Warped Childhood, Restoration Hardware-Style: VOLUME II

Last December, while sifting through a ginormous stack of holiday catalogs in search of appropriate gifts for various family members, I got sucked into the weird, weird world of Restoration Hardware Baby & Child. Don’t get me wrong- I love RH as much as the next person and I seriously covet this industrial steel pipe bunkbed for my son- but the catalog photos? I mean, sorry, RH stylists, but… what were you smoking?

I wrote a post with handy captions for some of my favorite pages from the catalog, and people seemed to like it. But it wasn’t until ten months later that something sort of… crazy happened- and if I could tell you what happened or how it happened, I would be The Pioneer Woman right now. Basically, over the last two months, more than a million people have read my Restoration Hardware post, and that number continues to grow by tens of thousands every single day.

And wow. That’s awesome. But again, I wrote that post a year ago, and so it started to worry me that Restoration Hardware had changed its ways since then. What if this year’s RH Baby & Child rooms were more… realistic? More… stain guarded? More… appropriate for actual children? I felt compelled to check out this year’s Restoration Hardware Baby & Child Fall Source Book, and it’s safe to say that over at RH headquarters, absolutely nothing has changed.  Check out the latest hallucinatory images:

It was rumored that Champ Hargrove had insisted on the nursery’s whale theme as motivation for his wife to lose the 10 pounds she’d gained during pregnancy.

 

The Cavenbottoms proudly informed friends that the playroom’s wigwam was purchased after Eugenia Cavenbottom discovered her 7th great aunt was half-Cherokee. “Once we got over the shock,” she confided, “we decided it was of utmost importance that Cameron and Callista remain in touch with their roots.”

 

“When Nanny was small, she lived in a house with only four rooms!” Caspian told his siblings in a mysterious voice. “Oh that can’t possibly be true,” his brother giggled. “Where did she play?” “In a bedroom… that she shared… with her two sisters,” Caspian replied dramatically. The children shook with laughter. Caspian certainly knew how to tell a tall tale!

 

“I need more light for my sketches!” Matilda Century-Fox imperiously informed her parents. “More light! MORE LIGHT!”

And as all of Holmby Hills knows, whatever Matilda Century-Fox wants, Matilda Century-Fox gets.

 

“Minions!” Pax Dunderworth IV shouted at his Stuffington Hall classmates after being pushed to the ground. “You think your homes are anything special? I’ve got an entire room devoted to planning my world travels!”

No one believed him.

 

No one knew until it was too late that Thurston Winstead’s weekly missives to his ailing grandmother were actually addressed to a felon named Curly Rumpsnort, and contained detailed instructions on how to access his father’s safe.

 

Studs Gewgaw wasn’t Greenwich’s top interior decorator for nothing- When Nan Farkwater told him that her youngest’s fear of flying was threatening the family Christmas trip to Gstaad, he knew exactly how to proceed.

 

Upon learning she was the first Pembroke ever to be denied admission to Northminstershireton Preparatory School for Young Ladies and Gentlemen, five year old Hadley decided to run away from home.

Though she was never found, it must be admitted that her parents didn’t look very hard for her.

 

Encouraged by his devoted parents, Langley Witherspoon was determined to be the world’s first 21st-century explorer to use only 19th-century maps and tools. His stuffed animals weren’t sure this was wise– but they kept their opinions to themselves.

 

Delia Von Crumpet insisted she didn’t treat her stepson any differently from her other children.

But everyone knew poor Jasper slept in the garret.

 

Sinclair had always known mummy had a fragile temperament, but her therapist assured her she couldn’t have known leaving her shoes on the floor would cause the nervous breakdown.

 

Sadly, Dermot Hogsforth was never quite right after the ‘A’ tipped whilst he was drawing on the playroom chalkboard.

 

“Atticus is really quite brilliant, you know,” Mitzi Rothchild-Bousquet told her tablemates at the annual Conservatory Luncheon. “He often works on complicated equations late into the night, and insists on sleeping in his study. His preschool teachers simply don’t know what to do with him!”

Thanks for the good times, Restoration Hardware!

Did you like this post? Check out Christmas, Restoration Hardware-Style!

And for more warped humor, like my Facebook page and follow me on Twitter!