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December 12, 2013 posted by Lindsay Ferrier

Christmas, Restoration Hardware-Style

Christmas, Restoration Hardware-Style

Because a Christmas without Restoration Hardware is no Christmas at all.

 

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“Grand Pa Pa used to tell us he’d accidentally shot Rudolph,” Annelise told her children as she reverently placed the Christmas antlers on the front table. She turned to them, smiling through tears of nostalgia, and was pleased to see that the children were crying as well.

 

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It took weeks of planning, but in the end, famed interior stylist Ash Wednesday managed to brilliantly decorate his client’s home for Christmas despite her allergies to pine needles, dust, fiber, and color.

 

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“I found a pack of matches in the kitchen,” Marni told her cousins mischievously. “Do you think we put enough wood in the fireplace for a real fire?”

“There’s only one way to find out!” Reagan replied with an eager grin.

 

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“Oh how… clever,” Cosima said, thinking quickly after an arriving guest handed her a bottle of wine in a Luxe Faux Fur Wine Bag. “I’ve always wished my wine were a little warmer.”

 

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The first Christmas they were married, Hugo Marriott surprised his wife with canary diamond earrings, a first edition of Anna Karenina,  and a baby he scored off Craigslist for $10,000.

 

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After their first three dinner party guests slipped and fell on their way up the steps, Scoop Biedermeier quickly removed the snow and candles his wife had claimed would create ‘ambience.’

 

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In a Gift of the Magi-like moment, Cubby sold his antique pocket watch to buy his wife, Caroline, a comb for her hair– and Caroline sold Cubby’s prized Pamela Anderson memorabilia collection to buy him a Vintage Arcade Skee-Ball game.

 

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While getting ready for the annual Cabot Family Christmas Dinner, Cecily finally settled on the perfect way to address her mother-in-law’s assertion that her children behaved like animals.

 

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Adair Waterford was known for always going the extra mile. In addition to buying all of her friends Plush Foot Duvets for Christmas, she also had matching European shams custom made to fit on each of their toes.

 

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“My Macbook Pro is always ice cold when I open it in the mornings,” Lou Lou complained to her assistant, Grosgrain. “It’s often enough to block my creative energy entirely.” Grosgrain smiled quietly. She suddenly knew exactly what to get her boss for Christmas.

 

Christmas-Restoration-HardwareYoung Neville Tenterhook’s recurring nightmare always ended the same way. At first, the playdate with Theodora was lovely– and then hundreds of plush animal rockers rained down on their little heads.

 

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“Virginia, your Christmas decorating skills are magnificent!” Milan said happily. “Red and green are so overrated!”

 

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“Happy HOLI-DAZE!” Harrington shouted at his sister as he let go of his tower of blocks.

 

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“Cotton marshmallows on a stick, chalk trees, and a campfire made of holiday lights.” Andreas laughed incredulously and shook his head. “I like you, Prescott, I do. But I gotta tell you. When you invited me on a camp out, this was not what I had in mind.”

 

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“A cashmere hot water bottle?” Kyle asked her husband after tearing off the wrapping. “Really, Mauricio? A Cashmere. Hot water. Bottle.”

It was the first time she knew with certainty that the rumors were true.

-Keep up with all my posts by following Suburban Turmoil on Facebook and Twitter!

-And be sure to check out Warped Childhood, Restoration Hardware-Style and Warped Childhood, Restoration Hardware-Style, VOLUME TWO!

Images via Restoration Hardware

Comments

comments

  • Jane

    i agree with everything except the down slippers. They are unbelievable!!!

    • suburbanturmoil

      Then you will LOVE the toe shams! 😉

  • HM

    The names are truly the best. It’s like reading the Kindergarten class list at a private Manhattan prep school.

  • Fad

    snorted tea out of my nose 🙂 Thanks for the laugh. The names are incredibly funny

  • Danielle

    You are hilarious! But, I have to admit that I do wish I had a prized Pamela Anderson memorabilia collection to sell so I could get that vintage arcade skee-ball game. I’m afraid I’m going over to the monochromatic side!

  • HollyStormBurge

    I just died the whole way through this! You should really be a catalog blurb writer. I think you’ve missed your calling!

  • “It was the first time she knew with certainty that the rumors were true.”

    LAID. ME. OUT.

  • Gertie

    Why is it all so grey?

    • suburbanturmoil

      Color is so gauche.

      • Kathy

        You are so damned funny, Lindsay! Has RH ever seen any of these?

    • Jody

      Looks like scenes from “A series of Unfortunate Events”

  • You’re the best. Thank you!

  • nylonliving

    hysterical! I love RH but I seriously love your riffs even more.

  • Nunu Hurt-Doyle

    you’ve done it again! girl, you kill me everytime.

  • Nunu Hurt-Doyle

    hot wine and toe shams.

  • Pure magic.

  • Ellie Hill Reese

    Crying I’m laughing so hard. Thank you for this.

  • Jamie Csizmadia

    SO. GOOD. Thanks for this!

  • Linda G.

    Love,love, love the sense of humor. Cotton marshmallows, hee hee haha :-)Thank you very much for the insight on RH,I’ll never look at it the same way.