>Sheer Madness
>Today, I am doing the unthinkable.
I am leaving town for a women’s retreat (Madness, I know, I don’t really understand why I agreed to do it myself because I really don’t like large groups of women for the obvious reason that they might gang up and scratch my eyes out) and for the next three days, my husband will be in charge of taking care of the girls. Obviously, my 15 and 13-year-olds can pretty well take care of themselves, but people.
A Dingo’s got my Baby!!
I am trying to make Hubs a list with specific instructions on what to do, but already, it’s the length of a novella and I’m only through breakfast. And it looks ridiculous on paper.
She likes to have cereal and a banana for breakfast. PUT HER IN HER HIGHCHAIR to eat the cereal. But you have to take the tray off and let her climb up herself or she will cry. PUT A BIB ON HER, unless you’re prepared to change her clothes again. And you don’t have time to do that, because she has to be at the babysitter’s by nine. Ask her which princess movie she wants to watch and move her highchair so that she can see the big TV in the den. Peel the banana for her, but don’t let her see you do it because she will cry and say she wanted to do it herself. Let her hold it in the peel and when she’s eaten half of it, she’ll give it back and you take the rest of the banana out of the peel and let her eat that by itself. She will want to sit in her little blue chair to eat the rest of the banana. If she says “No more banana” and gives you the rest of it, don’t eat what’s left in front of her, or she will cry and say it was her banana. I know she will try and get you to give her ice cream for breakfast, since you always cave, but PLEASE, Hubs. NO ICE CREAM UNTIL AFTER DINNER. It really is okay to say no to her. She will still love you. Just try it sometime and see if I’m not right.
You see? This is entirely unacceptable. And if you think this is bad, you should see the chapter I wrote on why it’s absolutely not okay under any circumstances to let her skip naps.
This morning, I made 13 swear on a Bible to not let Baby leave the house this weekend in a diaper and t-shirt and ratty, tangled hair (tangled from all the ice cream that will surely have dried in it!). Because if my older girls don’t intervene, that will be the look she ends up with and if one of Bellevue’s middle class monarchy sees her like that, my name is mud around these parts (Ha ha! You Nashvillians scoff. As if it isn’t already!).
PLEASE send good thoughts to our house this weekend, readers. Send thoughts like, Put those dishes in the dishwasher, girls and I wouldn’t put that McDonald’s soda on the new coffee table if I were you, and I really think it’s not a good idea to wear those muddy boots in the house and No, Baby really doesn’t need ANY MORE ICE CREAM.
I promise to come back soon with lots of good stories and I’ll put something up before I leave so that you’ll have something fun to read tomorrow, too. *Au revoir, mes amis! Au revoir!
*Can’t really explain why I wrote that last bit in French. Nerves, I guess.
>Have fun Lindsay! You are sooo funny, I just love reading your stuff. Man, I’m your groupie now.
>Wow, just remember hubs might not want to read that long a list while taking care of baby…She might just have to be happy even getting the banana!Have fun this weekend!
>i know someone who didn’t feed his four children unless they asked while he was in charge. the first time he watched all of them all weekend when the mom came back she found the house in a shambles. the husband said “i don’t see what’s so hard about this! just let them play video games while i watch tv! and don’t feed them unless they ask!” he got in trouble.those details are true about the banana thing, but you kinda have to let them sink or swim. it almost might be better to let him do it his way and start to get a feel for the way you had to learn things. but i know exactly how you feel.by the way i just got back from a weekend away and the kids were all still alive and the house hadn’t been ruined permanently. have fun!
>My husband thinks that ice cream counts as dairy, making it ok for breakfast.
>What Wife and I discovered, after many conflicts, that she needed to let me do things. I didn’t change the baby because I didn’t know where the clothes were, and it was easier for her to do it than explain. Same for general care- she prepped and served the meals because she knew how. When she got in the car and drove away, I was finally left to do it on my own.Happy to say that no one died, and while I may have missed a nap once or twice and screwed up a sleep cycle, as you well know that’s a mistake you make only once. Let him at it- he’s a smart guy. He bagged you, didn’t he?
>”A dingo’s got my baby…”Burst out laughing! Yippee! Love that!
>Ha! This is why my mom is flying in tomorrow!! I’m going on my annual girls’ weekend and instead of leaving my kids with my husband, I thought it would be a good idea to have reinforcements come in! LOL She flies in at 7:40 in the morning and I leave around 9am. Now I can relax and enjoy my weekend. Enjoy yours!!
>Heh Heh. Good luck. You know, when you come back she’s going to be tattooed and pierced, cussing and smoking. Riding her Harley to the bar to catch the Titans game and throwing back shots of whiskey.
>Growing up I remember my father only fed us one of two things:hot dogs delivered pizzaNo matter how much my mother tried to prepare we knew we could count on that.And we LOVED it.
>I made a list like that for DD when I was gone… and she was 7 at the time.I also made sure the house was only stocked with healthy food…no ice cream or candy at all. Then if she asks, DH could say we didn’t have it…now if she talks him into going to the store to get some…that’s their issue…not mine.Have a great trip!
>that had me in fits.That banana issue is what goes on in our house too. And hubby doesn’t get the details right half the time and I end up glaring at him thinking “how do you not know this stuff?!?” lol
>Man! What I wouldn’t give for a detailed instruction manual like that for my kids!
>Have fun – whereever you’re going! Just try not to call home every 15 minutes to see if the house is still standing. Every 1/2 hour – OK, but not every 15 minutes.
>I’m so glad I’m not the only one who writes neurotic childcare instructions. Sadly enough, I type mine and have them saved for quick editing and re-printing. Luckily it’s my MIL that usually watches my son and she says she’s thankful for my notes because it’s been so long since her boys were this young. I’m sure she’s just humoring me. Hope you have a great time!
>OMG you are hysterical! No matter how much info we give ’em though they still do their own thing in their own way. And, things usually work out. If only we could be so unanalretentive. Have fun!
>Okay, I’m sending Happy Thoughts!P.S. I leave instructions like this for Callie. (She’s my dog).
>You know, I always speak French when I’m stressed out. It’s the weirdest thing.Have a great weekend!!!
>Well, here’s the thing. I think they will make it through the weekend just fine. If Baby burns the house down then I will totally take this comment back. AND, like somebody else said if he made a mistake with the banana I’ll bet it would only happen once!And like somebody else said, when I was growing up if my Dad was in charge we knew we were gonna get pure junk to eat and that was half the fun. We would WAIT for my health nut Mom to leave so we could eat all the goodies. It was great!Just remember it’s only for a weekend and Baby won’t be done any lasting damage in that amount of time, I am quite certain of it.So, I hope you have a GREAT and relaxing weekend. Can’t wait to hear all about it.
>What is it about a banana anyway ?It’s the only food that causes dramas when not ‘served or disposed of correctly’. FFS, it’s a banana – eat it, or I will !! ;))I’m sure all will survive ok. I get more concerned about my husband’s penchant for a nap in the middle of caring for a 2.5yr old ?! Hello ??!?!??! NO !Have fun ! 🙂
>I would have left him to his own devices, no notes, no tips, no instructions. And then see how much he appreciates you when you return!
>I leave the same instructions for my husband too.It’s a mom thing!!!! Hope you had a great weekend.
>I used to leave frighteningly similar lists whenever I left my husband with our kids. Don’t sweat it. 🙂
>How’d it go? Hope you had a great getaway!! I’ll bet Baby survived just fine!
>What the hell is a women’s retreat? And by the time your guy’s finished reading all that, Baby will have stolen the ice cream, stripped naked, and run to the end of the block leaving a gooey strawberry ice cream trail.