>The Best Thing About Vacation is That There is No Housework
>If watching me is any indication, Baby is gonna be one fucked-up housekeeper.
Don’t get me wrong, I love a clean house. But I have almost no tolerance for the filth that must be removed in order to have that clean house.
Don’t believe me? Join me, why don’t you, for the quarterly Cleaning Out of the Refrigerator.
We’ll begin at the bottom. I remove the meat and produce drawers, only to be met with a layer of gelatinous goo underneath. Closer inspection leads me to believe it’s a mixture of old blood from raw meat and the mysterious liquid that collects in a plastic bag containing months-old vegetables. I react accordingly.
“AAACCKK!”
I try scraping it off with an old dish rag.
“Oh, this is disgusting! I can’t do it! I can’t do it! I can’t- Hwaack!” I gag a little as Baby stands a few feet away, watching with interest.
After much choking and gasping, I manage to rid my fridge of the fetid goo. Surely, the rest will be a piece of cake. I begin removing various containers from the top shelves. Way back in the back, I pull out a carton of whipping cream. A carton of whipping cream that was somehow left open.
In December of last year.
Of course, I don’t realize this until after I’ve looked inside.
“AIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!”
Yes. I screamed. With the very same sort of panic and disgust that defined the scream I emitted back in high school after walking in on my dad as he was getting out of the shower.
“AIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!”
Folks, I don’t wish either of these traumas on anyone.
The sad thing is that my fridge-cleaning histrionics are tame compared to, say, Toilet Scrubbing Day or Pull-the-Hair-That-Resembles-a-Smelly-Dead-Animal-Out-of-the-Shower-Drain Day. I’m liable to make horrible faces, screech like a banshee, curse under my breath, and do several variations of the shuddering dance of grossed-outness. And Baby is a puzzled witness to all of it.
Are these the moments she’s going to recall under hypnosis some day as she works with a therapist in order to determine the roots of her Soft Scrub phobia?
Or will she simply follow suit and work her own moves into my ooh-this-is-too-nasty-for-words clean routine, as her roomates and, later, her husband look on in shock?
I suppose this explains why, no matter how poor we were, my own mother always hired house cleaners. She didn’t want to risk screwing me up. Such a brave and resourceful woman, always willing to make sacrifices when my happiness was on the line.
All I have to do now is convince my husband of the rationality of this solution. Surely he’ll understand why it’s imperative that we sign up for maid service immediately. Our daughter’s mental health is at stake.
Can I get an amen?
>After having to kill multiple (MULTIPLE!) spiders while cleaning my kitchen today, I will wholeheartedly offer an AMEN!
>Oh, hell yes, AMEN! (Uh, I guess that was contradictory, wasn’t it? hehehe) And, let me know if you convince your hubs to bit the bullet on the maid. I need to make that case in my house, again…sigh…
>AAAAAAAAMMMMMMEEEEEEENNNNNNN! I couldn’t agree with you more if there were two of me. I am contemplating starting the house afire and just starting over. It almost seems like it would be easier somehow. *sigh*
>amen. and ewww.
>Amen. I hate house cleaning. It sucks. I’m gagging right along with you. The lump is rising in my throat. AAAACCK!
>Amen!I have a cleaning service come twice a month, but no one saves me from the hell that is the cleaning out of the fridge.However, not having to clean the toilets ROCKS.
>LOL!this summer has been devoted to the one goal of “housekeeping 101” for the pretween dram queens – it has been touch-n-go, all the while promising them they will appreciate this later in life. . . and enjoying the free labor 😉
>Those plastic bags of goo that was once a vegetable? Yeah, wish we didn’t see those so often. Hmm, I’d better go check the fridge now.
>Amen. Amen. Amen.I’ve got someone. She cleans the toilet, but not the fridge. That’s still my department.
>Let him know that housekeepers are much cheaper than divorce attorneys. heh
>I just like your conviction that Baby’s going to be doing housework when she’s a college student. It’s sweet that you believe that 😉
>Amen!!!!!! And you have one more reason behind that cleaning service…..
>OMG! Funny you should write about this. Mr. Bug found out I was looking for a cleaning lady and went ballistic. He’s normally sane, but he went nutso! No cleaning ladies! Hah, I thought, hah. Just you wait. I’ll get my cleaning lady. 🙂
>I just don’t understand. WHERE DOES THE DIRT COME FROM? While I am being overpaid to live in Italy, I think I might just get myself a housekeeper.
>Amen ! You are preaching to the choir. I never wanted a cleaning person til recently. I think I’m just all housecleaned out.
>All I can do is nod my head in agreement with you. Gag.
>Amen, sister!During the last 3 months of each pregnancy and for the first six months after the baby was born, we hired a cleaning service. I loved it, although when you find yourself cleaning the house in preparation for the cleaners arrival…something is wrong. But they can’t mop the floors if they can’t see the floors!
>Oh yeah… AMEN sister!Quarterly fridge purge?! I am impressed!It’s the pre-cleaning / clutter removal/organization that gets me. And who wants to scrub a toilet anyway? GAG.
>Oh yes. My housekeeper saved my marriage. But why are men so reluctant to get one? I had to cajole, stomp, threaten to get my husband to allow someone to come in. WTF?
>A-freaking-men.Did you know that when grape juice (Welch’s, mind you) spills and is left there, it leaves a blue stain that no bleach or cleaner will ever get out.Found that out the hard way. It’s not making me clean the fridge more often, it’s made me stop buying grape juice.
>my husband is in charge of drain de-clogging, including pulling the hair out of the shower drain…yet another reason why I love that wonderful man 🙂
>Now that you are pregnant you shouldn’t be cleaning. So maybe your husband will pay for cleaning service.I always told my husband I shouldn’t be breathing in all these chemicals he believed me. So he did the bathrooms and cleaning out the fridge. Well it’s sort of true,right?Oh!!!!! AMEN
>I’m lucky enough not only to have married a chef, but he likes to clean. LIKES it. Weird, I know. I don’t know how our compatibility managed to fall into place. I’m interested to see which side of the spectrum our child will follow. Though I have fallen victim to the fridge before. And some of those incredible concoctions he makes when he’s experimenting with the chefing in the kitchen? They don’t last so well in the fridge, so I second your EW!Oh, and AMEN!
>I told my husband the house won’t be clean until all the children are in first grade. ….and the day they go into first grade, I’ll hire a cleaning service… I always thought it would make a lovely gift, a cleaning service for me.
>I’m thinking about hiring someone because my sister in law is coming and I know she will send a full cleanliness report back to my mother in law. Maybe I can hire someone to come over and cook dinner too. I really want someone to come on a regular basis to change the sheets and mop the floors and clean my bathroom. That would be awesome.
>amen to that! i’m not usually disgusted by things i find cleaning, i’m just super lazy and hate to clean. but that still warrants a maid service in my book.
>I have a cleaning service, they are in and out in an hour and a half… saved my life, I swear. Now I make all my party plans around bi-weekly cleaning! I invite friends over every-other Friday because the house is spotless! I love it.
>Amen, sistah. Help me figure out how to get that maid service deal without having the kids to use as an excuse!!!
>I’ll give you an AMEN! I have someone who comes every other week for the basics. I’m afraid I still have to do the frig myself.I do know that shriek though. I heard it coming from my mouth when my husband stepped on a spider for me and all her millions of babies inside her came running out! AIHEEEEEEEEE!!!
>My wife (I should say we, but I’m really part of the problem, not the solution) needs a cleaning lady, but we want one with good recommendations. After reading Nickled and Dimed, I’m a little leary of franchise services.My refrigerator is is in the middle of the kitchen right now because the ice maker line burst somewhere I can’t get to and the repairman can’t come until Friday. I did clean the bottom of the inside and vacuum up all the dog hair on the coils while diagnosing the problem.
>My husband was responsible for our bathtub during the last pregnancy? And now it is permanently stained. I’m serious. I’ve tried everything and NOTHING will get the stains out of the acrylic. So, I’m afraid he’s a loss as far as helping is concerned, although he makes an admirable effort to put things away.
>Right now I’m thanking God that Hubby cleaned the fridge last night!!
>You have a perfect excuse now- pregnant women shouldn’t inhale cleaning solutions!He has to pay for cleaners!
>Um, amen — but are you sure that you weren’t at MY house instead of yours?
>You certainly have an AMEN from me. I am as we speak trying to avoid delving into the hellhole that is my master bathroom. It hasn’t been cleaned or polished in a month. I keep wondering if there is a maid who just does bathrooms. It probably isn’t worth someone’s time to come clean for just an hour, but it sure would be a luxury!
>See, you’d already commented on that, and I missed it. I’m an idiot 🙂
>Tile your walls, ceilings and floors. That way you can move all the furnature out and just hose the whole thing down with a pressure washer.
>AMEN!Now I’m off to finish cleaning the spidery,ant ridden basement storage room!
>My problem is that I don’t like to clean up other peoples messes! Luckily, hubby really does alot of the basic cleaning when he is home. However, we all know that other peoples idea of clean is not the same as our idea of clean. During the summer (when I am off) I dole out all the hosehold chores to the kids (12,14,17,19) but the fridge cleaning is my job. If I don’t throw it out, it might get eaten. I purge the fridge of “leftovers” weekly to make room for more leftovers!
>hi
>Amen! I need a housekeeper too! Your fridge sounds like mine and that is scary.
>Oh Amen my sister! I have an oozing watermellon at the bottom of my fruit drawer that scares me. I know it’s there, it’s been there for about a week…still not gonna get it out!And after all those great comments isn’t it lovely to know we are not alone? Maids for all my men!
>The gross stuff doesn’t really bother me as much as the mundane stuff. Like the never ending laundry pile or the floor that doesn’t stay swept, etc, etc.
>I don’t bother to clean ours. I just wait until the food inside grows legs and walks out on its own.
>AMEN!!I always freak at the gelatinous goo and immediately quit cleaning. Perhaps that will keep people from opening the fridge!!
>I will say Amen or anything to get you any man or woman who will help you clean.
>I will give an AMEN and add a Testify to that!!I don’t understand how when food stays in the fridge such little time that it can leave such a mess! It is a crime against nature or at the very least a conspiracy from the clorox company and the fridge company…..
>Oh hell to the yeah. A maid would be fantastical.
>I hate to tell you after the fact, but it’s easier to clean the goo in the fridge w/good ol’ dependable DOW Bathroom Scrubbing Bubble stuff. I should own stock in that company…I use it to clean EVERYTHING!AND, the white foam hides all the YUCK from your view while you clean.I am the Mommy w/the yellow gloves & gas mask when I clean.
>AAAMMMEEENNNN! I’m so with you! Especially on that dead-animal-resembling-gloop-of-hair-mass that comes out of the drain. *gag*shudder*gag*