>Why You All Up in My Grill?
>Soccer season has begun and the gossip is flying faster than a mom who’s late to kindergarten graduation. And so far, an uncomfortable amount of it is about. (Gah.) Me.
Honestly, the summer was so long and lazy that I’d almost forgotten about the What-is-She-21? Club. Until I read an e-mail to my husband written by a soccer mom from my 15-year-old’s high school team. After dealing with some boring tournament shit, she closed with, And I hear you’re having another baby? That’s going to be one full house. Yikes! -Anne
Yikes? YIKES?
How about ending with a Congratulations? Could you possibly manage even a small, quiet Congratulations? Because Yikes just isn’t working for me.
Anyway, before I had even set foot on the field for the first time, the Soccer Mom Network* had mysteriously managed to transmit to every team mother that I was expecting. Women I swear I’ve never seen before have since been steadily approaching me at practices to look skeptically at my belly and murmur that they’ve heard the news from they-can’t-remember-who.
Still. It’s all good. I can handle it. After all, I’m not some newbie Freshman Parent anymore. I’m a Sophomore Soccer Mom now and I know a thing or two.
I don’t yet know Thing Three, though, which is how to handle Soccer Mom Sophie.
“Which one is yours?” She asked me last week as we watched the girls finish up a scrimmage.
“Number 7,” I replied.
“Oh!” She said. “You’re the stepmom!”
“Um. Yeah.”
“And you’re pregnant again, I hear.”
“Yes I am.”
“So this one is yours, too?” She asked, pointing down at Baby, who was busily eating dirt at my feet.
“Yep,” I said proudly.
“And she’s from the same daddy as the one you’re pregnant with?”
I’d like to say I grabbed Gurl’s hair and rubbed her face in the freshly-spat-out-by-Baby dirt. That there was a throwdown at the scrimmage field and she came out looking far worse than I did. But no. I simply said, “Yes,” and began giggling uncontrollably at the weirdness of getting my first baby daddy question on my stepdaughter’s high school soccer field of all places, and at the seasoned babymaking age of 31.
So let’s just say this season is looking promising, as far as storytelling goes. I’m even coming up with some better comebacks to the Heard you’re pregnant line.
-Yes, but I’m not allowed to talk about it until after the October 8th Jerry Springer airs.
-I am? (Looking down in horror at my stomach) Why the fuck am I always the last to know?!
-Dammit, I know the empire waist is not my best look but woman, you have gone too far!
I’ll let you know how they go over.
*Although I can’t explain how, the Soccer Mom Network totally works, even for me. I know, for example, that the first game is on Tuesday and that I am to bring trail mix for 22 girls. No one gave me this information. I didn’t read it anywhere. I just sort of. Knew. The knowledge bubbled over from deep inside my soul. Good Lord, if we moms could harness this kind of power, we could seriously, seriously take over the world.
>God, I HATE the Soccer Mom network. It’s the same for the Soccer Dad network, which is roughly like the Volunteer Fireman network, and all those other suburban, clique-type groups.I loath each encounter I have, and every sports season makes me cringe.
>Yikes!I’m with you with the WHATTHEFUCK! How rude are they? I mean has anyone over there heard of a little thing called “tact”? I can feel their jealousy all the way in California.Glad you take it for what it’s worth (absolutely nothing) and can have a laugh. You are SO FAR above them, they can’t even see you!
>OMG, I want to hug you (in a totally platonic and sympathetic way, of course). ;^) What teh heck is the matter with that woman at the game? The “yikes” email I can sort of excuse, because that’s so *obviously* about *her* and her own attitude toward having a house full of kids (which I would love, truly), but Ms. “And she’s from the same daddy as the one you’re pregnant with?” is waaaaaaay outta line. Maybe you could practice your withering glare (or blank stare if you’re not feeling terribly confrontational). One comeback I love: “Did you just say that out loud??” Try it. You’ll like it. ;^) I don’t know why these women are so catty/rude, but I’m looking forward to you putting them in their place(s). Either that or I’ll hold ’em while you hit ’em. Just lemme know. ;^)
>My oldest is starting soccer next month, and I am now officially Very Very SCARED.
>Why can’t people just say “Congratulations?” Ugh. On a totally unrelated note, “Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!” I love to hate that show.
>A wise person once told me, “Never mistake for malice that which could be attributed to ignorance or stupidity.” He also gave me another line, “I’m going to forgive you for asking that question if you forgive me for not answering.” I hold these gems in my pocket, at the ready for incidents like those you describe.
>That was incredibly rude!! I cannot believe people have the audacity to ask shit like that. You are a better woman than I b/c I’m afraid my deep south redheaded temper would have flared just a little bit on that one. I have a 16 year old stepson, a 3 year old and 1 year old of my own. I do get some looks sometimes when we are all together, but no one has actually said anything yet.
>You need to tell Rude Soccer Mom:”No, I’m collecting BabyDaddies. Is your husband available next?”or “Are yours?”
>LOVING yellojkt’s answers. Hee!My aunt used to answer all juvenile questions (no matter what the age!)like that by fumbling in her purse.”Did you want some bubble gum?”Then she’d fish out Hubba Bubba or those big honking Bazooka pieces.She’d always pat their hand and tell them not to chew with their mouths open, too.
>Good LORD people are uncouth!!!!!!! You just keep being your classy self, Lindsay (yes, I said and meant CLASSY) and let these rednecks and biotches create more blogging material. Don’t sweat their tackiness — they’re not of the same ilk as the rest of us. lol
>stay there!! let them enjoy their bone!can their life be more boring, if somebody’s pregnancy is all they have to gossip about?..gosh.. i’d explode, if i were you.
>LMFAO. This is my first time visiting your site, lovin it! You had me rollin’. Soccer Mom Hell sounds like highschool. I love that “these women” have no idea that they are being talked about all over internet land like they have been talking about you. Karma’s a bitch! Since I have two stepsons, I get the babymommy questions all the time. When did people get so damn nosey. I would never ask another woman if that kid they are watching is really theirs or inherited. So wrong.
>Okay, oh my god. You’re fucking kidding me with that question. I’ve dealt with some crap as a young stepmom (mostly from my in-laws, unfortunately!!!), but never anything that blatantly, obnoxiously rude. UNBELIEVABLE.
>Let’s see…you’re married to the wonderful man whose child you’re carrying and THAT’s gossip fodder?? Holy crap do some folks need hobbies!
>Holy Shit. I would have beat the PISS out of that woman. What, was she raised in a barn? No, obviously that was you…mating with every stud that flicked his tail at you. Geeez. Any time you’re ready for the Soccer Mom Beat Down, let me know. I had a girl ask me that once. At work. “Are both your kids from the same dad?” My response, “Not that it’s any of your buisiness, but yes.”
>Soccer terrifies me.My daughter is in a small, unknown gymnastics program (me and four other moms) and the local community center weekly ballet class. Me and a bunch of other busy, harried moms.No network. I love it.I’m scared of large groups of moms that organize and communicate via body language and mental messages (you’re turn to bring the juice) ha ha haAnd as for the daddy questions, just always act shocked and be like ‘ummm yeah…’ or better yet,No no this one is Johnny Deps.
>Oooh, that’s a GREAT answer! 😀
>ROFL…Oh man. I have a comeback for the “So I heard your pregnant”. Look down and go “Oh THAT!? No I come with two asses…one in the back; standard, and one in the front.” Then look the offender up and down and say (mumble) “Perhaps we should number them THREE” and walk away.
>First off the second comeback is the funniest shit I have ever read. I have 3 girls and they all look different so I get the,”Oh are they from the same dad?” question a lot. A LOT.:0) Soccer season sounds like it’ll be great. yeah.
>I love yellojkt’s responses. And the, “Did you just say that outloud?” I always suck at comebacks. I can’t think of them quick enough. Usually, hours later, I sit up straight and utter some gem emphatically to an empty room. I’ve been getting better since I started blogging. It’s kept me thinking quicker on my feet.You’d better be careful that this Jedi mind trick of knowing the soccer mom news doesn’t give away your blog. But my word, the comments section would be funny.
>I’m sure the day will come when someone reads about him/herself on this blog.But in this case, what would these women even say? Except, ‘Oh shit.’I’ve done nothing to offend anyone on the team- I barely know them!
>Wow! And where do you live again? I can’t even bring myself to ask one of the parents of my daughter’s classmate why they moved one child to a different school and left one at the current school I figure it’s not really my business and I don’t know them that well. We’ve only known them five years now
>Wow, it just floors me that people have the gall to ask you questions like that.Well, okay. It doesn’t. But still. Sheesh.
>PLEASE use the Springer comment and report back!!
>Lindsay, I just love your attitude and the way you capture the ugliness of the soccer mom network. You will have the last laugh, and all of us will be laughing along by your side.
>I think you MUST start referring to your husband in public as MyBabyDaddy.I hope these women are reading your blog.
>Horrid, rotten, bitch-smack-deserving woman! I cannot believe how some never grow the hell up!!! I am so sorry!!! I’m luvin’ all your responses. I cannot wait to hear how the next “Throwdown”,er… um… “soccer practice” goes.
>Stupid people. The world’s full of them.
>I am not looking forward to jumping back into that world… but I am not doing it pregnant, thank goodness. Here is your response to Sophie:Well… your husband and I have been meaning to tell you ….and walk away.
>OMG! Omg! You poor thing, OMG! I’m shocked. And little girl heard this woman ask who her daddy was???? OMG! It amazes me how rude and mean some people can be.
>This is 2006! What is wrong with people. I don’t know how you handled that so well I don’t think I could of.
>Ugh what a bunch of jerks! I like to think that in your shoes I’d totally drop my complete inabiliy to time the perfect come back and say “wow did your really mean that to be as insulting and rude as it was?” and walk away.
>Wow you hang in some RUDE circles. The gall to say something like that! Of course I’m sure that if DD was into soccer here I would face similar stuff. Folks tend to think I’m “a little too crunchy” around here. Which is really odd because the biggest homeschooling group in the entire state makes it’s home in our town… but anyway.I hope you find something that makes those snobs jaws drop to the ground.
>It’s funny how some women equate ‘stepmom’ to ‘automatic homewrecker’ and ‘screwed up life’. I know I’ve felt it. It’s the jealous, insecure types. So the comment about ‘well you husband and I meant to tell you’…now that would be perfect!!!
>my mother in law told the bear to have a paternity test done once nut was born. she also spread shit around town like that. count your blessings.:)
>I laughed at the ordeal you had. Interesting event, interesting reaction from your part. Very good post.
>OMG! I mean how freaking rude… I mean why is it any of that womans buisness who your babies daddies are…. Someone needs to make soccer mom etiquette sheets. I think you should write about this in the paper and hand it to her rofl.
>I hope you excuse me, but I think the “baby daddy” remark was kind of funny. That lady is a piece of work!
>That is CRAZY! I’d never know what to say either. And then I’d stay up late lying in bed trying to think up a good come back. The Jerry Springer one was awesome. So was yellojkt’s “Are yours?”
>You deserve the gold star for graciousness toward a totally rude woman.I don’t know how you did it, but I do think you should try out some of those lines.
>OMG! I knew that was the reason why I didn’t allow my son to play soccer! I don’t think I have that thick skin to deal with “those mothers”!
>i’ve been out of the soccer loop for a few years now, don’t miss it at all. why not tell her you got knocked up by her husband? wonder what her reaction would have been to that.
>Re: Sophie, and people like her.I have always found looking them square in the eye and saying something along the lines of, “The fact that you are incapable of remaining loyal to your spouse does not indicate infidelity within my marriage,” usually shuts them up.
>You showed poise and grace in the face of incredible rudeness. I have one blonde blue eyed child and my other two are dark. I can’t tell you how many times people have asked if she is mine….I just reply “Why do you want to know?” that usually works pretty well!
>Well, I have to say, “CONGRATULATIONS!!!”I vote for the Jerry Springer retort to such dumb questions. I’d love to hear how that goes over!
>Speechless.I’m going to be chewing on this one… gotta come up with something.
>You rock with your answers!!! Can I come along so I can see their faces?
>As I told you, they are soooooo JEALOUS! And scared. So scared that your tight ass is going to catch their husband’s eye next to all of their sloppy ones at the soccer game or PTA meeting. L, we have the best revenge and it’s called being in our fucking 30’s!!! Neener-neener- neeener!!
>From one incredibly hot woman to another: those bitches ‘jus jealous! Mamma K is right! Consider this nonsense a compliment, though I know it feels more like a slap in the face. And congradulations, may your house be filled with laughter.PS: It seems to me that most first wives are intrinsically threatened by the idea of a *stepmom*. And to any woman of this type I say: Get confident, stupid!
>Damn that’s harsh! What is wrong with people? Keep those comebacks handy, you may be needing them with that crowd.My first date with my current husband was to go on a scouting trip and tape a highschoo football game for the team he coached for. Someone asked which was our kid. My date was 25 and I was 29. Hel-fucking-lo!
>Man…after almost having to remove your link due to stupid stupid internet explorer…can finally view your blog again with firefox!!! So glad I did…LOVE this line: “-I am? (Looking down in horror at my stomach) Why the fuck am I always the last to know?!” Can I borrow it one day??? :-)))
>Oh, I wish your kid was on my stepkid’s soccer, or football, or cross country team! I too am “the stepmom,” apparently the only one. Though all kinds of other crazy shit goes on at that school. I wish I had been there to slap that beeyah for you. Congratulations, by the way.
>Jesus H., I am hoping my kids are band or theatre dorks.