I'm Lindsay Ferrier, a Nashville wife and mother with a passion for family travel, (mostly) healthy cooking, exploring Tennessee, and raising kids without losing my mind in the process. This is where I share my discoveries with you, along with occasional deep thoughts, pop culture tangents and a sprinkling of snark.
April 8, 2015
I remember a time when providing food for a party meant opening a couple bags of chips, putting out a few 2-liters and a stack of Solo Cups, and maybe baking cookies to show you really cared.
Then the Internet came along and ruined everything.
Now that parties have been Pinterestized, the food has never been fancier. No party is complete now without a food table containing edibles that are color-coordinated and garnished and personalized and otherwise whimsified. To make matters worse, there’s this weird movement afoot to make food look like… people. Most moms are smart enough to use the edible eyes in this endeavor, but I’ll never forget going to a kindergarten party and realizing that one mom had sent homemade cake pops with plastic googly eyes on them.
“I’m pretty sure these eyes aren’t supposed to be eaten,” one mom said dubiously as we prepared to hand them out.
“I guess the kids will have to learn that the hard way,” I replied cheerily.
Don’t get me wrong- I’ve seen some beautiful, creative food creations, both on Pinterest and in person. But I’ve also seen some things that will haunt my dreams forever. You want to know what I’m talking about, don’t you? You want your dreams to be haunted, too. Or maybe you just want to take revenge on the bullies that populate your little darling’s classroom.
Whatever your reason, here are a few of the most terrifying food creations I’ve ever seen.
Say, Moms! Want to give your kids the gift of SHEER TERROR for dinner tonight? Try this twisted take on pigs in blankets! These creatures look like they died a slow-roasting death, squealing for mercy.
Do your kids love bananas as much as mine? Why not surprise them by carving in it the face of a deranged psychopath who just escaped from the state mental institution and is believed to be armed and wearing a giant cone-shaped banana hat? THEY’LL LOVE IT.
You should definitely make this slimy orange infant the star of your next baby shower– I mean, what mother-to-be wouldn’t love contemplating the similarities between a real baby and one that’s made of cantaloupe? You can tell by those bulging, bottomless grape eyes that this particular cantaloupe baby is an old soul. *shiver*
In my opinion, there’s no better way to show everyone how much you love two-year-old than by carving her likeness in watermelon flesh for the party. Trust me, this is a centerpiece no one will EVER forget.
Continuing in the watermelon theme, you can’t go wrong with a gigantic melon mouth! Mmmm, I’m getting hungry just LOOKING at it!
Having a Titanic party? (OF COURSE YOU ARE!) Memorialize the night that gigantic ship by recreating it WITH FRUIT. Tell everyone that only the grapes survived! Everyone will think you are so brilliant and creative.
Need a showstopper for your next church potluck dinner? Two words: Watermelon Jesus.
Want to impress a woman on your first date? Consider surprising her at dinner with a Vegetable Man who looks remarkably like… YOU! I guarantee that this will be an evening neither of you ever forget!
And for the women out there, give your boyfriend-to-be a meal to die for by carving your cabbage head on a platter! Hey, it’s a great conversation starter! (Or ender. But let’s hope for the best!)
Most of us have trouble getting our kids to eat healthy fruits and vegetables. Make the job easier by putting a raw cauliflower head on a pineapple, adding lemons, olives and carrots for the dog’s face, ears, and paws, and forcing your little rugrats to eat the new family pet (after you’ve named it, of course)!!!
We all know an impending surgery can be nervewracking. Help your pal to laugh it off by making him a dissected cake! He’ll feel SO MUCH BETTER!
Whenever I see a cucumber, I think of an alligator wearing a red scarf and playing an accordion. I’m pleased to see I’m not the only one!
Not one of your guests will be able to resist eating a screaming strawberry with bad teeth and a disturbing, lizard-like tongue! NOT ONE.
Whether you’re hosting an intimate dinner for two or an elaborate party for 200, you now have plenty of ideas for a food table that EVERYONE will be talking about! I’m glad I could help you out– That’s what friends are for!
Header Image via Spler