>So far, the new year has brought many a Googler to my door here at Suburban Turmoil. And despite evidence to the contrary, I’m no hardhearted bitch. I feel compelled to give them a little something for their efforts. You guessed it, folks… It’s the January 2006 edition of…. Lucinda’s Advice Column Good Advice for […]

>For days, Professor Owl had been listening to the plans being made for his demise. Mute and forgotten in a corner, his loathing for Lindsay and her foul-mouthed clan grew as he watched her chuckle and rub her hands in glee. “Ooh, Hubs, here’s one. Let’s boil him in oil. Although oil might be dangerous. […]

>It must be snowing in hell. Because I have heard words come from my stepdaughters’ mouths that were not meant to be uttered in my lifetime. “If I could live in any decade, it would have to be the eighties,” my 15-year-old said wistfully while we were riding in the car. “The eighties? I said […]

> When I was young, I had an evil doll. Handmade by a supposed “friend” of my mom’s, he was a cross between Humpty Dumpty and a psychopathic clown. His handstitched smile oozed menace. His misshapen lump of a body made for particularly demented shadows on the walls at night. His arms and legs were […]

I don’t like making stall talk. Let me explain. You and a friend go to a public restroom together. You’re in the middle of a conversation and you enter adjoining stalls. That’s when it gets kind of iffy. Do you take a conversation break out of respect for the business at hand? Or do you […]

>I haven’t been to the gym in oh…. a while. I mean, December was really busy. I was under a lot of pressure, okay? There was cookie baking and party throwing and present buying and gift wrapping and… and… well, let’s just say I felt really pressured by a certain someone to walk my ass […]

>Well, despite all of your thoughtful best wishes, my cork was not popped last night, ladies and gents. After a lovely dinner of Champagne Shrimp and Pasta, my husband went upstairs to “lie down for an hour.” And that was that. I didn’t see him again until 2006. I welcomed the New Year alone on […]

>It’s well documented that when a man and woman have a baby together, sex goes out the window. The blame is usually placed on lack of sleep, post-partum body issues, or an inability to find a time in which the baby isn’t awake or sleeping between the couple. But I would argue that another factor […]

> I have always wondered why the makers of Monopoly didn’t choose a more appropriate name like, say, Piss Off Your Loved Ones. When I was small, my brother loved the game. Over and over, after many hours of wheedling and cajoling, he would convince me to play it with him. And at first, everything […]

> Presenting the Dragon’s Kiss Truffle. Thank you, Hubs. I have no words.