>One of Those Letters
>Dear Mom,
When you told me last Friday that you were coming to visit this weekend, I may not have sounded very excited. When you told me you were planning on staying here, I may even have put the phone on mute and let forth a spew of unmentionable words. For that, I apologize. It’s not that I don’t want to see you and Dad. I’ve really missed you. It’s that this week was supposed to be my week off.
You know how the girls are with their mom this week? That means no carpool for me. No dinners for five. No massive laundry day. No last-minute runs to Michael’s/Walgreen’s/Target for hot glue/graph paper/sports bras. This was going to be my week off. I had visions of actually watching Oprah and Dr. Phil, like all the other moms. Baking cookies with my toddler. Meeting friends for lunch. Catching up on writing projects.
Instead, I’ve spent the week scrubbing. Vacuuming. Scouring. Mopping. Magic Erasering. And worst of all, dusting, which has resulted in a week-long runny nose fest ad giv-ed be a lovely dew way with words. Yesterday, my handyman spent the day here, hanging mirrors, fixing running toilets, and installing a new garage door. Today, the plumber will be here any moment to unstop the bathtub drain.
All this so that when you arrive, I can pretend that the surfaces are always sparkling, the toys are always put away, the drains actually drain, and the garage door goes up and down with the push of a button.
So I’m begging you, please pretend not to notice the paint that’s beginnng to peel in the guest bathroom. Or the missing handle on the microwave oven. Or the unpolished silver bowls and coasters. Please don’t grab a dishtowel and start cleaning the dining room table the moment you arrive. Please don’t ask for the dust broom so that you can get down the one spiderweb I overlooked in the corner. You wonder why I seem upset when you do these things? Well, now you know. It’s pretty frustrating to work my ass off all week, only to realize what I’ve missed.
Of course, I’ll never actually tell you this stuff. I’ve got too much pride for that. And I don’t want to hurt your feelings. But it all makes sense when I write it down in a place where you’ll (hopefully) never see it.
Love,
Lindsay
>You sure nailed this one. I would love to write the same letter and hand it to my mom anyday, but of course will never do. It feels great to read yours though. What is it about our moms and why do they all do this? It’s so frustrating, but you chose to deal with it in the best of ways, inspiring.
>that was like when my mum came for a week when I first had the baby. She cleaned the house within an inch of it’s life. I felt like she must’ve thought I was such a dirty person for her to have to do that much cleaning, but honestly, I didn’t think my house was that bad! It’s just she is super fussy. She even pulled out the middle of the washing machine agitator and cleaned that. WTF!
>I can relate so much it’s scary. I had given my mom an extra key to my family student apartment (for emergencies, in case I locked myself, out, etc) when I was attending college and living there with my sons. She came over unannounced one day while I was in class, let herself in, cleaned up, then read me the riot act for the shape the place was in. Gahhhhhhh!
>I have a magic formula for my house. Whenever I need the house cleaned, I invite my HUSBAND’s mother over for dinner – and I do nothing…as I watch my husband turn into the white tornado ;o) Fortunately, I’m lucky my mom doesn’t pick (because the week before she visits I invite my mother in law for dinner BROOOOOOHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!) I dread the day he figures this out!!! (yes, it’s evil but hey, a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do)
>Oh, a friend of mine used to wake up in the MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT to the sound of cleaning in her house – her mother would use the key that she gave her for emergencies, and come over and start cleaning her daughter’s house when she couldn’t sleep.The daughter moved far, far away.
>Amen.
>Good for you! I mean for putting into words. Did it make you feel better? Do you think your mom does it to make you feel bad or is she just trying to help? My Mom comes over here and cleans all the time when she’s watching the boys and it doesn’t bother me one bit. I don’t know why it doesn’t bother me, it just doesn’t. I just say thanks and am realived I don’t have to do laundry! 🙂
>I am sure your parents miss you. Let them take baby out during non nap time to satisfy their grandparent needs. This will also help free up writing and tv time for you. If your Mother breaks out in a clean mode walk up and hug her till she squeels “I cannot breath honey.” Tell her that you always knew you needed her and for her to clean up after a cleaning crew just means she loves you more than anything money can buy/the cleaning crew costs. If you need a cleansing break from all the love tell her there is this to die for only in this region _______ and you will pop out for only a moment to get it. Then tell baby to show Grandma the bird house she made (the one you purchased at the craft store and let baby paint herself) that is nailed to the farthest reigon of the back yard. As you close the back door mention something about puppy needing exercise and let puppy out as you bolt for the car. When you get back Grandma might be too worn out to complain or clean. Ok I hope you wont but if you need it…
>I could have written this verbatim, to my mother-in-law. God bless you, dear woman…
>I’m so lucky. My Mom has never cleaned my house unless asked and never, ever picks it apart if it’s messy. Of course we try to whip it into moderate shape if she’s coming (and she never, ever drops in unannounced) but still. My unsent letters tend to be to my Dad, asking him to stop sending me Republican right-wing knee-jerk flag waving “Christian” forwards that say that my partner and I practice “sexual perversion” and how DARE we not permit prayer in the schools?!Actually come to think of it I did send him a couple of those letters. The ones I don’t send are about how my house is not a hotel and how we like more than 10 minutes notice seeing as he drove for three hours to get here for reasons totally unrelated to visiting us, and now expects to be fed and put up for the night. Oh and he brought his nasty little dog who pees on the rug every damn time he comes over. Thanks, Dad.
>And all this time I thought that my mother was the only one who did this. My father once spent an entire afternoon (while she was gone) cleaning and waxing their kitchen floor. As soon as she got home, she examined his work and promptly told him that he missed a spot. He’s never done it since. I would like to think she’s learned not to be so fussy with me…knock on wood.
>It used to really bother me when I would spend hours cleaning and my mother-in-law would point out some huge cobweb on a lampshade I had totally overlooked (but how?!). Now, I just take it in stride and let her clean if she wants to. I’m about to have my second child and she’ll be here for a week or two then and I will let her clean to her heart’s content. In fact, she just asked me for a list of things she can do to help me while she’s here. Now that I’ve let go of being embarrassed that I didn’t clean perfectly and have accepted that I do the best I can, it just doesn’t bother me anymore. I’m happy for the help.
>She should read this… it should get out there. But I know how hard it is. It took me 12 long years to write a long letter to my mother… the subject matter was much more harsh but I finally did it. Things got better after that:) But in reading this I can TOTALLY understand how you feel and how your mom makes you feel! I’m sorry.
>GAH! My Mother in Law not only CLEANS but tries to REDECORATE. I know she is just trying to be a sweetheart, but sometimes I can feel my blood boiling when she starts trying to take down curtains and the like.
>Instead of Dear Mom, for me it would be Dear MIL, b/c they are clean freaks even the hubbie. They never have any trash in the house. They would go and dump the day’s worth of trash somewhere. So my house is spic ‘n span when they come, you can actually do the white glove test. But don’t go in my walk-in closet, b/c all the stuff are in there until they leave. Hee hee.
>i thought my MIL did this sort of thing because she was a neat freak and thought I was a terrible slob. come to find out she only cleans her house every three weeks like a whirlwind, so why should my house be any different? i’ve started giving her huge awful assignments (like clean the hot tub cover) or something so that she doesn’t use her nervous energy on my poor decor.and i do think it’s nervous. she’s afraid she doesn’t live up to some kind of standard and she’s trying to compensate…
>I may have the one mom who not only doesn’t do that, but really doesn’t care.Don’t worry, my Mother-in-Law more than makes up for it, which is really ironic because the woman is a hoarder and every surface is her house is piled a foot high with junk. But god forbid I have a bottle of lotion on my entertainment center.*sigh*
>My Mom just left after her week long visit during which she vacuumed (and actually cleaned the inside of my vacuum out!), made my bed, put my wash away and organized my garage. So, I SO know what you are talking about. Unfortunetely I can’t write a letter to her on my blog, since my passive aggressive sister gave my Mother my blog address. AND by the way, my Mom told me that my photo on my blog was terrible, that I had wrinkles on my face and bags under my eyes!!!!!!I feel better now.
>Oh god yes, I hate when they come and then don’t understand why you’re upset when they are just trying to help. Grrrr. Don’t they see that it’s the implied criticism, the suggestion that we need them to help us because clearly we can’t do it ourselves? That if they are going to be there, we’d like them to be spending that time with us or our children doing pleasant stuff>? May I not inflict the same frustrations on my own one day.
>Good luck, sister. I hope you had time to put those pretty feet up so your ankles don’t swell.Can’t wait to hear about it 😉
>My mom watches the girls at my house on Mondays. You should see the face when she looks around. It drives me mad.Good Luck
>My MIL is just as messy as I am, and my mom, well she knows that I can be a slob. She just keeps her mouth shut, and never does a thing unless I ask her to. So sorry you had to spend your week off cleaning. That just sucks.
>I hope your Mom shocks you by overlooking any random cobweb that might have escaped notice. I never minded when my mom pitched in, but when my mother inlaw did I told her to “Step away from that sponge!”May the visit bring joy! May the letter have helped vent feelings — it is good to let it out!!!
>ditto everybody else. you nailed it.thank god we’re not going to become our mothers, huh?
>Are you girls seriously complaining about free help cleaning your houses?! Of course, if it was my MIL, I might feel like a schlub, but otherwise “Here’s the Pledge Mom, go for it!” It takes a VILLAGE, people!
>Oh man! can I change the name to mine and use this?! 🙂