Why?
“Duuuuuuuuude. Whassup?”
Across the conveyor belt filled with whole milk and Cocoa Puffs, the dreadlocked cashier stood up from where he had been crouched beside the cash register. Damn! It was Max.
“Dude, I dropped my keys,” he whispered, leaning forward and pointing at his Big Gulp Mountain Dew, which he then stashed beneath the register. “I just dropped my keys and had to find them,” he said loudly, looking around at the other cashiers.
I frowned. Maybe if I seemed stern, I could avoid the scene he created every single time I had the misfortune of ending up in his lane. “I care,” I said and began sorting through coupons.
“Duuuuuuuuude!” He laughed and scanned a bag of frozen vegetables. Apparently, my lack of interest had only egged him on. I made a mental note for next time.
“Sooooo, tell me about yer day, dude,” he said. “Like, what did you do this morning?”
“Absolutely nothing you’d be interested in knowing about.”
“Oh yah right! Come on, tell me one thing you did!”
“No.”
“Well, tell me one thing that’s like, happening to you that you’re looking forward to.” I looked down and saw that the conveyor belt had stopped as he waited for an answer.
“Okay. God. I have a friend coming in town.”
“RIGHTEOUS!” The cashiers on either side turned around. “Friends ROCK, dude! I’m visiting a friend in Minnesota soon. He lives, like, five minutes from Mall of America.”
“Hmm.” I pictured him perusing the racks at Hot Topic. Fun.
“Yeah, I’m like stoked, you know? We’re gonna hang out in the parking lot and just crash around with like, shopping carts and light sabers. Cuz that’s what we do.”
“Yep, I’ve done my share of that, too,” I said. “Light sabers.”
“Sah WEET!” he sang. “But dude. You know what I’ve got to look forward to this afternoon?”
“A new bag of weed?” I mumbled to myself.
“A Pah-ROJECT!”
I jumped.
“I’m all, ‘Whee, a project!’ I get to do a PROJECTTTT!” He was out of control, doing a jig behind the register as everyone turned to stare. I watched him, agape, then realized it was time to take matters into my own hands.
“Would you just scan my fucking groceries!” I whispered furiously.
“DUDE!” he laughed uproariously. “I’m all over it!”
He scanned a few more items, prattled on about the weather in Minnesota, the new skateboard shop in town, the paycheck he would be getting at the end of the day and then, “You know what I’m thinking about right now?” A pregnant woman sighed in line behind me. I turned around and she gave me an angry look. What. Did she think I was in on this?!
I turned back to Max. “I. Don’t. Care.” I said through clenched teeth.
“Yah right. Bonnaroo! It’s gonna be like, the best music festival EVAH! Cuz like, Radiohead will be there n’ other bands too. Yer goin’, right?”
It was a great lineup, if you could get past the sweaty, muddy hordes of dancing… Maxes. “Hell no,” I said quickly.
“Yer not goin’?! Seriously? You. Are not goin’?” He handed me the receipt.
“Not this year. See ya, Max,” I said, signing the receipt and handing it back to him.
“Can I get a sah-WEEEET?!” he shouted as I put the last bag in the cart.
“No. You cannot.”
“DUUUUUUUDE!” he laughed, then turned to the next woman in line. “Hello ma’am. Did you find everything okay?” he said quietly, then began quickly scanning her groceries.
What. The. Fuck.
>i guess he only talks up the hot, beautiful breasted shoppers.
>Then why is he talking to me?
>Maybe he was thinking Aerosmith was going to be at Bonaroo, and the song “Dude Looks Like A Lady” was stuck in his head?Just a thought…
>Radiohead?? Really?? I’d deal w/ the Max’s.Maybe, somehow, he senses a kindred spirit in you. :)(That, or he just thinks you’re hot, and he’s trying to “work it”.)
>The best part of Max saying he’s gonna visit his friend in Michigan so they can hang out at the Mall of America?The Mall of America is in Minnesota.
>You and I are kindred grocery shopping souls… except my messed up cashier is a woman with tons of facial hair. She speeds through everyone else’s groceries and then takes hours with mine… I feel compelled to look everywhere other than her face because I would gawk.
>OMG, good point, Charred.HAhahahah!
>Charred, that’s hilarious. Because I SWEAR he said Michigan. He went on and on about it! Dude!
>Goodness, must have been a nightmare to even STAY in that line. I would have piacked up my groceries back into the cart and moved to the next aisle! I must say, that was a funny story, but I bet it wasn’t funny when it was happening at that moment 😛
>dUd33333333
>Dude. I am SO DISAPPOINTED in you! I thought you were different, Lucinda. Not like all those other housewivery types. I thought you of all people could make witty banter with crazy stoner cashiers at the local grocery store. But look at yourself. I mean, really. What happened to that Lucinda that (I assumed) could play along? You’re telling me she was never there in the first place? I don’t believe it. My GOD. WHAT ARE THOSE SUBURBS DOING TO YOU?!?My world is in turmoil. Alas, I weep.(By the way, I totally live for that shit. Love the stoner cashiers, love them. Like the dude that gave me a ten minute lecture on fish oil and how I needed to take it for my developing baby’s brain? Gold. I mean, where the hell else am I going to get crazies to pepper my imaginary novel with? Also, I have no life. Perhaps that’s it.)
>I think it’s the bizarre questions that get me. Nothing he says makes sense and it throws me for a loop every time. Trust me. I love nothing more than a smart weirdo. But a dumb weirdo? Lord help me.
>This sounds like the time for the u-scan line 🙂
>Well I say lucky you that you get to the actual cashier. Stoned surfer dooode or furry faced woman, it matters not. I on the other hand, am the glaring, pregnant woman creating a beat box of sighs behind you. For some reason unbeknownst to me I get stuck behind some ancient dame with whisperthin bleached hair who is haggling, yes haggling at Kmart over clearance baby clothes. She argues with the poor defenseless, freckle-faced cashier that the Wonder Kids $3 infant sleeper should only be $2.25 because one of the slippered-feet is sewn on backwards. I’ve had icecream melt & leak out of the cardboard tub onto the conveyor belt, waiting for people in front of me.Oh, and I in no way think of you as a ancient dame with whisperthin bleached hair.
>Lucinda, I think this was before you started reading my blog, so here:http://tinyurl.com/pz7jbThe crazies like me, too. I’ve avoided that store, since.
>Holy shit. Dude has moved from Oregon to Tennessee. Oh well. At least “Bargain Groceries” is safe again.RA, whisperthin bleached hair is a great description. I can totally picture it!
>LMAOI love your stoned grocery clerk. You should embrace it and make fun of him, screw with his befuddles brain. Oh and who cares about the people behind you, it’s not your fault he’s an idiot. TOO FUNNY! ~sigh~Duuuuuuuuddeeeeee!
>LMFAO.Interacting with him sounds FUN!
>What a riot. Do you think this is how he really is, or does he just play it up to get your goat?
>*in a sing-song voice:* “Someone’s got a crush on you!””Wheeee! A Project!”That is hilarious. I think every store has at least one of those jig dancers.
>Are you sure you had your teenager translator plugged in and calibrated correctly? I think he’s hot for you!
>I get this ALL THE TIME. I used to wonder….and then I finally quit. I think it’s my nose ring….it makes every freak in the world feel like we are kindred spirits. Good grief.
>Like Dude..yer his fav ya know? Sah-WEET!You poor thing. Hope your next grocery shopping experience is less…ummm…chatty ;0)
>Oh, he’s got it baaaaa-aaaad fer you. You? So totally hot.You’ve got two choices. Scan the checkouts for him before you get in line, even if it means getting in the really long line. Or go with it and mess with his mind. Play along – it’ll make the time go faster and it beats getting frustrated and having your blood pressure shoot up.
>Hey, maybe Max is just trying to be as bloggable as Hubs? 🙂
>Oh, I avoided his line yesterday- and then he swapped with the cashier.My 15-year-old remembers him from school a few years ago and says he’s a total druggie. Duh… She was totally dismayed by the story.
>He saw your tatoo. I have one, too, apparently. It’s on our foreheads and it’s not visible to normal, sober people. It says, in HUGE letters: “Dude, I’m All About Hearing Every Little Bit Of Mundane Shit You Got Goin’ On In Yer Life, Dude!”
>Someone should tell “Dude” that he talks like “Crush” the turtle from Finding Nemo! HA!Hope you have Dude-free shopping in your future. That would drive me nuts!
>Not only is the Mall of America in Minnesota, there is absolutely NO damned POINT in Michigan “like, five minutes” away.But, just to fuck with him, make him get you something from P. B. Max.
>And now I’m the moron. That would be P.B. LOCO.Shit, I’m going to bed.
>lol … What fun! Seriously I love to mess with people like this. Much to my daughter’s dismay. Which of course, makes it even MORE fun.What is equally as frightning is “happy you’re here” clerk. I worked along side her for a year and a half. I would have people wait an extra five to ten minutes NOT to go through her line…
>Heehee. I’m totally flashing back to my own checkout line horror story. It involved a very friendly, very creepy gray haired man behind the counter, a box of tampons and some Midol. Did I mention he was half deaf? He yelled across the store “So it’s that time again,eh, missy?” He followed this up by holding up the box and shouting”Do you think one of these will be enough?” And then he wants to talk. Bastard. Your stoner sounds a lot more fun.You should fuck with his mind and play along next time. Just for shits and giggles. Come see me, I’m new to the land of Blogdom!
>Dude sounds like he thinks your like totally narly.Does he think your a hot 19 year old possibly ? lol
>That is fucking hilarious. That might be the funniest thing I have read in days.
>I have to say…I would prefer a talkative cashier to some of the surly types I’ve encountered. Nothing saps my energy like a checker who acts like she can’t stand to be there, and doesn’t even respond when I say hello.
>Some days a chatty cashier is just the ticket to pick up your spirits after the dreaded grocery shopping experience. But most times, I just want to get outta there. I really didn’t want to go there in the first place! He definitely senses some connection there!
>Send him to me! He sounds like he’d be a riot. I’d love a chance to get back at the (mostly elderly) people who take 15 minutes to pay for their 5 items. 🙂
>He’s trying to get in good with you because he read your hoo-ha posts, didn’t he?
>He sounds like a refreshing break from the cashiers at the Brooklyn Heights Gristedes, who are more like, “huh? You say sumpin’ to me? Like I have time for this shit. Sheeeeeee-it.” Um…I just said good morning.
>Oh, you coulda had such a wonderful time with him! You should have seriously messed with him, caught him off guard somehow. Next time. Okay?
>OMG lmao that’s hysterical! Next time you should totally talk like that, it would be funny!
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