I'm Lindsay Ferrier, a Nashville writer with a passion for family travel, exploring Tennessee, and raising kids without losing my mind in the process. This is where I share my discoveries, along with occasional deep thoughts, pop culture tangents and a sprinkling of snark. Want to get in touch? Use the CONTACT form at the top of the page.
Awkward Exchange on Aisle 7
July 1, 2011
I wouldn’t exactly call myself a master of social interaction.
That whole I’M SO OUTGOING! SMILE! JAZZ HANDS! thing? It’s just a defensive technique I learned back in my cheerleading days.
Don’t get me wrong, I can hold my own at parties and gatherings. I’m completely comfortable on a stage or in front of a camera and I do just fine with a small group of friends, or even one-on-one over a cup of coffee.
But the truth is, one thing holds me back from being a social whiz. And unfortunately, that one thing is pretty major:
I suck at running into acquaintances.
In fact, it’s fair to say that acquaintances are the bane of my existence. For one thing, they’re everywhere I turn- in the aisles of the grocery. In the parking lot of the gym. At the pool. On the phone. In my neighborhood.
IN MY GRILL.
I’m not talking about acquaintances I interact with regularly on Facebook or my blog, or parents of my daughter’s current friends and classmates, or former Bible study members. If we’ve shared an experience or had lots of small conversations, I consider you to be a friend- or at least a would-be-friend-if-either-of-us-had-time-to-pursue-that-thing-called-friendship.
No, I’m talking about people like my 20-year-old stepdaughter’s 2nd grade teacher. And the guy I interviewed ten years ago about a tax protest. And that photographer I worked with on a one-day shoot when I was 25 years old. And the former manager (ca. 2004) of the Regal 12. People I know, but don’t really know. People who look vaguely familiar, but I can’t for the life of me figure out why.
These are the kinds of people that make my social life a living hell.
A big part of the problem is that I am utterly incapable of faking emotion. In general, I consider this to be a good thing- It keeps me honest. But it is definitely NOT a good thing when I run into you at the bakery and WHO THE HELL ARE YOU AND WHY ARE YOU SMILING AT ME? is written all over my face.
As I get older, I find myself analyzing my actions more in an effort to improve. In doing this, I realized the other day that I’ve developed a really pathetic technique to limp through the running-into-an-acquaintance process. After an acquaintance has been spotted, eye contact has been made, and interaction is unavoidable, here is my patented, five-step technique. (Warning: Don’t try this at home.)
- Smile. Try (you will be unsuccessful, but TRY DAMMIT) to make smile look genuine.
- Put one foot in front of the other until you are closer (BUT NOT TOO CLOSE) to the acquaintance.
- Say “Hellohowareyou?!” enthusiastically while trying desperately to figure out who the acquaintance is and how you know him/her. Avoid squinting and furrowing brow as you do this, as it does not seem to go over well.
- Throw in a little personal anecdote to indicate that you are completely comfortable with this social exchange, despite your squinting and your furrowed brow. GOOD EXAMPLE: “I’ve got a couple of minutes away from the kids, and I’d completely forgotten that grocery shopping can be kind of fun!” BAD EXAMPLE: “Is it Senior Citizens Day or have zombies made Kroger their new headquarters?”
- Say “Great seeing you!” and move on. Remember to smile EVERY SINGLE TIME that you run into same acquaintance before your grocery shopping is done. Don’t decide that you’re tired of smiling and then pretend that you no longer know said acquaintance three aisles down. Said acquaintance will likely end up telling a mutual friend a few weeks later that you are “kind of a bitch” and you will be very frustrated by this news because YOU WENT THROUGH ALL THE STEPS! WHAT MORE COULD AN ACQUAINTANCE ASK FOR?!
My 5-step process requires a lot of thinking, doesn’t it? Running into an acquaintance is emotionally exhausting for me– and all I wanted to do was pick up a few things for a salad!
It occurred to me as I mulled over my process that I’m far from alone– social awkwardness is a surprisingly popular topic on the web. If I’ve learned anything online, it’s that a lot of us out there feel like social misfits underneath our piles of makeup/Dodgers caps/mullets/confidence wigs.
And so I’m bringing my problem to you, Internet. I’m offering it up for your dissection. I’m beseeching you to come to my aid.
Help me solve my acquaintance awkwardness…
LEST MY FIVE-STEP PROCESS ONE DAY BE — USED ON YOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUU. (Please read that with an echo effect. Thank you.)
Image via The Consumerist/Flickr
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I see where you are going with the steps, but that is just too much work. I like to just hide until the coast is clear. bahahahaha
Even after you’ve made eye contact? Because I’m thinking that might actually be even worse than the 5-step process! LOL
Wow, that sounds like a lot of work! I usually just smile and nod in their direction and hope they don’t want to start a conversation! 🙂
Smile. Nod. Check. 🙂 WHY do I feel obligated to have a conversation??! Maybe that’s why the other person always looks so uncomfortable!
Yeah, I’m with Trilby. Smile, nod, maybe a “Hey!”, and keep going.
WHAT? But what about my personal anecdote?! There MUST be a personal anecdote!
If eye contact is made, smile and perhaps even wave. If they look like they are coming in for a “talk” pretend like your cell phone just vibrated and you can’t ignore it. 😉
BRILLIANT. I have tried pretending like I’m extremely near-sighted, but that hasn’t worked so well.
Your approach is an accident waiting to happen – please stop at once! It could be that you don’t actually know the vaguely-familiar target. I cannot recognize people unless I really know them well – even famous people. I once chatted it up with famed basketball coach Bobby Knight for 15 minutes, asking about his family, work, etc. He seemed friendly enough and even asked about my family too. I knew he looked familiar, but I thought he was an old friend of the family or something. Only years later when I saw him on tv did I recognize my error. So embarrassing!
The thought that I might actually be talking to a celebrity is kind of exciting, actually….
You ARE a celebrity. Many times (obviously not the 2nd grade teacher) the person is probably just looking at you and you completely don’t know them or they just slightly resemble someone you have known (or at least have met). If they rope you into talking and it is clear you don’t recognize them, just say “I’m sorry, I can’t place you, but that’s a good sign — I never forget b1tches and a-holes [or just “people I have negative memories about].”
Well thanks, but ‘celebrity’ is a strong word! How about ‘Known to dozens?’ LOL There are definitely people who I don’t know at all who are friendly (this is the south, after all), but then there are people I KNOW I know, I just don’t know how I KNOW them. You know what I mean? 😉 We have gone so many places and done so many things in the ten years that I’ve been here, I can’t keep track. I know I worry about it too much, because my husband goes through the very same ‘How do I know you?’ thing and doesn’t think twice about it.
I can relate. The nature of my job, volunteer activities, church and community involvement means that more people know who I am than I know. I can’t step out of my house without running into people who know me. At the local grocery store, I usually run into 2 or 3 acquaintances while shopping. My technique: smile, nod, and reach for the nearest item on the shelf and peruse the ingredients list. I just pray the item isn’t a pack of condoms, a pregnancy test kit, anti-fungal vaginal cream, or a six-pack of beer.
I read recently about this disorder that prevents people from recognizing faces- Some people can’t recognize ANYONE, even their own children, by face, but the article said that other people have it in varying degrees. I swear I think I might have a mild form of it, because I can meet someone and COMPLETELY have forgotten what they looked like within a few days. I try to memorize a facial feature or something distinctive, but I don’t always remember to do that. Uggggghhhhh.
My biggest problem? SUNGLASSES. I can NOT recognize people if they are wearing shades. I have had conversations with people I couldn’t place at all, until they removed their sunglasses and I realize that I actually know them, and fairly well–then I look like a real ass with my fakey-fake small talk.
My solution to the acquaintance thing is pretty straightforward. Move. A lot. heh heh
I HATE talking to people in sunglasses, because I’m wondering where they’re looking the whole time!
In dealing with acquaintances, I have also tried pretending like I’m nearsighted, pretending that I have water in my ears, and pretending like I don’t speak English anymore. I don’t recommend any of these techniques, for the record.
This made me laugh because my husband used to run into people and he wouldn’t introduce me. I used to get mad and I finally asked him why he wouldn’t introduce me. it turns out he couldn’t remember most of them and was just embarrassed. lol
Ha! We went through the same thing when we married, and had to come up with a code- If he introduces me and not them, then that means he doesn’t remember their name and I hold out my hand, say ‘hi’ and “What’s your name?” But yeah, there were a few arguments about that there in the beginning!
I go with the real basic, I ask them somehow. It gets the job done, AND informs you without being impolite, so it won’t fester in the back of your mind for days (which, before I just started admitting I’d forgotten them, eats at me). It literally drives me slightly insane for a day or so, ’til I forget them again. Do that smile back thing for sure, then brazenly walk right up (quickly ~ you don’t want to drag this out) and say something like…
“Hey, awesome…I was JUST thinking about you the other day, and could NOT, for the life of me, put my finger on your name OR how exactly I know you. So…fill me in, here… I’ll file you in the correct folder for ‘excellent people’ in my virtual thumb drive!” (Tap your temple with your forefinger as you do this, so they “get it”). Dummy up the variations based on who this is (male, female, young, blue-haired, etc.) and/or insert your own personality into the conversation accordingly.
Have a nice mutual chuckle with said acquaintance, make sure you add the “Great Seeing You!”, then, when safely out of the meeting area, actually type it out in something like a smart phone notes app, because you CANNOT use this approach twice!
Contrary to what you might think, MOST folks (unless they’re cold and inhuman, in which case they’d never have caught your eye and smiled in
the first place) understand that “Tip of the Tongue” syndrome. Humans going through life interacting with others of our species, know JUST how maddening that can be.
I <3 the new website BTW…looking good. Now I bet THAT was a HUGE labor of love!
Happy America's Birthday, Lindsay! As always, I want to thank you for being such a GR8 distraction from other things I SHOULD be doing (other than reading what YOU'RE doing…).
Cheers,
~ Cathy in Shrewsbury, MA
Thank you Cathy! Great idea! Now I just need to write down your script and memorize it. ;D
Oh, I’m afraid I can’t offer any great advice here as “socially awkward” is my middle name. Like you- fine on stage or with a small group of friends. Otherwise, I’m hopeless. Anyway, just wanted to say:
1. You are not alone (but you knew that 🙂
2. I love love LOVE the new site. It’s perfect. I was afraid I’d get lost like I do on so many sites (can you say BlogHer?) but this is easy and looks great and OMG are you an accomplished woman (per “MEET”)So seriously envious of your life. But not in a stalker way– just in a we-could-totally-be-buds-if-I-lived-in Nashville way 🙂
Thank you so much, Kelly! So glad the site is working for you. I tried to imagine what I’d want to see in a site as a reader and this was what we came up with. 🙂 And if you’re ever in Nashville, let’s get coffee!
My girlfriend forwarded me this post as I just tweeted about being in my hometown and running into the craziest FREAK from high school at the local grocery store. I saw her from behind early on and made sure to never let her see “my” face. I managed to get through the entire store, only to have her notice me as she’s getting into the check-out aisle.
So I did what any self-respecting person who has absolutely no time for this would do … when she walked past and did the double-take, I put my head down and power pushed my cart to the other side of the store. And when she started yelling my name, “JILL … JILL”, I pretended like I didn’t hear her – or that it wasn’t me.
And then I hid in the back of the grocery store for about 7 minutes, until she finally got through the line and left the store.
So … clearly, I’m not the one to ask for advice. I just TOTALLY relate!
Ha! I TOTALLY know the feeling!
well you coud wear a full face burqua when you go out in public…
Now that’s an idea…
You know what I suck at… the hugs. I can’t do the hug right even with my friends. Why do we have to hug? And don’t even get me started on that kiss on the cheek thing. OH MY GOD. SERIOUSLY. I start to get really anxious just thinking about that.
I suck at friendly hugs with men. There cannot be anyone in this world worse at friendly hugs with men than me. AWKWARD.
You reminded me of Hyperbole and A Half, where she talks about the awkward grocery store exchange, where you see each other on each aisle. http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/09/four-levels-of-social-entrapment.html
My “problem” is that my now-three-year-old daughter has been wearing glasses since she was 18 months. A child that young with (pink, plastic) glasses is immediately recognizable. Several times recently I’ve talked with moms that know her from the child care of the rather large Bible study I go to. But I do not necessarily recognize them or their cute kids. Luckily, they do not expect me to know their names. But they all know hers, which is kind of freaky to me.
That post is HILARIOUS. So glad I’m not alone!
I’m a pretty outgoing, friendly person. Normally I’m the one doing most of the talking but when it comes to running into someone at the store or anywhere I tend to want to just turn around. Unless it’s a best friend or family member (well, most family members) I usually head in the opposite direction. Eye contact is what gets me. I hate it. Even in conversation with someone close. If I’m making eye contact with someone for more than a few seconds I feel like they’re staring deep into my soul and judging. Maybe I’m the weirdo after all…
I have a similar problem. I think I just worry too much in general about what other people are thinking of me, and when I’m talking to an acquaintance, that goes into overdrive. Weirdos, unite!
[…] discussion last week about the awkwardness of making conversation with acquaintances led in the comments to a related topic that is, if possible, even more awkward. It’s so […]