unnecessary debate. Thank you for writing this and providing this refreshing take on the issue. Now lets stop giving these women any more of our time or our thoughts … that’s the only way to win this “war”.
>I consider myself lucky. Blessed really. My husband and I didn’t plan to have kids so quickly after narrying but we did. There was never any question to as whether I would or could stay home: it just was that way. We scrimped, did without, rearranged and we do it. Every day. We do it. We have a smaller house, smaller vacations, not as much stuff. But I stay home. My line of thinking is far more traditional than most women today (I think). I just don’t see the point in having babies that someone else will raise. I have “friends” who have babies as accessories. They don’t spend time with them, they just dress them cute and take them to play groups so other well-dressed moms can ogle them. Me? I play on the floor, have 9,000 different voices for story books, and bake cookies with my kids. I am a 1950’s housewife in this century. My house is not always clean. Hardly ever, in fact. Luckily a clean house does not matter as much as a well-rounded safe child. I know women who look down at me because I, an educated woman, would CHOOSE to walk away from a job/career, to STAY HOME. I chose this. No matter what my husband or I have to give up, it’s worth it that I am home with the kids. I get breaks during the week, but for 98% of the time, I am the one wiping the noses, wiping the butts, settling the wars. I am the MOM.I wish I had a maid. But not a nanny. This is why God gave me children. To nurture them. To be here to protect them. To witness the miracle that they are. I created them, why on Earth would I allow someone else this joy? It’s mine. I planned it like this. I sacrifice and give up material items so my kids will have ME.Do I judge other moms? I’ll admit that sometimes, I do. It rankles me when I hear other moms, complaining that they have no time, that they have run Johnny or Suzie to yet another function. They say “I work because I HAVE TO.” Well, if you scale down your lifestyle, drive a smaller and more afforable car, don’t get your roots and nails done weekly, you, too, could afford to stay home.
>It’s true. In the 2+ years since I’ve switched to part-time work, I’ve only gotten one snotty comment (“must be nice”) from someone I don’t respect anyway.I find Moms to be a very supportive group — employed or not.One of my friends who works full-time gives me all her sons’ hand-me-down clothes. I, in turn, watch for clothes for her at the garage sales I frequent. Since I’m working PT, I often hit prime sales on Friday mornings. The point is, we help each other.No, I can’t relate to those high & mighty women either. Don’t they have anything better to talk about? I guess not. That’s their problem, huh?Well said, Lindsay!
>Here’s the thing. We all make judgements in our minds to justify our own decisions, whether it’s about staying at home vs. working or wearing a one-piece vs. a bikini after having children or… any number of things that we do or don’t do, compared to other women.But are we screaming at other women about it? Snubbing them? Being rude to them? Maybe occasionally, to our shame. Generally not.I don’t think that it’s necessarily wrong to list in your mind all the reasons you’re doing what you’re doing with your children- as long as you’re not openly mean to women who didn’t make your choice (and I think this about any choice you make, frankly). I think most of you agree with me, right? So why are the media treating this issue like we’re pitted against each other and screaming about it across our picket fences?
>Very well said!This would have been a good article for the Scene, but after the library war, I can’t imagine what this would have started!Beautiful insight, as always!
>’ I know that my job is much harder than hers. ‘This is the problem – why does one mommy have to justify her choice by saying that about another mommy? In this case it’s the SAHM bashing the WOH mommy, but I’ve heard it both ways. How about we all really think before we speak? I’m trying really hard….
>Hear hear! I work because I have to, not because I love my job so much I can’t bear to leave it. I would give up working in a heartbeat to stay at home with Gabe and do the motherhood/homemaker gig full-time. But I can’t. And p.s. I have a degree from a private college. It may not be elite, but the price tag was elite, and I have to work to pay off my loans, too. Hey, Lindsay. You’re in as good a position as any of us to write a book about the real mothers in the home and work force who don’t have dream jobs or nannies. You should consider it. Maybe then those talking heads would stop telling us all what we’re supposed to think.
>Amen! Amen, amen, amen! And also…AMEN!I am not yet a mom (soon-to-be stepmom though), but when I am, I know I will have to work. My fiance supports his two sons, and if I want us to have kids, then I will always have to work. Because I do want kids of my own, working is, for me, an okay payoff.I am in nursing school right now, studying to get the kind of job that offers good pay and some flexibility so that hopefully day care won’t be a huge issue for us. However, there won’t be a nanny in our world, and you certainly won’t ever find me on the cover of Money magazine.Thanks for being a voice for the rest of us…those of us not at war who support whatever a real woman has to do to be the best mom she can be.
>Amen. Well said.
>Amen! I think most moms are just doing the best they can for their families, whatever their situation. The so-called Mommy Wars are perpetuated by a marketing/media plan at work to sell books, generate ad revenue, etc. And the Mommy Wars probably sounds “sexier” than Moms Judging Other Moms.
>In our patriarchal society, girls are already born at somewhat of a disadvantage. And somewhere along the way, we learn to regard other women as our rivals instead of our sisters. Yes, we all have that one best girlfriend, but you know exactly what I’m referring to. Women mentally rip the shit out of each other. Why do we tear each other down instead of cheering each other on? I mean, aren’t there enough stupid men bullying us around that we could rip into? Half kidding, sort of. 😉 If women would only realize how strong and united we could be if we’d rally around each other instead of scratching each other’s eyes out. Damn. We could rule the world. Great post!
>I have to comment on an earlier posting by anonymous where the comment was made “My line of thinking is far more traditional than most women today (I think). I just don’t see the point in having babies that someone else will raise.” This is a pretty general statement, don’t you think? I am a working Mom (which seems to me to be a redundant statement), but I don’t believe for a second that someone else is raising my son. No, I am not with my 16 month old during the weekday, our daycare provider is. However, my husband and I are teaching him right from wrong, how to be a good person, the importance of faith as well as how to dance like a monkey. Our daycare provider provides a service for us, albeit the most important service we could hire someone to do, but she is NOT raising my son. While I don’t believe the mommy wars are raging as the media depicts, it is comments like this that show they are going on some level and there are judgments being made.
>Yeah, the last anonymous comment was harsh and overly critical of women who don’t stay home. But I count one woman among 40-something commenters so far who made an inflammatory statement. Plus, she didn’t leave her name, so who knows whether it’s someone just trying to incite everybody?Again, I think the vast majority of moms aren’t interested in cat fights with each other over this issue.
>Lindsay, I once wrote that on my blog (in the only post where I’ve EVER addressed this imaginary issue) that the phrase “mommy wars” makes me throw up in my mouth a little. I hate it. Thanks for saying more thoroughly than I did. You’re right – it’s a complete media construct, and one that is getting really, really old by now. The point is (to those that are starting to argue details about personal choices) we don’t *typically* enter into “wars” with one another over our choices, the way these books and interviews of late imply. Period. The end. That’s all. Nothing to debate.
>I am probably (alright, I totally am) more sensitive to comments that insinuate kids with SAHMs are better off because I think as with everything, it depends on the situation. That comment just frankly pissed me off. I agree with all of you that the vast majority of us are just trying to do the best we can and get through the day. The “wars” are not happening in my circle of friends, but if they were I would want new friends.
>I do stop reading when I see the words “Mommy Wars” but I’m glad I didn’t stop and I read your post. It’s the best said one yet I’ve seen. Hurrah!
>From one SAHM to another… Thank You!
>Yes! The elitism in these arguements is just nauseating.I tried to leave two clever comments earlier and I got booted off here… I wish I could re-create now, but I’m not that clever generally speaking. 😉
>That rocked! Thank you for saying what needs to be said. I have stopped reading anything related to mommy wars because my mommy friends and I do not fit into that world. And I think it is ridiculous that the media is trying to manipulate a war between women – it needs to stop. Thanks again for the great words!
>You know, you make an interesting argument here about why we should ignore the mommy wars. I have always believed as you do that the whole thing is exaggerated to milk media exposure and book deals. I am fortunate, though, to straddle between the “elite” moms and the moms you are talking about, who have to choose to either work crummy jobs to make ends meet or do without something they won’t miss and live on less. Meaning, I need to work, but I am lucky enough to love my job and missed it by the end of my year at home.Thanks for giving me a new point of view on this, and I think those moms you are describing do need to be given a voice in the discussions more often because you’re right, they are being totally ignored and are too busy getting by to wade in. I’m going to send a link to this to Her Bad Mother, who is compiling a list of links on the subject.
>Stay AWAY from the blog about the mommy wars at the Post. Once you start reading, it’s like a train wreck, you want to stop, but can’t….The author of the book Mommy Wars, talks about how she’s a working mom, but she works from 9-3 at home when the kids are in school, and has all the nanny/cleaners et al you mentioned.If you have a nanny, a yard service (aside from like, Chem Lawn), a cleaning lady, and your own home office you work out of while you pay someone else to look after your kid, I don’t want to hear from you.I think the only people who should discuss stay-at-home momhood and working momhood are the moms who literaly STAY AT HOME and do everything themselves, or GO TO WORK and pay out the nose for daycare just so they can have a bit extra after the mortgage.GRRR.
>Wow. You’re my hero.
>I totally agree..this issue has been blown way out of proportion. The moms I know are too tired to care what everyone else is doing. Personally, my family could probably get by on my husband’s income but I have a job I love (I’m a librarian)and a decent amount of time off. My situation works for me just like it works for some of my friends to stay at home. It pisses me off when the MEDIA (or anyone else) tells me what to do/how to feel. WTF?
>Mommy Wars don’t exist– mommy jealousy– well that is another story. I’ve seen moms come close to blows on the playground over park snacks (but this rarely happens mind you– rarely)I think for the most part most moms who know each other do try to support each other. Though there are some evil holier better motherers than thou out there and sometimes I just want to take one of their stilleto heels and shove up their minivan exhaust pipe– but this rarely, I mean rarely happens–
>I agree with what you have to say. The Mommy Wars are so far removed from most normal everyday women I come in contact with. My husband and I agree, if we can afford to I’ll quit my job when we’re ready to have children. I can’t imagine having children and relinquishing their upbringing to a babysitter. My babysitter taught me to tie my shoes. I can remember the day. I totally understand that not every woman has it in her to be a mother even though she may want children. My own mother is a fabulous example. She’s been a HORRIBLE, neglectful, abusive mother. I’ve learned a lot of what NOT to do from her and I suppose I should thank her for it. Children need a whole lot more than simply a roof over their head and a full stomach. What about attention – physical and emotional. If you don’t have the energy or desire to interact with your children in a respectful loving way don’t even bother to have them ladies.
>The whole debate is a waste of time. There are members of both sides who will never be able to see the other’s point of view.
>bravo! i have exactly the same feeling about the so-called war and the hype. bollocks!
>Ok, I’ve just had enough time to read the entire article, and this comment made me sick!………..”How to avoid this kind of rut? You can either find a spouse with less social power than you or find one with an ideological commitment to gender equality. Taking the easier path first, marry down. Don’t think of this as brutally strategic. If you are devoted to your career goals and would like a man who will support that, you’re just doing what men throughout the ages have done: placing a safe bet”……Does it get any shallower?
>How did you know that I didn’t like my job that much anyway? You are so right. Staying home was like getting a friggin’ promotion in my eyes and now I’M the boss. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Linda Hirschman!
>Mommy wars are silly! I think there’s going to be a big mud wrestling event for mommies at Blogher 🙂
>Amen, sister.
>THANK YOU.’Not our war’ should be the byline. Why does it escape so many of us that it is not about us? That the Flanagans and Hirshmans are not us?Thank you.
>oh, you have said everything that I have been thinking about the whole damn thing!Thanks!
>But I can’t shut up yet. Sorry! I also believe as you have said that the Mommy Wars is bullshit. The media frenzy about it just distracts from trying to get more family friendly policies in place so everyone can enjoy their lives more. Including those who do not have children, as we all know those who are taking care of aging parents and need flex time too. We all have our individual needs and know what our family needs from us. What we dont’ need is the judgements being hurled at us by people who don’t pay our bills and don’t know our circumstances, but act like they do. Okay, now I sit…and drink!
>i wish these ivy league moms would come up with a way to provide quality, affordable childcare for families in america and not just the province of women who are or marry hedge fund managers, i-bankers or corporate lawyers.
batrachia…
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