>The Merkin

>Starting a new job requires all kinds of training. You might receive a 500-page employee handbook that you’ll never read. You may be assigned to shadow a bitchy fellow worker for a few days who will set you back weeks with her false information. And you will likely find yourself tete-a-tete with the stringy haired on-site computer tech as you figure out how to log in and check your e-mail, at which time he will send you a love poem written in html and you will never speak with him again.

Yet far more difficult than determining how to use your key card or apply for overtime is learning the complicated social habits and terminology of your co-workers.

I learned this at 27, after changing careers and entering an office place filled with hippish, youngish television writers, producers and associated staff. During my first few days among them, I lurked at the outskirts of their conversations, trying my best to translate. Within a few days, I pretty much had it down.

“So the t-r-t (total running time!) is an hour and all we have left is to run it through the henry (online editing!),” Celeste was dishing some admittedly dull gossip to Jen at the copy machine, while I pretended to pour coffee nearby and mentally checked off the new terms in my head. “But when vis-acq (the Visual Acquistions department!) hears about some of the s-o-t (sound on tape!), they’re gonna freak out.”

“Why?” Jen snickered. “Did someone say ‘merkin?’

An alarm went off in my head. ‘Merkin?’ What the hell was a ‘merkin?’ Never one for subtlety, I craned my head over the divider between kitchen and copy room.

“What the hell is a merkin?”

“You don’t know what a merkin is?” Celeste mock-sneered.

“No.”

“It’s okay,” Jen smiled. “It’s our little joke. A merkin is…” She lowered her voice dramatically. “A merkin is a pubic hair wig.”

“A what?!” I whispered.

“No, it’s true!” Celeste insisted. “Ron told us. And now we always joke about it.”

I giggled. Around the office, Ron was the purveyor of trivial gen-x type knowledge. A merkin, huh? I could handle that.

At the time, I didn’t ask more about merkins and why anyone would want one. But recently, I grew tired of my stay-at-home-mom routine of bon bons and soap operas and decided to look for more merkin information on the Internet.

As it turns out, in the olden days pubic hair was often shaved to eliminate the possibility of lice. Merkins became fairly fashionable for the upper crust in their quest for pubic beauty. Prostitutes also used merkins to cover up treatment for syphillis, which left them bare floor at a time when it wasn’t at all desirable to anyone.

Today, strippers sometimes use merkins in cities where going bottomless is prohibited. And new employees sometimes use merkins in a desperate quest to inject humor and/or chaos into a very dull work environment.

Case in point: a few days later, inspiration struck as I brushed my hair in my office. I pulled all the hair out of the brush, then took it to Celeste.

“I’m going to put this on Ron’s chair,” I said. Ron was off on an interview. “Do you think he’ll know what it is?”

“I think he’ll definitely know what it is!” Celeste said, grinning.

Later that afternoon, Ron returned, his face stony from hours of interviews with C-list celebrities. Dully, he pulled his chair from his desk. The rest of us waited around the corner.

“BWAAAAHHHHH!” Ron screamed. “IT’S A MERKIN!”

Laughter erupted from all corners of the office.

Our “merkin” made the workplace rounds for the next six weeks, showing up in chairs, on desks and eventually, strategically placed on a life-sized cardboard cut-out of a puppet (don’t ask).

And then I was sued and eventually fired for sexual harrassment.

Just kidding. It wasn’t that kind of workplace. Everyone was really, really ugly.

Just kidding. Not. No, I’m kidding. Not.

But anyway, since that time, I’ve used the experience as a rule of thumb when I’m considering taking on a new job. As I tour the facilities and speak with employees, I tell myself over and over… This place ain’t worth workin’ if I can’t talk merkin.

You knew there had to be a merkin photo somewhere.