>How Forward of Me
>Some of you may remember the problems I’ve had with my mom and her e-mail forwards. She sends me somewhere between 2 and 12 a day, and frankly, it is driving me out of my mind. I love my mom, but she has the worst taste in forwards of anyone I know. Part of me believes she is sending me every bad forward she can find just to pay me back for the hell I put her through during junior high. Because what kind of mother would e-mail her daughter a dozen plane crash photos three days before a scheduled cross-country flight?
Two years ago, I politely asked her to stop sending them and she was so offended that she didn’t e-mail me again- at all- for a year and a half. Once that was worked out, the flurry of forwards continued. I tried deleting them, but she must’ve caught on, because she began quizzing me about their contents every time we talked.
Still, I had one last trick up my sleeve, a plan so insidious and so dastardly that it was guaranteed to stop even the most die-hard forwarder in her tracks….
You can read about my evil e-mail in this week’s Nashville Scene. The full text of the column is below.
Too Forward
Some mothers show their affection by checking in with their grown children on the phone every day. Other moms send along cards or small gifts in the mail.
My own mother lets me know she cares by sending me e-mail forwards. Lots of them.
FWD: KILLER TARGETING SOLO FEMALE SHOPPERS!!
FWD: PLASTIC STORAGE CONTAINERS CA– USE STRANGE FATAL ILLNESS!!
FWD: SERIAL RAPIST LOOKING FOR MOMS WITH YOUNG CHILDREN!!
FWD: CANCER-CAUSING AGENT FOUND IN CHEESEBURGERS!!
“Mom, you’re forwarding me too many e-mails,” I said after a record 15-forward day. “And most of them aren’t even true.”
“Of course they’re true!” She said, offended. “You can look them up if you don’t believe me.”
“Or you can look them up before you forward them and then you won’t have scared 20 of your friends,” I countered.
“You know I don’t have time to do that. I lead a very busy life! I don’t even have time to read all of them. I just send them on.”
I clenched my teeth. If only there were e-mail police, surely she’d get a citation for this blatant breach of forwarding etiquette.
“Anyway,” she continued. “You’ll be happy to know that your daddy submitted the forward about cheeseburgers to Truth or Dare, but he hasn’t heard back from them yet.”
“Do what?”
“That website you told me about. Truth or Dare.”
“You mean the urban legend site? Snopes?”
“Whatever. Anyway, he sent it so they could run it through their system and then tell him whether it’s true or not. But they haven’t replied, so I just went ahead and sent it on.”
Apparently, my mother had decided that the Snopes people have a special contraption resembling a fax machine that scans e-mail forwards and then stamps them either TRUE or, uh, DARE.
“Mom, you just go to the website yourself and do a search. You just type in, like, ‘cheeseburger’ and ‘cancer’ and the research on that e-mail will come up.”
“Yes.” She sounded annoyed. “And I told you, Truth or Dare hasn’t responded!”
M’kay.
After that botched conversation, I really had no other choice. It was time to fight forwards with forwards.
Since then, every time my mom has sent me a forward, I’ve “forwarded” one back, after tailoring it to make it a more interesting read.
FWD: WHAT LIES BENEATH (THE TOILET SEAT)!!
I typed in this subject line with great satisfaction, after finding a forward about a rare, highly poisonous, and totally fake South African spider that supposedly had been hiding under toilet seats at restaurants and biting unsuspecting squatters. I changed the spider-plagued city to my mom’s town, the restaurant to her favorite lunch spot, and sent it straight to her inbox.
FWD: SNAKES ON A PLAIN… OLE’ DEPARTMENT STORE BASKET!!
The next day, I e-mailed her a completely false warning I found about a woman at a department store who put her hand inside an imported wicker basket, was bitten by a poisonous snake, and dropped dead right in the middle of Housewares.
FWD: MY LIPS ARE SEALED. PERMANENTLY!!
Two days later, I passed on a bogus forward about the presence of lead in lipsticks, complete with a list of offenders that included all her favorites. I even added a number nine at the bottom that said, “Pretty much any lipstick you’d find in the Tod’s handbag of a Symphony Guild member,” in the event that I’d left out one of her trusted brands.
“So did you get my e-mails, Mom?” I asked the next time I talked to her on the phone.
“Yes! Are you trying to scare me to death?”
“Gosh,” I said, wounded, “I just don’t want you to be bitten on the butt by a deadly spider the next time you go out to eat.”
“Don’t worry, darling, I’d gotten that one before,” she said knowledgeably. “I always check for spiders under the seat. I’m just glad you know about them now.”
“Yes, but what about the lipstick?” I pressed. “I hope you’re not wearing any right now…”
“Well, of course I am,” she said breezily. “I’ve known about the lead for years! My girlfriends and I have talked about it and there’s no way any of us are going to stop wearing lipstick. We figure everyone has to die somehow!”
“And the snake in the basket?”
“Now that was a new one. I’m having Daddy run it through Truth or Dare,” she said. Because if there are deadly snakes at Saks, then we’ve got a problem!”
Dammit to hell. I should’ve known better than to try and beat a master forwarder at her own game.
Now I’m just wondering what kind of dare I’ll have to complete after my phony forward is spit out of her special Snopes machine.
>My ex-step-mother-in-law (how’s that for super-hyphenation) used to be the Forwarding Queen. After I sent her back enough Snopes, er, uh, Truth or Dare de-bunkings, she finally took me off her list. I feel your pain! I’ve always believed that people should be licensed to use the Internet.
>OMG…that was hilarious! Of course, I guess it is funny to me, because I am not on the receiving end of her forwards. I actually thought that you sending her “personalized” warnings (particularly the spider) was clever. Hmmm..there’s only one thing to do…you must kidnap her computer.
>Does she ever send real e-mail? If not, you could set up a filter or mark her stuff as spam. Or just tell her your spam filter deletes all that stuff automatically (she won’t know that isn’t possible, will she?) … evil laugh…That would drive me freaking berserk! I have a friend who forwards alotolot o’stuff. Most of it, I just delete.
>Spam filter. Now that’s a good one. She would have no idea what that is, so she’d totally buy it.
>That was a great post and article. I loved the reactions to your forwards. Great wit and very funny. Good job!
>My Aunt is the same way. Drives me berserk! Your article was hilarious!
>LOL!Thank God my mother thinks computers are machines made by the devil, and internet, hell. She doesn’t even have an answering machine on her phone.
>I usually give people one chance with Snopes and then I give up on them and just delete, delete, delete. I like how she counteracted your plan though.
>Too funny! I had a little better luck with my mom. I sent her to purportal.com and she’s really good about looking up to see if an email is just a scam….except, she still forwards the emails to me and the entire list of her high school buddies she recently reunited with at her 40th reunion – she just adds “Don’t worry about this, it’s not true”
>Ah, I feel your pain. When my dad was first getting into emailing, he’d forward things like child support scams and the like. Finally I told him I get plenty of spam on my own and didn’t need his! Then my ex’s sister-in-law started sending me all the scary warning spams. I debunked a few via Snopes, but then she started sending me things so I could check them for her, despite my having directed her to Snopes so she could check them herself. Now I just let her send all the spam she wants, since she’s not much of a typist and at least she thinks to email me. ;^)
>My parents are horrible with the forwards. My dad has sent me the same forward 7 times in 10 days because he forgot he had already sent it to me. They are just computer literate enough to know how to forward, but no enough to see that they’ve already forwarded it. At first I started sending them back but that just seemed to encourage him to send it to me 3 more times. Then I did what you did, made up my own interesting headlines but then he believed them. And started warning me about the dangers of a Peruvian green-haired rabbit that could be living under my house because he got an e-mail from someone who’s neighbor’s cousin’s second wife’s boss was killed by one.It’s not that he’s dumb. Just really gullible. Someday I am going to go visit and unplug their keyboard. I figure that will buy me a month of no forwards before they call in tech support to fix it for them.
>I desperately wanted to know the trick to getting this stuff stopped. Unhappily, there doesn’t appear to be one — not for your Mom, at least. God bless unfearing Moms…
>Are you sure we weren’t separated at birth?I tried the snopes thing just this weekend. We’ll see if it sticks.But what am I to do with the religious/cute kitten/poetry emails? Oy….
>You guys are cracking me up! It’s good to know I’m not alone…
>My dad sends me a lot-then quizzes me.Now have I asked you this before- ever time talk about your mom(whom I have to, I love!but I don’t live with her) Emily Gilmore comes to mind(from Gilmore Girls)so, I’m I right about that? Just curious.
>Loved this post!!
>momslo, it’s so funny that you mention Emily Gilmore, because I’m watching Gilmore Girls with my girls right now and she reminds me so much of my mom, it’s uncanny. My mom is more complex, of course, and has a wonderful, loving side to her (which is why I’m often conflicted about getting irritated with her), but there are definite similarities and I often feel like I’m watching myself and my mom on that show. Weird…
>Hilarious! You’re Mom’s a hoot! My Mom will NOT forward email as she HATES forwards of any kind, but she loves to cut out those same kinds of articles out of her local newspaper and send them to me.
>i had been sending e-mails to my mil for almost a year before i found out she had no idea how to even open her mail page!!!you could tell her she sent you a virus and now you can’t get to your e-mail, maybe she’ll stop.
>Proof once again that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.But — to interstellarlass — what’s with getting a “license for the Internet?” That sounds like something they might do in, um, China?Very enjoyable post.
>My dad’s cousin sends me a bunch of forwards… I got him to stop by looking up the Snopes myself and sending him this message…It’s NOT TRUE…Here’s the Snopes link…http://blahblah.comAfter less than a month of this he decided to either look them up himself or to take me off the list that he sends that stuff to. Now I get pictures that I don’t open and jokes.
>That was soooo funny. I am so going to change every forward I get now.
>oh my god Mo, that is funny.Lucinda, have you tried replying to everyone on her list saying “it’s not true” and providing the link to Snopes – then it will be sort of showing her up to her friends – kind of mean, but hey, drastic measures and all that.***But what am I to do with the religious/cute kitten/poetry emails? Oy…. ***oh christ, I hate that shit! One friend in particular sends me that crap. Blech
>I actually did send a response to everyone once that had the Snopes research in it, proving it false. Let’s just say that she wasn’t very happy…
>Lindsay! You made my day!! That was so friggin’ funny!! You and your Mom are just two peas in a pod. I do feel your frustration though, my Dad kept on ccing his children in everything and it drives me insane!! I’ve asked him not to do it any more b/c I don’t need to know (in nicer term), but I think he just ignores my request.
>OMGosh! Did you know there’s a chemical in Swiffer that will totally kill babies and pets? Forward on to everyone you know! That is, if you love them…
>I used to send back the URL for Hampster Dance. Worked like a charm–if someone got it three times they never sent another spam forward again.
>I got a lot of stupid cute, pickme up type of forwards with the guilt trip pass this on to show people you care at the end from my family for ages. Finally I had it. Every one got one reply from me on the next cheesy spammy message about why I thought it was stupid and unkind to be sending these things on to people, though more politely of course.I stopped getting any forwards pretty soon after that.I have no idea why it worked for me.Maybe they could tell I was pissed.
>Just read your column. Your mother sounds hilarious. Bless you for trying to fight forwards with forwards, but she sounds like she is addicted to urban legends and won’t quit forwarding any time soon. You’ll just have to grit your teeth and bear it, I guess.
>Lindsay, I think that was the funniest thing I’ve read from you, ever. Oh my God. And not just because I’ve had similar conversations with my stepmother who still thinks that Bill Gates will send us all a grand just for forwarding on his email.
>(Lower lip trembling just slightly)You mean he won’t?
>LOL!! That’s good!I have an aunt like that…Best of luck to you…
>Curmudgeon…just like people are licensed to drive or get married or cut hair…they should be licensed to use the Internet! Would you want some uninstructed, unlicensed driver out on the road? I think not! They should be required to take basic email, netiquette (NO CAPS), and have to read all of Snopes.com before they get online and drive the Information Superhighway!
>Should I be worried that the comments I get are funnier than my posts???
>I hate hamsters too. We had 2 and we gave those bastards away. LOL.
>I hate most of the fwds I get – most of which I saw 2yrs ago, and were debunked by Snopes 5yrs before that.And people will ALWAYS get offended when you ask them to desist, and often will cut you off their email list completely .. I am glad I am not the only one.BUT, peoples ! Use discretion please ! I’m sorry I offended you, but yeah, i’d rather have you sulking and sending me NO emails than the 50+ crap ‘funny’ cartoons and etc you used to send.’Word’
>My mom is even more diabolical…I have Crohn’s right? Which means I spend half my life in the bathroom and a good part of the other half in bed attempting to not do a Linda Blair. When my mother finds out I’m walking the Nausea Trail again she emails recipes!!! Complete with pictures! Some of them from lileks.com. You know, those horrible food pictures from the 50’s where everything looks slightly yellow and kinda slimy? She’s sent me The South Dakota Roadkill Cookbook! She says she’s trying to cheer me up.