Every so often, one of your wack-a-doo rooftop pictures pops up on my feed and gives me the sweats. For too long, I’ve suffered through your photos in silence — but then I realized that every single one of you fools has a mom somewhere way, way down below, a mom who probably has absolutely no idea what you’re up to. That’s why I’m here to tell you what I’m damn sure she would if she knew what you’re doing.
Young man, what is this about? I bet your mama thinks you’re at school right now– NOPE. Instead of learning about square roots and the periodic chart, your stupid butt is hanging off some tall tower. Shirtless, no less. You ought to be ashamed of yourself, boy. Get down from there right this instant, find yourself some clothes, and get back to class. And no, I will not write you an excuse. For shame.
And you. Mr. Oleg Cricket, huh? If this video isn’t the lamest thing I’ve ever seen in my life, I don’t know what is. You’re right when you say ‘anyone can do it,’ I’ll give you that, but let me clue you in before you get an hour older, Bug Boy: Most of us have brains in our heads that prevent us from flailing around on the edge of a skyscraper like a fetus on crack. Yes, you could plunge to your death at any second, but also? Your form was atrocious. Tighten up those forward rolls, O. And close your mouth before the flies get in.
“I really hope I have a child who will one day climb to the top of a 200-foot crane,” SAID NO MOM EVER. Boy, your tomfoolery is enough to make a mama deliriously happy her kid is merely out smoking Juuls and getting drunk on Saturday nights. Heaven help us.
You did this for 641 likes? Really? Child, it’s time for some #straighttalk. Those 641 likes won’t bring you soup when you’re sick. They won’t pick you up when your car breaks down. They won’t keep checking in on you when you’ve reached rock bottom. How about spending your time finding ways to get ‘liked’ by people who actually care about you? You don’t need to climb to the top of a cell phone tower to do it.
And lest you think all this dumbassery is a guy thing? Aw hell no.
Girl, what exactly are you trying to prove up there? I know your mama would agree that we need your skinny butt down here on the ground, voting and marching and breaking glass ceilings and whatnot. Climb down off that skyscraper and join us. There’s no way to be productive when you’re hanging like a monkey off the side of a building. You know this.
And don’t even tell me you’re trying to be sexy up there. Girl, what are you thinking? Your mama didn’t buy that dress so you could hang off a ledge somewhere, flashing your goodies to all and sundry down below. Put some pants on and get down from there.
Trust me when I tell you your mama didn’t carry you in her belly for nine months and raise you up to do this. No sir. You’re taking years off her life with these antics, son. Just what are you trying to prove?
You want to live dangerously? Become a policeman. Defy death? Be a fireman. See the world from a different perspective? Join the Peace Corps. You’re doing no one any good up there, least of all the poor unsuspecting soul on the sidewalk you end up hitting when you fall. Come on down from up there, before I have to come up there and drag you down myself.
Hugs and kisses,
And be home by 12,
Header image via Instagram