>What Comes Before Blog Part B?
>Tonight, I’m going to my very first blog party.
And I’m scared shitless.
For one thing, I’m not very good with talking about the column (or my blog, for that matter). In my imagination, I was going to be all confident and pithy when the subject came up. But the confidence thing doesn’t come easily when you’re a stay-at-home mom who would probably be nominated for Dork of the Year by your stepdaughters if such a thing existed.
So instead, I’m all, “Uh, oh yeah. The column. That thing. Yeah, that was, um, me, I guess it has to be since my name is on there… Yep. Hmm.”
Then there’s usually a long pause and I feel like I’m supposed to talk about what was in the column. So I’m all, “Yeah, um, swinging is like a thing now, huh? This dominatrix sent me an e-mail and said I should be more comfortable with my sexuality, and, heh…” and then I stop, redfaced, because I just used the words swinging, dominatrix and sexuality in line at the post office and suddenly, everyone’s looking at me.
I’m worried that this blog party will be an extended version of that scenario, or worse, that the other bloggers will scorn me and I’ll be stuck sitting in a corner, drinking too much wine.
And then Busy Mom will be all, “What are you doing drinking from that bottle? You drove us here! How am I supposed to get home?”
And then a group of women will walk up to us and be all, “We don’t know why she’s writing that column anyway, Busy Mom, when you’re the Mommy Blogging Queen of Nashville.” And then they’ll lift her up on their shoulders and parade her around the room while everyone else cheers. And then she’ll stand on the bar and do some kind of Coyote Ugly dance, while I put my head down on my table in the corner and sob until I start dry heaving.
And then someone will take a picture of me sobbing and dry heaving and it will be on the news, because this is a WKRN party and I’m sort of crashing it anyway, under the guise of being invited as a Scene writer, but I wasn’t invited personally and it was probably for a reason! Because who wants a sobbing, dry-heaving mommy blogger (who ate all the canapes) at their blog party?
And then I will emit a long, supernatural-sounding howl of pain and simultaneously wet my pants a little and I’ll end up jumping off the balcony out of embarrassment and landing on top of a bunch of tourists on Broadway and breaking one of their coccyxes and they will sue me for reckless endangerment and I will also get a ticket for public drunkenness and Busy Mom will never speak to me again.
Okay, so maybe this party isn’t such a good idea after all..
>”I wasn’t invited personally and it was probably for a reason!”Oh, no, lady. You are not getting off that easily. I didn’t have your email address since I added you pretty recently, but you are definitely invited.In fact, I better see you there so we can swap news station gossip.
>Will there be pictures? LOL…go break a bloggy leg tonight (but in a good way) and you and Busy Mom have a few drinks for me. I can’t make it. Waaah!
>God, I thought I was neurotic today – you take the cake my dear. Oh, and you’ll be just fucking FINE already. Have you not got your award for being FAB yet? Because you are! Have fun!
>*virtual slap like they do to hysterical people in the movies*Get a grip! I didn’t bring bar dancing clothes with me.
>You will be the hit of the party, the jelly on the PB sandwich, the rum in the rum and coke, the icing on the German chocolate cake … Have fun!
>There is nothing wrong with being slumped over crying, as long as you were laughing first. :)You’ll be brilliant and riveting. And if not, just lie to us and tell us you were. Have a wonderful time.
>oh shit lighten up.LOL:)
>You and Melissa (Suburban Bliss) are two peas in a pod…she was just writing about stuff like this.About the anxiety..did you forget that you used to be in front of a TV camera? What is more scary than that??????
>It’s really GOOD that you are dreaming up the worst possible outcome of your party! It’s good because when none of that happens (AND YOU KNOW DARN WELL THAT IT WON’T), you’ve already prepared your mind to deal with it. When the evening actually comes to pass and you are more elegant and well-spoken than you expected, you’ll be proud of yourself, Lindsey!
>i swear to the goddess if i was within striking distance, i’d beat you. LOL. you are so fucking loved and you need to accept this. go and be loved and if you do dry heave and cry- for god’s sake, make sure someone takes pictures!
>I live relatively close to one of my favorite bloggers. We talk online, but I’m terrified to meet her. Glad it’s not just me. 🙂
>Now you see, my visualization of this party involves me sitting in the corner pouting while the masses swarm around pretty, funny, popular you.
>YOU will be fab! All of your charming self will have everyone swooning at your feet! Have fun and drink some for me!
>The only thing that could make it better is if your husband had to report about you doing that. ;-)I sincerely hope that Busy Mom is a patient person by nature. Go! Have a great time! You know everyone loves you!
>You crack me up. Do something really heinous and embarassing so you can blog about it, and I can laugh some more. 🙂
>Wow, you just about had me verging on a panic attack there. Man, don’t get carried away. You took that one incident all the way to the ninth circle of Hell!! Stop it! You are a confident, intelligent and talented artist. You go knock their socks off at that party. BTW, have some drinks for me while your at it!
>You guys are too kind. But Carol, being on tv is way easier than going to a party to meet a bunch of people who may or may not have read the bare floor story. And besides, the camera doesn’t talk back.
>No, no no! Are you kidding me? You will go to the party and everyone will kiss your suburban turmoil ass for fear that if they are even the slightest bit obnoxious or ill-behaved that their likeness (being severely mocked) will appear on your blog or in your column!! You’ve got the power… don’t be afraid to use it (for good, not for evil, of course).
>All you have to do is have them play your song (the Eminem one, with the disrobing and such) and imitate your husband’s spanking move and everyone will start to imitate it. It will be like that old 80s movie Can’t Buy Me Love where the dork (played by Dr. McDreamy WAAAAAY back when) got the whole school to imitate him doing the African Anteater Ritual because his little brother turned it to African Cultural Hour instead of American Bandstand the morning of the dance. And it will be great fun. Then you can come home and blog about it so those of us not in Nashville can live vicariously through you (and Busy Mom) at that party. Broken coccyxes? Bwahahahah! I couldn’t help thinking, “but wouldn’t it be coccyxi”? I’m a dork with no clue. Off to watch African Cultural Hour.
>Don’t forget the public vomiting! And did you put “slip and fall on a banana peel” in there? Oh, and you’ll probably CUT ONE, too. These are the things I always do at parties. I know of that which I speak. About.
>You’ll be fiiiine! Remember, they’re nervous meeting YOU, knowing that they are potential blog/column fodder…. HAVE FUN!
>Relax. You’ll be fine.And when you get back, we want scoop – you hear that? – scoop. Ummm.. please.LBC
>Ok, but if you do wet yourself, you can be Fergie of the BlackEyed (Peas)Blogs and make a kajillion in (record) blog sales!And then nobody will care if you make an @ss out of yourself at the next blog party, ’cause you’ll be famous and stuff 😉
>Can’t wait to read about the fun!You’re gonna be the star of the go-go, so put on your tiara and white gloves and meet and greet your new friends.
>Argh! My god. That was totally our secret plan and you’re onto it. Who ratted us out? Shoot. I’ve been practicing lifting my Busy Mom lifesized doll over my head all week, but if you’re already hip to the plan, I guess we’ll have to come up with something else.Seriously, don’t worry. We’re all always nervous as heck about this stuff and we all end up having a fine time.
>Oh, WHATEVER! I guarantee that tomorrows post will read something along the lines of…”Oh My God, I had so much fun. And everyone was all, “I read your blog and I love it!” and you’ll be all “Oh my GOD, I read your too–I love it more!!!!”Seriously, you’ll have fun.
>Or, you could just promise to keep their names out of it. That would work.That, and a few more slugs from the bottle, just for jamie.
>Instead of putting the bottle down, maybe take a sip before you head out? You will have a wonderful time! Your blog is awesome.
>Wow! You are possibly even more paranoid about going to parties than I am! Whoda thunk it?You’ll be great, really. Tell us all about it.
>Oh, stop! You’re as fantastic in person as your are in writing, I’m sure of it. 🙂
>It doesn’t sound any different from my high school reunion last weekend.
>Wow. And I thought I was the only one with anxieties…Okay, you win.
>I want you to go and do every one of those things just to prove us all wrong when we tell you you’ll be great.Go on. I dare you.
>I just have to say…that was inspired! Great story although based on my reading of your blog thus far…I’m sure you’ll handle this gathering just fine.
>You did great.I knew who you were, but you had no idea who I was there.You were the belle of the ball.