>All I Want for Christmas
>God, I want so much to be a happy suburban housewife.
But I spend way too much time agonizing over how to feed this gnawing inside me for something more than carpooling and coupon clipping.
While Hubs seems content to stoically soldier on in pursuit of a Perfect Family Experience, I’m likely to stay up too late crying in the bathroom over the subtle post-children changes in our relationship.
And I’ve spent more than enough time here detailing the ways it’s been made clear to me that much of the neighborhood thinks I’m mentally challenged when it comes to running a household.
The problem, generally speaking, is that my damned emotions get in the way. They are angsty, they are messy and they’re not doing anyone any good.
Which is why this Christmas, I’m asking for a frontal lobotomy.
I realize that some of you might think my idea is a tad bit extreme, but hey, it worked in Stepford… Why not here in my own burbish paradise?
The only downside I can think of is that this blog would no longer fit my stabilized personality, but I could always start a whole new blog on the merits of homeschooling. Sort of like this one. Now, don’t they look HAPPY? Or at the very least, spunky? God, if I could get my girls to dress in revolutionary war gear on a daily basis, I do believe the neighbors would literally froth with envy.
And there are other positives. Dinner would always be on time! Check card purchases would always be written in the bankbook! PMS would be a thing of the past! T.J. Maxx sprees would end altogether! Best of all, Baby would stop saying ‘fuck!’ Because people with frontal lobotomies don’t cuss, do they? Especially not when children are present!
I expect to encounter a slight bit of resistance from Hubs over the matter. After all, lobotomies are expensive and if there’s to be any surgery on his wife, I believe he’d prefer it occur somewhere more, uh, visible. However, when he hears that a lobotomy will eliminate all snarky complaints about coffee spills and dirty shoes, I’m pretty sure he’ll happily fork up the dough.
Yes, my lobotomy will be the envy of every track suit-wearing, Rachel-headed domestic goddess in town. When they see the ease with which I discipline the girls (no more cringing and worrying whether they’re mad at me!) and the hours I can spend reading the same book over and over again to Baby (“Max’s Bath again? Of course! I love Max’s Bath!”), they’ll be lining up by the hundreds to get one of their very own.
So please, Santa. Please bring me a lobotomy. I’ll be very, very good. I’ll have no choice.
>A classic…absolute classic and I still want to know how the cake contest was!Minerva
>What? You didn’t get yours with pregnancy? Everyone knows that the lobotomy comes automatically after having children. I can’t remember yesterday, much less think any deeper thought than what to have for dinner. I used to be smart, insightful (with a pinch of philosophical), but now I’m reduced to an absent-minded blubberer. (Blubbering in more ways than one. Oy.) In fact, I guarantee that Iβll forget I even wrote this within five minutes. Itβs a gloriously thought-free lifestyle, if not a tad tough on the ego. I’d definitely look into that, if I were you.
>I don’t even have kids yet and I need one of those. That is the ONLY way I will fit into Suburbia anytime soon. Cause I know I will end up as the crazy witch lady at the end of the block that the neigborhood kids love to torture.
>Heh. My son’s dad once made the mistake of joking, “I heard women become stupider after having kids.” I’m telling you, that man is freakin’ HILARIOUS. Not. What he didn’t realize was that my reflexes and aim had improved. Ahem. ;^) Stay the course, though. You will find that as Baby gets older, you’ll have more time to do non-mommy things and you’ll start feeling like more of yourself. And you will be surprised when it happens. *hugs*
>Ok Lucinda-here’s the deal- I happen to love you the way you are and since I worked my ASS OFF for a very well known neurosurgeon for like EVER and he owes me BIG TIME- I’m gonna give Dr.Brain a call-and tell him to alert all his colleague’s that if a SMART, FUNNY, TALENTED,BEAUTIFUL and VERY LOVING and an incredible SPARK woman comes into their office-asking for a frontal- (no, not that!)to send her PACKING-she is not to be touched or changed in anyway-or some will pay! I can do this-i’m well connected!you see my dear,for you are perfect exactly like you are-you have a wonderful home and family-it’s the rest of the world that needs the lobotomy-So, please go back to that Santa list replace lobotomy with,eh-how about a trip to SLO-to see my friend JAK-or something crazy like that-and you could always ask him to bring Baby a new book collection-But you Lucinda-are AMAZING just the way you are!
>You could start out with electro shock therapy, just to test the waters. Nothing permanent you know. Eh, I would not worry about the neighborhood women, they are probably writing blogs like this one; http://atributetojimmywayne.blogstream.com/v1/pid/11010.html Sorry, that’s mean isn’t it? Anyone who thinks they are perfect needs a lobotomy. Not those of us who know we are not perfect, we just need medication π
>I hope you don’t get what you asked for this year from Santa. Because I’d sure miss that sassy attitude and great writing style. It brings a smile to my face, even on my downest days.P.S. I’m starting to think the suburban housewife thing isn’t for me either. Let’s quit our jobs! (grin)
>No PMS?Hmmmmmm. Thnking, thinking.
>You’ll do no such thing. You must come live by me in my city. We can hang out and carpool together and when you see what a nutjob I am, you’ll feel ever so very much better about yourself.(It’s a service I’ve provided to many locals,free of charge.)
>Sweetie, I’m sure there’s nothing wrong with you. It’s all those other beyotches you have the issue.
>A lobotomy is too permanent. How about trying on a healthy dose of valium for, oh, say, five years or so? At that point, the baby will be in school and you can have glorious free days to yourself.
>Since I’m not fond of neurosurgery, I choose drug induced stupor. LOL!I know there isnothinig with you. I’ve been a SAHM for, um… ever, I think. Anyway, we all feel that way.My one consolation is that my sister is having surgery this week (NOT a lobotomy!) and I can escape to the hospital for a few hours. Now, that sounds like fun, doesn’t it!NOT!
>You almost make your case, almost, because truly, ignorance is bliss. However, you just can’t do it – you’d be depriving us of your wonderful humor. SO, start with some Xanax, and maybe a little Voo Doo for your bitchy acquaintances!
>There was a teaser for a NPR segment where a guy finds out that he had been given a lobotomy as a kid. He went and made a radio documentary about lobotomies and even confronts his dad about why he let it be done.It’s a 22 minute segment here:http://www.soundportraits.org/on-air/my_lobotomy/I haven’t listened to it, but I don’t think you would enjoy the procedure. Stick to the mothers little helpers.And remember I’d rather have a free bottle in front of me than a pre-frontal lobotomy.
>I appreciate your concern, everyone. How about we comprise? I could get a reversible lobotomy… I heard there’s some doctor guy who does it with an ice pick through the nostril. You go home the same day. Congrats, Yellojkt. You’re my 9,000th visitor!! Click this to see what you’ve won! Sucka! π
>I think you are expecting entirely too much of your frontal lobotomy, Lucinda. Dinner would not be on time.Say! Spunky is really- ah, Spunky! Are there ANY days left to nominate Spunky for best homeschooling blog?I certainly hope not.Maybe you need a few days at the spa at Banff- costs about the same since elective brain surgery is not covered by your insurance.Hey! I got a really hard 9 letter word verification- no fair!
>Oh dear Lucinda, if you got what you asked for where would I possibly fill up on snarky sassy gleeful writing? You are so amazingly talented, funny, brilliant. And, btw, I’m so glad someone else noticed that homeschool blog. It’s been creeping me out for weeks. I can’t help but ask–is the glumness the result of the desert reckoning that occured? Say it ain’t true.
>Surely there is something more modern up the doctor’s sleeves than a lobotomy! Don’t do it, Lucinda, we love you just the way you are!
>Dessert reckoning is Saturday. It’s actually the result of having two colds over a three-week period, cleaning the house for said dessert party, in laws coming to visit tomorrow and an argument with Hubs last night (resolved, fortunately!). Thanks for asking. And thanks for the compliments, everyone. I wasn’t fishing. I swear.
>Wait a minute….we aren’t supposed to say “fuck” in front of the children??????? OOps! π heh heh
>oh dear, my dear, I am so hesitant to comment because I think I know how it feels to think that you would be happier in the role with less itchy, bothery brain material… but I’m not going to comment because these days I’m one of those evil, guilt-stricken, neglectful full-time working mothers who almost never carpools and makes a token PTA (P&C here) effort twice a year – this weekend I’m chopping 10 kilograms of onions for a fund raising barbecue…my unlobotomised thoughts are with you!
>Unfortunately, I don’t think a move to the city would fix your problems–unless you’re planning to go without the kids and hubs! A visit to a city, however, might be a good short-term solution. I left my kid and husband home alone and went to NYC with the girls for a bunch of shopping, eating, and drinking. Sometimes time out of the house with frieds can help you regain some perspective.For long-term help, what about therapy? I swear by it.