>The party’s over.
>Despite the running theme I have going in this post and the last one, I swear I’m not getting paranoid.
But I really think that toy manufacturers are out to get us.
For my daughter’s second birthday, I bought her a bathtime Dora doll. Baby is Dora-obsessed, so the moment she ripped off the wrapping paper, she wanted that Dora doll. She wanted it immediately. Yesterday. Pronto. I tried my best to oblige.
But.
Not only was the box sealed shut, it was taped down on every side. Bastards, I thought, prying up each piece of tape with my fingernails. There went the manicure. Er, there would have gone the manicure if I had the time and/or the money to get one.
“Mommy, I want Dura! I want Dura!” Baby cried.
“Just a minute Baby, she’s almost out!” I said through gritted teeth.
Finally, the box was open. I pulled out the cardboard insert to which Dora was tied. Oh those twisty ties. How I hate them. There was one looped around her neck, one around each wrist and one on each ankle. Quickly, I untwisted each of them a little bit and tried to pull her out. No deal. Little plastic inserts had been added to the twisty ties to prevent the doll being pulled away until the tie had been completely untwisted. Motherfuckers! I thought to myself.
“Mommy! Mommy! Dura!” Baby yelped.
“Almost done!” I grinned at her with all the sincerity of a sorority girl in a trailer park.
I fully untwisted each of the ties, only to discover that some fucking, mother fucking fucker had taped each tie to the back of the cardboard. Moronic, scum eating assholes! I might have said this aloud. Quickly, I looked up at Baby.
“Dura?” she said uncertainly.
I turned the cardboard over and waved one of Dora’s arms, still tethered down. “Let me out!” I squealed. “I wanna play with Baby!” Baby giggled. “Okay, Dora, I’m working on it!” I said, pulling off the last of the tape.
“Here you go, Baby,” I said triumphantly, pulling Dora from the… Wait a second. Some sadistic, suckass shithead had taped those twisty ties to the front of the freaking cardboard, too. “What the hell kind of a person…?” I said softly, before stopping myself. Resignedly, I went to work on the second round of tape, before finally, finally releasing Dora into Baby’s waiting arms.
I’m getting mad again today, just writing about it. Who is responsible for this kind of packaging? Why would he (Oh yes, only a ‘he’ would create such a hostile packaging environment for hapless, overworked moms and dads to fumble through) create something so appallingly difficult? So mind-jarringly frustrating? So… so fucked up?
I think now of the good old days, when toys came loosely packaged in a cardboard box featuring a picture of the toy on the front. No twisty ties or tape was necessary. You simply opened the box and got to playing.
Not any more. Now you need a college degree from a tech school to open a fucking toy for your two-year-old. And that just ain’t right.
>Those twisty ties are HATEFUL. And then to have to pull them OUT from either side when they hook a toy in – ridiculous… College degree? I think you need to be very drunk to get one open.
>So true, so very true!
>HA! Yes, I totally agree!Actually, we have bathtime Dora too. And, dress-me-up Dora. I bought mine a soccer outfit for the latter. They had STITCHED THE CLOTHING to the cardboard box AND used ties. It was freaking ridiculous!
>Yeah.. those twisties, and the plastic clampy things, and the tape. It’s friggin nuts. Are they worried Dora might get a boo-boo if she’s left to wander aimlessly in the box? Sheesh. Happy birthday to your Baby!!
>Those idiots who pack toys are sadistic creatures… They are the same ones who package dvds and cds…LBC
>Just further proof that toy manufacturers hate parents. Or are heavily into bondage. One of the two.
>HOLY CRAP, that cracked me up!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I could have written that. I have never cursed like I cursed last Christmas while trying to free the Rescue Heroes from the throes of twisty tie hell. It is truly obscene…FREE THE TOYS!
>Wait until she gets old enough for Barbies. The devil himself packages those blasted things!
>On a recent trip to SuperTarget, I acquired a new set of VERY VERY SHARP kitchen knives and some completely harmless Star Wars action figures. The knives slipped right out of the packaging; the Han Solo figure had to be hacked out of those fucking plastic ties. With the new knives.And that’s how my three-year-old learned the contextually appropriate use of GODDAMMIT.
>I hate the packaging too. I have been, for the past 7 years or so, taking out all the twisties, tape, stitching to the packaging before wrapping the gifts for the kids. It makes gift opening so much more fun! I know that’s nerdy, but I really hate having to mess with those with a kid watching who wishes only that I’d hurry my show self up & give them the toy.
>I like titanium’s idea…it’s ironic, too, that they spend all this damn time packaging it so that it takes forever to get the damn toy out, then you’ve got to make sure you scan the floor for any missed twist ties, screws, that pose a choking hazard! Oh, the toys that come with sticker sheets for “decorating” (like the My Little Pony Plastic Castle from Hell) are fun, too. 😉
>You make an excellent point. Pill bottles are easier to open than baby doll packaging. It just doesn’t add up.
>Wait until you get to unbox the Barbies with the hair sewn (yes, SEWN!!) to the pieces of plastic.
>*clap clap*You need to take a bow for putting hundreds of people’s thoughts into words!!Thank you
>And just where did you purchase this “Bathtime Dora” again? Is it possible you accidently bought the “Bathtime & Bondage” model? There’s a whole market out there you know. I’m just saying…
>I especially enjoyed the conjugation of the word fuck in:”some fucking, mother fucking fucker”Bravo! Bravo!!!!
>This best part is when after all that, you go to put the batteries in and you need a f’in screwdriver. Who takes a screwdriver to a birthday party?AAGGHH!
>Oooh, twisty ties. Nothing like attaching a Choking Hazard to a kids toy.
>Wait until you’re opening electronics for teens! You need surgical instruments for the job and band-aids near by for when you slip!
>Trying to get Dora out of the package for my neice was a medical hazard for me. Because I’m cool (read impatient redneck) I got the biggest, sharpest knife to cut the damn doll out of the box. Who has time for twist ties? Well, 8 stitches later, after I massacred my finger and just about amputated a digit, I learned it is best to untwist the fucking twisties or have someone else try to use the knife. We should sue the shits who thought of this packaging.
>I’ve come to the conclusion that US manufacturers have gone ape shizz over the massive amounts of cheap labor in China that they add things to the product just so they can say, “I got 5,000 Bathtub Dora’s hog tied for $13.26!”Bastards. Or shall I say “Zretrds!” which is also my word verification.
>Ugh. I hate excessive packaging — all that crap going into landfills for no good reason, not to mention the trouble it takes to remove it from the toy in the first place. For Christmas toys, I take toys out of the boxes and throw away all the packaging before setting the toys under the tree. That way the kiddo gets to play with his stuff right away. Of course, he also gets toys from the family later in the day, so sometimes I end up untangling twist-ties…although often I assign that task to the person who brought the gift. ;^)
>ROFL! Holy shit, I could’ve wrote this Xmas day. My fingers were sooooo fricken sore from those damn things. And tape. And string. I love how Barbie’s head is not only tied and twist tied, but there’s a nice piece of clear plastic holding her hair/head down. Pull it off the box, and this plastic piece is still stuck in her hair.
>OH GIRL, thank you, and thank you for making it Dora, the psycho crack doll toy that all girls must have. No, you cannot extract them from the box, and the ratio of child-desire is exponenitally magnified by the inability to GET the toy out of the plastic straight jacket. And yes you do need a straight jacket once the scissor jabbing knife wielding job is done.
>I like the idea of opening the toys ahead of time… I always mean to do that, but it’s last on my list and never quite gets done before the big day. I’m glad I’m not the only one having trouble with the damn packaging…Zretrds, Yonz. That’s great. I’ve been dealing with a few Zretrds myself lately. 😉
>You are not alone in your thinking here Lucinda. Check out:www.consumerreports.org and look under personal finance and then search “packaging” (I couldn’t link it and went to all this trouble and everything, PLEASE!)
>I am so 100% with you on this!!! Christmas is a nightmare with toddlers! Okay, first, and this is one of my own pet peeves – WHY CAN’T THE BOXES HAVE RIGHT ANGLES??? I absolutely HATE having to wrap four or five trucks or cars (we have a boy) when not a SINGLE, SOLITARY box is rectangular. You have to be a stinkin’ artist or completely anal to be able to wrap them neatly. This drives me bonkers every holiday season!Then the stupid, messed up twisties and tape. Why can’t SOMEONE in the company actually buy/wrap/and watch a child try to get to the stupid thing!!!!!!!
>Ellen Degeneras does an act which talks about the packaging of DVDs and CDs. Why? Just Why?Maybe if you are paying low wages in China it makes sense to hire five engineers to package these things.
>After breaking all the nails on my right hand and having my 3 year old say, “Dammit Mommy, gimme Doooooora!” when receiving the same exact toy for her birthday, my husband and I vowed that we will remove all packaging from gifts before wrapping them. We also put her in time-out, but we sympathized with her.
>Oh Lucinda. Can I direct you and the other commenters here to this group’s cd: http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/hrt Go and listen to song #12 (“Rescue Me”). You can do it right on that website. It was written for you.
>Just because you’re paraniod doesn’t mean no one’s after you. That’s what I’ve always heard anyway…:)And Happy Birthday, Baby!!!!
>Beverlee- great reference. This one was my favorite:http://www.consumerreports.org/cro/personal-finance/hardtoopen-packages-306/the-winners/the-hardplastic-clamshell.htmHilarious!Susan, I keep thinking about your story and laughing.T. Wow. Just. Wow. Mom Nancy- Don’t even get me started on the odd-shaped boxes. That is another post altogether!Raehan- Another good point. DVDs and CDs… WHY do they need to tape both sides of the CD together when the whole thing’s already covered in plastic?!Sandy- Going to listen to the song now. Thanks!I don’t remember Barbie being that hard to open, guys. Times must’ve changed. Guess I’ll find out soon enough. I’ve got a girlie girl.
>two words: wire cutters. Cuts through all the B.S. without the headaches. Just wait…they get worse…got to your blog from Laurie (beauty and the beer) and I’ll be a regular, I think!