My husband and I have this inside joke that’s not at all funny. Any time we find a new product that we REALLY like and are REALLY excited about, we know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it’s only a matter of time before it’s discontinued.

It’s happened so often that we’ve almost managed to convince ourselves WE are manufacturers’ litmus test for deciding whether to discontinue a product — I’m actually starting to think we may be the stars of our own Truman Show of shopping, our every purchasing move recorded by a sizable crew of computer hackers, hidden camera operators, and costumed extras.

“Sir, according to our field agents, the Ferriers have bought those new Tuscan Cheese-flavored potato chips eleven times now.”

“Eleven times? That’s a code red! Discontinue those chips immediately!”

I know. It would definitely be the most boring movie ever made. BUT STILL. How do you explain Taco Bell removing their amazing Nacho Fries from the menu, after we bought them on three consecutive Wednesdays? Or Revlon robbing us of its Super Lustrous Lipgloss right after I told all my friends about it? Or Publicity, definitely the best restaurant in our neighborhood, mysteriously shutting its doors just one night after we ate there? Coincidence? I THINK NOT.

It’s clearly all our fault — We loved too much, and we lost. They givethed and then they takethed away. And it was not good.

But this time, it’s really too much to bear, because THEY’VE TAKETHED MY BODY CREAM.

 

I found Jergens BB Body Perfecting Skin Cream at the grocery store a few years ago, and the very first time I slathered it on my skin I knew it was destined to be discontinued. Because this stuff felt like heaven. It promised to hydrate and smooth, brighten and illuminate, firm my skin and minimize imperfections — and wonder of wonders, it actually did all of those things! My skin never felt or looked better, and I wasn’t the only one to notice. Others actually commented on the softness of my skin, which was weird, but OKAY! Knowing this miracle cream couldn’t possibly last, I began buying it in bulk on Amazon, five or six tubes at a time, and I was glad I did because within 6 months, it disappeared from my grocery shelves.

For the last year or so, though, it was still in good supply online. Then came this morning — I realized I was on my last tube of lotion and it was very nearly empty. I pulled it up on Amazon and the price had jumped to $25 a bottle — three times what it’s worth. The same was true on every other website that carried it, including eBay. And when the price goes up on eBay, you know it’s over. It’s all over.

It would appear that my favorite body cream has been discontinued. And I am doomed to wrinkly, rough crepe paper skin for the remainder of my days.

Unless I can find this BB Body Perfecting Skin Cream on the black market, that is. But I’m not really familiar with how to shop the black market.  I looked up ‘Shop black market in Nashville’ and all I could find was White House Black Market — I’ve been there and I definitely did not see any signs of my BB Body Cream. Perhaps their black market part of the store is in the back, behind the Employees Only door… Do I need a password to get in?

I’m also considering taking my chances on the Dark Web. Again, I know nothing about the Dark Web except that it exists and my credit card number is probably stored on it, which would actually be convenient if they’re also selling my BB Body Perfecting Skin Cream. How do I find the beauty products section of the Dark Web? Anyone?

In the meantime, this morning I squeezed the very last dregs of BB Body Perfecting Skin Cream from the tube and applied it to my skin, weeping copious tears all the while. I plan to contact my city councilman and my state representatives because this discontinued thing isn’t right, and laws should be passed to stop it. We the people deserve great skin. And delicious nacho fries. And super-shiny lip gloss. And I won’t rest until we have them.

RISE UP.

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